Trump Begs – Red Translates

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No matter what insults Red hurls back at these emails from the Reality TV Show Joke of a President, they just keep coming. Here’s a recent favorite.

I need your help right now Friend (Sucker/Loser).

LIBERAL MEGA DONORS MAXED OUT contributions to Sleepy Joe and Phony Kamala Harris (When you got nothing – call ’em names) last month. They brought in $364 MILLION in August alone (HOLY SHIT!).

I’ll never be intimidated by these Radical Socialists (Soon to be Commies) and their dirty MEGA DONOR MONEY (But I can be bought off by my MEGA DONORS), but I can’t ignore that $364,000,000 in ONE MONTH is a massive amount of cash (At least 10 times my net worth).

The Liberals are funneling money (Like the Russians funneled money to my failing businesses) to their candidates at an alarming rate to try and take us down. They think they can intimidate us (Boy are they right) with their MAXED-OUT (I could put in the actual amount here but it would not be as impressive) contributions in the hope that they can buy their way into the White House (It’s only for sale by me). They couldn’t be more wrong (I’m actually scared shitless).

They may have Silicon Valley and HOLLYWOOD ELITES, but I’ve got something better. I have YOU (SUCKER/LOSER).
 

It’s the MOB (You know the US Mob – not the preferred Russian Mob that I deal with), THE MEDIA (Even those bastards at FOX News are leaving this sinking ship), THE HOLLYWOOD ELITES (God I wanted to be one of them so bigly), THE DEEP STATE (and the DEEPER STATE) and THE SWAMP (Anyone who disagrees with me) vs. YOU(SUCKER or LOSER – you pick this time). Let’s remind them that AMERICA IS NOT FOR SALE (Only my administration is for sale – and I’ll make you a deal on Melania if push comes to shove). This is YOUR COUNTRY NOT THEIRS (A house divided is really good for me).


With your help, I want to have our BEST ONLINE FUNDRAISING DAY EVER (Look it’s either pay me now or pay for my legal defense fund later). Your support is SO important that I’ve activated an UNPRECEDENTED 800%-MATCH on ALL contributions (the ultimate con-man come on – amazing how many fall for this) .

I’ve asked my team (Quarterbacked by Bill Barr) will send me a list of EVERY Patriot (Sucker/Loser) who steps up today (Does anybody run a grammar check on this crap?). I’ll be looking for your name, Friend (or Traitor if you don’t pay up). Will I see it (before the doors of the Gray Bar Hotel close in on me)?

Red’s 2020 NFL Predictions – NFC East

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Red is getting a late start on his 2020 predictions and is therefore jumping into the deep end this season and starting with the traditional roast of the NFC East which other than the Eagles’ Superb Owl championship in 2017 has been among the doormat divisions of the NFL for going on about 20 years. 

Red will provide the 2019 NFL season overview and general thoughts on this season at a a later date.

Philadelphia Eagles

The reigning NFC East champs more or less by default.  The Eagles did have a nice closing run winning 4 straight to edge out the floundering Cowboys before losing to the Seahawks in the first round after Jadeveon Clowney’s cheap shot took out QB Carson Wentz.  No team is going to win a playoff game with Josh McCown at the helm.  The Eagles were decimated by injuries last year – so much that their No. 1 wide receiver was Greg Ward – last heard from as the quarterback of the Houston Cougars.  They signed Marquise Goodwin (every team needs at least one and preferably two Marquises)  but he opted out.  Nonetheless with Alshon Jeffery and Desean Jackson back Wentz will not lack options downfield.  Red predicts a breakout year for Miles Sanders as the top back.   Philadelphia is 10-6 and division champ again.

Dallas Cowboys

2019 saw the end of the Jason Garrett era as the Cowboys started strong with 3 wins over the weak sisters of the division and Miami.  Then reality set in with 3 losses to better competition.  Still the Boys had a chance going into week 16 at Philadelphia.  Alas, the Red Rule was in effect and 17 points was more than enough to dispatch Jerry’s boys and their last best shot at the playoffs.  Garrett was quickly shown the door and the Mike McCarthy era began even as it appears the Dak Prescott interregnum may be coming to a close.  Unable to work out a deal, the Cowboys applied the franchise tag to Prescott who seems overly perturbed about being paid $31 million this season.  Holdover Kellen Moore (future head coach of the New England Patriots) will be dialing up the plays which gives the Boys a halfway decent chance to win almost any game despite an increasingly decrepit offensive line.  And  Red is unsure about a defense that lost its best cornerback and pass rusher and is transitioning to the notoriously complicated schemes of new defensive coordinator Mike Nolan.  All that said, Red sees only about 4 or 5 surefire wins on the schedule.  After all this is a team that couldn’t catch the crippled Eagles last year. Red calls it 8-8 for the Cowboys and another season on the outside looking in. 

P.S. Red has his usual bitch about the favorable TV schedule for a team that has won a total of 4 playoff games in the last 25 years, is 4-10 in the playoffs since 1996 and hasn’t come close to sniffing a Conference Championship during that stretch with the possible exception of the controversial loss to the Packers in 2014. Based on that record of excellence, this season the Cowboys are rewarded with 5 prime time spots (4 more than the minimum), 6 late afternoon games (including Thanksgiving and a road game in Seattle) for a total of 11 national TV appearances. Red calls BS.

New York Football Giants

In desperation, the Giants have turned to Bill Bellicheat disciple Joe Judge.  Unfortunately,  BB has been a poor stud and his progeny have generally fizzled out.  Undoubtably, new offensive coordinator Jason Garrett will pull out all the stops when playing the Cowboys and he will breathe some life into an offense that has talent in Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley.  Expect the Giants to be interesting if not exciting.  But don’t expect them to win too many games.  Giants go 6-10 and feel the love.

Washington Football Team formerly known as the OTNAs

Red gets to pull out the “Offensive Term for Native Americans” one last time.  He won’t have them to Kickapoo anymore.  Red is Hopi that they come up a better nick-Nambe.  Even so, there’s a real  Quechan  as to whether the deal made for new head coach Ron Rivera will  really Pai off – there’s certainly no Guarani – he may be Cochiti.  They may not stink as much as last year, but if Ute think this team is going to be competitive –  Huron drugs.  This team has a Ottawa to go before they will have anything to Crow about.   And they are Innu overall terrible division.  They might Chippewa at the Giants for a shot at 3rd place, but . If you’re a fan looking for improvement, the best Red can offer is for you to Goshute the owner. Just kidding that’s Nottoway to improve the situation.  Okay Red has to Makah prediction –  if he Haida guess – 5 wins is the best the WFT Caddo this season.

Steve Stockman Still Sits in Slammer

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Former Republican Congressman Stephen E. Stockman (TP -Texas) has been denied compassionate release by U.S. Dist. Court Judge Lee Rosenthal. Stockman will be serving the rest of his well-deserved 10-year sentence at FCI Beaumont Low where he has been locked up for almost 2 years. Stockman also asked to have his sentence reduced to time served based on the high number of COVID-19 infections at federal slammer located in the East Texas district that the disgraced former representative used to serve. As Judge Rosenthal noted, Stockman’s case was not helped by the fact that he had already caught the virus and recovered from it after filing his motion.

“Courts have found that an increased risk of COVID-19 infection or severe symptoms or effects because of an inmate’s underlying conditions shows the ‘extraordinary and compelling reasons’ necessary for a sentencing reduction under § 3582(c)(1)(A). But when, as here, an inmate is infected and recovers, courts have found that those risks change and diminish.”

For those who don’t remember or would like to forget – the former political darling of the Tea Party was a firebrand staunch, law and order conservative. But Stockman was convicted in April 2018 by a federal jury of using charitable contributions to fund his political campaign and pay for personal expenses. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison after the jury found he fraudulently solicited about $1.25 million in supposedly charitable contributions.  In Trump’s America that makes him a very modest grifter.

Melania Speaks – Red Translates

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Due to exigent circumstances, Red can’t take you all the way through FLOTUS Melania (“I don’t care, do you?) Trump’s attempt to shore up support for the Reality TV Show Joke of a President and Husband last night. The speech delivered from the denuded White House Rose Garden in violation of all political norms and probably the Hatch Act was delivered in her typical Ice Princess fashion such that it is impossible to believe that she actually believes most of the utter bullshit coming out of her mouth. Here goes nothing.

Blah, blah, blah . . .

I want to acknowledge the fact that since March, our lives have changed drastically (it looks more and more like Donald is going to prison). The invisible enemy, Covid-19, swept across our beautiful country and impacted all of us (mostly old poor people of color so no great loss but I digress). My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one and my prayers are with those who are ill or suffering (from the bottom of my ice cold heart). I know many people are anxious and some feel helpless (because of the incompetent leadership of my husband). I want you to know you are not alone. My husband’s administration will not stop fighting until there is an effective treatment or vaccine available to everyone (unless he has a tee time). Donald will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic (again making exceptions for tee times). I want to extend my gratitude to all of the health care professionals, front line workers and teachers who stepped up in these difficult times (but please stay away from me). Despite the risk to yourselves and your own families, you put our country first and my husband and I are grateful (but will avoid you like the plague). I have been moved by the way Americans have come together (despite my husband trying to rip us apart) in such an unfamiliar and often frightening situation (that we were warned about and completely ignored as long as possible). It is in times like this that we will look back and tell our grandchildren that through kindness and compassion, strength and determination, we were able to restore the promise of our future (and explain why grandma and grandpa didn’t make it). Businesses stepped up (and promptly closed up shop), and volunteers stepped in (to the big pile of shit my husband made of this). People were eager to share ideas, resources, and support of all kinds with neighbors and strangers alike (while waiving guns in the faces of the non-whites).

Growing up as a young child in Slovenia, which was under communist rule at the time, I always heard about an amazing place called America — a land that stood for freedom and opportunity. As I grew older it became my goal to move to the United States and follow my dream of working in the fashion industry (and posing naked for money). My parents worked very hard to ensure our family could not only leave and prosper in America, but also contribute to a nation that allows for (nice white) people to arrive with a dream and make it reality (by marrying a rich old pervert). I want to take the moment to thank my mother and father (chain migrants) for all that they have done for our family. It is because of you that I am standing here today.I arrived in the United States when I was 26 years old (and really damn hot). Living and working in the land of opportunity was a dream come true, but I wanted more (than posing naked for money). I wanted to be a citizen. After 10 years of paperwork and patience (and living on an expired visa), I studied for the test in 2006 and became an American citizen.It is still one of the proudest moments in my life, because with hard work and determination I was able to achieve my own American dream (again girls, he may be disgusting but he has money, money, money). As an immigrant and a very independent woman (read the prenup), I understand what a privilege it is to live here and to enjoy the freedoms and opportunities that we have (when you marry a sugar daddy). As first lady, I have been fortunate to see the American dream come true over and over again (not only for me but for contributors to my husband’s campaign).

For many years, I watched him grow concerned and frustrated (no nookie at home and no porn stars to bang), and I’m so proud to see the many things he has done in such a short time (who else could have chipped away at the very foundations of our democracy so quickly). America is in his heart (and his pocketbook). So while at times, we only see the worst of people in politics on the evening news (that’s really nothing compared to what I get to see at home), let’s remember how we come together in the most difficult times (to make a buck). And while debate rages on about issues of race, let’s focus on the strides we have made and work together for a better tomorrow for everyone (but mostly for rich white folks).

As you have heard this evening, I do not want to use this precious time attacking the other side because as we saw last week, that kind of talk only serves to divide the country further (I obviously didn’t watch last night). I am here because we need my husband to be our president and commander in chief for four more years (that way he can stay out of prison for four years, not blow his money on lawyers and who knows he may be dead by 2024 if he keeps wolfing down Big Macs). He is what is best for our country (what’s good for General Bullmoose is good for the USA). We all know Donald Trump makes no secrets about how he feels about things (and feels things like pussy). Total honesty is what we as citizens deserve from our president (am I trying to sabotage his chances with this line or do I really think you will believe whatever bullshit these guys wrote for me), whether you like it or not, you always know what he is thinking (and believe me it’s even more disgusting than you could imagine). And that is because he is an authentic person (not a robot despite rumors to the contrary) who loves this country (and how much he can line his pockets as president) and its (rich white) people and wants to continue to make it better (to scarf up more bucks). Donald wants to keep your family safe (we need consumers), he wants to help your family succeed (MAGA hats now only $25). He wants nothing more than for this country to prosper and he doesn’t waste time playing politics (again who wrote this shit?).

Trump Jr. Writes – Red Translates

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Typically nothing coming out of the Trump scion’s bearded orifice is worth noting. But Donald Trump, Jr. is more front and center than ever before in desperately plugging Daddy’s re-election. He is the Trump Campaign’s designated attack dog and if he weren’t such an obvious liar and ignoramus he would be well suited for the job as a nastier piece of work that DTJ is seldom seen. The fetid acorn did not fall far from the twisted tree. Here is the latest email from the rabid dog of the right – with usual translation by Red.

Friend (Sucker),

The Radical Democrats (that is anyone not worshiping Daddy) are truly delusional (we’re counting on you being delusional in our favor). 

They think they can win this race with their MEGA-DONORS and coastal elites (plus millions of small donors), but we both know that my father will prevail because he has the backing of the ONLY People that matter (in typical Trump we say screw everyone else – but note that we’ll screw you too if the opportunity arises) – REAL AMERICAN PATRIOTS, (complete dupes who think Daddy is patriotic) like YOU.

The Democrats are hosting their ANTI-TRUMP Convention (good one huh?) this week, and they’ve been attacking my father with a viciousness we’ve never seen before (except every time Daddy opens his mouth). We, the American People, need to be ready to defend him (the legal defense fund will be accepting contributions beginning at noon on Jan. 21, 2001). 

My father created the 2020 Presidential Defense Task Force (Brown Shirts are being issued as I write) to DEFEND the future of our Nation from the Democrat’s radical agenda (you know the Nazis had some of this right), and he’s calling on YOU to (goose) step up.

This is so important that when you join the ranks as one of the President’s TOP defenders, your gift will automatically be 600%-MATCHED (Does anyone really believe this bullshit?) .

The Democrats will stop at nothing (like actually voting) to defeat my father – they’ll lie, cheat, and steal their way to victory unless we stop them (by better lying, cheating and stealing).

The President wants to know who came to his defense (other than the emaciated walking ghost of Roy Cohn), so he’s asked that I give him a list of all Patriots who respond to this email first thing TOMORROW morning (which he will use as toilet paper). I hope your name is on that list (see previous note about screwing).

Thank you,

Donald Trump, Jr. (Inmate No. to be issued)

Even Trump Can’t Attack Michelle Obama

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Red loves his daily eight emails from the Trump campaign begging for money and insulting almost everyone in sight. Yesterday’s email was especially telling as Trump’s henchmen went after the line-up of speakers at the virtual Democratic National Convention last night.

Tonight, Crazy Bernie,Michelle Obama, failed presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar, Fredo’s brother: Andrew Cuomo, and Gretchen “Half” Whitmer, are all taking the stage where they’ll do nothing but spread FAKE NEWS about OUR President.

First of all, do you not find it amazing that the campaign arm of the President of the United States feels the need to resort to third grade playground insults as he seeks re-election? That alone is just despicable.

But notice how everyone but Michelle Obama gets a pejorative nickname or comment. Say what you will about Trump and his cronies, at least they are not so stupid as to directly attack the woman who polls as the “most admired woman” in the entire world. Trump would run cowering from this impressive woman. MO’s clear and compelling intelligence, accomplishment, authenticity, compassion, honesty and basic decency clearly contrast with the phony, plagiarizing, tarted-up, adulterous, illegal immigrant, nude-posing, gold-digger that Trump chose as his 3rd Mate.

Quote for the Day

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“That’s fake news. That’s total fake news! Lots of guys have been telling me the streak hasn’t ended! I talk to people all the time. They call me. They tell me, ‘Pop, the streak didn’t end! It didn’t end!'”

Head Coach Gregg Popovich on news reports that the San Antonio Spurs failed to make the NBA playoffs for the first time in 22 years.

Trump Writes – Red Translates with a Suggestion for Him

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Four New York prisons still see high numbers of coronavirus - New ...

As readers are aware, Red likes to translate some of our President’s missives to reveal the hidden truth. Yesterday, Trump asked Red where he should deliver his speech accepting the Trump Party’s (fka the GOP) nomination. Here’s Red translation along with a suggested locale.

Friend (Dupe, Sucker, Pigeon)

I have HUGE (Bigly Huge) news to share with you.

On the final night of the 2020 GOP Convention, I will deliver my Presidential Nomination Acceptance Speech (Not really sure why this is HUGE news but you’ll believe me no matter what I say).

My speech will be absolutely HISTORIC (more likely Hysteric) , and when my team (Ivanka and Jared) asked me where I want to deliver it, I immediately said, “Why don’t you ask the American People? They ALWAYS know best (except in 2016).”

I have it narrowed down to two locations – the Great Battlefield of Gettysburg (where I can desecrate the sacred ground of martyrs who fought to preserve the Union that I am desperately trying to rip apart), Pennsylvania, or the White House (which I desecrate by my very presence so no real harm done there – Hatch Act be damned)- and I’d really like YOUR input on this important decision.

So it’s up to you – where do you think I should deliver my speech to accept the Republican Nomination for President of the United States?

I really want to know what you think, Friend (yeah, as if I want to know what the morons who vote for me really think). This will be one of my most important speeches yet (dripping with vitriol I tell you), and I don’t want to decide without you.

Well, it just so happens Red has an out-of-the-box suggestion for you Mr. Trump. How about on the steps of the Wallkill Correctional Facility in New York? It’s a place with which you should start becoming familiar.


Alexandra Smoots-Thomas – a Judicial Disgrace

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Harris County District Court Judge Alexandra Smoots-Thomas can’t stay out of trouble (or jail it would seem). AST, who is currently suspended, was arrested on August 10 on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. She was already under indictment and charged with 10 counts of wire fraud for using campaign funds on jewelry, luxury items, her mortgage and paying private school tuition for her children. After the indictment, Smoot-Thomas was suspended from her judicial post but rather shamelessly ran for re-election. Fortunately for Harris County residents she was soundly defeated in the Democratic primary run-off. That she even made the runoff or received more than a handful of votes is disturbing enough.

But things continue to spiral downward for the disgrace jurist as she is now accused of shooting at her husband’s girlfriend during an argument. Houston police report that the shooting occurred at the victim’s home in the 14000 block of Jewel Meadow Drive on Monday. AST was in the woman’s driveway honking and hollering. When the “other woman” came out of her house an argument ensued and Smoots-Thomas allegedly fired a gun at the woman.

Red followed AST on Facebook for a while and always wondered how she enjoyed such a high-fallutin lifestyle on the somewhat modest salary of a Texas District Court Judge. Of course, she could have had money stashed before she took office, but she had been on the bench almost 12 years when she was first indicted. Red takes no pleasure in the downfall of a public servant, but he doesn’t ignore it either.

An Inevitably Sad Outcome

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Red is not in the political prediction game. He learned long ago that he is almost always wrong when it comes to picking winners and losers in contested elections. So while Red is not going to make any call regarding the Presidential election, he does have one very salient observation. And its a sad one.

No matter what the outcome in November, the sad fact remains that a significant percentage of the national electorate believes that our utterly corrupt, narcissistic, vulgar, ego-maniacal, racist, sexist, lying, sad and pathetic excuse for a President deserves another four years in office to further his attempt to destroy our country.

The bottom line here is that if you are going to vote for Trump, Red has no interest in hearing an opinion on any topic of importance from you ever again. You have proven yourself to be either a dupe, idiot, racist, self-centered jerk, religious bigot and/or an asshole-loving asshole. Take your pick, but Red is done with you.