Tag Archives: Chris Christie

Dietary Advice from Chris Christie?

Chris Christie has come down on the side of the fifth graders on the critical issue of school lunches.  At a recent event, Jacob Royal, an Omaha fifth-grader and aspiring politician asked the New Jersey Governor, “What are you going to do about the lunches? They were fine when Mrs. Bush was the first lady, but now that Mrs. Obama is the first lady, they have gone down.”

Christie’s reply, “I don’t care what you’re eating for lunch every day. I really don’t.  If I’m president, back to whatever you want to eat.”

Bring on the hot dogs, French fries and soda – and throw in a couple of donuts for good measure.

Somewhere Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller is smiling.

 

 

GOP Debate – Round ?

Last night’s GOP debate in Las Vegas focused largely on issues of national security – not a surprise with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer at the helm.

Red’s favorite topic was when WB asked the estimable candidates about enforcing a No-Fly Zone in Syria and whether they would order a Russian plane shot down.  As always, Red translates the responses for you.

Chris Christie –  Hell yes, I would shoot down a Russian plane. I call Putin and tell him, “No flying, fuckhead.” And then when he ignores that we shoot.  And unlike the other weenies on this stage, I would insist on shooting down the planes myself – you know because I was a tough ass New Jersey prosecutor.  How does that work?   Every time a Russian jet entered the NFZ, I would be on the line immediately, targeting that sucker, remotely pushing the button to launch the missile and then celebrating afterwards with a double-meat bacon cheeseburger.  Fuck Yeah!

Rand Paul – If you want World War III, here’s your candidate. [Pointing to Christie]  If you are not absolutely bat shit crazy – like most of the respected candidates on this stage – and would prefer a big wussy in the White House, look no further.  I am the biggest wussy on this stage and proud of it.

Jeb!!!!????$ –  I have called for the NFZ and I would shoot down a plane with my sainted mother in it if it was violating the NFZ. Sorry, Dad.

Donald Trump – I too would shoot down a plane with  Jeb!!!!$$$$?’s mother in it.   But I like Putin bombing the shit out of Syria.  I back it 100%.  I would back it 1000% if that were possible, and believe me percentages well in excess of 100 will be the norm when I am elected president.  100% will be old hat.  No one will be talking about 100% when I am President.  500% will be the absolute minimum.

Ben Carson –  We shoot down Russian planes absolutely.  Then afterwards, I deal with the possibility of nuclear conflagration in my thoughtful, deliberate and respectful way as we descend into chaos and world war.

John Kasich – Why are you asking this question?  Why am I even still here? Is Red spelling my name correctly?

Ted Cruz – After I finish carpet bombing Syria and explaining in excruciating detail why that is not a war crime, there will be no real need for a NFZ.  In fact tourist groups will want to fly over Syria to see the glowing sand.

Carly Fiorina –  I would insist on a NFZ and shoot down anything that flies.  But I would not call Putin first – who by the way I talked with earlier today.  Others on this stage talk about making America great again.  But what is their plan?  I have a plan.  You know what would make this country great again – World War III.  I promise you that we will have WWIII if I am elected president.

Marco Rubio – Thank god we are not talking about immigration.

 

 

Red’s Awards from Last Night’s GOP Debate

While much of the media is focused on who won or lost, Red believes that, much like U6 Soccer, everyone who shows up deserves a participation award.  So in no particular order, Red gives the following awards to the participants in last night’s GOP debate:

Jeb!!!!$$$$?  –  The Why am I Even Here and Not Already Been Proclaimed President Award

Ted Cruz –  The Angriest Man Alive Award

John Kasich – The Hopelessly Rational Human Stuck in a Lunatic Asylum Award

Donald Trump –  The “Fuck You” Money Award

Mike Huckabee – The Just Damn Glad to be Here and Insult Fat People Award

Ben Carson – The Smooth Jazz FM Radio Deejay Award

Chris Christie – The I Can’t Believe I’m Losing to These Guys Award

Carly Fiorina – The Sure I Was an Incompetent CEO but With Enough Lies People Will Forget Award

Marco Rubio – The Vote for Me Because I’m Not Yet Tired and Old Like Bush Award

Rand Paul – The Really, We Almost Forgot You Were There Award

GOP Debate Bingo Card from USA Today.

Outtakes from the GOP Debate

From the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.  Who knew they could fit a 707 into a presidential library?

Jay:  Thanks to Donald Trump for being here tonight and I see there are some other guys on the stage, I’m not really sure who you are – please introduce yourselves.

Rand Paul:  It’s time we had a curly-headed president again.  Look how well Andrew Jackson did.

Marco Rubio:  I could have sworn I shaved before this debate.

Chris Christie:  Does this tie make me look fat?

Carly Fiorina:  How did Nixon’s makeup man sneak into my dressing room?

Ted Cruz:  I am shutting down this debate unless we defund CNN right now!

John Kasich:  I’m over here.

Ben Carson:  It takes real balls to wear a pin stripe suit this ugly to a Presidential debate.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?: See I told you I was taller than everyone else.

Mike Huckabee:  Chris Christie’s tie does make him look fat.  Really fat. I should know.

Scott Walker:  ZZZZZZZZ

Donald Trump:  Have you seen my poll numbers?  Next question.