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Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – NFC West

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This division seems like the easiest of calls in 2019. That is exactly what worries Red. So here he is calling for the biggest upset of 2019. Overall this division probably has the toughest schedule with games against the loaded NFC South and the AFC North.  Fasten your seat belts.
Arizona Cardinals – Every season one team rises from the dung heap and makes the playoffs. This season it just might be the Cardinals. New coach Kliff Kingsbury’s Air Raid offensive scheme is going to catch some offguard early in the season. It may not work over the long haul, but it just might work for one season. He has the guns to do it with Kyler Murray throwing to possession receiver and ageless wonder Larry Fitzgerald and deep threat Christian Kirk – not to mention KK’s Red Raider buddy and still effective Michael Crabtree. A refreshed David Johnson rounds out the offense The Cards start 3-0 with wins over the Lions, Ravens and Panthers. They are 6-2 and the talk of the league at mid-season. Then they rip off another 3-4 wins before the challenging back to back roadies in Seattle and LA to end the season. If the Cards can win one of those they clinch a hard fought division title. You read it here first Cardinals go 10-6 and win the West.
Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks are another team that Red frequently discounts frequently to his disadvantage in this prediction game. Red’s visceral dislike of Pete the Cheat has overwhelmed his judgment at times. The offensive line is very good and will make R. Penny look like the second coming of Walter Payton at times this season. Russell Wilson could use some more help from the receiving corps but as long as he is under center, the Seahawks offense is more than capable of scoring just enough points to win close games. The defense isn’t exactly the Son of the Legion of Boom, but it is more than adequate to keep the Hawks in most games. Seattle probably makes the playoffs at 10-6 but loses the division title on a tie-breaker with the Cards.

Los Angeles Rams – Despite putting on the worst Superb Owl performance since the Vikings in the 1970s or the Patriots in the 1985 (those were the days), the Rams would have to be considered the favorites in the NFC West. But Red has to pick at least one upset. Red thinks the Rams are going to have that all too familiar Superb Owl hangover that befalls teams that performed as poorly as the Rams did in the Big Show (may Red refer you to the Falcons here). The Sean McVay miracle lasts but two seasons. More importantly, the Rams play a tough schedule. An 0-3 start is not out of the question with games on the road in Carolina and Cleveland and the revenge-seeking Saints at home. At some point in the season Todd Gurley is going to out of action. If it comes at the worst time, then the Rams will also rack up losses to the Stealers, Bears and Ravens for another 0-3 stretch. After losing to the Cowboys on the road, the season is all but over and the Cardinals put a bullet between the horns in the season finale. Disappointment reigns in Los Angeles as the Rams slog to a 7-9 finish.

San Francisco 49ers – The Niners will be better. Unfortunately for them better is still not very good  But fear not, better days are on the way – if you have a time machine that will take you back to the 1980’s.  San Francisco brings up the rear at 6-10.

Red’s 2019 NFL Picks – NFC North

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As he has mentioned more than a couple of times over the years, this is Red’s least favorite division when it comes to preseason picks. All four teams have made the playoffs in the past three seasons and there have been three different division winners during that stretch. If Red could skip this one he would, but that is not how the game is played.  And he has to pick it today because the NFC North has the honor of kicking off the 100th NFL season with the two oldest franchises still playing.  The Bears host the Packers in the Thursday night opener much to the chagrin of NFL Champion Patriots who are denied that traditional spot because of the 100 year anniversary. Oh, to be at Soldier Field tonight.
Chicago Bears – Da Bears are da team to beat in this division. Red expects Bears to come out of the box strong with win over the Pack in the historic season opener. By mid-point they should be 6-2 with a possible 5-0 start with a win over the Packers. The mid stretch of the season is the toughest with challenges from Saints, Chargers, Eagles and Rams. After that a break and then the Cowboys, Packers and Chiefs before a season ending laugher in Minnesota. If Da Bears win the games they should win and split the tougher match-ups they are in driver’s seat in what some are calling the best division in football this season. The only troublesome spot remains the redoubtable Mitch Trubisky who can be a turnover machine. The Bears won several games despite his lowlights. Look for the Bears defense to be even better and keep the team in enough close games to pull out more than a few. This could be Red’s best pick or his worst. Chicago has a solid season and wins division with 11-5 record.

Green Bay Packers – Things are not happy in northern Wisconsin. The Pack was in the hunt at mid-season in 2018 and then . . . Well, they didn’t quite fall off the radar, but the Bears put them in the rear view mirror. Remember when A-Rodg was the second coming of Joe Montana? That was a while back. Rodgers cannot carry a team like he used to. Fortunately he has help in a very good O-Line, Davonte Adams, Jimmy Graham (not quite tired and old yet – but check in with Red in November) and the all NFL Name Team wideout combination of Marquez Valdes-Scandling and Equanimeous St. Brown (Red picked him for fantasy on name potential alone). But it probably isn’t enough given the suspect situation at running back. Red likes Aaron Jones but can he play a full season without getting injured or suspended. If the Packers are going to have any success it will be because of an upgraded defense. Green Bay has seen better days (in the 1960s) 9-7 maybe works and maybe not.

Minnesota Vikings – Lots of pundits are going all in for the Vikings. Red will hold his chips for now. Red could never quite see what all the Kirk Cousins hype was about and if 2018 is any measure, Red was right. Red thinks the Vikings may play one of the toughest schedules in the league this year. They could lose to the Falcons, Packers, Bears (twice), Eagles, Chiefs, Cowboys, Seahawks and Chargers. If they don’t beat the Sad Sacks (Lions, Redskins, Giants and possibly Broncos), it will be a long season in the hinterlands. Minnesota misses out on chance to lose another Superb Owl at 8-8.

Detroit Lions – For more or less irrational reasons, Red has never liked the Lions. He is buying Detroit real estate however. Unfortunately for the Lions, the most exclusive real estate (their opponents’ end zone) will remain off limits for much of the season. Detroit wonders if Bobby Layne might still be available when it finishes 4-12.

Red’s 2019 NFL Picks – NFC South

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The NFC South has a chance at being the premier division in the NFL in 2019. The Saints, Panthers and Falcons all could make the playoffs and the Buccaneers are not totally shabby – although still pretty shabby. It’s likely that only two are playing in January.
New Orleans Saints – Red has given the Saints short shrift for years thinking that tired old Drew Brees would actually become tired and old. Spoiler alert: it hasn’t happened yet. They tell Red, that there is nothing like attending a Saints game in person and Red believes it after having just been in New Orleans on a Sunday afternoon game day and seeing a plethora of gold lame miniskirts together with Saints jersey, caps, hoodies, sweats, dinner jackets and every other possible combination of black and gold being proudly worn by all. It just kind of makes a body want to root for the Saints because there will be so much happiness (and excessive drinking – not that there won’t be excessive drinking in N’Awlins anyway). So despite departures Mark Ingram, Ben Watson, Alex Okafor et al, with Brees, Kamar, Thomas and others will be trying hard to erase the sting of getting screwed in the NFL Championship game when Rams’ cornerback Nickell Robey-Coleman pretty much tackled Saints receiver TommyLee Lewis on what could have been the game winning play. And to the dread of many (but not Red) that one play brought about a rules change for 2019. Rule 6c states: “For one year only, expands the reviewable plays in Instant Replay to include pass interference, called or not called on the field.” Somewhere Mike Renfro is smiling. The Saints will be not happy with anything short of a Superb Owl appearance. New Orleans wins division at 11-5.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons have been slip sliding away (with apologies to P. Simon) since blowing a 28-3 lead in SB LI missing the playoffs altogether after a wretched 2018 campaign. Fortunately for the F Troop, all of their tough non-division games are at home (Rams, Eagles and Seahawks) and feature two triple inverse time zone hexes. They do play two non-division 2018 playoff teams on the road (Colts and Texans) but come on (see Red’s AFC South Picks later). There is enough talent on the offensive side to put up points with Matty Ice, Julio and Davonte and others. And with Dan Quinn taking over as DC, expect the Falcons defense to step it up as well. Unfortunately for the Falcons, they have to play in the same division as the Saints. Atlanta 9-7 and a possible wild card spot.
Carolina Panthers – After another disappointing 7-9 season (after a 6-2 start oops), HC Ron Rivera will be coaching like a man on a hot seat having taken a big shit and realizing that there is no toilet paper. In other words, he will pull out all stops to post a winning record in 2019. A word of advice: don’t delve too deeply into Red’s analogies. RR’s hopes rest on the surgically repaired shoulder of Cam Newton and the dual threat of All Pro Christian McCaffrey. The loss of the Kalil brothers will hurt the O line, but Rookie Greg Little and new center Matt Paradis shore things up. On defense, signing pass rusher Bruce Irvin and drafting some linebackers should help. But not quite enough. Carolina goes 9-7 and misses out on a tiebreaker.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Red was high on Jameis Winston at one point. Apparently that’s not all Red was high on. With an almost record setting turnover pace at Head Coach (5 in the 10 years since Jon Gruden left), the Bucs have made exactly zero playoff appearances in the last decade. And now un-retired broadcaster and new Head Coach Bruce Arians gets to extend that streak. Enough said. Tampa Bay sucks gas and finishes 6-10.

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – NFC East

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Ah the NFC East, aka the division of former champions. Red had never thought about it and it wasn’t actually true until the 2017 season, but the NFC East is the only division that features four teams that have won the Superb Owl.
Philadelphia Eagles
The only question for the Eagles is whether Carson Wentz can actually stay on the field for an entire season. There will be no all-world backup Nick Foles to fall back on this season. But Red thinks the Eagles have a decent chance of going undefeated in the NFC East and owning all tiebreakers against their division rivals. Look for the Eagles to possibly have the best running game in the NFC with an almost entirely new crew led by Jordan Howard with Miles Sanders and Wendell Smallwood in the wings. Yes, those aren’t big names but they will get a lot of space because of the big play possibilities with CW at the helm. Red also thinks there is a decent chance that Jadeveon Clowney is traded to the Eagles at some point which immediately ups their somewhat no-name defense (quick name Red a defensive starter). Red has Philadelphia going 10-6 and winning this division.

Dallas Cowboys 
Red begins with his annual bitch about the incredibly favorable TV treatment afforded the Cowboys year after year – despite the now decades long stretch of mediocrity of this franchise (3 playoff wins in the last 21 seasons). This season the Cowboys have only 4 noon starts one of which is the traditional noon start on the last Sunday of the season to avoid intentional playoff maneuvering. They have 6 late afternoon games – none of which are time zone related (Giants, Packers and Rams at home and Jets, Patriots and Eagles on the road). Then there are 3 coveted Sunday night games (Eagles, Vikings, Saints), one Monday nighter (Giants), the obligatory Thursday night appearance (Bears) and the sweet late afternoon spot on Thanksgiving (Bills). Maybe watching all of these Cowboy games will make you as sick of winning as Trump claimed he would – but don’t count on it. In the battle of the big egos between Jerry Jones and Zeke Elliot, Red will take JJ everytime – even if it means sacrificing a season. The once vaunted offensive line is tired and old, but otherwise the Boys are remarkably young. There is really no reason why they shouldn’t be competitive. But the schedule looks brutal albeit with a relatively easy start against the Giants, OTNAs and Dolphins and the Boys could be 3-0 by the end of week 3. Then things get rough with the Saints, Packers, and Eagles (with the Jets thrown in as a palate cleanser). Now they are 4-3. A couple of week breather gets them to a respectable 6-3, but then Patriots, Bills, Bears, Rams and Eagles are next and they are 9-6 at best. Here is the kicker, they have to play the Pats, Bills and Bears in 12 days. Red doesn’t think they survive that stretch and the OTNAs beat them at home in the last week to knock them out of the playoffs. Arlington goes 9-7 and misses the dance.

New Jersey Giants 

It has been fruit basket turnover in the Meadowlands. GM Dave Gettlemen ditched OBJ and has brought in a host of free agents and ten count ‘em ten draft picks. Many have concluded that the Giants reached to select Duke QB Daniel Jones with the 6th overall pick. Red thinks the Giants will be glad to have a warm body to take the snap once it is proven that Eli Manning is a likely front-runner for the 2019 NFL Deadman of the Year Award. The Giants will cause some trouble with all-world RB Saquon Barkley behind a decent O line. But really this team will go only as far as SB can carry them. New Jersey is a 7-9 team on a good day.

Washington OTNAs
As noted above, the highlight of the OTNA’s season will be knocking the Cowboys out of the playoffs. Look, Red likes Case Keenum – he should still be the Texans backup quarterback, but the idea that he is going to lead the OTNAs to glory just doesn’t fly. And starting rookie QB Dwayne Haskins would be a recipe for disaster with as little support as there is available. Maybe Adrian Peterson has something left in the tank – but Red thinks last season was the last hurrah (and quite a hurrah it was) for AP. The defense will be much improved by the addition of Montez Sweat and Landon Collins. Does Red really need to say anything else. Landover, MD will be lucky to finish 6-10.

Quote for the Day

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“Patty’s really a pain in the ass.”

Team USA Coach Greg Popovich on San Antonio Spur’s guard Patty Mills after Mills destroyed Pop’s USA team while playing for the Australia Boomers in a warm up game for the FIBA World Cup.   It was the first time Australia had beaten the US in any game. For the completely clueless, Popovich also coaches the Spurs and actually thinks the world of Mills.

Recap of Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions

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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. This truism works for the NFL prediction game as well as major political and military blunders. As such, every season, Red does a light critical analysis of his previous season predictions. Red usually isn’t too far off the guys and gals who actually get paid for such heavy lifting. Last season was no different. Well, maybe a little different.
NFC – Red had the Eagles, Falcons, Vikings and Rams as division champs and the Bears and Saints as wild card entrants. That was 4 out of the 6 playoff teams. Red missed bigly on the Falcons who had a horrid start and have never regained their 2016 form. The Vikings just plain sucked. The biggest surprise here was the Cowboys 7 of their last 8 and then eking out a win over the Seahawks in the playoffs.
AFC – Red had the Patriots, Stealers, Texans and Chiefs as division winners and the Chargers and Browns as wild card winners. Again 4 out of 6. The Colts making the dance were the biggest surprise to Red – especially starting 1-5 and then going on a tear culminating with them ripping the Texans a new one in the first round of the playoffs (on the road no less). The Ravens earned their spot the hard way starting 4-5 and lucked out when Flacco Joe went down and Lamar Jackson rallied the troops. The Stealers had too many injuries, holdouts and other excuses, while the Browns blew at least 3 games they should have won which would have put them in the hunt.
Overall – Picking 8 of the 12 playoff teams is about Red’s average. He had 10 correct one year, but most years he bounces around between 7 and 9. So, if you had gone to Vegas on Red’s picks to make the playoffs, you might have done okay.
Playoffs – Red had the Chiefs as his NFL Champion (beating the Falcons – ugh!). And as for the rest of the playoffs, Red screwed the pooch with his only correct prediction being the Chiefs actually playing in the AFC Championship game. Well, they were just one completion (and/or an overtime rule change) short of beating the Pats and if that had happened the Superb Owl would have been something with the high-powered Chiefs and Rams offenses marching up and down the field. Instead, there was a pathetic 13-3 snooze-fest won by the undeserving Pats. Oh well.

The 2018 NFL Deadman of the Year Award

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Every season Red kicks-off with the Annual Deadman of the Year Award – which goes to player who contributed about as much to his team’s success last season as would a dead man. The award can only go to a player who at times has shown signs of actual life in being a true contributor on the field. And injuries rarely factor into the DMOTY Panel’s decision making.

There were several worthy candidates. Jacksonville Jaguars QB Blake Bortles endured an awful start to the season losing 9 of his 12 starts while boasting a QB rating of 79.8 and ultimately making way for Cody “Who’s He” Kessler. New Jersey Jets WR Terrelle Pryor was similarly unimpressive totaling 14 catches in the six games he played before being escorted to the door only to be picked up by the Bills and released again after two games. Pittsburgh Stealers K Chris Boswell cost his team at least 2 games with errant kicking and made only 65% of his attempts – making only 5 of his 10 attempts from 40-49 yards (he missed 5 PATs to boot). Red discounts the candidacy of Washington OTNAs QB Mark Sanchez because he might have been technically dead since 2016.


But the undisputed winner of the 2018 Dead Man of the Year Award goes to Arizona Cardinals QB Sam Bradford (make that former Arizona Cardinals QB Sam Bradford). After signing a one-year $20 million contract in March, Bradford was expected to start for a full season while highly regarded rookie Josh Rosen learned the ropes. SB lasted all of three games before being dumped in a ditch in the desert. In his three starts Bradford went 50 for 80 (not awful), for 400 yards (quite pathetic), 2 TDs (aaarg!), 4 INTs (that don’t work) and 2 lost fumbles (oops). Amazingly, no other NFL team picked up SB (instead of Colin Kaepernik). And although the oft-injured Sad Sack Sam has never really had what one could call a “good NFL season”, he has not been horrid since 2011 when playing for the hapless St. Louis Rams. Still his remarkable 2018 season of ineptitude will not go unnoticed here at PinH. Congratulations Sam, you are last season’s Dead Man of the Year.

PS:  Red likes how the only trading card image he could find of Bradford shows him in training camp attire.

Quote for the Day

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“You know, I was looking at a story recently…where Antifa is posting, you know they want to come down to El Paso and do a 10-day siege. Clear message to Antifa: Stay out of El Paso.”

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick in the wake of the slaughter of 20 people in El Paso by an avowed white supremacist.

Remind Red how many people Antifa has killed over the last decade.  Oh that’s right – absolutely none.  Leave it to Pontificating Patrick to aim in precisely the wrong direction while throwing some red meat to his base.

Chocolate Penis Spells Trouble in Waco

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The Waco Tribune-Herald reports that Thomas Gourneau of Cedar Hill has been charged with criminal harassment after sending a penis-shaped chocolate candy bar to a McLennan County Sheriff’s employee.  The prank, which targeted Tracy Chance who formerly worked for the Sheriff and is now a jailer, was based on a romantic rivalry between the two men over Gourneau dating Chance’s ex-wife.

The posting of the problematic pecker has been turned into a criminal case by an overzealous prosecutor likely because the target worked in law enforcement.  Even though there are allegations of long-standing animosity between Gourneau and Chance, it is hard to imagine that a local DA would be interested in such antics if the target of the prank had not been working for the Sheriff.  The chocolate cock was sent anonymously, so it required actual detective work investigating Gourneau’s bank and credit card records.  Red is glad to see that the McLennan County Sheriff and DA are doing God’s work after completely botching the prosecution of bikers in the wake of the fatal Twin Peaks shootout.  But it’s no laughing matter for Gourneau who faces up so six months in jail and a $2000 fine for his actions in sending the delicious dick to Chance.

Gourneau’s attorney, Cody Cleveland, questions the motives behind prosecution for sending a phony phallus. In his interview with the Tribune-Herald, Cleveland expressed his dismay with a complaint over a  succulent schlong.

“I question whether if I or somebody not involved in law enforcement had called 911 and said we had a matter that needed to be investigated and told them I had received a chocolate candy bar in the shape of a penis, how long I would be sitting before they arrived at my office or my house to investigate that crime,” Cleveland said. “I wonder whether or not there would be any kind of follow-up as far as a warrant issued or an arrest made.  I just think because this guy works for the sheriff’s office and it got delivered to him at the sheriff’s office that it was easy for him to walk across the hall and get a detective to look into the case. That’s the reason they went forward.”

Well, Waco has never been known as the most tolerant of Texas towns.  So if you are thinking of sending any edible genitalia (vanilla vagina?) in that direction, be forewarned.

 

Quote for the Day

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“Many of those affected were firefighters, police officers and other first responders. And I was down there also, but I’m not considering myself a first responder. But I was down there. I spent a lot of time down there with you.”

Trumph – the Insult Comic President – speaking to first responders after signing legislation to extend the 911 Victims Compensation Fund.   Curiously, there is no evidence that Trump ever was at Ground Zero in the aftermath of 911.  You know germs!

The remark provoked considerable derision with the best coming from a variety of Tweeters who noted some other remarkable accomplishments that Trump was involved in and will undoubtedly be taking credit for in the future.  Check out #LostTrumpHistory

Red’s contribution:

Thank God, Trump was the lone survivor of the massacre at the Alamo so he could later lead the Texian Army’s victory at San Jacinto!

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