Tag Archives: GOP Debate

The Republicans are Master-debaters

Red is pretty damn sure that last night’s GOP debate is the first time that penis size has ever come up in a presidential debate.  The spirited repartee over the size of Donald Trump’s penis has generated some interesting and heretofore unprecedented headlines on the important topic of just how big our President’s dick should be.

From CNN – Donald Trump Defends Size of His Penis

From the International Business Times – Donald Trump Discusses Penis Size During Fox News Republican Debate

From HuffPo – Donald Trump Nearly Turns GOP Debate into Literal Dick-Measuring Contest

From patch.com – Who Won Thursday’s Republican Debate: Yoga, “Little Marco”, Penis Size

From Hollywood Life – Donald Trump Fires Back at Marco Rubio: “There is No Problem” with my Penis

Red thinks  the headline writers were challenged by this unusual development and failed to respond with their usual expertise.  Red also notes that Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) stayed out of the dick-swinging fray last night.  Does Ted have something to hide?


GOP Debate at UH – Why?

Red wonders what strings got pulled by and for University of Houston to land the final GOP debate before Super Tuesday.  The debate is being held at the woefully undersized Moores Opera Hall which seats only 800.  Half of those seats will go accredited members of the press leaving only about 400 seats for the public.  UH itself only received 25 seats.  UH Pres. Renu Khator complained about the allotment to no avail.  Which all begs the question of why the debate is being held at such a small venue, when excellent facilities with more than twice that capacity are readily available in Houston?

Ted Cruz Doesn’t Debate

Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) has mastered the art of the non-debate.  Here are the 10 basic rules:

  1. Never actually answer a question, it’s a sign of weakness.
  2. Never admit you made a mistake – other than a clerical error.
  3. Have a bag full of ready-to-deliver snarky comebacks and veiled insults.
  4. Talk over your opponents during their time.
  5. Attack the media whenever possible – especially when they are reporting truthfully about you.
  6. Perfect a disgusted, dismayed look that says – I can’t believe they aren’t smart enough to take everything I say for the gospel truth.
  7. Use that finger.
  8. Begin response with vicious attack on questioner – then segue to warm and meaningless family anecdote.
  9. When disgusted, dismayed look doesn’t work – turn to icy stare.
  10. Never actually answer a question.

GOP Debate – Round ?

Last night’s GOP debate in Las Vegas focused largely on issues of national security – not a surprise with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer at the helm.

Red’s favorite topic was when WB asked the estimable candidates about enforcing a No-Fly Zone in Syria and whether they would order a Russian plane shot down.  As always, Red translates the responses for you.

Chris Christie –  Hell yes, I would shoot down a Russian plane. I call Putin and tell him, “No flying, fuckhead.” And then when he ignores that we shoot.  And unlike the other weenies on this stage, I would insist on shooting down the planes myself – you know because I was a tough ass New Jersey prosecutor.  How does that work?   Every time a Russian jet entered the NFZ, I would be on the line immediately, targeting that sucker, remotely pushing the button to launch the missile and then celebrating afterwards with a double-meat bacon cheeseburger.  Fuck Yeah!

Rand Paul – If you want World War III, here’s your candidate. [Pointing to Christie]  If you are not absolutely bat shit crazy – like most of the respected candidates on this stage – and would prefer a big wussy in the White House, look no further.  I am the biggest wussy on this stage and proud of it.

Jeb!!!!????$ –  I have called for the NFZ and I would shoot down a plane with my sainted mother in it if it was violating the NFZ. Sorry, Dad.

Donald Trump – I too would shoot down a plane with  Jeb!!!!$$$$?’s mother in it.   But I like Putin bombing the shit out of Syria.  I back it 100%.  I would back it 1000% if that were possible, and believe me percentages well in excess of 100 will be the norm when I am elected president.  100% will be old hat.  No one will be talking about 100% when I am President.  500% will be the absolute minimum.

Ben Carson –  We shoot down Russian planes absolutely.  Then afterwards, I deal with the possibility of nuclear conflagration in my thoughtful, deliberate and respectful way as we descend into chaos and world war.

John Kasich – Why are you asking this question?  Why am I even still here? Is Red spelling my name correctly?

Ted Cruz – After I finish carpet bombing Syria and explaining in excruciating detail why that is not a war crime, there will be no real need for a NFZ.  In fact tourist groups will want to fly over Syria to see the glowing sand.

Carly Fiorina –  I would insist on a NFZ and shoot down anything that flies.  But I would not call Putin first – who by the way I talked with earlier today.  Others on this stage talk about making America great again.  But what is their plan?  I have a plan.  You know what would make this country great again – World War III.  I promise you that we will have WWIII if I am elected president.

Marco Rubio – Thank god we are not talking about immigration.



Anticipating Tonight’s GOP Debate

With all the hubbub, hoo-hah, and general commotion surrounding Dr. Ben Carson’s claim to have stabbed someone as a youth, Red anticipates that the other presidential hopefuls on the GOP side may feel compelled to come up with their anecdotes showing how they have risen from their troubled past and become the better person for it.

Rand Paul –  Once refused to tip his hairdresser when she cut his hair too short.

Ted Cruz – Never killed anyone himself, but his Dad Rafael, was part of team of assassins who were dispatched to kill deposed Cuban dictator Fulgencio Bautista but were thwarted when FB had the impertinence to die of a heart attack just days before the planned assassination.  Ted himself did once unleash a brutal tongue lashing that reduced a first grade classmate to quivering jelly after cutting in front of Ted in the boy’s restroom.  Ted really had to pee very badly.

Jeb!!!!$$$$? – Whacked a fraternity brother up side of the head with a pledge paddle when he refused to give Jeb!!!!$$$$? a copy of an old Econ 101 final.  Jeb!!!!$$$$? made a C.

Marco Rubio –  Tried to attack a convenience store clerk with a switchblade.  Luckily, it was only Marco’s switchblade comb.

Carly Fiorina – Too many school yard cat fights to pick out one in particular.

Donald Trump –  Paid local toughs to beat up kid who made fun of his hair.  This happened more than once.

John Kasich –  Food fight in the men’s locker room at his country club.  Couldn’t get a decent tee time for several months.

Chris Christie – Sat on little brother until he forked over allowance.

Mike Huckabee – Body slammed gay man in the mosh pit.

Bobby Jindal –  Peed in neighbor’s back yard.

Red’s Awards from Last Night’s GOP Debate

While much of the media is focused on who won or lost, Red believes that, much like U6 Soccer, everyone who shows up deserves a participation award.  So in no particular order, Red gives the following awards to the participants in last night’s GOP debate:

Jeb!!!!$$$$?  –  The Why am I Even Here and Not Already Been Proclaimed President Award

Ted Cruz –  The Angriest Man Alive Award

John Kasich – The Hopelessly Rational Human Stuck in a Lunatic Asylum Award

Donald Trump –  The “Fuck You” Money Award

Mike Huckabee – The Just Damn Glad to be Here and Insult Fat People Award

Ben Carson – The Smooth Jazz FM Radio Deejay Award

Chris Christie – The I Can’t Believe I’m Losing to These Guys Award

Carly Fiorina – The Sure I Was an Incompetent CEO but With Enough Lies People Will Forget Award

Marco Rubio – The Vote for Me Because I’m Not Yet Tired and Old Like Bush Award

Rand Paul – The Really, We Almost Forgot You Were There Award

GOP Debate Bingo Card from USA Today.

Highlights from the GOP Debate, Cont.

Ted Cruz:  The sky is falling. The sky is falling.  Why? Because Obama is not a leader.  I know how to lead, I was a patrol leader in my Canadian boy scout troop.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?:  I know how to lead too, I was the corresponding secretary for my fraternity at UT.  Oh yeah, and governor of some state.  I forget which.

Marco Rubio:  The problem is that Obama is weak, really weak, disgustingly weak.  Pero, yo soy muy fuerte.

Chris Christie:  I’ve seen weak leaders before, but he’s weakest weak-kneed, weakling that was ever weak.

Carly Fiorina:  Yeah, killing Osama bin Laden and all those Al Qaida leaders and not having a terror attack in the U.S. on his watch just shows how weak he is.  Very weak.  Weaker than Rand Paul.

Rand Paul:  Weakness in the defense of liberty is no vice!

Ben Carson:  It’s past my bedtime.

Scott Walker:  I am not weak, I just look that way on TV.

John Kasich:  I’m still over here.

Mike Huckabee:  I was for calling Obama a weakling, before weakness was cool.

Donald Trump.  The weak love me too. Have you seen how I’m polling with the weak?

Highlights of the GOP Debate, Cont.

From the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?:  Donald you tried to get casino gambling in Florida and I stopped it.  You wanted to bring your Mafioso friends in and pay off politicians, but the forces of righteousness stopped you.

Donald Trump:  If I had wanted to get gambling in Florida, I would have done it. I guarantee that because I am a winner.  Look at the polls.  If the people of Florida didn’t want gambling, screw them – I would have gotten it done because all that really matters is what I want.  Again the polls.  And the people would have loved me for it.

Outtakes from the GOP Debate

From the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.  Who knew they could fit a 707 into a presidential library?

Jay:  Thanks to Donald Trump for being here tonight and I see there are some other guys on the stage, I’m not really sure who you are – please introduce yourselves.

Rand Paul:  It’s time we had a curly-headed president again.  Look how well Andrew Jackson did.

Marco Rubio:  I could have sworn I shaved before this debate.

Chris Christie:  Does this tie make me look fat?

Carly Fiorina:  How did Nixon’s makeup man sneak into my dressing room?

Ted Cruz:  I am shutting down this debate unless we defund CNN right now!

John Kasich:  I’m over here.

Ben Carson:  It takes real balls to wear a pin stripe suit this ugly to a Presidential debate.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?: See I told you I was taller than everyone else.

Mike Huckabee:  Chris Christie’s tie does make him look fat.  Really fat. I should know.

Scott Walker:  ZZZZZZZZ

Donald Trump:  Have you seen my poll numbers?  Next question.