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Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 17

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It’s wrong to have to be picking for 17 weeks (Yes, Red knows he missed a couple of weeks – so sue him!).  But it gives Red one last chance to pull a winning record out of his deflated Champ.  Red was 2-4 last week – meaning that he is 38-44 for the year and if he hits on all 6 this week – perfect mediocrity – which has kind of been Red’s life plan all along.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Titans over Colts.  Not much doubt about the TGOTWGOTW this week.  Titans and Colts face off in the first playoff game of the season.  Winner gets the last Wildcard spot and loser goes home.  When all the chips are on the table, Red looks to defense and running game and home field.  Here the Titans are 3-0.  Yes, the Colts have a much better overall offense, but the Titans defense is just enough better and their running game is for real.  Throw in a raucous crowd getting ready for New Year’s in Music City and Red is going with the Titans – but in a squeaker.   Tennessee 19 Indianapolis 16.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Bears over Vikings.  As noted, the Bears really don’t have to score many points to win right now.  And with two top rated defenses and a playoff berth possibly on the line for the Vikings, expect a tight low-scoring contest decided by an extra point, safety or field goal.  And these two just might get to do it over again next week in Chicago if the Eagles falter.  Chicago 17 Minnesota 14.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Jaguars.  Texans need a win for a chance at a critical first round bye and home game in the divisional round – two things they have never achieved.  Of course, they need help from the Patriots – and good luck there.  The Jaguars have a decent shot at the 2018 Dead Man of the Year Award as a collective.  They entered the season with high apple pie in the sky hopes and instead got a shaving cream pie in the face from the get go.  Texans resurrected their season but fell apart late against the Eagles to most likely dash hopes of first round bye last week.  The cracks in the Texans offense are evident.  Watson holds the ball too long, he has one reliable receiver and the running game comes and goes.  The Jags are playing for pride and could be dangerous despite their pathetic excuse for an offense. If the Texans can’t score enough points to beat the Jags, then expect a quick exit from the playoffs.  Only the whole season is riding on this one.  Houston 28 Jacksonville 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week –  Bengals over Stealers.  Bengals put an end to season of disappointment and misery for both teams.  Both of these teams were legitimate playoff contenders if things broke right.  Needless to say they didn’t.  Cincinnati 17 Pittsburgh 14.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chiefs over Raiders.  There are always slim pickings in this category with Week 17 matchups featuring exclusively divisional rivalries.  Hardly any teams are out of their time zone.  Raiders have shown signs of life lately and conversely, the Chiefs are not the juggernaut of September and October.   Still the Chiefs have a lot on the line with a home field advantage throughout the playoffs on the line.  Mahomes has been the man all season and he closes out his MVP year with a spectacular performance this week.  Red calls for 5 TDs, one sack and a possible rushing touchdown.  All the crew joins in – except for the defense which as usual sucks.  Kansas City 48 Oakland 35.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Falcons over Buccaneers.  Nineteen collective losses earns these two NFC chumps a spot in the final Shit Bowl.  Red had the Falcons playing for a championship and cannot figure out what exactly went wrong except that the Falcons have trouble putting together a decent season more than once about every five years.  The Buccaneers were a disaster waiting to happen that kept the masses entertained for a while with Fitzpatrick’s miraculous month.  Red cautions the foolish few who might actually watch this one to put away that brand new Walther PPK you got for Christmas from weird Uncle Al lest ye be tempted to attempt some target practice on that big 64 incher that Mrs. _______ put in your mancave as a surprise during the third quarter of this turgid turd tussle.  Atlanta 27 Tampa Bay 13.

Your Bonus If Red Can go 7-0 and Post a Winning Record He’ll Be Really Happy Pick of the Week –  Browns over Ravens.  The Browns deserve a winning season and the Ravens deserve to go home.  Enough said.  Cleveland 28 Baltimore 3.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 17

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NFL Picks 2016 – week 17

In Week 16, Red was 3-3 – which is a minor triumph this season. Red is 36-40-2 for the season.  Aaargh!

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Cardinals crumple Rams. The Cards have been dealt and both of these teams folded.  The Rams actually exceeded expectations and a 5-11 season would not be viewed as an enormous disappointment.  What is disappointing is having the 32nd ranked offense in the 32 team NFL.  Need more disappointment – How about Jared Goff’s 61.7 QB rating? – which makes Case Keenum’s 76.4 look positively marvelous.  Or Todd Gurley’s 3.2 yard per carry average?  Bright spots?  The fantasy freaks who went long on Kenny Britt have to be happy with his 1000 yards and 5 TDs. And the Rams defense doesn’t suck.  But that’s it.   Meanwhile in the desert, the Cards are a major disappointment (we’re using that word a lot here).  No one expected the Cardinals to have a losing record – nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition either.  Giving up 6 is a lot to ask, but the Cards will cover.  Red also likes the over at 40.5 – but just barely.  Arizona 25 Los Angeles 16.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Chargers challenge Chiefs. Red is putting this category to rest after this week.  And what better way to do that than with the team that has consistently underperformed all season.  The Chargers are a playoff team that can’t finish off a game.  The Chargers have lost 5 games in which they seemed to be cruising to victory until the bottom fell out.  That started with the first game of the season when the Chief rallied (a word Red really hates) from 17 points down in the 4th quarter to win 33-27.  That set the tone for the entire Chargers season as they continued to tank it.  Revenge is sweet this week and the Chargers send the Chiefs off to a 5th seed for Wildcard Weekend.  Red just loves that he is picking a team in the midst of a 4 game losing streak.  Arizona 17 Seattle 16.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Giants gouge OTNAs. To rehash from earlier this season – this rivalry rocks.  NFL Network ranks it as the No. 1 rivalry of all time, SI has it at No. 4.  The Giants lead the series 86-81-2 making it one of the most competitive rivalries in league history. The first game, however, was not – as the Giant crushed the Eagles 56-0 at the Polo Grounds in 1933.  Over the years, game have been played at the Polo Grounds, Baker Bowl, Philadelphia Municipal Stadium, Connie Mack Stadium, Yankee Stadium, Franklin Field, Veterans Stadium, Yale Bowl, Giants Stadium, and Lincoln Financial Field.  What is surprising is that the Giants played at Yankee Stadium until 1973 before getting a stadium of their own at the Meadowlands.  The teams have met 4 times in the post-season with the Giants winning in 1981 and after the 2000 season and the Eagles winning after the 2006 and 2008 seasons.  Red expects a shootout on Sunday.  This is your NFL game of the week. New Jersey 35 Philadelphia 31.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans tackle Titans.   This game could have been a contender.  But it’s a bum, especially with the soon-to-be-great Marcus Mariota out.  The Texans use this one as a warmup for their 4th playoff game in six years at NRG, which – despite what the bloviators on the radio say – doesn’t suck. Houston 22 Tennessee 20.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Packers pummel Lions.   This is a real prime time game with many marbles on the line.  All the marbles in fact.  This is winner take all time.  Since starting 4-6, the Pack has turned it on winning 5 in a row.  Meanwhile, the Lions have tanked in December.  This could have been a laugher for them, but it is now do or die.  They die.  Sadly, the weather for Green Bay seems downright pleasant with a game time temperature in the 30’s and no real chance of snow. Green Bay 35 Detroit 27.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week –Bills butt Jets. This week features the rare all-New York (sort of) Shit Bowl.  Here are two teams that deserve SB status in the final week of what has been a really exceptional SB year.  Almost every week (thanks largely to the Browns and the NFC North)  there have been truly awful games for Red to choose from.  This week is no exception with the fabulously mediocre 7-8 Bills on the road to meet the horrendously disappointing 4-11 Jets.  Those nursing hangovers will be well advised to avoid watching this beastly bowel battle, lest ye be tempted to pick up that stray empty soldier, break it over the coffee table and jab it into your femoral artery to ease the pain of truly awful football. Orchard Park 3 New Jersey 2.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 17

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“Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he were married to Dolly Parton, he’d ask her to cook.” Don Meredith

Red will always love you, Don.

Red Rates Himself – For week 16 Red was 3-3. For the season 52-38. A fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas if he just listened to Red.

Your I Will Always Love You Pick of the Week: Cardinals over Seahawks. Very possible that this game is a preview of the NFC Championship game or a Second Round game – depending on how it breaks this week. Don’t expect much love to be lost in this grudge match. Two bruising defenses and two respectable offenses. Outcome will depend on which QB is carried off the field in a basket. Red doesn’t particularly like either team with the Cards giving up 4. The O/U at 47.5 is intriguing. If you must bet (and Red must not) go with the under. Arizona 21 Seattle 20.

Your 9 to 5 Pick of the Week: Packers over Vikings. Packers were run out of Arizona on a rail, tarred and feathered, had sand kicked in face like 97 pound weakling, atomic wedgied, beaten to a pulp, slobber-knockered, and otherwise generally humiliated. They may have had the worst performance of an allegedly good football team all season. (Note: Texans back to back butt-whippings at the hands of the Falcons and Dolphins only count if Texans qualify as an “allegedly good football team”). So why would Red pick them this week? They are at Lambeau and the weather is not likely to be a factor. Only because the Pack must win if they hope to go anywhere in the playoffs and after all, they were Red’s preseason pick to win it all. Take the over at 46.5 unless the weather forecast changes.  Green Bay 35 Minnesota 22.

Your Coat of Many Colors Pick of the Week: Raiders over Chiefs. In what may be the last game ever as the “OAKLAND RAIDERS”, at least until they move back to Oakland for the second time, Red likes Raiders playing with a mean and nasty edge against a Chiefs team that probably would like to remain 5th seed and play the Texans/Colts over the Bengals. The Chiefs will not roll over and die, but neither does Red look for them to play the starting 22 the whole game. Red likes the Raiders plus 6.5 but would like them a lot more at 7. You decide.    Oakland 30 Kansas City 23.

You’re It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Texans. Red has to pick the Jaguars because (wink wink nudge nudge) that formula has worked for the Texans. Yes, Red has seen the incredible odds facing the Colts even if they win and the Texans lose and the 8 or 9 things that need to happen for the Colts to sneak into the playoffs and has already seen that one of them happened on Monday when the Bengals lost in OT. But tell all that to the 1979 Redskins (before they became the OTNA’s). No bets on this one. Jacksonville 14 Houston 11.

Your Why’d You Come in Here Lookin’ Like That Pick of the Week: Bears over Lions. It strikes Red that he hasn’t picked the Bears to win (or perhaps even picked a Bears game) all season. Rightfully so as the Bears may be the least interesting team in the NFL this season coming in at 6-9 in a thoroughly mediocre campaign. But the Bears qualified for this season’s last Shit Bowl – thanks in part to the Lions (also 6-9) and a very close call by Red in favoring this constipated colon clash over the possibly more deserving Rams/49ers game. Don’t listen to this one on the car radio, lest ye be tempted to take a right turn through the guard rail and plunge into your local canyon, gulch or arroyo in disgust. This one is a pick’em and Red chooses Los Osos. Chicago 33 Detroit 29.

You’re The Twelfth of Never Pick of the Week: OTNA’s over Cowboys.   Red, you remember how at the beginning of the season you really bitched about the Cowboys TV schedule – which is not unusual since you do it every year? Well of course, Timmy, but it turns out ol’ Red was right as rain on this one. Red would pity the poor national TV audiences who had to suffer through the Cowboys’ parade of misery this season. Except, Billy, that about half of you folks out there get an undue amount of joy out of watching the Cowboys lose, and the other half of you should be out playing with your kids or doing something productive instead of lying on the couch gobbling Doritos and cheese dip while watching the Cowboys stink it up. So Willy, Red will be finding something else to do on Sunday rather than watch the playoff bound OTNA’s pound the Cowboys. And, Sammy, so should you. Landover, Md. 59 Arlington 8.