Tag Archives: NFL

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 16

Red was 4-3 last week and made a mistake in picking an extra game.  F#(%ing Cowboys! That puts Red at 36-40 for the season with only two weeks to pull some smelly scabrous mascot out of the hat.  As noted, Red has not been picking against the line this season and maybe that was a mistake as his work might have had some redeeming value.  As it stands, not so much.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Stealers over Saints.  The Stealers found new life in survival against the Patriots last week.  That sort of hard fought win can propel a team into a desperately needed season-closing win streak or just be a dead cat bounce.  The Stealers offensive line is capable of taking over a game on a good week.  They do it on the Bayou this week and enjoy playing in the controlled environment for a change.  Make no mistake, the Saints may be the best team in the NFL right now – but even the best can be beat.  Pittsburgh 29 New Orleans 28.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Seahawks.  Yes, Red has prominently featured the Chiefs all season, but no team has played in more interesting games than the boys from the great plains.  This week is no exception.  The Seahawks need a win to keep pace in a jumbled NFC wild card race.  The Chiefs have clinched a playoff spot but need a win to keep pace with the hard-charging Chargers (sorry but it’s true).  Both teams need wins, both teams can win, both teams can lose.  Red is really on a triteness roll this morning.  Enough!  Watch this game.  Kansas City 41 Seattle 37.

Your Texas Game of the Week –  Eagles over Texans.  The Texans are just not playing very well right now.  It took a ridiculous number of field goals for them to dispatch the Jets – who don’t completely suck thanks to Mr. Darnold.  While watching the game, Mrs. Red exclaimed, “Is his name really Darn Old?”  Yep, he’s that darn old quarterback.  This week they face the resurgent Eagles with “big ass chip on his shoulder still” Nick Foles at the helm.  Nick has big money to play for.  He makes big time plays this week.  Philadelphia 25 Houston 21.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Bears over 49ers.  It seems that no team can stop  the mighty Bears right now – certainly not the smoking ruins of the 49ers once glorious franchise.  The only issue might be a slight hangover after having rolled and smoked the hated rival Packers last week.  It’s not enough but might make this one a bit closer than otherwise expected.  Chicago 20 Santa Clara 16.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Ravens.  The time zone hex has been a particularly poor indicator this season.  Red is left to wonder if the best days of the hex have been eviscerated by better front office planning and easier in-week workouts.   The Chargers do not need the hex factor to dispatch a mediocre Ravens team travelling on one of the 4-5 longest road trips possible in the NFL (Red believes Seattle-Miami takes the top spot but Boston- LA may not be far behind).  Chargers cost Red a shot at a much needed fantasy football championship last week by going for the win instead of taking the game to OT.  But he cannot fault balls.  No balls really needed this week – other than the oblate spheroid.   Los Angeles 45 Baltimore 22.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Broncos over Raiders.  My how the mighty have fallen.  These are two teams that could have been somebody in recent seasons, instead of a bum which is what they are (with apologies to Marlon Brando).  But with a combined 19 losses between them they are both deserving of placement in the penultimate Shit Bowl.  Red kind of likes Case Keenum despite his having played at POS UH.  And after last season, it looked like a big mistake for the Texans to have let this guy get away.  Now, not so much.  15 TDs against 12 INTs and 32 sacks is not a prescription for success.  Throw in his 8 fumbles (of which miraculously only one has been lost) and you have about 4 semi-disastrous plays per game without much to offset it.  The overall lack of talent is clearly not his fault, but great QBs make those around them play better and that has not happened here.  As for the Raiders, the less said the better as they skulk their way out of Oakland for the second time in franchise history leaving the emaciated ghost of Dead Al Davis to wander for all eternity croaking “Just win baby” in a voice that can only be heard when the wind blows in from Mantica.  Denver 17 Oakland 3.

 

Red’s NFL 2018 Picks – Week 14

Red just can’t seem to get much traction – which he knows is not a big selling point as an introduction to a column that is supposed to be about picking winners.  Anyhow, Red was 3-3 again last week bringing the season total to an underwhelming 29-34.  At least your old buddy Red is honest about his powers of prognostication.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week –  Bears over Rams.  Well Timmy, it’s time to go out on the limb and call another longshot.  It works about 10% of the time, but you gotta have some fun in this game or go crazy.  The Bears defense is more than capable of slowing down the Ramrod attack.  Can the offense score just enough.  Red calls it.   Chicago 25 Los Angeles 23.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Seahawks over Vikings.  Vikings were waxed by the Patriots when they had a chance to prove that they could have been somebody, a contender instead of bums which is what they are.  Seahawks are stumbling to a playoff spot in the crowded NFC wildcard race.  This is one more staggering step to a wildcard berth and a first round exit.  Seattle 24 Minnesota 17.

Your Texas Game of the Week  – Texans over Colts.  Texans likely wrap up another AFC South Crown with a win this week.  In September. the idea of this team winning 10 in a row was farcical.  Has Bill O the Clown become Bill the Genius?  Only the playoffs will tell.  Meanwhile, Colts are coming off getting skunked by the hapless Jags.  The will score points but not enough points.  This one might actually be entertaining.  Houston 34 Indianapolis 31.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Chargers over Bengals.  Chargers win on the road.  Chargers win at home – also on the road.  Chargers win.  Bengals are lost without Red Rifle and cannot overcome double time zone/reverse climate shift hex this week.  Los Angeles 45 Cincinnati 7.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Cowboys.  Cowboys have surprised the Hell out of Red in holding the mighty Saints to 10 points last week.  That likely was the high point for a Dallas defense that relies way too heavily on having linebackers make incredible plays.  Meanwhile in Philadelphia it looked for a while like Nick Foles might get another chance.  But Mr. Wentz has taken charge – more or less – and a win on Sunday puts them in the driver’s seat in the sad sack NFC East.  Unfortunately that bus looks like it is headed over a cliff.  At the beginning of the season, the winner of this division looked primed to make a playoff run.  Not so much anymore.  Philadelphia 21 Arlington, TX 13.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Bills over Jets.  This week’s stinkathon features two teams that have combined for 17 losses.  Note:  the Lions and Cardinals have also combined for 17 L’s but Red is tired of beating up on the Cards who actually beat up on the Packers last week and messed up Red’s chances at a winning week.  This smellarama will be a titanic clash of two of the worst offenses currently known to man.  The Bills have been especially atrocious in averaging under 15 points per game.  But the Cards have a more balanced awfulness to them as both their offense and defense reek while the Bills’ defense is actually playing reasonably well.  If attending in person, please wear your approved gas mask lest ye choke on the acrid fumes emanating from this exemplar of an an awful anal attraction.  Orchard Park, NY 10 New Jersey 3.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 13

Well old Uncle Red was out of pocket last week and had to skip Week 12 of the NFL season.  For Week 11, Red was 2-4 bringing his season total to an underwhelming 26-31.  Mama told me there would be seasons like these. Week 13 for sure.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Vikings over Patriots.  In the 13th ever game between these two franchises from the 1960s, the Vikings can post their first win since September of 2000.  And while Red has shoes older than that (two pairs of Cowboy boots actually), many of the citizens of our fair land have never seen the Purple Hoard beat down the New Millennial Franchise of Excellence.  Yes, Red has been down this road of picking against the Pats before and is usually the sorrier for it.  But he called the Titans win a few weeks back and just has a feeling about this one.  It’s that stingy 93 rushing yards per game that the Vikings defense has been giving up.  And face it, while most credit Brady and the passing game for the offensive success of the Pats, it has been Bellicheat’s ability to create running room for a rotating cast of otherwise mediocre running backs that makes his offense go.  If the Vikes shut down the run, they have a chance to get another leg up on the first NFC Wildcard spot.  Maybe a small chance.  Minnesota 23 New England 21. 

Your National TV Game of the Week – Saints over Cowboys.  If the Cowboys can beat the Saints, Red will eat his Stetson Cattleman which he bought on impulse and has rarely worn – so at least it will be fresh.  The Saints are the best team in the NFL right now.  It would be a huge upset for the Boys to win this one even with dashing phenom Amari Cooper.  Look for the Saints to manhandle Cooper with double teams and dare the Cowboys to beat them with Dak and Zeke and the rest of the gang.  The Saints are averaging 16 points more per game than the Cowboys.  Red just doesn’t see the Boys being able to keep up with the Black and Gold through four quarters.   New Orleans 39 Arlington 21. 

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Browns.  Well if ever a team was primed for a letdown against a mediocre opponent, it would be the Texans coming in on an 8 game win streak and a victory over a Titans team that seemed to be righting the ship.  But then again these are the Browns – and even the recently resurgent Browns are unlikely to pull off an upset on the road against a team playing reasonably well.  The Texans real weakness has been in scoring with a measly 4 rushing touchdowns this season.  They cannot keep up with any high scoring offenses and fortunately have not played any of those (except perhaps the Patriots in Week 1).  The Browns should have about a 6-4 record but for repeated “screwings” at the hands of the refs.  So they are not to be taken lightly.  This one will be close and perhaps ugly.  Texans’ fans will take ugly any day since they have been fed a steady diet of same for going on 17 years now.  Houston 19 Cleveland 13.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Redskins.  If Red is right about the Cowboys, this will make for a giant scramble in the NFC East down the stretch with three teams at 6-6 with four games to play (Note: Pete Rozelle is laughing from high above).  So while that would not be a disappointing result for purely comic reasons – this is your DGOTW because everything about the NFC East is disappointing this season.  Mediocrity reigns supreme.  Philadelphia 32 Landover, MD 25.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Stealers.  Whoever wins this one closes in on a playoff spot.  So – big game for both teams who have been playing well – although Red wonders how the Stealers managed to lose to the Broncos last week (oh yeah, four turnovers including a fumble out the back of the end zone on what should have been a scoring play will do it).  Chargers are able to overcome the triple time zone hex coming in off the bye week – unless the temperature is below freezing with blowing snow.  Right now the prognosticators are calling for temperatures in the 40’s with light rain.  Lovely but not enough to slow down a powerhouse Charger team that has played all of its games on the road (more or less) this season.  Los Angeles 42 Pittsburgh 29.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Packers over Cardinals.  One might speculate that the Packers will eventually win another game.  One might also have bought GE Stock earlier this year.  Their middle of the Pack (okay – pun intended) ratings on offense and defense should have them positioned for at least a decent shot at a playoff berth with 5 games to play.  But having managed to lose some winnable games – now they are chasing the 6-5 OTNAs, Cowboys, Panthers and Seahawks and the technically in first for a NFC Wildcard spot Vikings at 6-4-1.   In sports lingo that is known as a “veritable shitload of teams” to go through.  Meanwhile in the desert southwest, the Cardinals are going through a nightmare of a season having basically been run out of the stadium by most of their opponents – topped off with a loss to the Raiders – the NFL equivalent of having your alcoholic uncle turn down your present of a bottle of hootch.  The 15 combined losses of these two venerable franchises lands them squarely in this week’s SB.  As far as Red can remember, this will be A. Rodgers first ever SB appearance.  That alone might make it palatable enough so that you need not put away all the rat poison lest ye be tempted to add a heaping tablespoon to your Margarita mix while watching this terrible turd tussle.  Green Bay 21 Arizona 13.

Texans Owner Bob McNair Crosses the Final Goal Line

Billionaire owner of the Houston Texans, Bob McNair, passed away last week.  Despite his overall disappointment with the completely mediocre franchise McNair built, Red will say nothing bad about McNair.  McNair was perhaps loyal to a fault hanging on to coaches, general managers and some players longer than prudent.  But that is not a real criticism except in the modern “What have you done for me lately” world of pro sports and other endeavors.

Red will say that there were two games he attended, which if Red had been the owner he would have gone down to the locker room at halftime and fired the head coach.

The first game was the home opener in 2005 against the Pittsburgh Stealers.  The Texans were down 20-0 at the half against a team led by the young wunderkind Ben Rothlessberger throwing two TDs to the underappreciated Hines Ward.  That was bad enough, but Red had never seen a supposedly decent team look so unprepared and overmatched and completely out of it from the beginning.  The second half was not much better and the Texans quietly surrendered 27-7 on their way to a 2-14 season.  Dom “the Dud” Capers would have been a goner under a Red regime.  As it turns out, that would have just saved Bob some trouble as Capers was fired at the end of the season.

The second game was the season opener against the New York Jets in 2009.  It wasn’t quite as bad at halftime as the Texans only trailed 17-0.  But the Jets were led by a rookie quarterback in Mark Sanchez playing in his first game and tearing the home team a new one.  Head Coach Gary Kubiak would have been on the street by 2 p.m. if Red was in charge.  The Texans would rally to a 5-3 record at mid-season only to lose four in a row and stumble to their first winning season ever at 9-7 (courtesy of a Patriots team that sat Brady for most of the last game of the season with nothing to play for).

Alas, Red will never own a professional sports franchise and incompetent head coaches everywhere are the safer for it.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 11

Well Red was 3-3 for the week and running in place at 24-27 for the week.  Red will not bet against the Saints again.  He did call the Titans upset over the Patriots – so take that.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chiefs over Rams.  Well sometimes it just speaks for itself.  This one needs no hype.  Two 9-1 teams (with both losses having come against stiff competition) roll into Estadio Azteca on del noche del proximo Lunes for this mid-season AFC/NFC marquee showdown.  The winner gets bragging rights and an inside track to a top playoff seed (the Rams need some help in that regard).  Red isn’t sure when there last was an AFC/NFC matchup of this caliber this late in the season.  These are the two top scoring offenses in the league and unless the turf in Mexico City is just awful, the Mexican faithful can expect a fireworks show extraordinaire.  Yes, Red knows that sometimes this turns into a tight defensive struggle, but he just can’t see it here with all the weapons that Mahomes and Goff have at their disposal guiding by two coaches who do not believe in holding their fire.  This could last a while so load up on the guacamole and nachos and enjoy the fiesta.  Red sticks with his Superb Owl favorite in this one.  Kansas City 48 Los Angeles 40.  Update:  Game moved to LA – Red sticks with his original call.

Your National TV Game of the Week –  Bears over Vikings.  Sunday night is overshadowed by the explosive Monday night game between the Chiefs and Rams.  Still this is a good matchup between two teams fighting for the NFC North lead going into the home stretch.  Although Red doesn’t see either of these teams factoring two much into the playoffs, this is still a big game that could decide this division.  Definitely worth watching and please God – let there be snow on Sunday night in the Windy City.  Red is ready for an old fashioned blizzard game.  Alas, there is a chance for light snow on Saturday.  Chicago 17 Minnesota 14.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Packers over Seahawks.  The 4-5 Seahawks seem to be appearing in a lot of Your DGOTW’s this season – and rightfully so.  The only question Red has is – why no one seems to talk about a “hot seat” for Pete the Cheat.  Maybe if he loses this one, the old rocking chair will be at least tepid.  Meanwhile, the Packers at 4-4-1 are the very picture of disappointment.  Ennui reigns this week as the winner keeps slim playoff hopes alive while the loser looks into the abyss of six more meaningless weeks of pain.  Green Bay 24 Seattle 17.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over OTNAs.  Even if Red believed in Alex Smith, Adrian Peterson and the rest of the OTNA crew, he could never pick them to win this game or almost any game that wasn’t against the Cowboys.  Yes the OTNAs are one of the biggest surprises of the year coming into this game at 6-3 leading the NFC East.  But keep in mind that the OTNAs have scored exactly 176 points this season (that’s less than half of what the Chiefs have totaled) and given up 175.  Talk about your smoke and mirrors!   And what is truly amazing is that the OTNAs have scored fewer points than any team in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (“PEFPFD”) that is the NFC East.  Yes the Giants have scored more points (well one more point) than the OTNA’s.  On the other hand, the Texans have to be the biggest in-season resurrection surprise so far.  From 0-3 to 6-3 is no easy feat even against mediocre competition.  Red thinks the Texans resurgent defense keeps this one close enough for the Texans to eke out a win on the road.  Braves take the wrong warpath and end up in Delaware.  Houston 24 Landover, MD 19.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – on Hiatus – Your Kick Ass Game of the Week – Falcons over Cowboys.  This is the game most likely to turn into the dreaded field goal fest of yore.  Atlanta 18 Arlington 9.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Cardinals over Raiders.  Well folks, it doesn’t get any smellier than this one.  In fact, the fumes from this one are already driving Red to distraction and away from the old keyboard.  Red thinks you will be entirely justified in unloading two shells from your Browning Superposed 20 gauge into the old 54 incher before halftime of this beastly BM battle.  Even the emaciated and staggering ghost of Dead Al Davis can no longer complain at this point.  The Gruden Raiders are a joke.  Just make sure the wife and kids are off at the movies.  Arizona 10 Oakland 0.

Quote for the Day

“There has to be a complete overhaul of the organization.”

Troy Aikman on the Dallas Cowboys (and a not so discreet smack down of Jerry Jones) a team that has won exactly two playoff games in the last 20 years, but equally applicable to the current state of the party formerly known as the GOP.

As Red has mentioned, he is perfectly okay with the Cowboys winning one playoff game every decade and they already have their win for the Teens when they eked out a come from behind win over the Lions in 2014.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 10

The Red train may have finally left the station in Week 9.  Uncle Red was 5-1 for the week bringing the season tally to an almost respectable 21-23 – “almost” being the operative word there.  But for foolishly believing that the Raiders might win another game, Red would have been 6-0.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bengals over Saints.  Red called the Saints big win over the Rams last week.  There is absolutely no reason to believe that the Bengals can beat the Saints.  Red is playing the coming off the bye week team vs. the team with incredibly exciting emotional victory card this week.  Bengals have the offense firepower to hang with the Saints (on a good day).  The real question is can the Bengals hold the Saints to less than 30 points.  Red is stretching here – but you gotta call a few upsets to have any fun at this game.  Cincinnati 29 New Orleans 28.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Eagles over Cowboys.  When the Cowboys score 20 or more points they win.  Unfortunately for the Cowboy faithful, that just doesn’t happen very much and not against decent teams (the Jaguars were thought to be decent at the time but shit happens).   If the Eagles cannot score at least 28 points they do not deserve to win, but scoring 20 probably wins this one anyway.  The arrival of Amari Cooper cannot possibly hurt and the Dakster must be relieved to have an actual wide receiver on the team.  But even the talented Cooper cannot invigorate the anemic an inept passing scheme of soon to be Ex-Head Coach Jason Garrett (you heard it first here – and everywhere else anyone comments about the NFL).   A loss this week, may force JJ to act now before the season slips further away.  Adios Jason.  Philadelphia 42 Arlington 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week –   Stealers over Panthers.  Wow! A Thursday night game that doesn’t suck – will wonders never cease.   This is a matchup between two teams with legitimate playoff aspirations who are both 4-1 over the last five games.  How did that happen? The scheduling geniuses at NFL headquarters can’t always get it right. So after spending a late night on Tuesday wondering if the wave is going to be red, blue or purple – prepare for another late night of actual entertaining professional football.  Stealers have to shut down Panthers’ powerhouse running game to win this one and exploit a mediocre pass defense to win this one.  They do just enough of that on Thursday to eke out win.  Pittsburgh 27 Carolina 25.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Rams over Seahawks.  Red admits that it’s a bit hard to call this one disappointing – unless you are a Seahawks’ fan and then your disappointment cup runneth over.  Last season the Rams were up and coming and in the second game of the division rivals the Seahawks still had a chance at the playoffs but were effectively eliminated with a 42-7 ass-whomping that still hurts.  This season the first matchup was a close Rams victory signaling that the Rams have arrived to take their place among the league’s elite  – while the Seahawks are stuck in neutral and looking for a Wildcard shot at best to eke into the playoffs.  So what once looked like a decent rivalry has quickly changed into Rams dominance in a division that the Seahawks more or less owned for the best part of the Teens.  The Rams do need to shake off the tough loss in New Orleans on Sunday and get back to business of winning a first round bye.  Los Angeles 37 Seattle 17.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – 49ers over Giants.  This game pulls double duty as an especially stinky Shit Bowl and this week’s Time Zone Hex Game of the Week.  Giants travel three time zones west to drop a giant turd on the West Coast.  Other than the now seemingly inexplicable win over the Texans, the Giants have found a way to lose blow outs and close games with aplomb and seem likely headed for 1-15 record unless they can beat the Cowboys in the season finale.  Red predicts that if the Cowboys need that game to make the playoffs (which seems unlikely at best right now), the Giants will find a way to win.  Meanwhile, the Niners ship seems to have at least stopped taking on water and may have found a credible replacement QB in Nick Mullins after C.J. Beathard got beat hard.  Yes, there are the two unseemly losses to the Cardinals, but have lost to the Chiefs, Chargers, Packers and Rams is not completely embarrassing.  The Niners may be the turnaround team of the second half (like the Chargers last season).  So you may not need to secure all of the various weapons in the house before sitting down to this excruciating excrement exhibition because the Niners may be worth watching for the next 8 weeks.  Santa Clara 35 New Jersey 10.

Your Bonus – Upset Game of the Week – Titans over Patriots.  A guy can dream can’t he?  Actually, every season one team with absolutely no business winning a game somehow manages to more or less stomp their betters into the ground.  Now this almost never happens to the Pats, but look at it this way – they are overdue.  The Titans completely pathetic offensive attack catches the Pats by surprise this week. Red can already feel the wave of shame and regret that comes with this pick.   Tennessee 34 New England 21. 

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 7

As they round the far turn, Red was 2-4 for the week, 10 lengths off the pace, and now in a 12-18 hole for the season.  This week 6-0 for sure!  Red never says “die”  – an expression which has never made much sense to him anyway.

Notes from last week: 

At the end of the Chiefs-Patriots game, the Chiefs players were walking off the field looking like – “Yep, we can play with these guys!” The Pats were looking like “Thank god we survived that onslaught!”   Red originally predicted a Stealer/Chiefs AFC Championship game – but it is looking more and more like the Pats will be there.

The Cowboys offense just had their one good game of the season.  Meanwhile, the Jaguars have to be wondering what happened to their defense after getting smoked two weeks in a row.

The Texans were lucky to survive yet again and would be leading the AFC South but for an inexplicable loss to the sad sack Giants.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bears over Patriots.  Given the massive turnover in rosters within 2-3 years for your average NFL team, Red puts no stock in ancient football history.  But even so the Bears have not beaten the Patriots in forever.  Actually, the Bears did win in 2000 in the pre-Brady era (it seems so long ago now) but since whipping the Pats in Superb Owl XX, the Bears are 1-7 against the Pats.  And despite misgivings, Red simply thinks the Bears are due.  They certainly are smarting after getting beat by the Dolphins and much-maligned QB Brock Osweiler.  The venom on Houston Sports Talk Radio regarding said BO two seasons later is still somewhat disconcerting – after all the guy did steer the team to one of your glorious franchise’s three ever playoff wins.  But Red digresses.  Despite last week, the Bears have a good defense and look for Khalil Mack and gang to be putting serious pressure on the timeless wonder.  The Bears score just enough points to win a close one.  Chicago 20 New England 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Bengals.  This could be the GOTWGOTW but Red is a little tired of hyping the Andy Reid Hour starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce.  It’s the hit series of the Fall so far.  And the Chiefs get another Sunday night slot to show the NFL exactly how explosive this offense really is.  Bengals are still the big surprise of the season so far – notwithstanding the inexplicable breakdown against the Stealers last week.  No breakdowns needed this week.  Mahomes is back on again because if he isn’t throwing four TDs a game it’s an off week.  Red Rifle and crew make a valiant effort to keep up against a Chiefs defense that has yet to learn the valuable art of tackling.  Kansas City 45 Cincinnati 39.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Jaguars over Texans.  Texans have done yeomanlike work in getting back to 3-3 after a pathetic start.  But yeomanlike probably doesn’t get it against a Jaguars defense that is either confused and lost or angry and looking to get even.  Red is betting on the latter this week and woe be to Deshaun Watson if Red is right.  He will not last the season at the rate Bill O’ Clown is using up his nine lives.  If Red were running the show, he would write this one off and sacrifice Brandon Weeden to the lions (or their close cousins) this week.  The Texans have seven winnable games on the schedule after this one before closing with tough matchups against the Eagles and Jags again.  That could put you at 9-7 which might win the division or 10-6 which almost certainly will.  Think about it Billy.  The Texans might even be able to win with Weeden if Blake Bortles is not having one of his five weeks of the season where he actually resembles a real NFL quarterback.  Red just hopes that Watson makes it through in one piece.  Jacksonville 24 Houston 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Ravens over Saints.  The irresistible force meets the unmovable object here.  That’s a problem Red could never solve and does not make for exciting football.  Ravens defense wins the day. It’s close but not exciting.  Baltimore 17 New Orleans 16.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Titans.  Some think that the Chargers have the nads to compete with the Chiefs and win the AFC West.  Some still believe in Santa Claus.  Don’t get Red wrong, the Chargers are good – especially for a team with no home field advantage and 37 fans on a good Sunday.  It’s just kind of sad that great careers like those of Phillip Rivers and LaDanian Tomlinson went to the Chargers to die.  But this week the possibility of glory is still alive because just right now the Titans are pathetic.  Marcus M. was sacked 11 times last week – Yep, 11 times!  All this while completing a mere 10 passes.  So while the Chargers really don’t need a triple time zone reverse hillbilly factor hex this week over a sadly inept Titans’ offense, it sure won’t hurt.  This will be a good old fashioned butt-whipping.  Los Angeles 42 Tennessee 10.

This Week’s Shit Bowl –    There is a plethora of choices this week’s excruciating excrement exhibition.  Just to let you in on a little of the Inside Baseball that goes on here at ParadiseinHell.net, the Shit Bowl is typically awarded to the teams with the most combined losses – unless of course there is a team of historic ineptitude (typically in past years the Browns) playing a team with a decent record.  So if the 0-15 Browns are playing a 10-5 Ravens team, the 20 losses might not qualify the game for the Shit Bowl if there are two “going-nowhere in a hurry” 6-9 teams butting heads.  This early in the season that is not usually a problem.  But this week we have three matchups between teams with a combined 9 losses.  Bills/Colts, Broncos/Cardinals and Giants/Falcons.  A veritable brown feast of ineptitude.  So just for you Red is calling all three.  Bills should have won last week and do so this week against a horrible Colts outfit.  Broncos are bad but good enough to beat a team so bad that even Sam Bradford can’t hold down a job.  And while the Falcons seemed to have joined the Flat Earth Society and fallen off the edge, they should be able to beat a Giants franchise clinging to its last shreds of dignity.  But please, please put away all the painkillers before you sit down to watch this parade of football futility lest ye be tempted to put an end to it all before halftime.  Bills 24 Colts 19. Broncos 9 Cardinals 6 and Falcons 42 Giants 21. 

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 5

Well, Week 4 was purtnear a total disaster for old Cousin Red.  He went 1-5 with only his undying faith in the Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes being rewarded.  Colts’ offensive coordinator Frank Reich handing the game to the Texans in OT didn’t help either.  Nor did the Cowboys offense actually coming to life – sort of.  Or the Patriots remembering that they were the Patriots.  Excuses, excuses.  Anyhow, that brings Red down to 6-12 for the season – “Stop digging boys!”

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chiefs over Jaguars.  If the Andy Reid show (starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce and the Sad Sack Defense) can put up 35 points against the vaunted Jaguars defense, then as Keith Jackson used to say – “Katy bar the door!”  The Chiefs may be unstoppable.  They certainly are resilient as they looked all but dead until a crushing fourth quarter rally left the Broncos wondering “What just happened here?”  Chiefs don’t need such heroics this week.  Jags chase PM to no avail and cannot score enough points to keep up despite the Chiefs defensive inepitutude.  Chiefs 35 Jacksonville 25.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Cowboys.  Red doesn’t really have much choice this week here.  Does he pick the underperforming Texans or the hated Cowboys?  Texans also rallied against the sad sack Colts to eke out a gifted victory in OT on the road.  That cannot hurt, but it may not help much either.  Bill O’ the Clown is doing his best Jeff Fischer impersonation this season in taking what should be a relatively talented team and turning them into a loosing snoozefest.  Meanwhile the Cowboys broke out of a scoring slump – aided by the Lions’ ineptitude (something that can never be overrated).  Still the Boys are averaging a near league worst 16.8 points per game.  But given the Texans complete inability to stop the run or the pass (unless there is a sack and please dear God, let there be sacks), Red expects the Cowboys to score a bit more than average this week.  Will it be good enough?  Red would ramble on a bit more, but it’s time to piss on the proverbial fire and call this one. Houston 21 Arlington 19. 

Your National TV Game of the Week – Eagles over Vikings.  Eagles are a major disappointment so far but with Ajayi back in the fold and Carson Wentz getting warmed up, the Eagles offense should be following the lead of Guitar Steve Miller (that would be “Fly Like an Eagle” for those of you born after 1980 – and if you are bored go to one of those websites where people tell you how they misunderstood lyrics and put in Fly Like and Eagle – then sit back and guffaw – “Shoot the children with no shoes on their feet.”)  Okay, this is supposed to be about football.   Vikings defense is moving to the top of the heap and Red swears the Vikings have a quarterback – he just can’t remember who or why he should care.  Philadelphia 28 Minnesota 27.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Bengals over Dolphins.  When two 3-1 teams matchup at this point of the season you would expect to be watching the cream of the crop or at least some decent milkfat.  Red isn’t a believer in either of these teams.  He believed briefly in the Dolphins last week and see what that got him!  But if you were inclined to believe in one of these squads, it would probably have to be the Bengals led by the resurgent Red Rifle and a possibly recharged (at least no longer limping) Joe Mixon.  Cincinnati 19 Miami 5.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Jets over Broncos.  Broncos are hexed this week.  Other than that, Red really doesn’t care and neither should you.  New Jersey 24 Denver 21.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – 49ers over Cardinals. Speaking of not caring, this week’s Shit Bowl is particularly odiferous featuring two teams that have managed to eke out one win between them.  It’s a bit harder to fault the Niners having bet wildly and come up snake eyes so far on J. Garapolo.  Now they will be led by C.J. Beathard – a name which Red could have a lot of fun with if it weren’t time to get back to work.  The Cardinals made an even worse bet on Sam Bradford and have now turned to Josh Rosen.  Even still the Cards are putting up a league worst 9.2 points per game which almost impossible to fathom in the modern NFL.  What is really impossible to fathom is that anyone other than diehard fans or gambling addicts will be watching this game.  If you fall into one of those categories, please remember to glue the remote to the armrest of the LaZ-boy lest ye be tempted to gag yourself with it during the third quarter of this turgid turd tussle.   Santa Clara 28 Arizona 10.

Red’s NFL Predictions 2018 – Week 4

Well, Uncle Red improved slightly this week to 3-3.  Red is now 5-7 for the season having sat out the first week due to injury.  Red’s biggest bust so far is having predicted the Texans to go 10-6 and win the AFC South – a pick that looks sadly laughable now.  The biggest surprise is the Dolphins leading the AFC East with a 3-0 record.  So let’s start there.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Dolphins over Patriots.  This is the GOTW simply because it could herald the end of (or at least a hiatus from) the Patriots era of excellence in the NFL.  If the Pats go 1-3 with the lone win coming against the lowly and loathsome Texans, they will be 3 full games behind the 4-0 Dolphins and looking at possible losses to the Chiefs, Bears, Packers, Stealers and maybe the Dolphins again.  8-8 is not out of the question if the Pats collapse again on Sunday.  However, Red never discounts the ability of Bellicheat to resurrect his team and win 11-12 games year in/year out.  As for the Dolphins, Red doesn’t think anyone imagined that the Ryan Tannehill/Danny Amendola connection would be much of a factor or that tired old Frank Gore would still be productive.  Dolphins need to take advantage and kick the Pats in the Nads before they get up again.  Miami 28 New England 24.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Broncos.  It’s kind of slim pickings on the National TV front this week – but the Chiefs appear to be always worth watching and the Broncos don’t suck yet (stay tuned for updates on that one).  The only question for the Chiefs may be – Will they score less than 35 points in any game this season?  Red guesses that might happen maybe twice and possibly only after the Chiefs have secured a first round bye and home field advantage.  Patrick Mahomes looks unstoppable and has a full array of pretty cool weapons at his disposal.  Okay, Red will stop counting chickens now.   Broncos are doing it with productive tandem of Lindsay and Freeman in the backfield and the dynamic duo of Thomas and Sanders at wideout.  That’s enough talent around Case Keenum to win some games.  Just not this week.  Kansas City 42 Denver 30. 

Your Texas Game of the Week – Lions over Cowboys.  Red thinks the Lions can meet the exacting standards of  the “Red Rule” this week –  which is – score 15 points and beat the Cowboys.   The Boys’ utter offensive ineptitude is really quite spectacular at this point.  If the Cowboys hit 1-5, Red thinks that Jerry Jones will jettison Jason and jump to Jimmy Johnson (just joking).  Matt Stafford has a happy homecoming.  Detroit 24 Arlington 14.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Titans.  Red blew this one last week as the Saints/Falcons game was a total barnburner.  If that happens with the Eagles and Titans this week, Red will eat his mouse.  Even so, it’s hard to call a game disappointing when it features two teams who have yet to put up more than 21 points in a game all season.  Both teams are coming off real snoozers with the Eagles having to rally to beat the crumbling Colts and the Titans being totally pumped up from the 9-6 field goal fest whipping of the Jaguars (who were obviously hungover after stomping the Pats).  Look for a low scoring boring struggle in the middle of the field.  That is unless Carson Wentz is really back.  Philadelphia 13 Tennessee 9.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Browns over Raiders.  So far this season, the time zone hex is working in reverse.  This week the Browns overcome the triple reverse time zone hex to win back to back games for the first time since the Reagan administration.  Actually in 2014, the Browns won three in a row  over the Raiders, Buccaneers and Bengals in Weeks 7, 8 and 9 and were 6-3 and eyeing the post-season before collapsing on their way to a 7-9 record.  Is Baker Mayfield the one to break the Browns curse of first round quarterbacks wasted?  Maybe.  Meanwhile on the west coast, Jolly Jon Gruden continues to tear apart the Raiders to remake them in his own image.  Too bad he is using a photo from the 80’s.  Cleveland 24 Oakland 17.  

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Colts over Texans.  If another pathetic and lost season is what it takes to get rid of Bill O’ the Clown, then so be it.  And it will be a cold day on S. Main before Red picks the Texans to win again.  On two occasions, once against the Stealers in the home opener of the 2005 season and again against the Jets in the opener of the 2009 season, Red endured the misery of a completely incompetent first half and at half time remarked to his friend the “Big Dog” (who was also in attendance) that if Red were Bob McNair he would have left the owner’s box at halftime, gone down to the locker room and summarily fired the head coach (Dom Capers and later Gary Kubiak).  He might have made the same remark if he had been in attendance on Sunday.  The only good thing Red has to say about the Colts is that they are not the Texans.  Have your significant other strap you to the LazyBoy if you dare watch this cruddy crap contest because otherwise ye might be tempted to run screaming to the nearest alligator infested body of water and dive in feet first.  Indianapolis 13 Houston 9.