Tag Archives: 2016 Candidates

Ted Cruz Takes the High Road – Through the Garbage Dump

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Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) who repeatedly claims that he talks about the issues and does not resort to ad hominem attacks went on a mud-flinging offensive against Donald Trump today in Indiana.  Among other things, the Tea Party Hero called Trump: (1) a pathological liar; (2) a narcissist at a level I don’t think this country’s ever seen; (3) utterly amoral;  (4) a serial philanderer; and (5) a bully.

Red agrees with most of Cruz’s remarks, except that as far as narcissism goes – no one can hold a candle to Cruz.

Lucifer in the Flesh!

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Former GOP Speaker of the House John Boehner unloaded on Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) in an interview.  After calling the Texas Senator “Lucifer in the flesh”, Boehner kept going.

“I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

Boehner also stated that Cruz would become president “over my dead body.”  Boehner is apparently still seething over Cruz’s promise that he could lead a government shut-down that would result in a repeal of the Affordable Care Act.  When it became obvious that Cruz was blowing smoke up the GOP’s collective pants and that he had little or no support for his cause in the Senate, Boehner and colleagues were left hung out to dry in the face of withering criticism.  What quickly became apparent to all was that Cruz’s ploy was nothing more than a chance for the junior senator to put his name out front and set up his run for the White House.  Cruz never had any intention of doing anything more than hogging the spotlight and running up his national name recognition.

For his part Cruz denied ever having worked with Boehner – another almost certainly verifiable lie from the lips of the Tea Party hero.

Meanwhile, Satanists were complaining that comparing Cruz to the Devil was an insult to all Devil worshippers.

 

Cruz Tries to Steal the News Cycle

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In the wake of his crushing losses in five primaries on Tuesday, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) made a bold attempt to divert the nation’s attention away from the incredible ass-whomping he had just received by naming failed businesswoman Carly Fiorina as his vice-presidential running mate.  Cruz made an interesting choice in picking Fiorina who was soundly rejected by the Republican electorate in the early going.  Fiorina failed to ignite her campaign and performed miserably in the contests in which she competed.  Fiorina had less than 2%support in the Iowa caucuses, received 4% of the vote in New Hampshire with an 8th place finish, and was done.  She won exactly zero (o) delegates.   Fiorina kept proclaiming that her campaign “was not about me” – which in Red’s opinion is the clear sign that a campaign is indeed all about the candidate’s ego.  Fiorina gave voters absolutely no reason to cast their ballot for her – not surprising when he main accomplishments were her record as a horribly failed CEO of Hewlitt-Packard and her losing Senatorial campaign in California.   Her one claim to fame was a good performance in the “undercard” debate preceding Iowa which put her to prominence until the voters had the good sense to reject her as completely unqualified.    So what attracted Ted to her.  Cruz claim he was attracted to Fiorina as his running mate because she  was “born in Texas…the very first thing I liked about her.”  Interesting since that is something that the Canadian-born Cruz cannot say about himself.   Cruz did succeed in turning the national press away from the Trump blow-out on Tuesday, but Red thinks this smacks of desperation and predicts the news cycle will move on in a day or two or at best until Cruz loses in Indiana.

Cruz Stomped in Northeast and Mid-Atlantic

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Here are the numbers for Cruz from last night GOP primaries:

Pennsylvania    21.6%

Maryland           18.9

Rhode Island    10.4

Connecticut     11.7

Delaware           15.9

Cruz barely avoided single digits in Rhode Island and Connecticut and was generally stomped elsewhere finishing behind Trump and the weakling Kasich.  Pennsylvania was the sole “dim” spot for Cruz last night where he eked out a second place finish over Kasich but still lost by almost 40 points to Trump.  Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that Cruz was bloviating about how 65% of Republican voters had rejected Donald Trump.  Well last night, close to 85% of Republican voters rejected Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s only path to the nomination is to pray for Trump to fall just short of first ballot victory and then sneak away from Cleveland with a second or third ballot nomination.  If that happens, almost every commentator is predicting rioting in the streets.

And then there is this from Cruz:  “If you want to beat Donald Trump, the way to do so is not some backroom deal in Washington that steals the nomination and hands it to someone who hasn’t won at the ballot box. The way instead is to beat Donald trump at the polls.”

Listen to yourself Ted.

Ted Cruz Accused of Campaign Violations

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Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) has been accused of campaign violations in the conduct of fundraising for his presidential campaign.  Texas Democrats claim that Cruz violated federal election law by illegally coordinating with the Super PAC that is promoting his candidacy but which is supposedly – wink, wink, nudge, nudge – completely and totally separate from Cruz’s official campaign juggernaut.

The complaint filed with the Federal Election Commission alleges that Cruz national co-chairman J. Keet Lewis violated federal election laws at an official campaign fundraiser in December by asking Cruz supporters to donate unlimited amounts, as well as to make corporate contributions to the pro-Cruz Stand for Truth PAC  (you read that right – “Lyin’ Ted’s” Super PAC is named “Stand for Truth”).

Under federal law, a candidate or agent of a candidate can solicit donors to a PAC.  However, it is illegal for them to solicit unlimited contributions or corporate contributions to a Super PAC.

The  complaint names Cruz,  Lewis, Cruz for President treasurer Bradley Knippa and Stand for Truth Treasurer D. Eric Lycan as respondents.  The primary allegations involve remarks Lewis made at the December fundraiser where he told the crowd, “If you hit your max then we have a table for you that is the unlimited table. It can take corporate dollars, it can take partnership dollars, and that’s the Super PAC, Stand for Truth.”

Lewis denies the allegations, but the complaint seems to be just one more in a long line of ethical questions plaguing Cruz’s campaign as it head into the final stretch of primaries over the next month.

Ted Cruz Complains – Red Translates

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Dear Red ,

I’m about to ask you to make a sacrifice (I’m an Old Testament Christian after all) in the next 48 hours. But before I do, I want you to know: I wouldn’t ask you if I hadn’t already done it myself   (If you don’t believe me check out the burned doves and occasional ripped open sheep on my back patio).

Please let me briefly explain.

You see, running for President of the United States is a significant sacrifice (mostly of the opportunity to vote in the Senate – the job I was elected to do). Only through prayer and many late night discussions (I love pillow talk) with my wife, family, and closest friends did I make THE decision (Not that the outcome was ever in doubt).
And I must share with you — I’ve committed to sacrificing a great deal for our campaign:

Time with my family: Spending almost every day on the campaign trail or fighting on the Senate floor (at least once a month) means precious little time spent with my wife, Heidi, (I think that’s her name) and my daughters (I forget their names but damn they’re cute) — the very family that gives me the motivation and drive to fight (well that along with my raging narcissism).

Health and sleep: My runoff campaign for the Senate in 2012 took a toll (I wouldn’t wish my varicose veins on my worst enemy), but now I’m sacrificing even more sleep with long nights and constant travel (which explains some of my bizarre outbursts). And the pizza diet (you know I prefer Canadian bacon) is a staple on the campaign trail.

Finances: the cost of campaigning back and forth across the country for president is increasingly expensive (but paid for with other people’s money), but Heidi and I are willing to invest our livelihoods into this sacrifice (because win or lose a big book deal is coming).

Personal time: You think of this the least, but as a candidate, my days are no longer my own (in fact, they are bought and paid for by the Koch brothers). Days start before dawn and many times don’t end until early the next morning (only the adulation of the crowds keeps me going). There is almost no personal time when you run for president (it takes three aides to help me take a shit).

Red, I’ve chosen to sacrifice part of mine and my families lives (our lives, damn it, our lives – I’m just like Abraham) to run for President (my lifelong dream)— but I think you will agree with me that the sacrifice is well worth it (or maybe not).

 Unless courageous conservatives (and a good number of misled dupes) are willing to make tough sacrifices to stand up and fight, we will not be able to restore America (you know, flood damage from the Obama years and all).

Today, I’m asking you to make a sacrifice —–. Will you join me by making a special, one-time (did I say one time?  Jeez, the staff is going to be pissed off about that one) gift (it’s like Christmas every day at the Cruz headquarters) to my campaign?
I’ve asked my staff to put together these secure links below so you can make an instant and secure sacrificial gift — it can be done in just 5 minutes.

 I CAN SACRIFICE $35 (a dove) TO RESTORE AMERICA >>  I CAN SACRIFICE $100 (a lamb) TO RESTORE AMERICA >> 

 I CAN SACRIFICE $250 (a cow) TO RESTORE AMERICA >> 

 I CAN SACRIFICE $1000 (a bull elephant) TO RESTORE AMERICA >> 

Will you be a courageous conservative and make a special gift today to help restore America? I can only reach this goal with your help.


I wouldn’t ask you if 1f I wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifice myself (I managed to work in sacrifice 15 times – if that doesn’t get the evangelicals all riled up and ready to get out the credit cards – nothing will); and 2) the stakes weren’t so high (later tonight, they are going to drive the stakes through my hands – how’s that for sacrifice).

Red (I used your name 3 times, Red, make that 4, Red, oh shit now it’s 5 – please make me stop)—, time is critical, and if you will, please make this special gift in the next 48 hours — I would be so grateful (I’ll raise your taxes just to prove it).

For liberty (and the greater glorification of all things Ted Cruz,

Ted Cruz

 

 

 

   
    
   
   

 

 

Ted Cruz Skunked in New York

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Donald Trump mopped the floor with Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) on Tuesday on Trump’s home turf.  The Texas Tea Party hero finished a distant third behind Trump and Ohioan John Kasick and earned exactly ZERO delegates.  Trump made up all the ground that Cruz had fought hard for over the last month in one night and with a favorable calendar for the next two weeks, looks likely to very nearly close the deal by the end of April.   Another Trump sweep seems possible next week.   Cruz might have a chance to win Nebraska or maybe South Dakota, but his only real shot now is to muck up the works at the GOP National Convention, deny Trump a first ballot victory, and then sneak off with the nomination on a later ballot.  That might actually present the best-case scenario in Red’s opinion.

“How so?”, you ask.   If going to Cleveland Trump has – say 1200 delegates – close but no cigar, Cruz will do everything in his power to hold Trump just short.  If he succeeds and wins the nomination in a “contested convention”, the GOP will likely fracture, Trump may run as a third party candidate, Cruz will go down in ignominious defeat losing 49 states, never be heard from again as a serious national candidate, and maybe re-immigrate to Canada.  A guy can dream can’t he?

The End of the Bromance between “Lyin’ Ted” and “The Donald”

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The Texas Tribune adeptly chronicles the rise and fall of the bromance between Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) and Donald Trump.

Nine months ago,  Ted Cruz called Donald Trump “terrific.” Two weeks ago, he called the real estate mogul “a sniveling coward.”

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for the two leading candidates for the Republican presidential nomination, with Cruz, a U.S. Senator from Texas, initially distinguishing himself last summer as the only candidate to fully embrace Trump’s unexpected bid for the White House. 

As other contenders fell by the wayside, the pair’s friendship first fractured and then died, only to be quickly replaced with an intense hostility.

In the words of Willie Nelson, “There’s nothing cold as ashes after the fire is gone.”

Ted Cruz Speaks – Red Translates

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Red loves his weekly email from Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas).  When “Lyin’ Ted” writes, hilarity ensues.  As always, Red translates for you – so you don’t have to.

Greetings,

This week, I continued to push back (disguised cleverly as flailing about helplessly and flapping my gums)  against President Obama’s unconstitutional (because only I can divine the mysterious intent of the founding fathers – so just trust me on this)  executive amnesty. Texans have witnessed the harmful effects of an unsecure border (made somehow less secure by the record number of interdictions and deportations carried out by the Obama administration – but those are merely inconvenient things called facts – wise folks would rather hear me make shit up, wouldn’t you?), which endanger the lives of citizens (who might have to clean their own bathrooms – full of germs I hear) and pose risks to American families (or horror of horrors – mow their own yard). The Obama administration  (terrorist sympathizing Muslim communists) must adhere to and respect the rule of law (just wait until I’m president and need to do something), rather than the personal views of the President (clearly a Commie) and what he thinks the law should be (because after all he was only Editor of the Harvard Law Review and a constitutional law professor and not a Supreme Court clerk like me – take that loser).

In an attempt to rein in the lawless actions (I hear it’s like Dodge City in the 1870’s inside the White House) of the Obama administration, the State of Texas (soon to be a sovereign nation if my supporters have anything to say about it) has championed the fight against the Administration’s 2014 executive amnesty (even though I was curiously quiet when W. Bush was trampling on the Constitution), and I am proud (a deadly but really satisfying sin when you have an ego that won’t fit into Capitol rotunda) to continue leading efforts (by running my mouth, calling my colleagues liars and alienating pretty much every other Senator so that they really don’t pay attention to anything I say) against the President’s lawlessness.

Please keep reading for an update on the latest in the Senate (if you have masochistic tendencies).

Keep Texas Strong (Your Canadian Pal),

Ted Cruz

 

Hillary’s Campaign Speaks – Red Translates

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Red got this message from the Hillary Clinton campaign yesterday.  As always, Red translates so that you don’t have to.

It seems the Sanders campaign is finally seeing the writing on the wall (and it says Victory): Hillary has won more votes  AND more pledged delegates (if you include all the Democratic Party suck-ups disguised as so-called “Super-Delegates”) in this election — her lead in both is nearly insurmountable (nearly, but not actually).

So this morning, Bernie’s campaign manager claimed the convention could be an “open convention,” (the horror!!) and declared they’re going to try and flip delegates’ votes (the double horror!!), overturning the will of the voters (unless of course you are talking about the SD’s who don’t represent the will of anything except the Clinton machine).

Your vote is your voice (but really we all know money talks and that’s why you are getting this email and we are changing the font just in case), and the Sanders campaign (those Commies) shouldn’t be trying to circumvent the process (by attempting to win) — or the nearly 9 million (and counting) people who have made their voice heard for Hillary in this election (just ignore the voices of the millions who have voted for Bernie – they’ll eventually get hoarse and go away).

We need to head into our next contests stronger than ever (oops – Wisconsin) so that we can widen our delegate lead (twist more SD arms), widen our vote lead, and secure this nomination (wrap up more SD’s) long before we get to the convention (let’s leave that mess to the GOP)– can you chip(again “money talks” blah, blah, blah) in to help Hillary win key states like New York and Pennsylvania (really, she’s worried about New York?)? When you do, we’ll send you a free sticker (Red has always dreamed of having a free Hillary Thank You Sticker – it would complete him) to say thank you!