Last week Red was 2-4 and most embarrassingly missing out on the Sure Bet of the Week in picking the Panthers to cover the spread and going with the over. That Timmy – is why you should not try this at home. Leave it to the professionals who can afford to lose their lunch money – like old Uncle Red. Face it, Red had a bad week but still was oh so ever close to “drinking coffee and smoking fine cigars” ala Johnny Cash. The Panthers, Jaguars, Lions and Cardinals lost games by a collective 11 points and sank Papa Red’s first week.
Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Seahawks over Rams. After last week, Red is only going out on a really strong limb that is supported by a steel column driven firmly into the bedrock. The Hawk are only giving up 6.5 on some books – which seems like a steal. But Red is getting “NL” from a few sources – meaning blow out coming. Red is indifferent about a 38.5 over under. Take the Seahawks and give up to 9.5 points – but no more. Seattle 28 Los Angeles 9.
Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers over Cardinals. Four touchdown drives of over 75 yards have Red believing. Four touchdown passes to four different targets has Red believing. The Doug Martin-Charles Sims tandem has Red believing. Then Red remembers it was a win over the Falcons. Fortunately, Red is pretty good at that whole “willing suspension of disbelief” thing. History says that this will be a close game. History lies. Tampa Bay 31 Arizona 17.
Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Bengals over Stealers [sic]. When they last met the “Stealers” lived up (or down as the case may be) to their name when they stole a playoff win from the Bengals. In reality, the Bengals’ loss was self-inflicted with incredibly stupid penalties by Vontaze Burfict and Adam (formerly PacMan) Jones allowing the Stealers a chance at a last second field goal to win. SI had the headline right – “Bengals lose all control as all hell breaks loose in loss to Stealers.” Red salutes SI as it is hard to use lose, loose and loss in one headline and actually get it right. Bengals are back at full strength with Red Rifle at the helm. Stupidity is kept in check on Sunday in Steeltown. Cincinnati 28 Pittsburgh 17.
Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans over Chiefs. Speaking of recent playoff humiliation – Red can’t really recall one worse than the 30-0 ass-whomping the Chiefs put on the Texans in January. It looked like a Division 6A team playing a six-man squad. There is no real reason to think that the Texans can compete with the Chiefs – even though Red has the Chiefs as the most overrated team in the league. But a man can dream can’t he? Houston 25 Chiefs 23.
Prime Time Pick of the Week – Vikings over Packers. This could be Red’s NFL Game of the Week. Packers came out sharp in the first half of the Week 1 win over the Jaguars. The furious second half field goal fest (2 for each team for a total of 12 second-half points) showed that the Pack has some work left to do. Meanwhile, the Vikings walked over the doormat Titans. No such scheduling luck this week. Shaun Hill showed enough to hold on to the starter’s job for at least another week. He surprises everyone this week by taking Player of the Week honors in a big win over the Pack. Minnesota 27 Green Bay 24 .
Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – OTNA’s over Cowboys. The OTNA’s put a merciful bullet in the head of the Cowboy’s season when these two old rivals last met in January. Of course, the OTNA’s had something to play for. They were 5-7 with four games to play after a humiliating loss to the Cowboys in Week 13. But they rallied to win four in a row and the NFC East while averaging an incredible 33 points a game. Much has changed since then, but the Cowboys still look like the dogs of the East. Landover MD 35 Arlington 20.
Paradise in Hell 