Author Archives: Red from Texas

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About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Red’s 2024 NFL Rankings – Week 6

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This week featured quite a few exciting down to the wire games, but for a change – Red posts his weekly rankings early.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – A bit of a grind to dispatch a very game Saints team, but they were ground down fine enough.
  2. Minnesota Vikings – Probably deserve to have the top ranking, but Red has his rules. Plus a bit of the shine came off Darn Old Sam as the offense struggled.
  3. Detroit Lions – The next 5 weeks will tell us if the Lions are really real.
  4. Baltimore Ravens – Derrick Henry takes the team on his back and carries it to an OT win. His run on the Ravens’ first possession in OT will be featured in his Hall of Fame highlights.
  5. Washington Commanders – We will see after the Commandos play the Ravens.
  6. Houston Texans – Red unimpressed by the H-Town logo, helmets and end zone paint and almost coughing up a 3 score lead. Somewhat more impressed by holding off the Bills in crunch time.
  7. Buffalo Bills – The defense is teetering. You can’t expect Josh Allen to pull a win out of the hat week in and week out. Weak out!
  8. Atlanta Falcons – Flying high now. Cue the music. Cue the dancers. Cue the balloons.
  9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – OT loss in Atlanta does not bode well. It bodes bad -sad.
  10. Denver Broncos – Bo Nix, go fix, no picks, so licks – and it suddenly it falls apart.
  11. Seattle Seahawks – A 102 yard fumble return should win you the game. But the Lions are good enough to overcome such nonsense.
  12. Dallas Cowboys – Don’t get too excited over a very ugly win in Pittsburgh.
  13. Chicago Bears – You beat the Panthers, Little Whoop!
  14. San Francisco 49ers – Having yet to win a division or conference game is not what we would call a particularly good look.
  15. Los Angeles Chargers – Bye, bye, bolts. Huh, you say?
  16. Arizona Cardinals – Beating what figures at some point to be a real 49ers team was a big lift and a big lift.
  17. New York Giants – Red is betting on the come here. And expecting snake eyes any moment.
  18. New Orleans Saints – are marching out.
  19. Las Vegas Raiders – Does anyone really know what time it is? You know they don’t put clocks in the casinos for a reason.
  20. Miami Dolphins – Unfortunately, they cannot play the Patriots every week.
  21. Indianapolis Colts – Can’t blame Flacco Joe for losing to the a formerly winless Jags team. The defense stunk it up.
  22. New York Jets – Adios Coach whatever your name was.
  23. Philadelphia Eagles – Red is certain that this week’s lowly ranking will stimulate the Eagles to better things.
  24. Pittsburgh Stealers – Maybe everyone is focused on the election?
  25. Los Angeles Rams – Taking top spot in the shitty teams section of this post.
  26. Cincinnati Bengals – Sometimes it just aint your year.
  27. Tennessee Titans – This team may not be as bad as Red suspects. But talk to Red after trips to Buffalo and Detroit.
  28. Cleveland Browns – Is Deshaun Watson the black Johnny Manziel?
  29. Jacksonville Jaguars – Sucking just a little bit less last week.
  30. Los Angeles Rams – You cannot believe how satisfying it is for Red to type “30” and then put the Rams next to it.
  31. Carolina Panthers – Red Rifle backfires.
  32. New England Patriots – Red has waited a long time for this.

JD Vance Writes – Red Translates

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Hey [Insert name of Rube here] , it’s JD Vance.

First, I want to thank you for being such a loyal supporter [aka sycophant] of President Trump.

We wouldn’t be where we are without your support [incredible gullibility].

Being President Trump’s running mate is the honor of my life [which obviously means it’s been a pretty sad tale].

Growing up poor in the small town of Middletown, Ohio, I never would’ve dreamed of being where I am now [running for office with a lying felonious sex criminal].

Middletown was once an industrial powerhouse, but thanks to the unfair trade deals signed by our “leaders” in DC [RINOS], the people of Middletown were left behind [except for me of course].

It angers me to my core [my very rotten core] to see average Americans get ripped off by our politicians [see, e.g,. Trump sneakers, Trump coins, Trump bibles, Trump NFTs, Trump diapers] , and that’s why I’m working my butt off [and it’s a big butt] to get President Trump elected [by hook or by crook – but mostly crook].

The truth is, President Trump is the only president in my lifetime who has stood up for working families [by giving giant tax cuts to the rich, being against raising the minimum wage, gutting worker safety protections and general union busting ton name a few], and it’s because of this, the DC “elite” [people with half a brain] want to destroy him [or maybe just sit back and let him destroy himself].

He’s literally putting his life on the line [behind bullet proof glass] to defend forgotten communities [sad pathetic losers to a man] like mine in Middletown.

But by the time this election is over, Kamala will have raised over $1 Billion to destroy his campaign [how unfair to actually raise money].

So if you haven’t donated before to help President Trump win, can you please give just $3 to help him save our country [I mean you really can’t expect a couple of billionaires to fund their own campaign when there are suckers like you for the fleecing]?

I grew up dirt poor [well more or less dusty poor anyway]. I know a few dollars can make or break a budget [now that I’m filthy rich thanks to Peter Thiel].

So if you can’t afford to chip in, please don’t worry about it [but you can go to hell anyway].

But time is running out. Voters are already casting ballots [we’re losing already].

If you’re on the fence about donating, right now at this very moment is the perfect time [to flush your hard earned dollars down the Trump toiler – a golden toilet I might add]

Please give today. It will go a long way in helping us Make America Great Again [and keep us from having to spend a dime].

J D Vance [,Scumbag]

Red’s 2024 NFL – Week 5 Rankings

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A bit late but here goes.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Still winning, still top of the heap.
  2. Minnesota Vikings – It’s kind of sad that there are only two undefeated teams after 4 games.
  3. Detroit Lions – Goff going 18 for 18 passing is going to get a W.
  4. Buffalo Bills – Rather a large hiccup against the resurgent Ravens last week. First loss by more than 10 points in 43 games.
  5. Baltimore Ravens – Better than the Bills right now, but still 2-2.
  6. Houston Texans – CJ Stroud leads big comeback to push the Texans back up in Red’s rankings. AFC South is there for the taking.
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Serious bay beat down off the Eagles.
  8. Washington Commanders – Red can scarcely believe his lying eyes. Will it last in DC?
  9. Pittsburgh Stealers – The curse of Flacco Joe holds steady in Steal Town.
  10. Seattle Seahawks – Losing to the Lions is not the end. Geno is playing lights out even in defeat.
  11. Green Bay Packers – Ready to Pack it in? Did you see what Red did there?
  12. Philadelphia Eagles – Trending in the wrong direction without their big talent.
  13. San Francisco 49ers – Beating the Pats. BIg Whoop!.
  14. New Orleans Saints – Trending in the wrong direction with their big talent.
  15. Indianapolis Colts – Sing it with Red – Flacco Joe, Flacco Joe, Flacco Joe – he’s got the Mo. Everybody!
  16. Los Angeles Chargers – Lots of injuries, but really should be better than 2-2.
  17. Atlanta Falcons – Always good to beat the Saints.
  18. Denver Broncos – Maybe there is life after death?
  19. Dallas Cowboys – Maybe there is death after life?
  20. Cincinnati Bengals – One day Red hopes to spell Cincinnati correctly the first time. Losing to the Panthers and the Red Rifle is a harbinger of doom.
  21. New York Jets – What a sad excuse for an offense right now.
  22. Chicago Bears – Caleb Williams handled Rams’ blitzkrieg. But will the Bears ever score a TD in the 1st Q?
  23. Las Vegas Raiders – The most inconsistent team at the quarter pole.
  24. Arizona Cardinals – Give me D! Give me an E! Give me an F! And stop there because the Cards defense deserves an F.
  25. Tennessee Titans – Defense shuts down an overmatched Dolphins offense. T. Hill frustrated.
  26. New York Giants – It seems having a supersized human as your team mascot is not a good look this season. See No. 25.
  27. Cleveland Browns – Red is taking a pass. Which is more than the Browns can do right now.
  28. Carolina Panthers – Red, Red, Rifle.
  29. New England Patriots – Week 1 win over the Bengals would look curious but for the Bengals sucking.
  30. Cincinnati Bengals – Speaking of sucking . . .
  31. Miami Dolphins – Making lots of pundits look bad.
  32. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jags lick the sweat off a dead man’s balls.

Red’s 2024 – NFL Rankings Week 4

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Red was undecided about the title. Should it be Week 3 because that is the week have just finished and rankings are based on those results or Week 4 because that is the week that is coming up. Not that it matters, but the consensus is this is Week 4.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs seem to be living on borrowed time. They are not scoring in the red zone, relying on field goals and where the hell is Mr. Kelce? But as noted until they lose the defending champs hold on to No. 1 spot.
  2. Buffalo Bills – The Bills offense is just playing better than any other team in the league right now.
  3. Minnesota Vikings – Surprise, surprise, surprise. With apologies to PFC Pyle. And if you don’t get that reference – well good for you. Total domination of the previously undefeated Texans.
  4. Seattle Seahawks – Seahawks will be hard pressed to stay undefeated unless the offensive line plays better.
  5. Pittsburgh Stealers – Red zone offense is horrible, yet they are 3-0. Red doesn’t argue with success.
  6. Philadelphia Eagles – Injuries and turnovers by Mr. Hurts abound. Eagles need to right the ship before division play.
  7. Detroit Lions – Another team with red zone troubles. Red senses a trend here.
  8. San Francisco 49ers – Injuries to the big playmakers (Deebo, McCaffery and Kittle) are a major cause for worry in Santa Somewhere.
  9. New Orleans Saints – Tayson Hill makes this offense very hard to defend against. Saints fans hope for a quick return.
  10. Los Angeles Chargers – Without Herbert look for a quick drop in the rankings next week.
  11. Green Bay Packers – Red doesn’t believe. But then again who cares what Red thinks?
  12. Houston Texans – Last week the Texans were . . . um . . . pummeled . . . yes pummeled is the word Red was looking for. And they get the biggest drop of the week as a reward.
  13. Baltimore Ravens – Ravens got a desperately needed win against the sagging Cowboys. They were swirling the drain in the 4th quarter but managed to hang on in what could be a season saver.
  14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Lack of rushing yards, not a problem as yet.
  15. New York Jets – Beating up on the weak sisters of the league only gets you so far.
  16. Washington Commanders – Moving in the right direction. Win over the Cardinals would be big right now.
  17. Arizona Cardinals – Trouble on the O line gets the Cards top spot as mediocre team of the week.
  18. Los Angeles Rams -Being down your top two wideouts usually spells trouble in this league.
  19. Atlanta Falcons – A credible showing against the Chiefs. NFC South looks to be a dog fight between 3 teams right now.
  20. Dallas Cowboys – Cowboys defense has been wretched in first 4 games. Barely beating the Giants on Thursday was not a good look.
  21. Cleveland Browns – Is Flacco Joe still available? No. Hmmm.
  22. Miami Dolphins – Is Flacco Joe still available? See above.
  23. Las Vegas Raiders – An unbalanced attack forced by having to continually play from behind spells trouble in the desert.
  24. Indianapolis Colts – Should not be this bad. Anthony Richardson needs to step up or step down.
  25. Chicago Bears – Untapped potential so far this season.
  26. Denver Broncos – Red always manages to end up with a worthless Bronco running back on his fantasy team.
  27. New York Giants – Credible effort against a sagging Cowboys squad.
  28. Jacksonville Jaguars – “I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.” H. Simpson. A useful quote likely to be heard again this season.
  29. Carolina Panthers – Who needs Flacco Joe when you have the Red Rifle? Very impressive, but can he keep it up?
  30. New England Patriots – How the mighty have fallen. Flat on their face apparently.
  31. Cincinnati Bengals – On life support right now.
  32. Tennessee Titans – Someone pull the plug, please.

Red’s 2024 – NFL Rankings Week 2

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  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Reigning champs will be No. 1 until they lose a game
  2. Buffalo Bills – The window still seems wide open.
  3. New Orleans Saints – What a freaking beat down of the unduly vaunted Cowboys. The season could end now and Red would be happy.
  4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Baker Mayfield has found his home at long last.
  5. Houston Texans – Playing as well as any team on on two and half sides of the ball.
  6. Los Angeles Chargers – Herbert’s sophomore slump appears to be just that.
  7. Seattle Seahawks – Red is going long on Geno playing the whole season.
  8. Minnesota Vikings – Will the smoke and mirrors hold out?
  9. Pittsburgh Stealers – Red believes at least for another week.
  10. Detroit Lions – Red’s former team of hit a road bump that they should have avoided
  11. San Francisco 49ers – Have they ever scored exactly 49 points in a game?
  12. Baltimore Ravens – The ship is listing badly. Captain LJ needs to take control.
  13. Philadelphia Eagles – Still have the best tandem running backs in the league.
  14. New York Jets – A Rodg looks good. Damn it.
  15. Miami Dolphins – With Tua out for the foreseeable future, Skylar Thompson has to step up.
  16. Green Bay Packers – Who knows? Surely not Red.
  17. Arizona Cardinals – Marvin Harrison, Jr. – Just wow!
  18. Las Vegas Raiders – Hmm.
  19. Cleveland Browns – A start for Jameis Winston can’t be far away.
  20. Atlanta Falcons – Redefining mediocrity.
  21. Dallas Cowboys – See No. 3 above.
  22. Washington Commanders – Division play awaits.
  23. Chicago Bears – Gave the Texans what for last week.
  24. Los Angeles Rams – Claiming the title of the best winless team.
  25. Indianapolis Colts – Not getting any breaks.
  26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Not deserving any breaks.
  27. Tennessee Titans – What is going on in Nashville?
  28. New England Patriots – If you can’t say something nice . . .
  29. Denver Broncos – See above.
  30. Cincinnati Bengals – Wake up!
  31. New York Giants – Looking hopeless.
  32. Carolina Panthers – Don’t make Red say it.

Red’s 2024 – NFL Week 1 Ratings

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  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Still winning games that they should probably lose.
  2. San Francisco 49ers – Loaded for bear.
  3. Buffalo Bills – the only 2-0 team gets real consideration from Red.
  4. Detroit Lions – Red’s former team of destiny has arrived.
  5. Houston Texans – Beating the Colts on the road has never been easy for this team.
  6. Dallas Cowboys – A nice beat down of the Browns.
  7. Philadelphia Eagles – Top quality win over the Packers.
  8. Tampa Bay Bucs – Beating the Commanders. Big Whoop!
  9. Miami Dolphins – Nice win over Florida rival Jags.
  10. Baltimore Ravens – Coulda, shoulda, didn’t. A lot of teams say that after playing Chiefs.
  11. Seattle Seahawks – Winning a game they need to win.
  12. Los Angeles Chargers – Off on the right foot for Jim Harbaugh.
  13. Pittsburgh “Stealers” – It never gets old.
  14. Chicago Bears – Enjoy your time in the top 50%.
  15. Minnesota Vikings – Ditto.
  16. New England Patriots – Almost Ditto. Nice win for new coach.
  17. New Orleans Saints – Well, they won. If beating the Panthers counts as a win.
  18. Los Angeles Rams – Matthew Stafford was lucky to not leave in a basket.
  19. Green Bay Packers – 16, 43, 8.5, Spokane, Hup!
  20. Indianapolis Colts – The second best loser this week after the Ravens.
  21. Atlanta Falcons – The ship is already listing just a bit.
  22. Jacksonville Jaguars – A well deserved loss.
  23. Cincinnati Bengals – Red is wondering about his Wildcard pick of the Bengals already.
  24. New York Jets – A road stomping to start the season.
  25. Cleveland Browns – Don’t deserve this high of a ranking, but see below.
  26. Washington Commanders – If you can’t say anything nice . . .
  27. Denver Broncos – Ugh.
  28. Las Vegas Raiders – The beginning of a long, hot and dry season.
  29. New York Giants – There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
  30. Tennessee Titans – The rebuilding starts early.
  31. Arizona Cardinals – Nowhere to go but up.
  32. Carolina Panthers – Pencil them in at No. 32. Oh, who is Red kidding? Use ink.

Red’s Preseason Prediction Summary

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For the loyal readers who don’t feel like reading Red’s extensive and inciteful division by division analysis, Red provides this convenient summary.

AFC Division Champions – Kansas City, Buffalo, Houston and Baltimore

NFC Division Champions – Philadelphia, San Francisco, Atlanta and Detroit

AFC Wildcards -Miami, Cincinnati and Los Angeles (Chargers)

NFC Wildcards – Tampa Bay, Dallas and Green Bay

How is that for succinct?

Red’s 2024 NFL Preseason Picks Returns and the Dead Man of the Year Award

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Red has been missing in action for quite some time now.  Normally the season recap goes here, but it is hard to recap a season that you sat out.  However, a hurricane and a bout of COVID have convinced Red to get off of his duff and start embarrassing himself with NFL predictions yet again. 

But first, the Annual (sort of) version of Red’s NFL Deadman of the Year Award.  As readers may (or may not) remember, this award goes to the NFL player who contributed about as much to his team’s success as would have a Dead Man.

Drum Roll please.

Readers should first note, however,  that  injury does not factor in to the official Dead Man rankings.  Thus for example, as much as you might want Red to consider the utterly miserable season of – say – Aaron Rodgers – the fact that he finished the season with one pass attempt, no completions, no yardage and one sack would otherwise qualify him for consideration. But the fact that this was all due to injury puts A-Rodg out of contention.   See also, JK Dobbins,  Nick Chubb, Deshaun Watson,  Jack Conklin and others.

There were some worthy candidates.  Players like Michael Gallup (Cowboys), Dameon Pierce (Texans), Bryce Young (Panthers), Jerry Jeudy (Broncos) and Derek Carr (Saints) come to mind, but they all did something that barely contributed to the success of their team.  So we look elsewhere.

And where else to look but to the franchise that was in very recent memory the standard by which all others were judged.  That of course means the New England Patriots.  After leading the Pats to a 10-7 season in his rookie year and then falling off considerably in 2022, Quarterback Mac Jones was nothing short of dreadful last season.  He was benched in week 4 in a 38-3 loss to the Cowboys.  Given another chance in week 5 he was benched in a 34-0 loss to the mediocre Saints.  He would get yanked again in week 10 in a slightly more respectable 10-6 loss to the Colts, before his season finally ended a week 11 loss to the Giants (10-7) with redoubtable Bailey Zappe taking the helm.  Jones would not play in another game and was inactive for the season finale. The high point Mac’s season was a rather inexplicable 29-25 win against the Bills.  Overall, Jones lost 9 of his 11 starts, ended with 12 INTs and 10 TDs, had one 300 yard passing game (week 1) and passed for under 200 yards 5 times.  After week one, he had a meager 7 more TD tosses in the next 10 games.  On the bright side he only fumbled 3 times. How all of this added up to a 77.0 QB rating is something of a mystery to Red.  

CONGRATULATIONS (or condolences) – Mac Jones you are Red’s 2023 NFL Deadman of the Year.

P.S.  I hear that Jacksonville is lovely in the Fall.