Category Archives: Red Translates

Melania Speaks – Red Translates

Melania Trump, reluctant First Lady, unveiled her signature project which will focus on improving the lives of children by stopping all forms of bullying and cyber abuse.  Red thinks this is a very worthwhile and even noble attempt by the FL who despite having possibly been an illegal alien, posed naked for money, falsely claimed to speak five languages, screwed around with a rich married older man and married for money – does seem to want to set things right and maybe do some good in the world.  That’s about as decent a level of praise as anyone associated with Trumph – Our Insult Comic President will ever get from Red.  But Melania’s speech introducing her signature program seeking to protect children was undercut by an announcement by AG Jefferson Beauregard Sessions that the U.S. will now separate any children entering the U.S. illegally from their families.  So we are all about protecting children except when abusing them will pander to the GOP base.  In light of that, Red felt the need to translate a small part of Melania’s speech.

Be Best is an awareness campaign dedicated to the most valuable and fragile among us (no – not my husband’s attorneys): our children (and it’s going to be way better than Michelle Obama’s “Be Better” schtick).

There is one goal: to educate children about the many issues they are facing today (like – how can I trust anything adults say when our president is lying sack of shit).  If we truly listen to what our kids have to say, whether it’s their concerns (stumbling into war) or ideas, adults can provide them the support and tools (other than paying for public education or college loans) they need to grow up and be happy productive adults (Trump voters). Children deserve every opportunity to enjoy their innocence (and being put in federal custody apart from your annoying parents will be very enjoyable). 

Social media is too often used in negative ways (just look down the hallway at the White House), but when children learn positive behavior early on, it can be used in productive ways (voting Republican).  We have the responsibility to educate  and remind (children) when they use their voices to choose their words wisely (are you paying attention Mr. Guiliani?) and speak with respect and kindness (and very impressively I didn’t once gag on a giant bag of hypocrisy while saying that).

It remains our generation’s moral imperative to take responsibility and help our children manage the many issues they are facing today, including encouraging positive social, emotional, and physical habits (voting Republican, loving Trumpism and hating the FBI). By acknowledging there are many important issues (oh, we got your issues alright), and knowing these problems cannot be solved overnight, I believe we can change the way we think and talk (because it would really be a challenge to think or talk more crudely than my husband) about issues facing children today.


Red Translates – Trump’s UN Speech

Welcome to New York – my hometown.  A place where we used to pack a bunch of stinky foreigners like you into ghettos.  Those were the days.

Since my election, everything in the U.S. is just going great guns.  All those statistics that I used to mock like the unemployment rate and the stock market boom – well, those are all true and accurate since I became President and we have the lowest unemployment rate ever.   And speaking of guns – we are busting the budget to pump up our military.  So if any of you little pipsqueaks are thinking about starting some trouble – you got another think coming Mister.

We live in a great time what with science and all that stuff that I don’t believe in when it contradicts what I want to think about the world.  I mean, who are you going to trust a bunch of losers who have dedicated their lives to the advancement of science or a slick con man like me who has dedicated his life to making money by skinning everyone I deal with.  Really!  Science can do a lot – if I agree with it.  But I’m the man to see.

Okay let’s move on to the important stuff. America First.  You got that losers.  We don’t impose our way of life on anyone We just storm into your country when you piss us off break a lot of stuff and kill  a bunch of people. Ask any Iraqi.  Our country is a shining example of freedom.  Ignore the fact that we have the highest poverty rate, highest crime rate, highest murder rate, highest infant mortality rate, lowest number of insured people, highest number of lawsuits, worst public educational system and stupidest President of developed country in the world.  Those are mere details.  I mean look at our Constitution (I might actually read it someday, but don’t hold your breath).  It’s been around 230 years.  That’s like longer than some of the golf courses I own.

We did some great work in the World War II.  Yeah, it’s kind of been downhill since then, but we didn’t fight that war to take over new lands – we had already done that to Mexico and Spain.

Let’s get to the meat of it.  Those “rogue regimes.”  Talk about a bunch of losers.  I mean most of you guys are losers compared to me – but Rocket Man and his pals – total losers.  Just a warning –  I eat losers for lunch and then have a real lunch after that.  I will bomb those bastards back into the stone age if needed and then have some more lunch

Okay I need to insult some other countries.

Iran – you guys are fags – terrorist supporting fags.  You’re on the list.

Venezuela – you guys wish you were fags.  You’re on the list too.

Hillary – not a country but still crooked.

Don’t get me wrong, we want peace and if you aren’t willing to go along with that, I will bomb the everliving shit out of your country before lunch.  Don’t think I won’t do it.

Now go home and tell your kids, that you just got to hear a speech by the greatest American president of all time.  That would be me, losers.

Ted Cruz Speaks – Red Translates

Red loves his weekly email from Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas).  When “Lyin’ Ted” writes, hilarity ensues.  As always, Red translates for you – so you don’t have to.


This week, I continued to push back (disguised cleverly as flailing about helplessly and flapping my gums)  against President Obama’s unconstitutional (because only I can divine the mysterious intent of the founding fathers – so just trust me on this)  executive amnesty. Texans have witnessed the harmful effects of an unsecure border (made somehow less secure by the record number of interdictions and deportations carried out by the Obama administration – but those are merely inconvenient things called facts – wise folks would rather hear me make shit up, wouldn’t you?), which endanger the lives of citizens (who might have to clean their own bathrooms – full of germs I hear) and pose risks to American families (or horror of horrors – mow their own yard). The Obama administration  (terrorist sympathizing Muslim communists) must adhere to and respect the rule of law (just wait until I’m president and need to do something), rather than the personal views of the President (clearly a Commie) and what he thinks the law should be (because after all he was only Editor of the Harvard Law Review and a constitutional law professor and not a Supreme Court clerk like me – take that loser).

In an attempt to rein in the lawless actions (I hear it’s like Dodge City in the 1870’s inside the White House) of the Obama administration, the State of Texas (soon to be a sovereign nation if my supporters have anything to say about it) has championed the fight against the Administration’s 2014 executive amnesty (even though I was curiously quiet when W. Bush was trampling on the Constitution), and I am proud (a deadly but really satisfying sin when you have an ego that won’t fit into Capitol rotunda) to continue leading efforts (by running my mouth, calling my colleagues liars and alienating pretty much every other Senator so that they really don’t pay attention to anything I say) against the President’s lawlessness.

Please keep reading for an update on the latest in the Senate (if you have masochistic tendencies).

Keep Texas Strong (Your Canadian Pal),

Ted Cruz


Hillary’s Campaign Speaks – Red Translates

Red got this message from the Hillary Clinton campaign yesterday.  As always, Red translates so that you don’t have to.

It seems the Sanders campaign is finally seeing the writing on the wall (and it says Victory): Hillary has won more votes  AND more pledged delegates (if you include all the Democratic Party suck-ups disguised as so-called “Super-Delegates”) in this election — her lead in both is nearly insurmountable (nearly, but not actually).

So this morning, Bernie’s campaign manager claimed the convention could be an “open convention,” (the horror!!) and declared they’re going to try and flip delegates’ votes (the double horror!!), overturning the will of the voters (unless of course you are talking about the SD’s who don’t represent the will of anything except the Clinton machine).

Your vote is your voice (but really we all know money talks and that’s why you are getting this email and we are changing the font just in case), and the Sanders campaign (those Commies) shouldn’t be trying to circumvent the process (by attempting to win) — or the nearly 9 million (and counting) people who have made their voice heard for Hillary in this election (just ignore the voices of the millions who have voted for Bernie – they’ll eventually get hoarse and go away).

We need to head into our next contests stronger than ever (oops – Wisconsin) so that we can widen our delegate lead (twist more SD arms), widen our vote lead, and secure this nomination (wrap up more SD’s) long before we get to the convention (let’s leave that mess to the GOP)– can you chip(again “money talks” blah, blah, blah) in to help Hillary win key states like New York and Pennsylvania (really, she’s worried about New York?)? When you do, we’ll send you a free sticker (Red has always dreamed of having a free Hillary Thank You Sticker – it would complete him) to say thank you!


JEB!!!!$$$? Speaks – Red Translates

JEB!!!!$$$? has been quoted as stating that Americans need to work longer hours.   As usual, Red will translate so that you don’t have to do it yourself.

“My aspiration for the country [another failed Bush presidency] and I believe [at least my cadre of the usual Bush family advisors tell me that I should believe it] we can achieve it, is 4 percent growth [please don’t laugh out loud] as far as the eye can see [of course, I have notoriously bad vision]. Which means we have to be a lot more productive [get off your fat lazy working poor asses], workforce participation has to rise from its all-time modern lows. It means that people need to work longer hours [which is very easy to say for a guy who gets $75,000 for a one hour speech to willing syncophants] and, through their productivity, gain more income for their families [which we will figure out how to tax so that rich guys like me pay less]. That’s the only way we’re going to get out of this rut [a Democrat in the White House] that we’re in [caused largely by my incompetent fool of a big brother].”

Ted Cruz Speaks – Red Translates

Cruz was nearly apoplectic in the face of the Supreme Court’s latest upholding of the Affordable Care Act.

“Our government was designed to be one of laws [only those made by Republicans of course], not of men [screw the women],” Sen. Cruz said. “And this transparent distortion is disgraceful [contrary to what I believe]. These justices are not behaving as umpires calling balls and strikes[unless they are following the Tea Party agenda and I approve]. They have joined a team [the Communist, Socialist Liberal Democrats], and it is a team that is hurting Americans across this country[Despite the undisputed evidence of reasonable economic and job growth after my party damn near killed the economy]. Obamacare [never call it by its real name] is the biggest job killer in America [if I say so] Millions of Americans have lost their jobs [please don’t ask for evidence – just trust me here], have been forced into part-time work [largely because they wanted to be able to work part-time and still have health insurance – but those are inconvenient facts that you should obviously ignore because I do], have lost their health insurance [and got better insurance –  again ignore], have lost their doctors [I mean literally lost them – they have simply disappeared and cannot be found]. Millions of Americans have seen their health insurance premiums skyrocket [and by that I mean they have increased at a much lower rate than before the ACA but I can’t really say that now can I?], and it is a direct result of President Obama [that Muslim Kenyan Socialist terrorist sympathizer], of Democrats [latter-day Communists] in the United States Congress, and of lawless judges [except for the authority granted to them by the US Constitution which I claim to revere except when inconveniently at odds with the facts] at the United States Supreme Court who have joined the team  [those Commies again] of the Obama administration [as opposed to my team of Tea Party wingnuts who wanted to destroy our healthcare system so that we could embarrass that Muslim Kenyan]. If those justices [I really dissed them by using lower case] want to become legislators [like me], I invite them to resign and run for office [preferably in Texas]. That’s the appropriate place to write laws [something I am to busy grandstanding to do]: on this floor [we keep the carpet reasonably clean], not from that courtroom.”

The Latest Episode of Walker, Texas Moron

Chuck Norris of Walker, Texas Ranger fame, has weighed in on the Jade Helm 15 “controversy.”  Chuck speaks, Red translates:

Concerned Texans and Americans (Tea Party Wingnuts) are in no way calling into question our brave and courageous men and women in uniform (except to claim that they are coming to round us up and take our guns away). They are merely following orders (of the Muslim Kenyan Terrorist Sympathizer). What’s under question are those who are pulling the strings at the top of Jade Helm 15 back in Washington (that Muslim Kenyan Terrorist Sympathizer again). The U.S. government says, “It’s just a training exercise.” But I’m not sure the term “just” has any reference to reality when the government uses it. (Even Red “just” can’t figure out what the Texas Moron is “just” trying to say here).

“Well, I’m not trusting what we’re being told,” said Mike Hightower, an affable antique store owner and real-estate agent (and possible part-time conspiracy theorist) in the very small town of Smithville, Texas, (does it still bill itself as the “Heart of the Megapolis?”) where some Jade Helm 15 (Red preferred the noir classic Jade Helm 2) exercises will take place. He added, “I think there’s something a little more involved than what they’re telling us.” (okay, confirmed conspiracy theorist).

If Washington (you know who) wants to cool the embers of controversy (that we made up out of whole cloth), then it should quit stoking the fire (doing its job protecting our country), as with the posting of a map of Jade Helm 15 “just” exercises that label some areas of the country, including Texas, as “hostile,” according to KHOU 11 News in Houston and verified by the Washington Post (OMG are you really that f%#king stupid?).

I have an idea (now let’s be careful here): If the government insists on running expanded military ops (they’re really coming to take our women and children and most importantly guns) across seven Southwest states, why doesn’t it move all that “military training” south and protect our borders (keep them pesky brown skins out) at the same time?! (Red has never seen a question mark and an exclamation point used simultaneously, so this must really be important – or not!?. So there.)

Whatever Jade Helm 15 actually is (women, children, guns, etc again), I think it is more than coincidental that the FBI director just confessed in February that the presence of ISIS can be felt in all 50 states of the U.S. and that the Pentagon (Remember, I support our support our brave men and women in the military unless they happen to be in command) is suddenly running its biggest military training exercise (oops! I slipped up here and actually correctly identified Jade Helm 15 as a military training exercise – please forgive me) with every branch of the military across seven Southwestern states (rather than, for example, Kenya). Whether deterrence, display of power or something more covert or devious (okay, I’m back on track – women, children, guns, etc.), let’s not come with any patronizing nonsense of impotence and simplicity (okay, he lost Red again) when its origin is in Washington (you know, perhaps we could overlook that Muslim Kenyan Terror Sympathizer thing – if he weren’t also a gall-danged Democrat!).

I’m glad Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is asking the tough questions of the Pentagon about Jade Helm 15, (Like – why are you coming to round us up and take away our women, children and guns?) particularly because its “exercises” (it must be a lie if I put it in quotes) come too near to my ranch’s backdoor as well (Ah, now we’re getting somewhere), at least according to the map. It’s pretty sad and bad (and plaid and mad and rad) when major military ops (getting army jargon talk on us) are ordered in a large, fiery (really, we’re actually on fire most of the time in the  Lone Star state) state like Texas and not even the governor or its senators know the specifics (other than the complete briefing they got from the Military who of course cannot be trusted).

It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Really big fish in a tiny barrel. You can thank Red later.