Category Archives: Jade Helm Update

Jade Helm 15 Update

Red was really starting to think this whole Jade Helm 15 thing was a bunch of hooey, when lo and behold Red heard that Lionel Messi and Argentina was going to be in Houston for a match against Bolivia on Friday.  That got Red to thinking about why two South American teams would come all the way to Houston to play a so-called “friendly” against each other when there are umpteen places either in Argentina, Bolivia or somewhere in between that could host this match.  So Red is naturally suspicious that this is a big scheme by Obama (socialist, Kenyan, Muslim terrorist sympathizer that he is) to encourage more illegal immigration – who else watches soccer anyway? – and further erode the Tea Party’s chances of putting their man in the White House before it’s too late and they all die off.  So when all the illegals take a moment off from committing criminal acts and taking handlouts from the feds while watching the nefarious socialist sport of soccer, the jack-booted thugs will be getting busy rounding up our women, children and most importantly guns.  It’ll be easy for them to spot the true patriots because they will be the only ones not mesmerized by Messi’s magical moves con la pelota.  So take Red’s advice, suffer through 2 hours of futbol (as they call it).  It will be worth figuring out exactly what is “offsides” in order to keep the JBT’s away from your WCAMIG’s.  Sacrifices must be made lads.

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm 15 Update, Cont.

Red would have like to have been hot on the trail of the jack-booted thugs of Jade Helm 15 who are, as we speak, plotting to take away our women, children and most importantly guns this week, but the torrential rains have required Red to stay a bit closer to home, and since not a single dang JBT has been spotted in Red’s sedated subdivision or prowling suspiciously near the local Stop & Rob, Red is convinced that a road trip to parts further west may be the ticket to finally unraveling the mystery of why not one darn WCAMIG has yet turned up missing such that it would be traceable back to the JBT’s and their nefarious plans to occupy Texas and make it subject to the U.S. government which already more or less controls it anyway.  Take that Joseph Conrad.   So if not otherwise occupied cleaning up storm debris at Casa Red, the Redmobile will be in action and cruising some of the more lonely highways in our glorious state in search of the seemingly non-existent evidence of Obama’s plan to subject Texas to its nominally lawful sovereign and get his kicks by rounding up Mrs. Red and taking away Red’s prized possessions the Brown Bomber (Browning 7mm mag) and Ol’ Alley Clearer (Beretta 12 gauge over and under).   Chances are that while the JBT’s are coming in the front door to sweep up Mrs. Red (heaven help ’em if they show up during Project Runway), Red will be storming out the back with his PP’s and J. Edgar (Red’s Belgian Shepherd) in tow for parts unknown.  Until that dreadful day, Red will be keeping you up to speed.

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm 15 Update, Cont.

Red has plumb lost track of how many days we are now into the massive Jade Helm 15 conspiracy in which the jack-booted thugs of the federal government are coming to Texas to take away our women, children and most importantly guns.  As far as Red can see, the Feds have yet to take away a single one of the aforementioned WCAMIG’s.  But this is how the war is won.  First, you get your opponent all riled up and in such a froth that they can’t hardly think straight.  Check.  Second, you give a plausible explanation for your actions that soothes the weak-minded.  Check.  Third, you roll out the troops in the most non-confrontational manner possible.  Check.  Fourth, you lull the rest of the populace to sleep by seemingly doing nothing to take away their WCAMIG’s.  Check.  Fifth, you keep doing that. Check.  Sixth, you swoop in and lickety-split grab the WCAMIG’s while the vigilant ones have fallen asleep on the couch during a baseball game after 6 beers and 2 plates of nachos.

Don’t let it happen to you!

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm 15 Update, Cont.

Red was batching it this weekend and went looking for evidence of the imminent takeover of Texas by the United States – the country which more or less legally controls it already.  A few hours cruising in the Redmobile failed to discover anything remotely suspicious.  They must run and hide when they see Red coming.   Even the buzz on the internet is barely audible at this point.  The only real development was the arrest of 3 North Carolina men who are accused of trying to lure Army troops into a booby trapped camp in South Carolina.  Stars and Stripes has the story.   Hey, you buy a few illegal weapons, make some pipe bombs, exploding tennis balls and coffee can anti-personnel devices, then plan to draw in government forces and massacre them and the next thing you know the feds are all over your case.  What’s happened to freedom in this country?   So bury your guns now.  Don’t worry about encasing them in anything, just get ’em in the ground quick because the jack-booted thugs of the Federal government are coming to take away your women, children and most importantly guns.  Since there might be some issues with burying the women and children, Red recommends that you just put them in the cellar.  And if you don’t have a cellar, send ’em off to Grandma’s house.  That way you might get in a round of golf before Obama sneaks in and takes away your new set of Callaways too.

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm 15 Update, Cont.

Well Red was down in Old Mexico (as Red, Sr. used to call it) this week.  Flying in a  Bombadier (why on God’s green earth are US airlines flying French planes much less one with the word “Bomb” in it is beyond Red), Red was unable to discern any notable change in regions of South Texas (one of the last bastions of the Lone Star Democrats) from 30,000 feet.  So apparently not only are the jack-booted thugs of the Feds reasonably sneaky, they are good at camouflage (a word Red always thought sounded suspiciously French) as well.   And while in Mexico, Red failed to see any hordes of illegal (or soon to be illegal) immigrants rushing to the Rio Grande.  In fact, everyone looked pretty damn occupied going about their business – which of course only made Red more suspicious.  But the illegals (thinking back to Red, Sr. again, Red wonders exactly what he would now call them since other terms have disappeared from the common parlance) are probably getting some training from the aforementioned JBT’s who may be using them to divert our attention away from the bigger issues of Obama coming in to round up our women, children and most importantly guns under the guise of a “Training Exercise.”  Anyhow, Red will stay closer to home this weekend and keep his ear to the ground while reaching for the stars (thank you Casey Kasem).

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm 15 Update, Cont.

As we enter the 12th day of Jade Helm 15 it has been a deadly dozen days.  Deadly quiet that is. But that aint fooling us Texans.  And it must be noted that Pres. Obama has been in the ancestral homeland and unable to personally direct the round up of our women, children and most importantly guns.

Meanwhile, the Daily Texan reports  that a June 25 poll conducted by the Texas Politics Project from UT and The Texas Tribune revealed that nearly 44 percent of Texans believed the federal government would likely send troops to impose martial law, and 43 percent believed the federal government would likely confiscate their firearms. Red believes that 43.5% of Texans can’t be wrong about anything. If you’re over 50% then things are different – witness repeatedly electing Rick Perry as governor – but in the 40’s you are on solid ground.  So despite all visible signs that there is absolutely nothing going on, it is just a matter of time before the jack-booted storm troopers descend like a swarm of angry wasps thinking they’re gonna open a fresh can of ass whip on your town.  So stay alert and report back to Red.

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm Update, Cont.

Red and Mrs. Red were watching an X-Files rerun last night which got Red to thinking about how much the Feds are hiding from us.  That dang Muldar and Scully could never quite get the goods on the massive cover-ups of the alien invasion and other well-documented bizarre phenomena.  So what chance do the rest of us have?  And while there have been some photos of JH15 operations out there, Red hasn’t heard one single credible report of the jack-booted thugs of the Obamaocracy coming to take away or women, children and most importantly guns.  Of course, this is all very disappointing.  But rest assured it only means that the sneak attack on our way of life will be even more – well, sneaky.  If you have any reports of abductions by the JH15 commies, please let Red know so that he can tell the world all about it.

Vigilantly yours,

Red

Jade Helm 15 Update, Cont.

The second day of Jade Helm 15 has ended and alas, the jack-booted, goose-stepping thugs employed by Obama (Kenyan, Muslim, Commie blah, blah, blah) have yet to begin the inevitable round up of our wives, children and most importantly guns.  This sneaky and underhanded diversionary tactic of making JH15 look like a real military exercise cannot fool the public for much longer.  The black helicopters are arriving any minute now and if they don’t its only because the brave and loyal citizens of Texas (most of whom want to secede from the Union) have exposed JH15 for the ruse that it is.  Red for one will be very disappointed if Mrs. Red isn’t taken away soon since she wasn’t too happy about Red wandering in after 2 am the other night smelling of golf and tequila shots.  And if J. Edgar (Red’s Belgian Shepherd) doesn’t stop digging holes in the backyard, it won’t be too hard for Obama’s goons to figure out where Red buried his cache of vintage WWII hand grenades.

Vigilantly yours,

Red