Author Archives: Red from Texas

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About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Today in Texas History – September 7

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From the Annals of the Festivals –  In 1972, the first Texas Folklife Festival was held at the at the Institute of Texan Cultures on the former Hemisfair site in San Antonio.  The Texas festival was modeled after the Smithsonian’s Folklife Festival. On behalf of the Institute of Texan Cultures, O.T. Baker attended the first Smithsonian Folklife Festival and decided to replicate the event in San Antonio.  The inaugural Texas Folklife Festival was held from September 7-10, 1972.  Baker deserves full credit as the founder and initial director of the TFF which is world renown and has received numerous international, regional and local awards.

Red has only been to the TFF once, but was very impressed by the fact that no one was there trying sell you something.

Red’s NFL Preseason Picks

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Red’s 2016 NFL Predictions

Football season starts early in the Lone Star State. So early that Red has already been to not one but two high school games. And really, there is nothing quite as boring as your average high school football game with an average of 33 penalties, obnoxious parents, bad refs, inept play, mosquitos, surprisingly small crowds and a 7-0 final score.  The tedium of a high school game is rivaled only by a regular season NFL game with its endless TV timeouts, incredibly loud piped in bad 80’s music (at least at NRG), obnoxious beer-guzzling fans, sanitized atmosphere and overall complete lack of spectacle.  Such is the fan experience for the modern-day gladiation that is professional football.  Red can handle about 2 pro games a year – maybe 3 if his team makes the playoffs.

Other than that, Red is totally excited to bring you his pre-season predictions. Red’s record in this regard over the last decade or so is at least respectable. As usual, however, Red disclaims all responsibility for little juvenile delinquent Timmy stealing the grocery money and going down to his local bookie and putting it all on Red’s projected Superb Owl winner. Those foolish enough to wager on any professional sporting event that doesn’t involve equines running counter-clockwise around an oval track get exactly what they deserve.   So Danny, keep your grubby little felonious mitts out of Mom’s purse and leave this stuff to the pros who usually don’t do a whole lot better than Red.

2015 Season Recap

Red’s NFC division champions were the Eagles, Falcons, Seahawks and Panthers. Wild cards were the Rams and Vikings.  That’s 4 out of 6 in the playoffs.  Better than, “Meh!”

Red’s AFC division champions were the Patriots, Broncos, Colts and Bengals. Wild cards were the Chargers and Ravens.  That 3 out of 6 in the playoffs.  What can he say, Red blew it.

Red’s 7 out of 12 is unacceptable. He’ll run laps sometime in October.    Please not that Red did pick JJ Watt as Defensive Player of the Year. Big Whoop.

Red’s Annual Bitch.

 If you are a Cowboys fan, and may God have mercy on your soul if you are, thanks to the NFL scheduling gurus you need not worry about rushing home from church for the kickoff. This year is no exception.  Here is the National TV schedule for the team that went 4-12 last season.

Week 1       Giants Sunday Late Game

Week 3       Bears Sunday Night Game

Week 4       At 49ers Sunday Late Game

Week 5       Bengals Sunday Late Game

Week 6       At Packers Sunday Late Game

Week 8       Eagles Sunday Night Game

Week 10     At Stealers Sunday Late Game

Week 11     Redskins Thanksgiving

Week 12     At Vikings Thursday Night Game

Week 13     At Giants Sunday Night Game

Week 16     Lions Monday Night Game

Cowboys get 3 of the 16 Sunday Night games.  Plus 5 Sunday Late Games – only one of which (49ers) is time zone related. Plus a Monday Night and a Thursday Night appearance. And the traditional Thanksgiving day game

That is the standard minimum of 11 national TV appearances for a franchise that shat their collective pants last season. Only in corporate America does such incompetence get rewarded like this.

NFC East

Giants.  This division is more up for grabs than a deep ball from Peyton Manning.  Any team could win this thing.  But those darn statistics boys tell us that only one team can. It’s up to Uncle Red to figure that one out. The Cowboys will be starting a rookie quarterback and unproven rookie Ezekial Elliot at back.  It’s unclear what the OTNA’s are up to and the Eagles are still a mess.  Red is predicting that the NFC East will be this year’s PEFAPFD (that’s pathetic excuse for a professional football division for those who haven’t been paying attention).   Now that the Tom “Coach of the Walking Dead’ Coughlin is gone, look for new life in Northern Jersey.  Ben “No Relation to Bob” McAdoo takes over after serving as offensive coordinator.  The Giants probably had more money to spend than any other team in the off season and spend like drunken sailors they did. Additions of Janoris Jenkins and Eli Apple to join Dominique Rogers-Cromartie may give the Giants the best trio at corner in the league.  Name a better group.  Hmm, thought so.  And they won’t be short-handed with Jason Pierre Paul back for the entire season (no pun intended).  As seems to happen almost every other year now, a team with a losing record will advance to the playoffs.  New Jersey racks up a 5 game losing streak in the latter part of the season but still slides in under the door at 7-9 while the rest of the division goes home to kick the dog.

NFC South:

Panthers. Red usually picks the Falcons and we see how that usually works out. In a swift break from tradition, Red is going with the NFC Champion Panthers to repeat as division winners in 2015.  The Panthers were undoubtedly the best team in the NFL last season until the clock struck midnight, the offensive line turned back into a bunch of rats, the football became a slippery pumpkin and Cam Newton lost one of his glass cleats on the way out of the locker room only to have Von Miller stomp on it like the groom at a Jewish wedding. That’s how the Cinderella story usually ends.   This season Cam solidifies his spot as one of the two or three best all round quarterbacks.  And he has some more help with Kelvin Benjamin back.  The loss of Josh Norman will be painful, but Luke Kuechly anchors a more than good enough defense. It’s a bit of a comedown for Carolina to a 12-4 season but only a bit of a comedown as shall be seen.

NFC West: 

Cardinals.  Call Red a frontrunner if you must – it won’t hurt his feelings. Red didn’t believe in the Cardinals last year and he isn’t exactly drinking the Kool-Aid now.  The Cards may be just a Carson Palmer pulled groin away from a 7-9 season.  David Johnson is the hot topic now.  Look for a bit of a sophomore slump, but there 10-6 for Arizona probably should do it in the NFC West.

NFC North:

Vikings. Remember when NFL teams used to play at places with mysterious names like the Polo Grounds or Arrowhead Stadium or Candlestick Park or the Los Angeles Coliseum or the Cotton Bowl? Red is showing his age I suppose. The Vikings who once played at Metropolitan Stadium and then the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome are now leaving the not so cozy confines of the TCF Bank Stadium at the University of Minnesota for new digs.  Red would research the record for established teams breaking in new stadiums if he were that kind of guy.  Rest assured, he isn’t.  Exactly how does one get excited about a Sunday afternoon game at good old U.S. Bank Stadium.  Does that come with free checking and a carry-all?  Red is high on the real stuff and Teddy Bridgewater.  Touchdown Teddy will have a true break out season in 2016 and No. 1 pick Laquon Treadwell will provide a tempting target that was missing most of last season.  The real mystery man in the passing game may be Moritz Bohringer who was drafted in the 5th round out of the Schwabisch Hall Unicorns of the German Football League. He’s a long shot to make the team but he has size and speed enough if he can pick up the game.   Minnesota makes it look easy this season with a 13-3 record to win the division.

Update: Oops! Teddy’s gone for the season and Sam “Where’s My Head” Bradford is at the helm.  Red is going to cowboy up and ride the Vikings anyway because it’s too much trouble to rewrite this stuff.

 NFC Wildcards:

Buccaneers. Last season’s rookie of the year Jameis Winston has Red believing. Red also still believes in Santa Claus and alien abductions.  The running back combo of Doug Martin and Charles Sims could be the most potent in the NFC – after all they combined for 2700 yards of total offense last season. All that wasn’t good enough to avoid a four game losing streak that ended in Head Coach Lovie Smith and the entire defensive staff getting shit-canned.  Out with the old and in with the old as the Bucs promoted offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter (who has as close to a good porn star name as you are ever going to see on an NFL coaching staff unless Dick Butkiss comes back) to head coach.  JW will not have to learn a news system and the Bucs offense was certainly good enough to have a winning season last year.  On the other side, they brought in also shit-canned former Falcons head coach Mike Smith to run the defense.  It seems that defensive guys who get head coaching spots and fail almost always come back and do pretty damn well as defensive coordinators again. See, e.g., Dom Capers, Jack Del Rio and Wade Phillips.  Tampa Bay sneaks in at 9-7.

Packers. Really by default. Of course they are probably going to win the North with Bridgewater gone.  Of course Aaron Rodgers is going to be good.  Of course, someone at Lambeau Field will suffer frostbite in Week 17.  Of course, they will sell out every game.  Of course, Red will stop picking the Packers someday. Of course, today is not the day.  Green Bay does it again at 10-6.

AFC East

Patriots. This is typically where every year Red writes that it is cowardly and spineless to pick the Patriots year after year and then he goes and does just that. Each year Red thinks that this cannot last forever, that Tom Brady is finally going to look tired and old, that Belichick’s deal with Satan is up, and that the Pats will finally see the Jets or the Bills or the Dolphins gaining on them and not be able to finish. And each year Red is wrong in his mind but right on the pick.  New England whips the East yet again and goes 12-4.

AFC West

Raiders.  Really not excited about picking any team in this division.  Red likes Lativius and Lil’ brother Carr while continue to maintain that David Carr still sucks!  But maybe just maybe, this is the season after which the wretched and emaciated ghost of Al Davis can finally rest in peace with another division championship.  Ah, who is Red kidding? Dead Al will walk the corridors of NFL stadiums for all eternity searching for another championship for the Silver and Black.  Oakland surprises everyone with an outstanding 12-4 record.

AFC South:

Jaguars. Red likes to go out on a limb in this division. Red views this as possibly the most competitive division in the NFL in 2016.  Every team has a chance and every team has a big question mark.  The Texans have a revamped offense at the skill positions and a solid defense (if Clowney and Watt are healthy), but the offensive line is a complete disaster.  The Colts have question marks everywhere, but have the only truly experienced quarterback in the division.  The Titans are coming on strong, but is Mariota the franchise QB?  Red predicts you will have one team at 8-8 and three teams at 9-7 and have to go deep into the tie-breakers to pick a division winner.  Jacksonville wins with best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and allowed (Tiebreaker No. 7).  How’s that for exactitude.

AFC North

Bengals. Red distant cousin Andy “Red Rifle” Dalton can’t seem to catch a break. He was having a season that could have put him reach of an MVP award when he broke his thumb in Week 14.  Even so, they almost won a playoff game against the Stealers with A.J. McCarron under/behind center.    So it’s pretty much make or break time for this current iteration of the Bengals.  They have the weapons on offense with the Jeremy and Gio show.  Bengal have lost 8 straight playoff dating back to 1991 and have lost 5 straight in the last in the last 5 seasons – the only team in NFL history with such a record of playoff futility. Once again, Red is again picking a team that hasn’t won a playoff game in 25 years. Cincinnati 11-5.

AFC Wildcards

Jets. Meet the Jets, Greet the Jets, Step Right up and Beat the Jets.  But not too often. New Jersey 10-6.

Broncos.  The defending champion sometimes has a rough road to even returning to the playoffs. The Broncos may have it even tougher with new quarterback Trevor “the Ape Man” Siemian beating out tired old Marc Sanchez for the starting job. Gibbon his lack of experience, you might think Red is a fool to pick the Broncos.  But in Siemian, Red can siamang who knows how to use the offensive weapons he has. With an inexperienced starter, Kubiak won’t monkey around with trick plays.  Instead, he’ll find a way to macaque the defenses straight on. But do look for some langur passes to stretch the field.  And the Broncos defense is strong, so awesome that it might seem surrillis at times – and but rest assured it’s very real.  I could see the Chiefs getting this last spot but I lemur to Denver.  They are bonobo at least 10-6 and get into the mix.  The orangutan and blue is headed back to the playoffs and Broncos fans can gorilla crazy in January.  They won’t be the chimps, but it will be a good season.

Awards

NFL MVP – Andy Dalton – As noted, he might have won last year but for the untimely broken thumb.

Defensive Player of the Year – Khalil Mack – He would have won last year but for the force of nature that is JJ Watt

Offensive ROY – Will Fuller must learn that those things he has called hands are designed to catch a football. If he does that, he’s ROY.

Defensive ROY – Myles Jack – He’s got to stay on the field, but if he does he could put up some numbers that will get attention.

Comeback Player of the Year –  Jordy Nelson will be a fantasy favorite in 2016.

Coach of the Year – Gus Bradley – All he has to do is win.

Playoffs

NFC Championship Game – Panthers over Cardinals

AFC Championship Game – Bengals over Jaguars

Superb Owl – Panthers rout Bengals and claim the first Lombardi Trophy for one of the post-modern era expansion teams.

 

Red’s 2015 NFL “Dead Man of the Year” Award

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Before we get to Red’s annual NFL Predictions, there is the presentation of the 2015 NFL Dead Man of the Year Award

For those not in the know, the award is given annually to the player who went from a meaningful contribution to his team in the previous season to utter worthlessness. In other words, the player who contributed about as much as a “Dead Man.”

There really wasn’t much serious competition in 2015.   Justin Forsett comes to mind – but who really thinks about JF other than those – who like Red who were foolish enough to spend loads of dough on him in fantasy football.  And injury alone will not get you a coveted DMOY award. Matthew Stafford was certainly comatose if not dead for most of 2015 and was the major factor in the Lions return to irrelevancy. Chris Johnson was playing behind what some thought was the second or third best offensive line in football and still managed to rack up all of 840 yards and 3 TDs (fortunately for CJ he was dead in 2014 and thus ineligible).  CJ Anderson was on life support for most of the season, but was released from intensive care to contribute in some fashion to the Broncos remarkable playoff run.

In Red’s humble opinion – the only one that counts here – it was a slam dunk over the goal post for the one player who got more press for his utter personal worthlessness than for his demonstrated on-the-field worthlessness. That would be none other than Johnny Manziel aka Johnny Football aka Jonathan F. Football.   JFF had the perfect trifecta of sucking at football, life and as a legal client.  Let’s roll some of the 2015 highlights.

In October, Manziel was pulled over by a policeman after fighting in his car with his soon to be ex-girlfriend. Although he was not arrested, the supposedly sober JF admitted to drinking booze earlier that afternoon. Right!

On November 24, a week after Manziel was announced as the Browns’ starter for the remainder of the season, coach Mike Pettine demoted Manziel to third string after a video of him partying surfaced on the internet. And surprise, surprise, surprise, it was later discovered that Manziel had lied about the video.

On January 2, 2016, the night before the Browns final game, Manziel was spotted partying at Las Vegas’ Planet Hollywood casino. Manziel was scratched from the final game because of a concussion. But as word of his appearance at the casino spread across social media, he posted a photo on Instagram of himself and his dog at home. Manziel then failed to report for his concussion protocol.  This led to reports that the Browns are “so done with Manziel” (true) and that he “wants to go to Dallas (Cowboys)” (oh, how Red wishes that were also true).

Red salutes Johnny Manziel as the winner of Red’s 2015 NFL Dead Man of the Year.   Johnny, you earned it the old-fashioned way – You Sucked.

Today in Texas History – September 6

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From the Annals of the War Heroes –  In 1952, Corporal Benito Martinez of Fort Hancock was killed in action near Satae-ri in Korea.  Martinez single-handedly defended a forward listening post after ordering his fellow soldiers to return to a more secure location.  He refused an order to himself retreat stating that he knew the situation better than his commander and would use it to stall the North Korean attack.  He held out until he ran out of ammunition.  He was mortally wounded before his unit could counter-attack.  Martinez  received a posthumous Congressional Medal of Honor for his actions.

A Very Wet August in Texas

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The Austin American-Statesman reports that August has been exactly as wet as Red thought it was – that would be very wet.

Persistent rain in Texas has made August 2016 the wettest August in more than a century and equal to the rainiest August ever.

Preliminary figures from the State Climatologist office at Texas A&M University show Texas received an average 5.69 inches of rain statewide. That’s the same amount measured in 1914, the present record holder for the month based on records that go back to 1895.

State Climatologist John Nielsen-Gammon credits the rainfall to an atmospheric wind pattern that pumped lots of deep, moist tropical air into Texas, with heaviest rainfall mainly in east, central and southeast parts of the state. He says it could stay wet for the next couple of months, since September and October historically are the wettest months of the year in Texas.

Nolan Ryan Got His Ass Whipped?

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Most baseball fans remember the game in August of 1993 where Nolan Ryan nailed Robin Ventura square on with a pitch in the back.  The Rangers and White Sox had been in something of a beanball war for several seasons which perhaps explains why Ventura charged the mound to attack the future Hall of Famer.  Moreover, Ryan had a reputation as a pitcher who would throw at hitters.  But no one had ever had the temerity to challenge him until Ventura charged the mound back in 1993.   The standard narrative is that Ryan punished Venture by putting him in a headlock and land some punches to the noggin with Ryan coming away the big winner.

Some dedicated White Sox fans have reexamined the footage and determined that the Ventura actually got the better of the Ryan Express in the ensuing brawl.  The video clearly shows Ryan’s initial move that put Ventura in a headlock.  He holds him there with the help of Rangers catcher Ivan Rodriguez, but what happens next is never told.  As the scrum grows, Ventura turns it around on Ryan, has him in an armlock and body slams him to the ground.  The still from the video above shows that Ryan has completely lost control of the fight and is – to put it mildly – looking somewhat distressed.   Ryan never landed a decent punch and by his own words was in trouble.

“All I remember is that I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to black out and die, when all of a sudden I see two big arms tossing bodies off of me. It was [Chicago’s] Bo Jackson. He had come to my rescue, and I’m awful glad he did, because I was about to pass out. I called him that night and thanked him.”

After the brawl,  Ventura looked unscathed and its was Ryan who looked beat.  Still most of the stories reminiscing about the incident give the standard narrative that the fight was all Ryan – when it clearly appears that Ventura gave as well as he got.

Today in Texas History – August 31

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From the Annals of Our Poor Idiot Governors –   In 1871 James Edward “Pa” Ferguson was born in Salado.  Ferguson was City Attorney and a banker in Belton as well as a political player when he decided to run for governor in 1914.  He won election as an anti-prohibitionist Democrat but almost immediately got in trouble.  Ferguson engaged in a personal vendetta against University of Texas professors who he believed should be fired.   When UT refused to act, he vetoed the appropriations bill for the university with the ultimate result of him being impeached, convicted and removed from office.  Ferguson was not done with politics as he later ran for the U.S. Senate and President as a minor third party candidate.  He was able to secure the election of his wife Miriam “Ma” Ferguson who was the first woman elected governor of a U.S. State.

Red regards Pa Ferguson as one of a long line of worthless inhabitants of the Governor’s Mansion along with such notables as  Pappy O’Daniel, Preston Smith, Dolph Briscoe, John Connally, Bill Clements, George W. Bush, Rick Perry and our current poor idiot governor Greg Abbott.  Really, where do they get these guys?

Today in Texas History – August 30

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From the Annals of the Bigots  – In 1956, an angry white mob surrounded Mansfield High School to prevent the enrollment of three African-American students.  Following the U.S. Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of Education, Texas Federal District Judge Joe Estes ordered the Mansfield ISD to desegregate.  Mansfield was the first Texas school district to be directly affected by the Brown ruling.  The school board approved a measure desegregating Mansfield High School.  Mayor William Arnold “Bud” Halbert and Police Chief C.G. Harwell refused to comply with the school board’s decision and were instrumental in stirring up opposition.

And the opposition came.   The white mob of about 400 people surrounded Mansfield High  to prevent the enrollment of three African American students.  Just in case their intentions were not clear, the good people of Mansfield hanged the three black high school students in effigy.  They also attacked reporters and observers.  Sheriff Harlan Wright attempted to confront the mob but was himself threatened.

Up to this point, African-American high school students in Mansfield were required to ride a bus into nearby Fort Worth and then walk twenty blocks to the all-black I.M. Terrell High School.  Spineless Texas Governor R. Allan Shivers, doing his best imitation of a staunch segregationist, called out the Texas Rangers at Mansfield to prevent any black students from entering the public school.  Shivers openly defied the federal court order for integration and authorized Mansfield ISD to continue to send its black students to Fort Worth.  Mansfield did not integrate its schools until 1965.

Photo from newsone.com

Red’s Texas College Football Game of the Week

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Red travels to the greater Midland-Odessa area (Odessa really) for this week’s match-up between the Sul Ross State Lobos and the Falcons of UT-Permian Basin.  Okay, Red has to ‘fess up.  He didn’t even know that UTPB had a football program until last week, but ever since figuring that out he has been especially anxious to feature the Falcons squad in this season’s first of Red’s Texas College Football GOTW.

The SRSU football program has been mired in controversy in recent years. In 2014, the entire football staff was fired over allegations of abuse, misconduct and general naughtiness.  Red doesn’t make light of this at all as there were claims that female students were being coerced into more than friendly relations with recruits.   The program has taken a few years to recover going 2-8 in 2015 and 3-7 last season.  This season 4-6 might be in reach.  Reach for the stars boys – or at least reach for the chance of finishing in the middle of the conference pack.

Red might be forgiven for his ignorance of Falcon football as this is the school’s first season.  And the Falcons have a first time head coach in Justin Carrigan who does have experience at Midwestern State and Tarleton.  The Falcons may have built in rivals in Angelo State, West Texas A&M and Eastern New Mexico all of which are a reasonable road trip away from Odessa.  Unfortunately, Red’s insider knowledge of the program is somewhat hindered – mostly by the fact that the Falcon’s website is down – not that Red could have garnered much from that anyway.  But Red is pleased to honor Texas’ newest college football program in the first GOTW this season.

Red is hard-pressed to really make an intelligent call on this one, but when has that ever stopped him.   SRSU 27 UTPB 13.