Red’s NFL Picks – Wildcard Weekend

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It’s playoff time in Texas with at least a pair of playoff games to be hosted in the Lone Star State. Houston will host the Raiders in a Wildcard game on Saturday, while the Cowboys wait until next week to play in Arlington.

But first the season recap and a look back to the barely remembered days of the new season in September.

In Week 17, Red was 3-3 – ending the season on a losing note. Red was 39-43-2 for the season.  Red hasn’t yet chosen his penance and welcomes suggestions.  Forcing him to watch a replay of Clemson’s beat down of Ohio State in the PlayStation Fiesta Bowl might be a good start.

As far as preseason picks went, Red fared about as well as a monkey throwing darts at third string quarterbacks strapped to a tackling dummy. And for the record, Red has personally witnessed two exhibitions of professional simian dart throwing competitions and ESPN-3 doesn’t have a clue as to what it is missing out on.  In the NFC, Red had the Giants, Panthers, Cardinals and Vikings as division winners (that’s 0-4 for those keeping score) and the Buccaneers and Packers as Wildcards (for a total of 2 of 6 playoff teams).  Red would like to say he fared better in the more predictable AFC.  Red would like to say that he won the lottery Saturday night as well, but unfortunately neither statement would be what the fact checkers like to call correct.  In the AFC, Red had the Patriots, Raiders, Jaguars and Bengals as division champs (that’s 1 out of 4 for the scorekeepers but since the 1 was the Pats it almost doesn’t count) and the Jets and Broncos as the Wildcards (for a total of 2 of 6).  So the sad tale of the tape is Red’s worst season ever of pre-season predictions (4 of 12) followed up with Red’s worst season ever on his weekly picks.  A word to the wise – stop reading here.

Wildcard week features several teams that were written off at various points this season.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Stealers sandbag Dolphins.  Remember when the Stealers were 4-5 with a more than usually crippled Ben Rotlessburger at the helm.  Not to mention having lost 34-3 to the Eagles in Week 3.  Fortunately for the Stealers, the Bengals imploded, the Ravens stalled out and the Browns were – well, the Browns.  Big Ben will be playing in what appears to be his 217th playoff game (surpassing Tim Duncan) while the Dolphins’ backup quarterback Matt Moore will be playing for the first time since his junior year of high school.  Fantasy favorite Le’Veon (meaning “The Veon” in an obscure Indo-European language spoken only by sailors in the middle of Arabian Sea) Bell will also be suiting up for his first playoff game having been injured the last two times the Stealers snuck into the post-season.  Speaking of being written off for dead, the Dolphins were 1-4 (having beaten only the Browns so really 0-5) when Pittsburgh came to Florida in mid-October.  The Dolphins won 30-15 which ignited a 6 game winning streak culminating in a 9-2 down the stretch (a really long stretch if you will) losing only to the Ravens (badly) and the Patriots (automatically). They were aided by getting to play the Chargers, Rams, 49ers and Jets – but still someone had to win those games.  The Dolphins will be riding Jay Ajayi (meaning “wild bull of the pampas” in Igbo) all game long.  Unfortunately, it’s a long game and that works to advantage of the Steal Crew.  Only the brave or the foolish or the bravely foolish or the foolishly brave would pick the Stealers to cover 10 points in January in western Pennsyltucky. Red is not foolish, but adheres to the axiom “Fortune favors the bold.” Of course, Red routinely hits on 17 when playing Blackjack. If it’s below 25 and snowing bet the under, if its over 35 and sunny bet the over, if its partly cloudy and somewhere between 25 and 35 order a pizza. Pittsburgh 25 Miami 14.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Lions lick Seahawks. The eyes of the entire football world are intensely focused on Matt Stafford’s middle finger.  Exactly how many tendons have been shredded has not yet been exposed via Wikileaks but it is just a matter of time.  What is known is that MS is playing with a specially engineered glove that cost more than the annual defense budget of Lithuania.  This is thought to be a reasonable expense since being taken over by amiable Russian dictator Vlad Putin is now viewed as a more favorable option than losing in pinko Seattle. What is also known is that Stafford is now throwing like Vince Ferragamo.  They saying rushing and defense wins playoff games.  Not this week.  The Seahawks leading back is Thomas “Lou” Rawls who has a mighty 349 yards rushing for the season.   Consequently, the Seahawks have been chunking it up 35 times a game on average for about 260 yards in the air each week.  It remains a mystery how they have been able to average 22.1 points per game – which exactly ½ point better than the Lions at 21.6.  And to complete the picture you need know nothing more than that the Lions are 30th in rushing in the league making the Seahawks 25th ranked running game look positively scintillating. So this one comes down to passing and pressure on the quarterback.  Will the Seahawks be able to pressure Matt “the Statue” Stafford or will the Lions be able to contain Russell “Crazylegs” Wilson?  Red never misunderestimates RW’s ability to throw away a game.  He throws up 3 picks this weekend and the Lions win a squeaker.  Detroit 21 Seattle 20.

 

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans turnback Raiders.   These teams last met for a romantic dinner on a charming sidewalk café in Mexico, D.F. The game ended with the Raiders winning.  After the game, the emaciated ghost of Al Davis was reportedly seen sporting a silver and black tourist sombrero while doing Tequila shots at a less than reputable bar in the Zona Rosa.   Many commentators thought that the sea-level playing Texans were sucking gas in the 7000 foot air of Estadio Azteca by the 4th quarter while ignoring the fact that Oakland also happens to be located on a bay – more or less at sea level.  The Raiders game was the beginning of a 3 game losing streak after which the Texans were written off as walking dead.  They responded by eking out wins over the Colts, Jaguars and Bengals to secure their 4th AFC South crown in 6 years – which as Red has previously commented is the rough equivalent of being judged the prettiest turd in the toilet. Meanwhile, the Raiders were rolling until life without Derek Carr proved to be problematic.  It looks like unheralded rookie Connor Cook will be in charge on Saturday in Texas.  He fared poorly against a very good Broncos defense.  He will be facing the supposed No. 1 defense in the NFL in the Texans (they actually rank 10th in scoring defense – the only stat that really matters).  Meanwhile in Houston, life with either Tom “Less than Terrific” Savage or Brock “If that really is your name” Osweiler has been already proven to be troublesome for the Texans. The Texans are only the 3rd team in the modern era to make the playoffs while failing to score at least 28 points in one single dadgum game.  They join the 78 Falcons and the 94 Bears in that category of distinction.  The Texans offense has had trouble finding the end zone (Hint: stand at the 50 yard line and look in either direction) this season reaching the promised land only 23 times.  They would be in single possession of last place but for the Rams matching them in offensive ineptitude. Maybe that all changes this week.  Or maybe not.  But it won’t take too much to hand the Raiders their first playoff defeat in more than a decade or to convince Red to switch over to a Lifetime movie. Houston 13 Oakland 10.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Giants gouge Packers.   This week ends all the Aaron Rodgers for MVP rah-rah.  The Giants simply win playoff games at Lambeau having done so in 2007 and 2011.  The Giants defense is adept at limiting those critical things called points – having given up an average of only 17.8 per game this season – good enough for second in the league.  The Packers are another team that lived on borrowed time for a while this season.  They were 4-6 after Week 11 having been stomped in consecutive weeks by the OTNAs and the Titans – the Titans mind you! They snapped back with a 6 game win streak to claim the NFC Central banner – which will serve as a community towel in the team sauna.  They beat 3 playoff teams in that stretch (Texans, Seahawks and Lions) and raised expectations of another Lombardi Trophy coming home to the nest.  Not to be, says Red.  Look for Eli “Short for Eliza” Manning to take control of this one and seal it with one last desperation drive to drive a stake through the heart of Packer Nation. New Jersey 28 Green Bay 24.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 17

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NFL Picks 2016 – week 17

In Week 16, Red was 3-3 – which is a minor triumph this season. Red is 36-40-2 for the season.  Aaargh!

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Cardinals crumple Rams. The Cards have been dealt and both of these teams folded.  The Rams actually exceeded expectations and a 5-11 season would not be viewed as an enormous disappointment.  What is disappointing is having the 32nd ranked offense in the 32 team NFL.  Need more disappointment – How about Jared Goff’s 61.7 QB rating? – which makes Case Keenum’s 76.4 look positively marvelous.  Or Todd Gurley’s 3.2 yard per carry average?  Bright spots?  The fantasy freaks who went long on Kenny Britt have to be happy with his 1000 yards and 5 TDs. And the Rams defense doesn’t suck.  But that’s it.   Meanwhile in the desert, the Cards are a major disappointment (we’re using that word a lot here).  No one expected the Cardinals to have a losing record – nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition either.  Giving up 6 is a lot to ask, but the Cards will cover.  Red also likes the over at 40.5 – but just barely.  Arizona 25 Los Angeles 16.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Chargers challenge Chiefs. Red is putting this category to rest after this week.  And what better way to do that than with the team that has consistently underperformed all season.  The Chargers are a playoff team that can’t finish off a game.  The Chargers have lost 5 games in which they seemed to be cruising to victory until the bottom fell out.  That started with the first game of the season when the Chief rallied (a word Red really hates) from 17 points down in the 4th quarter to win 33-27.  That set the tone for the entire Chargers season as they continued to tank it.  Revenge is sweet this week and the Chargers send the Chiefs off to a 5th seed for Wildcard Weekend.  Red just loves that he is picking a team in the midst of a 4 game losing streak.  Arizona 17 Seattle 16.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Giants gouge OTNAs. To rehash from earlier this season – this rivalry rocks.  NFL Network ranks it as the No. 1 rivalry of all time, SI has it at No. 4.  The Giants lead the series 86-81-2 making it one of the most competitive rivalries in league history. The first game, however, was not – as the Giant crushed the Eagles 56-0 at the Polo Grounds in 1933.  Over the years, game have been played at the Polo Grounds, Baker Bowl, Philadelphia Municipal Stadium, Connie Mack Stadium, Yankee Stadium, Franklin Field, Veterans Stadium, Yale Bowl, Giants Stadium, and Lincoln Financial Field.  What is surprising is that the Giants played at Yankee Stadium until 1973 before getting a stadium of their own at the Meadowlands.  The teams have met 4 times in the post-season with the Giants winning in 1981 and after the 2000 season and the Eagles winning after the 2006 and 2008 seasons.  Red expects a shootout on Sunday.  This is your NFL game of the week. New Jersey 35 Philadelphia 31.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans tackle Titans.   This game could have been a contender.  But it’s a bum, especially with the soon-to-be-great Marcus Mariota out.  The Texans use this one as a warmup for their 4th playoff game in six years at NRG, which – despite what the bloviators on the radio say – doesn’t suck. Houston 22 Tennessee 20.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Packers pummel Lions.   This is a real prime time game with many marbles on the line.  All the marbles in fact.  This is winner take all time.  Since starting 4-6, the Pack has turned it on winning 5 in a row.  Meanwhile, the Lions have tanked in December.  This could have been a laugher for them, but it is now do or die.  They die.  Sadly, the weather for Green Bay seems downright pleasant with a game time temperature in the 30’s and no real chance of snow. Green Bay 35 Detroit 27.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week –Bills butt Jets. This week features the rare all-New York (sort of) Shit Bowl.  Here are two teams that deserve SB status in the final week of what has been a really exceptional SB year.  Almost every week (thanks largely to the Browns and the NFC North)  there have been truly awful games for Red to choose from.  This week is no exception with the fabulously mediocre 7-8 Bills on the road to meet the horrendously disappointing 4-11 Jets.  Those nursing hangovers will be well advised to avoid watching this beastly bowel battle, lest ye be tempted to pick up that stray empty soldier, break it over the coffee table and jab it into your femoral artery to ease the pain of truly awful football. Orchard Park 3 New Jersey 2.

Today in Texas History – December 21

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From the Annals of the Governors –  In 1847, George Tyler Wood took office as the second governor of the state of Texas.    Wood was a relative newcomer to the state having arrived in 1839 from Georgia.  He established a plantation near Point Blank in San Jacinto County.  He was elected to the House of Representatives of the Republic in 1841 and later to the State Senate.    He ran for the open seat after Gov. James Pinckney Henderson decided to not seek a second term. His cause was aided by the death of candidate Isaac Van Zandt with most of Van Zandt’s support migrated to Wood.

Wood’s major accomplishment as governor was working to effective organization of local governments and the establishment of court houses.  He failed in Texas’ efforts to claim New Mexico as part of Texas and to convince the Federal government to fortify the Texas frontier.  As a result, he was a one term governor.  He lost his bid for reelection to Peter Bell in 1849.  He twice sought to return to the Governor’s mansion but was unsuccessful.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 16

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Fifteen weeks in and Red is still sucking gas. What’s prognosticator to do?  Open a bottle of Chianti, put the pot roast on the stove and settle in for some more disappointment. Another 2-4 in Week 15 aint getting it done. Red is 35-41-2 for the season.  This week will be 6-0 for sure or perhaps 0-6.  Whatever, Merry Christmas!

Sure Bet Pick of the Week –Titans topple Jaguars. The Titans are playing as well as any highly mediocre team in the league with playoff pretensions right now.  And unlike most of the other pretenders, the Titans actually control their own destiny.  Two wins and they are in.  The scheduling geniuses may look like – well, geniuses – if the Titans win and the Colts lose this week, or if the Titans and Texans both win, or if the Titans, Texans and Colts all lose.  If any of those scenarios come to pass, then it will be winner take on New Year’s Day in Nashville.   For the first time that Red can remember, a game between the old Houston franchise (miss ya’ blue) and the new Houston franchise (see definition of mediocrity in your Webster’s Collegiate) might actually mean something – and Red has to root for that.  Meanwhile, the Jags are coming off tough loss to Texans and firing of Head Coach Gus Bradley (or something like that).  Sometimes hanging a coach in effigy is a cathartic experience for the team and they rally around the survivors.  Not this week.  Mariota torches the Jags and the starters get some rest.  Take the Titans giving up 4 and the over at 43.   Tennessee 33 Jacksonville 16.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Cardinals Crush Seahawks. Red is starting to wonder about the wisdom of this category.  Trying to pick an underdog every week has definitely hurt the bottom line.  But Red is never one to shrink from a challenge – run away screaming like a 8 year old boy perhaps, but not to shrink.  Cardinals are playing for pride at this point.  Seahawks are playing to secure 2d seed.  A loss could drop them to 4th seed if Falcons and Lions both win –possibly resulting in an undesirable wildcard game against the always dangerous in the playoffs Giants. So it’s not like the Seahawks can rest up down the stretch.  Cardinals were in the playoff hunt before losing 4 of the last 5 – mostly to decent teams.  There is no reason to pick them to win on the road, but here goes.  Arizona 17 Seattle 16.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Vikings vanquish Packers. Red picked the Vikings to win this division and Red is going down with the longboat.  As rivalries go, this one is not bad.  112 meetings with the Packers holding a 89-51-2 edge.  And the teams have split their two playoff games with the Vikings winning after the 2004 season and the Packers taking it home in 2012.  The proximity of our northern neighbors and the chance for a late season blizzard game adds to the promise here.  With any luck at all it’s a miserable Christmas Eve in northern Wisconsin.  As you know, Red likes nothing more than to sit by the fire and watch large, fast men play in the snow. Minnesota 13 Green Bay 10.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys clobber Lions.   Tony Who? Arlington 24 Detroit 20.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans take down Bengals.   Red was present at NRG on a cold Sunday afternoon for the beginning of the Tom Savage era.  Sometimes a strange thing happens when the struggling and seemingly incompetent starter is unceremoniously yanked.  Sometimes the offensive line starts blocking, and the wide receivers start getting open and the running backs pick it up a notch and the referee’s calls start going your way.  That’s exactly what happened on Sunday and TS took advantage leading the Texans to a rousing come from behind victory before the not-so-faithful on the South Loop.  But before we get too excited – remember that it was against the hapless Jaguars.  Episode 2 of “Tom Savage, Texans Quarterback” will be on NFL Network Christmas Eve.  Red will probably be eating his special holiday tenderloin with a stuffed baked potato and a delightful salad surrounded by kith and kin while the drama unfolds.  Let him know how it turns out. Houston 24 Cincinnati 13.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week –Rams ransack 49ers. This week features the rare all-California Shit Bowl.  Throw in the added plus of a team with a recently fired coach (Mr. Mediocrity himself – Jeff Fischer) and the prospect of a soon to be fired coach (Mr. Send Him Back to College – Chip Kelly) and you have the makings of a possibly entertaining Shit Bowl this week.  Oh, who is Red kidding?  He’s just excited that he doesn’t have to pick a Browns game this week.  So don’t climb up on the roof to fix your Christmas lights at halftime of this beastly bowel battle, you might decide to stay up there and baby, it’s cold outside.  Rams rally to pull one out – pun intended. Los Angeles 27 Santa Clara 24.

Today in Texas History – December 19

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Flag of Coahuila y Tejas

From the Annals of Remonstrances  –  In 1832, San Antonio de Bexar presented a list of grievances to the legislature of Coahuila y Tejas. The document known as the Bexar Remonstrance was signed by José Ángel Navarro, alcalde of San Antonio. It sought repeal of that part of the Law of April 6, 1830, banning immigration from the United States. It also sought the separation of Texas from Coahuila.

The flag of Coahuila y Tejas is shown.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 15

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Red was so depressed after Week 13 that he could hardly brush the chips off his sweater and get off the couch. He had to take Week 14 off because of that and the press of other crap coming down the pipe.  Anyhow, 2-4 in Week 13 dug that hole just a little deeper. Red is a sorry 33-37-2.  Down but not quite yet out.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week –Texans tackle Jaguars. After saving the season with a win over the Colts last week, the Texans have the bye week that is otherwise known as having the Jaguars come to town.  Texans now have the playoffs squarely in their sights and the Jags have the offseason and cheeseburgers in mind.  The Texans running game is probably too much for the Jags 4-3 to handle and expect the T-men to grind it out on the ground and control the ball for most of the game.  It won’t be exciting but it will be better than turning the game over to BO and the pathetic excuse for a passing attack that is the Texans offense.  If the Texans aren’t tight, then the crowd could be headed for the exits to celebrate in the parking lot with about 12 minutes left.  If the Texans are tight, it will get ugly at NRG.  Red will bet the South 40 on the Texans giving up 6 against a team that seems to have their bags packed and ready to go.  And whatever the under is – Red likes it.  Houston 20 Jacksonville 7.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Broncos bust Patriots. The defending champions aint going down without a fight.  Broncos draw a line in the sand and dare the Pats to cross.  But not for a first down.  This will be one mean and ugly tussle.  Keep the body bags handy boys. Denver 21 New England 20.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Raiders ransack Chargers. Derek Carr cements his claim to an MVP nod after these two old rivals meet.  This one dates back to the very beginnings of the AFL in 1960 and they have played twice every season since with the Raiders holding a 62-50-2 edge and having won the only playoff game in the series in January of 1981. Raiders just have too much offensive firepower for the Chargers (no slackers either) to keep pace. Both defenses will be sucking gas by halftime.  Will this be the last time that San Diego and Oakland meet?  And who can really get excited about a matchup between yet another team from LA and the Las Vegas Raiders?   Oakland 45 San Diego 37.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Buccaneers beat back Cowboys.   Has the league figured out Dak Prescott just enough to make life fairly difficult for the Rookie phenom?  If a relatively bruised and battered Giants defense can hold you to 7 points and those 7 points came on a blown defensive play, then just how good is your formerly high-octane offense?  Probably not that good.  Meanwhile, the seafaring criminals have developed a pretty defense if you ignore their No. 21 ranking against the run.  But that does not account for the way that the Bucs have been playing for 5 weeks.  Look for a couple of big plays as Jameis connects with Mike “I won a Heisman Trophy for Johnny F. Football” Evans.  Two big TDs to Evans sink the Boys ship for a second week in a row and get all of Cowboy Nation wondering if Dak was a flash in pan and calling Romo, Romo, where for art thou Romo?   Tampa Bay 21 Arlington 10.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – OTNAs outplay Panther.   Red was raised on OTNA hate – back when  he was a Cowboys fan and they were still the OTNAs but Red was not offended by their name. Red still hate him some OTNA (and now some Cowboy), but has to accept reality this week while still wondering what the hell happened to the Panthers who simply could not lose last season.  Red aint got a clue. Landover, MD 29 Carolina 14.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week –Browns best Bills. Red  is picking the Browns to win.  Red is picking the Browns to win.  Red is picking the Browns to win.  Red is picking the Browns to win.  Say it as much as you like, it still doesn’t make sense.  Duct tape all objects weighing under 5 pounds in place during the pre-game, lest ye be tempted to hurl them at your big 70” baby when you have been tricked into watched this turgid turd tussle. Cleveland 3 Orchard Park 0.

Today in Texas History – December 15

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From the Annals of the Cavalry –  In 1855, the Second United States Cavalry Regiment first came to Texas. The SUSCR  was organized specifically for service on the Texas frontier. Its officers were hand-picked by Secretary of War Jefferson Davis.  The regiment was known as “Jeff Davis’s Own.” The SUSCR stayed until the Civil War.  THE SUSCR engaged in 40 actions on the Texas frontier and along the Rio Grande fighting Apaches, Comanches, Kiowas, and Mexican marauders.  The regiment was home to future Confederate Generals Albert Sidney Johnston, Robert E. Lee, Edmund Kirby Smith, and John Bell Hood.

Today in Texas History – December 2

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From the Annals of Faux Law Enforcement – In 2010, Our Poor Idiot Governor Rick Perry named Chuck Norris (of Walker- Texas Moron fame) and his brother Aaron as honorary members of the Texas Rangers law enforcement agency.  Criminals across the state trembled at the prospect and a couple of would be felons turned themselves in.  If only Red could know what the actual Texas Ranger in the background was thinking.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 13

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Red just can’t quite get out of the hole he dug for himself in September. Red maintained by going 3-3 in Week 12 which puts Red at 31-33-2 for the season. He may demand a recount.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week –OTNAs overtake Cardinals. At the beginning of the season, the Cards talked about “stacking wins” presumably meaning having a couple of nice 4 to 6 game winning streaks.  Right now the Cards have been reduced to talking about “stacking first downs.” Meanwhile in Maryland, the OTNAs are putting together an offensive powerhouse with Kirk Cousins at the helm (words Red never thought he would write).  KC has 20 touchdowns and an outside shot at a 4500 yard season.  The Kelley-Jones tandem at RB is mediocre but will suffice when you have 3 receivers who might catch 80 and surpass 900 yards on the season – especially when that group does not include DeSean Jackson (who doesn’t lag too far behind in yards and TDs).  The Cards have the remarkable David Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald and squat after that. Yet somehow the Cards are favored by 2.5.  The consensus O/U is a hefty 50.5 but that doesn’t scare Red too bigly.  Take the OTNAs and the points and the over if you must.   Landover, Md. 33 Arizona 24.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers belt Chargers. The Bucs still are in the thick of a playoff race with the Falcons in their division and other Wild Card contenders.  The Chargers are going nowhere in the incredible AFC West and have no realistic change of a Wild Card berth.  Yet the professional prognosticators are fairly unanimous in calling this one for the Chargers.  Go figure.  It might be that others are catching on to Red’s long time fixation on the triple-reverse time zone, inverse coast hex and think that the Bucs can’t win bigly on the West Coast.  Red factors that in, but he also factors in having something to play for in December and gives the edge ever so slightly to the Bucs in a match-up of equals.  But he is predicting a shoot-out that could go to OT. Tampa Bay 36 San Diego 33.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Jets jettison Colts. Not much in the old rivalry closet this week. These teams have played each other a respectable 72 including 4 post-season games.  The Colts lead 41-31 but with the Jets having won the biggest one of them all in Superb Owl III.  The Jets have had the Colts number winning 4 of the last 5 dating back to 2009 (another era in NFL terms) and won the 17-16 playoff “thriller” on the road after 2010 season.  Red predicts that Luck is the next Ryan Fitzpatrick – that is a smart QB from an academically challenging school that has early success and morphs into a caretaker QB as his career winds down.  The old caretaker wins this one but not too bigly. New Jersey 24 Indianapolis 14.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Packers pick on Texans.  For just a moment last week, Red thought the Chargers were going to find a way to blow an 11-point lead with 41 seconds to go in the game.  But alas, these were the Texans and while Red has seen offenses suck before, the Texans offense is (with apologies to Homer Simpson) “the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”  Sorry, Red is under a court order to use that phrase at least once every season.  The Pack is back, way back, but on the way back, unless it packs its bags and heads back backwards.  And that’s just the Dom Capers-led defense.  But remember, the Chargers were supposed to have a subpar defense that was borderline godawful at stopping the run. And the Texans scored how many points last week?  Game time temps are expected to be in the low 30s with sleet and snow.  Maybe A-Rodg’s pee will freeze before it hits the bucket in his sideline tent. But Red digresses.  Please God, let this be a blizzard game so that the Texans will have one last excuse for a pitiful offensive performance.  Sadly, even at 6-6, the Texans are a good bet to win the AFC South, get a home playoff game (Ka-Ching) and get stomped bigly by the Dolphins or Chiefs or Broncos or Stealers or Ravens or . . . ??? in front of the not-so-faithful. Green Back 21 Houston 11.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Panthers punch Seahawks.  And speaking of division leaders with crappy offenses – one cannot ignore the stench emanating from the Seahawks sideline.  The current leading rusher for the Hawks is (drum roll please) C.J. Prosise with 172 yards and 1 touchdown.  With a running game like that you end up scoring 5 points.  With the falloff of the defensive unit formerly known as the “Legion”, the Hawks are going to have trouble down the stretch.  If not for playing in the god-awful NFC West, the Hawks would be lucky to be .500 and scrambling for another playoff berth with a 7-9 record.  Everyone but everyone is picking the Hawks to win this one.  Red will look like a genius when the Panthers win bigly.  Pete the Cheat still makes the playoffs for one last season, but only by default and only for one game. Carolina 35 Seattle 14.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – 49ers foul Bears. Red has pretty much avoided Chip Kelly’s disaster on the West Coast this season because he kind of likes the Chipster while thinking that he should return to being the great college football coach that he is.  Lord knows he won’t take much of a pay cut when Nebraska or the like come calling.  In the meantime, Red is really proud to present one of the shittiest of the Shit Bowls in recent memory.  Really, who hasn’t been waiting all season for the Brian Hoyer – Colin Kaepernick show down of sub-prime, fan-hated NFL quarterbacks.  It will be an exciting race to see which of these two giants of the gridiron will move past 1500 yards passing for the season first.  Throw in a little Jordan Howard and Carlos Hyde at running back and you have the makings of a good afternoon nap on the couch in Red’s man cave (also known as the broom closet). Even Alshon Jeffery has managed to delight his fantasy football backers with all of 1 – count ‘em 1 – touchdown this season.  Red will be hanging the Christmas lights instead of watching this beastly bowel battle lest he string up a noose with those lights and bigly hang himself from the eaves instead. Santa Clara 10 Chicago 9.