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Is that a real Poncho, or is that a Sears Poncho?

With apologies to Frank Zappa, Red reports on the sad demise of State Rep. Poncho Nevarez (D – Eagle Pass).  A warrant for his arrest on felony drug charges was issued on Thursday.  Nevárez was apparently caught on surveillance footage at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport dropping an envelope filled with cocaine as he was leaving the airport.  It is unclear if the drop was intentional or accidental but unfortunately for Poncho, the envelope had his official House seal on it and contained about 2 ounces of coke.

On September 6, two Texas Department of Transportation employees found the envelope outside the special entrance to the airport that is used by state officials.  Who knew?  After DPS got involved, they reviewed the CCTV footage showing Poncho leaving the airport getting into the car of his chief of staff and dropping the envelope.

Frighteningly, Poncho chairs the House Homeland Security and Public Safety Committee.  Soothingly, he announced last week he was retiring from the House.  And at least he has the cojones to admit he screwed up – big time.  According to  a statement released by Poncho, the news is correct.  “I do not have anyone to blame but myself. I accept this because it is true and it will help me get better.”

 

What have we learned?

The events of the past two to three months have left Red more or less speechless as the utter corruption of the reality TV show joke of a presidency that is the Trump White House is laid bare.  Red is not surprised – just speechless at how anyone could think this is acceptable behavior from a U.S. President and that this should continue a minute longer.  Now, however, Red is ready to step back and reflect upon what we have learned from what is now 3 years of the reign of President-Elect and President Trump.  Red thinks – not much.

It was always clear that Trump was a low-class grifter and pathological liar with a moral compass that perpetually points towards his bottom line.  It was always clear that if it ever came down to a choice between what is best for the country or what is best for Trump – that he would choose the latter without a moment’s reflection or regret.  It was always clear that he was a cruel bully who talked a good game but folded in the face of real opposition.  It was always clear that he was a profane, preening, philandering prick of a man.  It was always clear that he was an intense physical coward who could never conceive of anything beyond his own safety.  It was always clear that his overweening ambition was his only guiding principle to be pursued at the expense of whomever or whatever stood in the way of his cocoon of selfishness.  It was always clear that anything that interfered with his glorious and grandiose self-image must be attacked and utterly destroyed if at all possible.  It was always clear that he displayed every disgusting and dishonest attribute of the quintessential real estate con man.  It was always clear that when he was speaking he was lying.  It was always clear that his persona was that of a thin-skinned and petulant child.  It was always clear that someone with his level of amorality must have nothing but utter contempt for the “common man” who tries to do things honestly and correctly.  It was always clear that his braggadocio concealed a deep inner insecurity that eats at his very soul.  It was always clear that the only God he worships is that of money and the appearance of success.  It was always clear that he was a disloyal friend, colleague and employer who would cast anyone aside at anytime in order to save himself.  It was always clear that he held our institutions, customs and common bonds of citizenship in the lowest possible regard and that he would exploit any and all differences to drive a wedge in the body politic in order to advance his own agenda of self-aggrandizement.  It was always clear (from most of the above) that  he suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder of the most extreme form.  It was always clear that he was not stupid but willfully ignorant and unwilling to learn.  It was always clear that he would use the legal system to buy and bully his way out of trouble.  It was always clear that he cheats at golf.  It was always clear that he was a complete failure at most of his business ventures (Trump Air, Wine, Magazine, Steaks, University, Casinos, the New Jersey Generals, etc.) outside of some limited competency in real estate and that his only true success had been as a TV personality and in promoting his name as a brand.  It was always clear that he was absurdly unqualified and unsuited for the highest office in the land.

Perhaps what was less clear was that he would be completely subservient to foreign dictators and strong men. Perhaps what was also less clear was that almost every aspect of his foreign policy would be for the benefit of one of our great enemies – Russia – such that the only reasonable inference could be he was either a deep Putin plant or that he was terrified of something that might be revealed by Putin.  Perhaps what was also less clear is that he would betray and offend so many of our allies for no apparent reason (but see above re: Putin).  Perhaps what was also less clear was that his background story of being a near-completely self made man was a tale told by a fantasist. Perhaps it was less Clear that he had engaged in massive tax and bank fraud that would have landed anyone else in jail. Perhaps what was also less clear was the gullibility of so many Americans in sticking with this proven con man in the face of such complete betrayal of his oath of office.  Perhaps what was also less clear was the damage that electing such a man could do to the Republic.

At this point, Red is fairly much convinced that the U.S. as we have known it may not survive 8 years of Trump – 4 years will have done enough damage.  Red is also fairly convinced that is where the country is heading.  God help us all.

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

I want to know who’s the person, who’s the person who gave the whistle-blower (scum-sucking weasel) the information (the evidence of my crimes). Because that’s close to a spy (and I know from spies because I’ve been a Russian agent for years).  Basically, that person never saw the report (Thank God), never saw the call (and a perfect call it was), he never saw the call (say it twice so they’ll remember), heard something and decided that he or she, or whoever the hell they saw (I’m losing my train of thought here)- they’re almost a spy (see above). You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart (I’m thinking Spanish Inquisition here)? Right? The spies and treason (because it’s treason to expose my crimes – look it up – it’s right after Art. II where it says as President I can do whatever I want), we used to handle it a little differently than we do now (Are you listening out there? Please somebody kill these mofos now).

Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the whistleblower that just might take him down

Trouble in Corny Dog Paradise

One of the true treats of attending the Texas State Fair in Dallas is the chance to chomp on a freshly fried Fletcher’s Corny Dog.  Careful not to burn the roof of your mouth.  But there is trouble brewing and a full-fledged corny dog war is about to break out it would seem.  Various wings of the Fletcher family are now fighting over the trademark name.

In a lawsuit filed Thursday in Texas federal court, Fletcher’s Original State Fair Corny Dogs have sued mother and daughter Victoria Fletcher and Jace Christensen for selling corny dogs under the name “Fletch” to confuse consumers into buying their products. FOSFCD claim that Victoria and Jace are “estranged members” of the Fletcher family and are planning to open a “Fletch” restaurant right before the Texas State Fair begins next week to capitalize on the confusion.  .

FOSFCD dates back to 1942 when two brothers who had previously worked as vaudeville performers began selling corny dogs at the Texas State Fair.  Victoria Fletcher is divorced from the grandson of one of the original founders and neither she nor her daughter have any ownership interest in the family business according to the complaint.  But since February Victoria and Jace have been selling Fletch Corny Dog at various events, causing “a substantial amount of actual confusion”  as to whether the two brands are related.   However, Fletch is not selling corny dogs at the State Fair, so the likelihood of confusion seems limited at that venue.

And for the record, Red loves a good corn dog.

 

Trump Speaks – Red Translates

I never met her (she was like maybe a 5 at best so why bother). She never treated me nicely (because she told the truth about me). But I would like to wish her family well (the guys in the press office made me say that). She was a professional, and I respect professionals (like Stormy Daniels).  I respect you guys a lot, you people a lot (for a bunch of lying scum that is). She was a real professional. Never treated me well (you know, because it’s all about me all the time), but I certainly respect her as a professional (if i say professional enough maybe someone will think that I am one too).

Trumph – the Insult Comic President on the death of Cokie Roberts.

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – AFC South

Red gets to cheat a bit on this one as he ran out of time before the season started to make his selection in the former NFL Division of Excellence.  Oh yes, there was a time when the AFC South routinely put up the best numbers of any division in football.  That has long since passed.  The AFC South did post two play-off teams last season – that is, if you considered the Texans to actually be a playoff team after getting rolled and smoked by the Colts in January.  Jacksonville regressed to recent form and perhaps the Titans did not get the love they deserved for their close to the play-offs 9-7 record last season under new coach Mike Vrabel.  So with the benefit of Week One under his belt, Red goes all in.

Tennessee Titans –   Again, yet another pick that Red will likely regret.  The Titans were at best erratic last season.  They started 3-1, then lost three in a row (including 2 one-point losses to the Bills and Chargers before blowing out the Cowboys and Patriots in back to back weeks to seemingly right the ship at 5-4.  Then they get smacked by the Colts and Texans before winning four in a row against the weakest of the weak sisters last season (Jets, Jags, Giants and OTNA’s) and then blew amy shot at the playoffs in the last game to the surging Colts.  The Colts probably had all the tie-breakers anyway, but . . .    The Titans bring basically the same team back – with a few additions.  Derrick Henry leads the league in rushing and M&M proves that he is a serviceable NFL QB if not a star.  Tennessee is 10-6 and back in the mix.

Jacksonville Jaguars –  Losing Nick Foles in the first quarter of the first game might not be the end for the Jags.  They still have a rough-house defense (ask Patrick Mahomes how he feels this week) and strong running game.  Rookie QB Tyler Minshew made an impressive and record-setting debut (completing his first 13 NFL passes in a row) before the Jags simply could not keep up with the Andy Reid show feature Patrick Mahomes and the Powerhouse Chiefs Offense Band (words that will be written many times this season).  Jags will win low scoring ugly games and just enough for an 8-8 finish.  

Houston TexansDisorder be an easy one.  The problem starts riot at the top.  What is up with Cal “the Idiot Son of Deceased former owner and once-hailed Houston football savior Bob” McNair?  Is he stupid or just morass than previously thought?  Here’s Red’s tangle on the situation.  Janice McNair needs to cut discord with Idiot Son and find a real person to ruin the franchise.  Otherwise, Red will be one pandemonium all season about the Texans.  The trouble will travel from the owner’s box down to the sideline and into the muddle on the field before plays.  Before the season is over, attendance drops, ticket resale lags, and tickets will be free for all practical purposes.  Even turning tumult-iple formations on the field doesn’t revive fan interest.  Disarray of different offensive schemes can’t cure the problems with management. The problems compound and even moving the bollix a problem for the offense. In the last game of the season, angry maelstrom the field and call for Cal’s sizeable head on a pole.  Has Red made his chaos?    Texans tough schedule and rudderless front office lead to anarchy on South Main 7-9 rat’s nest

Indianapolis Colts –  Red hates the Colts.  The Colts would hate Red if they ever thought about him – which of course they don’t.  Red tempers his hate by season end and gets some much needed help.   Indianapolis is lucky to finish 7-9 as well. 

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – AFC West

Time is running short. So here’s the skinny.

Kansas City Chiefs – What can Red say. The Andy Reid Show featuring Patrick Mahomes, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce will be a huge hit yet again this season. No. 1 in the Nielsen Ratings. No. 1 in the AFC West. No. 1 in the AFC. No. 1 in the NFL. Even the sad sack defense which couldn’t stop the Pats in the AFC Championship game (rules change please) is better. What is not to like. Oh yeah, the sob sisters are talking about how Mahomes can’t possible repeat some of the earth scorching performances of last season. Wanna bet? Take the Chiefs and the over in every game this season and see how that works out for you. Red is not sure who they will lose to. Kansas City goes 15-1 – Wow!
Los Angeles Chargers – Red likes the Chargers. He always has. The Chargers usually disappoint Red. The Chargers play every game on the road. The Chargers waste the careers of future NFL Hall of Famers. Poor LT. But the Chargers make the playoffs just often enough to make them a good bet in a weakened west. Look for LA to make it o 10-6.
Oakland Raiders – What a shit show Jon Gruden is putting up! JG seems like a nice guy on HBO, but Red suspects that his inner asshole will out this season. This is an organization that makes the Texans look like a well-oiled machine. Disappointment reigns in the final season of the Oakland Raiders 7-9.

Denver Broncos – Simple answer:  They suck! Denver goes 6-10 behind the walking corpse of Flacco Joe.

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – AFC North

Usually a tough division to pick (with the notable exception of the Cleveland Browns for about two decades). This season is no different. One betting site refers to the AFC North as “one hell of a puzzle box for NFL bettors.” Fortunately for you, Red is pretty damn good at puzzle boxes.

Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens have traditionally featured a ferocious defense, decent special teams and an offense just good enough to win close games. The Ravens are now an offensive juggernaut. Discount QB Lamar Jackson’s poor in the playoff game against the Chargers who lined up 7 defensive backs at times. LJ is a better passer than anyone knows right now and his legs will keep defenses honest. The additions of RB Mark Ingraham and rookie Justice Hill (Red’s pick for All Rookie Team) will add to a triple headed rushing monster for the Ravens. The Ravens ran more than any team last season and that clock-eating offense only helps what is still a very good defense – now shored up with Earl Thomas. Baltimore shocks a lot of folks going 12-4.
Cleveland Browns – The Browns were Red’s off the dung heap pick to make the playoffs last season and they almost pulled it off despite blowing at least 3 winnable games with questionable play calling and clock management. New Head (and former interim) Coach Freddie Kitchens won’t be making those same mistakes. He has lots of talent to work with in Baker Mayfield, OBJ and Nick Chubb and a decent O-line. Browns are 3-3 before their week 7 bye. They turn season around by beating Pats in Foxboro in week 8. A bit of a sugar high, but they hold on against the Broncos and Bills to be 6-3 and facing the easier part of their schedule. Cleveland is 10-6 and in as a Wild Card.
Cincinnati Bengals – Will not be as bad as expected. But won’t be very good either. They have an easy schedule but not easy enough. Cincinnati is 6-10 and continues league worst streak for lack of playoff wins.
Pittsburgh Stealers – The window is closed. Ben is tired and old and his main weapons are gone. JuJu will still be spectacular but it won’t be enough. The pathetic defense of last season did not get any better (15 takeaways in a division filled with turnover machines). They get drubbed by the Pats in week 1 and it is downhill from there. Pittsburgh brings up the rear at 5-11.

Red’s 2019 NFL Predictions – AFC East

Since Red is making NFL predictions, he is technically obligated to pick a winner in the AFC East. For 16 of the last 18 seasons, that has not exactly been a particularly taxing chore. Here goes again – Damn it.

New England Patriots – Almost every year, Red writes, “It is cowardly and spineless to pick New England year after year. And Red will keep doing it until he is proved wrong. (Hey, this is about the point Red has trouble coming up with new material – so excuse me).” (Hey, this is about the point where Red has trouble coming up with new material – so buzz off). Barring catastrophic injury to TB-12 or early onset of dementia or the possibility of Trump taking a Sharpie and making a mess of Bellicheat’s game plan, the Pats should ride into the playoffs. But it won’t be quite as comfortable a ride as usual because go-to target Rob Gronkowski will be celebrating his new physique somewhere other than the friendly confines of Insert Corporate Name Here Stadium. Every other team in the division will be better than last season, but not better enough. As always, Red hopes that he is wrong and the loyal readers can shout from the hilltops, “Red, you were cowardly and spineless to pick New England yet again.” But Red doesn’t hear the fat lady warming up yet. New England slogs to a 10-6 record but still repeats as division champ.

Buffalo Bills – The Bills have made improvements on offense shoring up the O-line with five signings. They give LeSean McCoy a new lease on life and provide some breathing room for second year QB Josh Allen – who got way too much OJT last season. The Bills actually played decently after a 2-7 start. If they can keep that pace a winning record will be in sight. The defense is solid, the return game could be interesting and if you haven’t read about Stephen Hauscha’s back story and rise from kicker for the Middlebury College Panthers who play in the NESCAC, then you are missing out. It’s quite a story. Look it up. At any rate, he is the tallest kicker in the league. Buffalo bulls its way to a 9-7 record and as for the playoffs – hmmm.

New York Jets – After a 1-9 finish to the 2018 season, a real house cleaning was in order with a new head coach, new offensive and defensive coordinators and the hopefully fresh legs of LeVeon Bell who sat out last season and middle-of-the-pack wideout Jamison Crowder. Darn Old Sam is still the QB and that is the biggest limitation on the Jets prospects this season. Although the house may be clean, the hedges still need trimming and there are a lot of weeds in the backyard. And when you are getting your new head coach from the Miami Dolphins – well you are getting new head coach that was fired from the Miami Dolphins. Let Red repeat – Fired by the Miami Dolphins. At least the Jets finish ahead of the Dolphins but 6-10 is the ceiling here.

Miami Dolphins – Tanks to their many off-season moves, it looks like a long season for the Aquatic Mammals. Expect a lot of dive plays from the offense. Red is disgusted and must quit now.  Oh, did Red say that every team in the AFC East will be better?  He meant every team that is actually trying to field a team. Someone has to suck and its Miami at 1-15.