Category Archives: Red’s NFL Picks

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 11

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“When it comes to football, God is prejudiced – towards big, fast kids.”

Chuck Mills

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 40-20. Open front door, stretch arms, breathe fresh air – think positive thoughts.

Your God’s Favorite Team Pick of the Week: Patriots over Bills. Either God shines favorably on the Patriots or Bill B. made a deal with the Devil. The latter seems more likely, but the presence of divine intervention cannot be discounted when looking at the Pats. They lose wide-outs, linemen, running backs, ball boys and they just keep on winning. Red is picking the Patriots to win until they lose and then will pick them some more. That said, Red doesn’t like the lines here. God is telling him to take his money elsewhere. New England 33 Orchard Park 10.

Your God’s Second Favorite Team Pick of the Week: Raiders over Lions. Little known fact, God is a huge Raiders fan. Puts on the black and silver every Sunday, paints his face, opens up a 40, calls in Al Davis and always has 50 yard line seat. A more obvious fact, God hates the Lions. And just like Red, God is also a big player on the over line.  But he is going under this week with the line at 48. When God speaks, Red listens.  Oakland 24 Detroit 21.

Your Goddamnit Pick of the Week: Jets over Texans. The Texans seem to respond favorably to Red’s scorn, so he heaps it on this week. Texans, yeah you! You think that beating the Bengals is going to turn around your season. You have another think coming, Mister. Yeah, you have Red Ryder’s (nee Red Rifle) number. Well take that to the deli counter at the Central Market – they won’t even slice your ham correctly. The Bengals had an off week and you took advantage. La di – frigging – da. You think being 4-5 and sitting atop the Pathetic Excuse for a Professional Football Division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South is something to shout about. Here, shout this – we are the first team in NFL history to be behind by more than 40 points in back to back games. You think that your defensive woes are behind you. Wait ‘til, Fitzpatrick comes back to NRG Stadium to put an asswhipping on the team that let him go – for Brian Hoyer! The bearded wonder is going to throw for 5 count ‘em 5 touchdowns. The Jets are going to steal your lunch, kick your ass and take names. Guys you never heard of are going to score touchdowns. Bill-O the Clown will be fired at half time. Red is going to bet the farm against you and have two farms come Monday morning. New Jersey 45 Houston 31.

You’re Oh my God! Pick of the Week: OTNA’s over Panthers. This exercise just isn’t all that much fun and much too time consuming unless Red can go crazy every once in a while. OTNA’s are coming off big win over the Saints. While Red is still convinced they suck, the time is ripe to eliminate one more team from the ranks of the unbeaten and it isn’t going to be the Patriots. Interesting fact of the week – never before in NFL history had 3 teams had 8-0 records. Another one falls away this week. Take the OTNA’s and the points – any points will do. Landover, Md 28 Carolina 17.

Your Godforsaken Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Titans. By the rules of the game, Red just can’t seem to avoid putting the Jaguars in the Shit Bowl week after week. These teams have but 5 wins between them. So the battle for the AFC South Basement (which is a sub-sub-basement indeed) will require Red, for the 4th time this season (at least), to pick the Jags to win this week’s Shit Bowl over the Titans. Despite Red’s warning, the Shit Bowl is not necessarily a bad game – just usually so. This one is on the knife edge of watchability so the usual measures (e.g., locking up weapons, hiding poison, avoiding high places) will not be needed. Red thinks it is very likely that Mariota will have an excellent game and that the Jags will score oodles of points against the shaky Titan defense. Red rarely bets the Shit Bowl but is making a big play on the over here at 43.   Jacksonville 32 Tennesee 25.

You’re a Mighty Fortress is Our God Pick of the Week: Dolphins over Cowboys. Red, you ask, “Don’t you have to pick another game to make up the weekly six-pack.” Well, Tommy, that’s technically correct, Red always picks at least six games and the occasional bonus game. But, Sammy, Red is tired this week and almost just dozed off writing this sentence. So where can Red turn when the other games are inducing a soporific state? Ah, Lonnie, Red can always turn to his unmitigated hate for the Cowboys to finish off this week’s picks. So, Jimmy, Red is going to pick the lowly Dolphins led by Lamar Miller who has almost single-handedly destroyed Red’s fantasy football teams this year. Let LM destroy the Cowboys for a change. And maybe next week Red will have to revise the Red Rule – but for now it stands at – Score 13 points and beat the Cowboys. Miami 13 Arlington 9.

Photo of Chuck Mills (left) coaching at Pomona College.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 10

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“I remember a discussion that several of us had with Tom Landry one afternoon. The subject was field position, a term you hear more frequently from college coaches than professional coaches. The concept of the game of football is attack and retreat, the same as war. The ultimate object is to capture the opponent=s goal, but a secondary consideration is keeping the ball as far as possible from your own goal line. Professional teams with their superior striking power are less cautious about field position, but no less concerned, as Landry was explaining. After taking some time to ferment his question, Harold Ratliff cornered Landry and asked, “Tell us, Tom, what you consider the best field position?” I looked at Landry. He didn’t need anyone to remind him to answer with care. He said, “Harold, I am personally attracted to my opponent’s one inch line.”

From Confessions of a Washed Up Sportswriter by Gary Cartwright.

And that my friends, was as close as Tom Landry ever came to telling a joke.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 2-4. For the season 36-18. Affect hangdog look.

Your Tom Landry Pick of the Week: Buccaneers over Cowboys. Red thinks this may be the most even match up of the entire season – at least on a statistical basis. Both teams are have similarly mediocre offenses ranking smack in the middle of the pack with equally inept passing games bolstered by reasonably strong running attacks. The main difference is the Buccaneers slightly less mediocre defense. But this game comes down to Red’s long hoped for desire to see an 8 game Cowboy losing streak. If they can just blow this one, then only one more game stands between Red and happiness. So once again, Red invokes the Red Rule (score 13 points and beat the Cowboys). It is hard to see how the Cowboys are not completely dead if they lose this one, but stranger things . . .   Red likes the under at 43.5.  Tampa Bay 20 Arlington 10.

Your One Inch Pick of the Week: Cardinals over Seahawks. The Cardinals are the most balanced team in the league so far. They have a top 3 offense and a top 3 defense. Only a slightly underperforming rushing game keeps them in check. About right now, Red is wondering why he did not pick the Cards to make the Superb Owl – especially in light of the troubles brewing in Northern Wisconsin. Meanwhile, this is as close to a must-win game as there is for the defending NFC Champion Seahawks. A loss and they are 3 full games behind the Cards with 7 to play. Not an impossible hill to climb, but definitely a demanding task for an underperforming offense that has scored almost 100 points less than the explosive Cardinal attack. Despite the seeming disparity, Red thinks this is Your NFL Game of the Week. Too close to call on the money line, but solid on the over at 44.5. Arizona 29 Seattle 28.

Your Field Position Pick of the Week: Bengals over Texans. Forgive Red for stating the obvious, but the undefeated Bengals are undefeated at home with a 4-0 record. The 3-5 Texans have an expected 1-3 road record having only beaten the Jags on the road. Yet, the Texans are still in the hunt in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South. The hunt is likely to come up empty as the Texans are looking at 3-5 in the second half of the season at best. Red just can’t see the Texans beating the Bengals, or the Patriots, or the Jets, or the Saints, or Bills, or the Colts for that matter. It was nice while it didn’t last.  Red is done with betting on Texans’ games. Cincinnati 35 Houston 17.

You’re Asinine Question Pick of the Week: Patriots over Giants. The question here is, “Red, how can the Giants possibly be 5-4 and leading their division when they have the worst defense in the entire NFL and a sub-par offense?” Well, Timmy, it’s called the “luck of the draw.” You see, Billy, the Giants play in the festering swamp that goes by the name of the NFC East Division. It is filled with teams led by megalomaniac owners, college coaches in over their heads, and quarterbacks that are, in the words of the eloquent fraternity of professional sportswriters, “really, really bad.” So Jimmy, even though the Giants are only 2-2 against the dregs of the NFL (see festering swamp supra) and have an offense that at times seems incapable of advancing the ball more than about ¾ of a yard at a time, they have managed to somehow score 247 points which ranks only behind the “real NFL teams” called the Patriots and the Cardinals. Thus Willy, Red believes that smoke and mirrors must be somehow involved in the Giants having actually won 5 games. That can work, Lenny, until you meet up with a team that smashes mirrors with a sledgehammer and puts sugar in the gas tank of your smoke machine. Red will take the Pats giving up 7 on the road and take it all day, every day, at least 3 times a day. New England 57 New Jersey 16.

Your Washed Up Sportswriter Pick of the Week: Packers over Lions. Somewhere on Red’s list was becoming a “Washed Up Sportswriter.” Unfortunately, this weekly ranting about NFL games is about as close as Red is ever going to make it. Red is somewhat mystified by the Packers 6-2 record – he would be more mystified if the Pack had not gotten slaughtered by what we call “Really Good Teams” in the Panthers and the Broncos the last two weeks. Other than beating a fast-fading Seahawks team in Week 2, the Packers really do not have a quality win yet this season and have yet to really dominate a game. So when they faced quality opposition coming off the “bye” week, it was not a real surprise that they stumbled. As it stands, the Pack has not won a game in almost a month, and that is just not something that fits well in to the order of Red’s universe. Take the Pack and given up whatever points you have to give up (probably at least 11), the Packers will be taking out a month’s worth of frustration on the hapless Lions. Green Bay 35 Detroit 16.

Your Dumbshit Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Ravens. Red keeps picking the Jags. The Jags keep losing. Red rewards the Jags by putting them in the Shit Bowl for the third time this season. Sixteen games these teams have played and 4 times they have emerged victorious. It really don’t get no shittier than that. Put the lock on the Glock and hide the key in a place you will forget before you dare to tune in to watch this beastly bowel battle, lest ye be tempted to empty a clip into your brand new 86 incher. Oh, you wanted Red to give you a recommendation so that you could bet on this one? Call Gamblers Anonymous right now. Jacksonville 17 Baltimore 13.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 9

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“”My assistant Jack Daniels and I actually destroy a cell phone every four months or so. Usually just the screen but I get it.”

Chris Long discussing Tom Brady destroying his cell phone after the Deflategate “Scandal” broke.

Red’s personal assistant simply goes by the name Oban. But some of his favorite Bourbon brands are listed below.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 34-14. Lick finger, touch ass, make sizzle sound.

Your Fighting Cock Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. Longtime readers (yeah both of them) will remember the Red Rule from past seasons. The RR is “score 13 points and beat the Cowboys.” Well, the RR is coming back into vogue. For the last 3 weeks the Cowboys have averaged exactly 12.666666666666 . . . points. Red likes irrational numbers in case you hadn’t guessed. Combine that offensive ineptitude with a 5 game losing streak and it adds up to a road win for the also struggling Eagles. The loser of this one is not dead – but will need life support even in the awful NFC East. Somehow the Cowboys are favored here. Take the Eagles and whatever points you can get.  Philadelphia 17 Arlington 11.

Your Rebel Yell Pick of the Week: Panthers over Packers. Your NFL Game of the Week features the formidable Packers going up against an undefeated team for the second week in a row and coming out on the short end. Red guesses that it has been many a long years since a team has had to face undefeated opponents on the road in weeks 8 and 9 of the season. Red looks for a wild shootout here and the over at 45.5 is Red’s NFL Bet of the Week. Carolina 39 Green Bay 35.

Your Wild Turkey Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Jets. Red has to walk out on the limb every once in a while or else this exercise just would not be very entertaining now would it? But there is a surprising amount of buzz over a matchup that no one would probably have seen as important at the beginning of the season. The Jets are sitting in the 6th playoff spot right now and the Jags are not out of contention in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (PEFPFD) that is the AFC South. If the Jags win and Colts lose as Red predicts, the Jags will be tied with the Texans for the lead in the AFC South at 3-5. And yes, you read that correctly. So this is a big game for both teams at midseason. Most signs favor the Jets. They have given up only 4 sacks all season and the Jags have no pass rush to speak of. If Fitzpatrick has time to throw, he is among the best in the league and finding open targets. And the Jags seem incapable of holding onto a 4th quarter lead. Unfortunately, none of that phases Red after a couple of shots of Wild Turkey liquor this morning. But don’t bet on this crapshoot.  Jacksonville 20 New Jersey 17.

You’re Early Times Pick of the Week: Stealers over Raiders. Red goes with triple-reverse time zone, magnetic field shift hex on this one to call it for the Stealers at home against a still viable Raiders that are on the playoff bubble right now. The Raiders have been surprisingly competitive against the Stealers winning the last two, but look for the Stealers to be hopping mad after blowing the Bengals game last week. Lil’ Carr best watch out. Big Ben wins this one on pure grit. Pittsburgh 19 Oakland 17.

Your Old Crow Pick of the Week: Broncos over Colts. It doesn’t seem to matter to the Broncos that they have PMS (that’s “Peyton Manning Starting” for you newcomers) despite his fairly awful performance so far this season. It has been clear that PMS can’t throw the ball more than 20 yards and isn’t making particularly good decisions. In addition, feature back CJ Anderson has been pretty much a bust. So why do the Broncos keep winning? Their incredible defense and highly respectable special teams. Why do the Colts keep losing? Luck has sucked, they have no running game and the defense is pitiful – really, Red actually pities their defense. PMS will likely carry the Broncos into a first round bye and then the whole thing will implode in a wave of acrimony and recriminations. But until then it is going to be quite a ride Broncos fans – so enjoy it while you can. Red takes the Broncos anywhere up to -5 and the over at 44.5.   Denver 35 Indianapolis 16.

Your Old Blowhard Pick of the Week: Chargers over Bears. This week features a rare Monday Night Shit Bowl. But a deserving pick as these two teams have 4 wins between them. Red is puzzled about the stench emanating from Southern California as there is no reasons for the Chargers to be this bad. Their high powered passing attack should be winning more games, but for the train wreck of a defense and mediocre running game. Meanwhile over in Ursaland, the rumblings are growing. You have an aging journeyman quarterback, an aging formerly excellent back, an apparent failure top to bottom organizationally and trust Red, heads are going to roll pretty soon. Even Vic Fangio who has done a decent job with the defense may see his noggin careening toward the parking lot before this season is over. Check out the NBA schedule before tuning into this shameful shit struggle – that is, unless your pain threshold is remarkably high. San Diego 35 Chicago 13.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 8

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“I’m 6-foot-7, a big black guy running down the middle of the field. … I wear white gloves so [quarterback Jay Cutler] can see the white gloves when I wave them like Mickey Mouse.” — Martellus Bennett

Red is a Daffy Duck man himself. Despicable.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 3-3. For the season 30-12. Red will never pick against the Patriots again – at least until he does.

Your Mickey Mouse Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Cowboys. “Hey Red, didn’t the Cowboys used to be somebody,” you ask. Well yes Jimmy, the Cowboys were once one of the NFL’s storied franchises. After a few struggling seasons beginning with the inaugural year in 1960 (sneak up behind an old Cowboys fan and shout “Eddie LeBaron” and watch him flinch), the Cowboys put up a record of almost unmatched excellence for about 30 years. Then Jerry Jones decided that he was the smartest man in football, ran off the best coach he would ever have, started to hire any felon that could hit somebody hard or go deep, and well, you know the rest of the story. More recently, the upstarts from the godforsaken wilds of the Northwest decided that, “Hey, we might be able to play football too” and started a fairly decent run with a 7-9 team that made the playoffs and actually won a game and then went on to win and lose a Superb Owl! But Timmy, things are not looking so good on the west coast either these days. Pete the Cheat hasn’t been able to brew up a good batch of his old-fashioned whip-ass tonic this season and the Seahawks are looking tired and old well before the expiration date. If the Seahawks don’t have enough left in the tank to finish off the hobbling Cowboys with Matt Cassel at the helm, then they may not even make the playoffs. Meanwhile Danny, the Cowboys are playing for time, hoping to not be in too big a hole when Romo and Dez return. And as bad as the NFC East is, the Cowboys will not be out of it with a 3-7 record. So Billy, while Red is typically an over guy, he kind of likes the under here at 41.  Seattle 17 Arlington 13.

Your Goofy Pick of the Week: Broncos/Packers Tie. It happens on average every 3 seasons. And by the way, this is your NFL game of the week. Which tells you it aint a very good week.  Broncos 35 Green Bay 35.

Your Donald Duck Pick of the Week: Patriots over Dolphins. Red could make a case for the Dolphins beating the Patriots, just like he tried to make a case for the Jets beating the Patriots last week. See how that worked out. So why bother? Take the Patriots giving up 8 at home on Thursday Night Football and flip a coin on the over/under at 51.5. It came up heads? Then the over it is. You’ll sweat this one out, but be glad you did. New England 35 Miami 25.

You’re Pluto Pick of the Week: Bengals over Stealers. Bengals are getting serious talk as possible Superb Owl contender. Beating the Stealers on the road will do nothing but ramp up that hype. Unfortunately, they do not play the Patriots so we lose our best chance at seeing a late-season matchup of undefeateds. If Bengals get over the Stealers hump, then it looks like they have the easiest road to a sure playoff spot with only the Cardinals, Broncos and the Stealers again at home as possible road bumps on the way to a division championship. Yes, Ben is back, but the Red Rifle and Gio take this one over for an easy win. Bengals cover any spread that you get.   Cincinnati 42 Pittsburgh 19.

Your Uncle Scrooge Pick of the Week: Titans over Texans. Actually, Bob McNair makes Uncle Scrooge look like a fricking genius. Bob has always followed the Clint Murchison/Cowboys model. The owner just hires folks and lets them do their job. Clint hired Tex Schramm and Tom Landry – both in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Bob has hired Bill-O the Clown and Rick Smith – both of whom may get to visit Canton if they don’t check ID’s at the door. Red is actually on the verge of giving up his official Texans’ fan status if things don’t improve soon. Things will not improve soon enough he fears. This one is a pick ‘em and Red will respectfully decline to do so. Red hopes he gets to see Mariota play in person for the first time since he destroyed the Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl in 2013.  Almost to close to call between these pathetic excuses for an NFL franchise, but here goes anyway. Texans find a new and imaginative way to lose.  Tennessee 21 Texans 20.

Your Pete is a Turd Pick of the Week: Ravens over Chargers. Red will go with the triple time zone with a Mediterranean to Mid-Atlantic climatological shift hex to pick the hapless Ravens to even things up with the almost as hapless Chargers. Red actually picked both of these teams to make the playoffs. Sorry about that. The coast to coast stench emanating from this awful anal Armageddon will spoil more than a few Sunday meals. Bet on this one only if you have a serious gambling addiction and need a cheap high. Baltimore 33 San Diego 24.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 7

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“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”

Mark Viduka

Just guessing that Mark didn’t score so well on the math portion of the SAT.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 27-9. Polite applause, thank you.

Red is going to have to be quick this week.

Your Losing Every Game Pick of the Week: Vikings over Lions. Sadly, we will not have an 0-16 team this season. Red believes that kind of purge is good for the collective soul of the league, kind of an exemplar of failure, a milepost of ineptitude, a glimpse into the bottomless abyss of failure. But the Lions were the last hope, so the best we can hope for now is 1-15, with maybe a 2-14 the most likely outcome. Vikings meanwhile are rounding towards mediocrity. Minnesota minus 2 is a good bet, if you having a serious gambling addiction and have to bet on a game that no one cares about. Minnesota 24 Detroit 17.

Your Big Loser Pick of the Week: Giants over Cowboys. Winner is at least in the passenger seat in the NFC East. Loser is getting drug behind the car over 2 miles of rough pavement. The Cowboys are rumored to actually have a professional quarterback ready to play. The Giants have a guy that has won 2 Superb Owls. You pick it. New Jersey 27 Arlington 19.

Your Winners Pick of the Week: Jets over Patriots. Yep, you are thinking – Red what the hell are you smoking now? Red’s high on the pure vapor coming off the Fitzpatrick express. Red thinks Fitz is having that career year and what better way to show it than to knock off the Champs in New England back home in front of some old Crimson men. Hey, you wanna toke? Red can’t feel his nose. At 48, take the over for a ride. New Jersey 42 New England 33.

You’re Math Major Pick of the Week: Falcons over Titans. Bet the over and the under, bet on the Falcons and the Titans, bet on the coin toss, bet on the number of holding penalties, bet on the number of missed field goals, bet on the punters, bet on anything that anyone will take a bet on, but just bet. Bet on Red not giving a rat’s ass about who wins this one.  Atlanta 17 Tennessee 3.

Your Why Bother Pick of the Week: Texans over Dolphins. Not often does the Shit Bowl feature two teams coming off wins, but Red has to shake things up every now and then. Hard rain predicted for Casa Red on Sunday and he might just go sit on the porch and get soaked rather than watch this turgid turd tussle. Houston 29 Miami 24 Pittsburgh 21.

Your Red is Out of Ideas Pick of the Week: Eagles over Panthers. Panthers do not deserve to be undefeated. ‘Nuff said. Take the Eagles and 3. Oh yeah, and this is your NFL Game of the Week. Philadelphia 38 Carolina 35.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 6

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Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

“Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen, soccer is a gentlemen’s game played by beasts and US football is a beastly game played by beasts.”

Henry Blaha

Then what the hell is Australian Rules Football?

Red Rates Himself – Last week 5-1. For the season 23-7. Breathe on knuckles, rub on chest.

Your Beast of the East Pick of the Week: Patriots over Colts. Betting against the Patriots right now is like hitting on 19 when the dealer is showing a 10. You are going to lose. A team that makes LaGarrette Blount (aka the Fat Pig) look like a Pro-Bowl running back has so many tricks under the hoodie that you can’t even begin to imagine what they might pull out next. Meanwhile, the Colts may just have to be considering whether Matt Hasselbeck might be the answer to making this season relevant in the downbeat AFC South. So far the 40-year old husband of Fox & Friends star Elizabeth Hasselbeck (and if you haven’t watched Fox & Friends you are missing out on some great comedy as it features 2 of the stupidest people to ever appear on TV – but Red digresses) has been a better player than A. Luck, but Red doubts that Tony the Pagan would have the nerve to make that call. Well, this week it doesn’t matter. The Patriots are rolling along and the Colts are just another bump in the road. Red would take the Pats if they were giving away 20 – at minus 7.5 it seems like a no-brainer and that is when you have to watch out. The over is a hefty 55 which may be the largest number all season and to be avoided on principle. New England 44 Indianapolis 13.

Your Bigfoot Pick of the Week: Panthers over Seahawks. Loyal readers know that Red rarely ignores the triple reverse time zone, inverse latitudinal hex factor at work against the Panthers this week. But, rules are made to be broken. Red picked the Seahawks to make the playoffs but they are playing scared right now. There is no way the Panthers (even at 5-0) should win this one, but they appear to be in the running for Red’s 2015 “Team of Destiny”. If that don’t jinx ‘em nothing will. Red won’t touch this one, but hypothetically he would take Panthers plus 7 and seriously consider the under at 41. Carolina 19 Seattle 17.

Your King Kong Pick of the Week: Bengals over Bills. Another decent candidate for NFL Game of the Week and tops on Red’s personal viewing list this week. Red Rifle has another chance to show his chops against yet another vaunted defense. If the Bengals win this one and RR looks even halfway decent, he will started getting some run in the elite QB conversation. The way Red looks at it – if Tony Romo is elite then how is the Red Rifle not? Bills defense is still troublesome, but the offense is merely troubled. Who starts this week with Taylor possibly out? Red doesn’t like the Bengals giving up 3.5. Paradoxically, Red doesn’t’ like the Bills getting 3.5. You figure it out. Cincinnati 27 Buffalo 24.

You’re Gargantuan Pick of the Week: Titans over Dolphins. Among the many candidates for this week’s Shit Bowl, but still unworthy. Mariota all but disappeared in last week’s loss to Buffalo but still had 100 yards more passing than Taylor (187 to 76). The Titans are coming off of two losses by a total of three points – so the 1-3 record is a bit deceiving. There is nothing deceiving about the abysmal Dolphins who are bad on both sides of the ball and have no running game. Titans must win this one to keep pace with the rest of the god-awful AFC South – a task which resembles keeping up with a two-legged dog. Red will take the over at 43.  Tennessee 29 Miami 21.

Your Chupacabra Pick of the Week: Cardinals over Stealers. This is your surprising NFL Game of the Week. Other than the blowout win against the Niners, the Stealers have been down to the wire in every game this season with each game decided by a score or less. On the other hand, except for the close loss to the Rams, the Cards have been spanking every team they have faced winning by an average of 25 points.   The Stealers won’t let that happen, but will struggle to keep up with the high-flying Cardinals offense.   With tired old Michael Vick under center, the Stealers must rely on Le’Veon Bell to carry the ball 35 times and eat some clock. He is certainly capable of doing that – even against the Cards outstanding defense. But it won’t be enough. The Cards have just enough to overcome a pesky Stealers team playing for a wildcard berth. Red likes Cardinals giving up 3 on the road, but won’t touch the over/under at 44.5. Arizona 26 Pittsburgh 21.

Your Gog and Magog Pick of the Week: Texans over Jaguars. This week’s Shit Bowl could have gone to so many games with deserving entrants – Titan/Dolphins, Ravens/Niners, Bears/Lions, to name a few. But the Texans and the Jaguars get the dishonor this week. The Texans keep finding ways to lose no matter who is guiding the ship. Past and future starter Brian Hoyer relieved the hapless Ryan Mallett last week, and even rallied the troops before throwing an awful last minute pick to sink the Texans ship against the struggling Colts. And what can you say about the Jags – who started their franchise like a house on fire making the playoffs in 4 of their first 5 seasons, played for two AFC Championships, but who have not posted a winning record since 2007. If the Texans can’t get a win here, pack it in and play for the No. 1 pick – again. Red would be a fool to recommend any bets here. Lock up the guns and ammo lest ye be tempted to blow a hole in the brand new 65 incher at the two minute warning of this pathetic poop party. Houston 19 Jacksonville 14.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

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“Football is not a contact sport; it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a good example of a contact sport.”

Duffy Daugherty

Apparently, Duffy never went into the mosh pit.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 4-2. For the season 18-6.

Your Fox(boro)trot Pick of the Week: Patriots over Cowboys. Okay, this game is actually in Arlington, but it might as well be in the friendly confines of Foxboro as far as the Patriots are concerned. The Patriots seem to be untouchable right now and Red expects that to last for another 4 or 5 games before they start to come back to earth. The Cowboys on the other hand have so many problems that Red doesn’t know where to start or how to stop grinning. If Red’s Texans are going to stink, the smell is slightly assuaged by an even bigger odor wafting down from the Metroplex. Don’t over analyze this one. The Pats are just better than everyone else right now and will lose only if they beat themselves. The Pats have been scoring at will, but at 49.5, Red likes the under this week. New England 31 Arlington 13.

Your Texas Two-Step Pick of the Week: Colts over Texans. This is painful for Red, but he has to call them as he sees them. As weak and pathetic as the Colts look(1-3), as sorry as A. Luck has been (31st in Total QB Rating ahead of only Alex Smith), as tired and old as Andre Johnson looks (0 receptions in last 2 games), as porous their bottom-tier defense looks (27th ranked), as non-existent as their rushing attack seems (more fumbles than touchdowns), and as ready for the picking as they will ever be, Red still can’t go there in the face of a Texans team that just plain sucks right now. Maybe Arian Foster will come around, maybe quarterback play will be acceptably mediocre, maybe the once-vaunted defense will show some spine, maybe the loss of the number 2 and 3 receivers won’t kill the passing attack, but that is a lot of maybes for a team that is lost in the woods.  This is a Pick ‘Em right now. Red picks the Colts. Indianapolis 13 Houston 9.

Your Do the Hustle Pick of the Week: Giants over 49ers. This week’s triple-forward time zone hex game is an easy pick even without the latent longitudinal bias working in favor of the Giants. The Niners are last in the league in passing offense. The NFL is a passing league. ‘Nuff said. Still Red wouldn’t touch Giants minus 7 with a 100 yard pole. New Jersey 27 Santa Clara 10.

You’re It Takes Two to Tango Pick of the Week: Bengals over Seahawks. Bengals want to play with the big boys – well, they get their chance this week. Red Rifle desperately needs a big game in a big game against a big time opponent. Check, check, check. Red calls the Bengals eking one out in the NFL Game of the Week. When the Bengals win this one, watch out – Red will call the Bengals to go 13-3 and may have to file an amended pre-season Superb Owl prediction. Cincinnati 29 Seattle 27.

Your Pennsylvania Polka Pick of the Week: Eagles over Saints. Saints proved they could beat a crippled Cowboys team last week. This week they face an Eagles squad that may finally be getting some legs underneath it.   A Chip Kelly team is not going to remain in the bottom quartile of NFL offenses for the entire season. This could be the break out game. However, if the Eagles cannot beat the Saints at home, then watch out, the whiskey bottles will be flying in Philly. It’s a hefty 49.5, but take the over, over, over. Philadelphia 45 New Orleans 27.

Your Can-Can Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Buccaneers. This week’s Shit Bowl feature two regular denizens of these Foul Floridian Fecal Fights. Who will stink worse this week, Blake Bortles or Jameis Winston? Red can only feign interest for so long.   Child proof the house lest ye be tempted to add some Drano to your Margarita to end the misery if you dare watch more than 5 minutes of this one. Jacksonville 17 Tampa Bay 13.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 4

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“However, there are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team’s goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the football occasionally.”

Alfred Hitchcock.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 6-0. For the season 14-4. Boy Howdy!

Your North by Northwest Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Lions. Matt Stafford better strap ‘em on tight for this one. Seahawks feast on immobile overrated quarterbacks who are 0-3 and desperate. Seattle has a chance to right the ship and post at least a 2-2 mark against the NFC North. Even with the Beast possibly out, the Hawks have just enough offense in the tank to win what may be a closer than expected match-up of two underperforming teams. All that said it would not particularly surprise or displease Red to see Pete’s Pack at 1-3 and looking at a long difficult road to January. Stick with the under on this one. Seattle 13 Detroit 10.

Your Suspicion Pick of the Week: Raiders over Bears. Is it wrong for Red to pick on the Bears for an easy one in the “W” column every week? Yeah, but remember that Red has been on the Raiders bandwagon since the beginning of the season. Latavius Murray is looking like an All-Pro so far and the Lil’ Carr-Amari Cooper connection is working well enough to have the Raiders in the playoff hunt already. Those are words that not a lot of your professional prognosticators are willing to throw around just yet. Red aint scared. Meanwhile, Bears could hardly look worse having been outscored more than 2-1 in their first three games while posting a mighty four touchdowns. Look for the Raiders to mop the field with the Bears on Sunday. Oakland 33 Chicago 6.

Your Psycho Pick of the Week: Jaguars over Colts. Needs no explanation. Jacksonville 17 Indianapolis 6.

You’re The Wrong Man Pick of the Week: Chargers over Browns. Reports are that 3 Browns players were complaining that John F. Football should be the starting QB. Reports also are that 50 other players vehemently disagree. JFF is definitely your man if you have a couple of wide receivers who can pluck his thrown up for grabs wounded ducks out of the air against an also-ran secondary. McCown is your man if you like consistent mediocrity and semi-competent game management. In other words, for the Clowns it doesn’t really matter who is taking snaps. Meanwhile in Chargerland, if their offense can’t exploit the Browns awful defense at home in the balmy warmth of Southern California, it’s going to be a long cold season. San Dieago 34 Cleveland 13.

Your Foreign Correspondent Pick of the Week: Jets over Dolphins. Red would like to see a game at Wembly someday, but he hopes it will be a Champions League Final with Barcelona and Tottenham Hotspur, not this week’s Shit Bowl (Red admits that he is uncertain exactly how to translate Shit Bowl into English English). Don’t let this one interrupt your Sunday morning coffee and bagel. Resist the temptation to pour that cup of hot joe over your head before you switch over at half-time to watch the Arsenal-Man U match on NBCSN. Wake Red up when this doleful dung duel is over. New Jersey 24 Miami 21.

You’re Notorious Pick of the Week: Falcons over Texans. Last week Red commented that if he kept picking the Texans he will eventually get it right. Well he did, but Red isn’t pushing his luck on backing the Texans. Falcons are looking very real and the Texans aren’t the type of team that exposes the underlying falsity of a pretender. Julio Jones is on track to be MVP – except that if he stays on that track – the award will go to Matty Ice. That’s just the way it is in the NFL. Texans’ defense continues to disappoint in all categories except perhaps giving up stupid touchdowns. That won’t do it against the high-flying Falcons.  Atlanta 32 Houston 17.

Red is not picking the Cowboys/Saints game this week because Las Vegas has pulled the line. If the pros won’t pick it, then neither will Red.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 3

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“You never lose a game if the opponent doesn’t score.”   Darrell Royal.

Thanks, Daddy D. We’ll file that in the almost a tautology column.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 3-3. For the season 8-4.

Your Never Lose Pick of the Week: Patriots over Jaguars. Every year some wretched excuse for an NFL franchise digs deep into their hip pads and pulls out a win over a team they have no business beating. Unfortunately for the Jaguars, this is not that week. There will be no – On Any Given Week – inspirational speech after this one. Red does believe that the Jags are going to better than predicted. But the most we can say this week is, “That on any given week the Patriots are likely as not to kick ass and take names.” New England 42 Jacksonville 27.

Your Don’t Score Pick of the Week: Raiders over Browns. An unlikely candidate for Red’s NFL Game of the Week – but here it is. JFF against Lil’ Carr. JFF can be successful if he has receivers that can go up and pull up for grabs throws out of the air. Oh wait, this just in – 36 year-old journeyman Josh McCown to start on Sunday for Browns. Red feels better about this pick already. Raiders will not make the playoffs but they will be hanging around for a long while and surprising a lot of folks – including Browns’ fans this weekend. Oakland 33 Cleveland 30.

Your Texas Long- Something or Another Pick of the Week: Falcons over Cowboys. Some claim the Falcons are the surprise team of the league so far. Not Red. He had them coming out of the box strong and hanging on to win a weak-kneed NFC South. For Red, the Cowboys are the surprise team – surprised that they keep getting handed wins. Don’t expect the Falcons to fail to show up for 3 quarters like the Giants and Eagles. Oh, and throw in the fact that Romo and Bryant are out – while the Falcons seem remarkably healthy – and it is hard to see Das Boys keeping this one close. Expect the Falcons to dominate possession – which might be the best thing that could happen to a Cowboy offense looking for a grip. One thing is for certain, barring a tie there will be one fewer undefeated team on Monday. Atlanta 29 Arlington 10.

Your Daddy “D” Stands for Dump Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Bears. Since this is the week’s only matchup of winless teams, it is by default this week’s Shit Bowl. Plus, it’s just fun to put the reigning NFC champions in the Shit Bowl. This one could get ugly or perhaps, Red should say, uglier. Don’t give into temptation and turn on a rerun of Sex in the City. No. You have to stick it out and watch every play of this turgid turd tussle. Seattle 24 Chicago 3.

Your Double D Pick of the Week: Broncos over Lions. Red really needs to stop picking against home teams, but he just can’t here. The Lions appear to be in disarray on offense with a complete inability to move the ball on the ground. Red challenges you to name a Lions running back. Hmmm, Red thought so. On the other hand, the Broncos offensive line is pathetic and ol’ PMS can’t get hit like he did last week and end up spending the rest of the season hanging of Kubiak’s shoulder on the sidelines telling him what play he should be calling. For the PMS fans out there – I know who you are – don’t miss this game. With the bruising front 7 the Lions have it could be the last of PMS you will see for a while. Did Red just talk himself out of picking the Broncos. Well, not quite. Denver 27 Detroit 20.

You’re Who I am Kidding Pick of the Week: Texans over Buccaneers. Red figures if he keeps picking the Texans he will eventually get it right. Probably not a winning strategy. But if the Texans stink, the putrid odor of the Bucs isn’t far behind. This really should be this week’s Shit Bowl, but rules are rules. Texans win when their defense gets on the board. They do it this weekend. Offense does enough to not lose this one – but just barely.  Houston 21 Jacksonville 20.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 2

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“In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Red knows that ol’ JPS was talking about that other football, but you have to admit that his insight is fairly universal for the world of team sports. And only Red mixes French existential philosophy with a good old-fashioned slobberknocker.

Your Opposite Pick of the Week: Raiders over Ravens. Raiders looked weak and pathetic in losing to Bengals at home last week. And Ravens were not much better against Broncos. Red’s antipathy for Flacco Joe is well known. But even still, Ravens should be a clear favorite against a once proud Raiders franchise that has set marks for futility for more than a decade. Red knew the Raiders were bad, but was surprised that they have not had a winning season since losing the 2002 Superb Owl to the Buccaneers. That’s a long downhill slide. What is overlooked is that the Raiders were 3-3 in their last 6 games in 2014. And that was with the overrated Derek Carr at the helm. Ravens can’t overcome triple reverse time zone hex combined with West Coast spiritual adjustment factor. The long slow climb back to respectability for the Raiders begins this week. Oakland 24 Baltimore 21.

Your It’s Complicated Pick of the Week: Packers over Seahawks. Clearly Red’s Game of the Week in northern Wisconsin featuring the class of the NFC. This early season rematch of the NFC Championship game has all the bells and whistles. A top flight offense for the Packers, what was thought to be an excellent defense for the Seahawks, mutual dislke, a grudge match atmosphere and a national TV audience in the coveted Sunday night spot. Which makes it a tough call. The Seahawks seems addicted to making bad calls at the end of games. They do it again Sunday when PC calls for a blitz and Rodgers makes them pay with a last second TD to win a close one. Green Bay 31 Seattle 28.

Your French Philosopher Pick of the Week: Titans over Browns. The first matchup of Heisman Trophy winners this season. Will there be another – Red doesn’t have time to do everything for you. Just enjoy this one. Tennesee 24 Cleveland 13.

Your Dirty Hands Pick of the Week: Patriots over Bills. The Bills are a sexy pick right now, but keep in mind that this is a Rex Ryan coached team going up against the filthy master. In other words, don’t get too excited. Belichick went 9-4 against Jets teams coached by Ryan from 2009-2014. Brady, however, was sub-par against Ryan defenses with a 59.1 QBR against the Jets over that period. Lord knows what ol’ Hoody is cooking up for this weekend, but expect him to serve it fresh and hot to the Bills. New England 41 Orchard Park 17.

Your No Exit Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. Bradford almost passed the test of fire on Sunday night. For a couple of drives he showed what can happen when Chip Kelly’s offense is clicking. And then when it really counted he yutzed on his cleats. Meanwhile, the Cowboys escaped with their lives on Sunday night thanks to some embarrassingly awful clock management by the Giants. Don’t expect the Eagles to make those mistakes. Eagles pound out 175 rushing yards and sweep aside the Cowboys rather easily. Philadelphia 35 Arlington 17.

You’re The Flies Pick of the Week: Texans over Panthers. The Texans make what is likely to be the first of many regular appearances this season in the weekly Shit Bowl against a troubled Panthers team. Word is that Ryan Mallett will replace much-maligned Brian Hoyer as the Texans’ helm. Without an effective running game until the return of Arian Foster, the Texans have turned to a big man with a big arm and hopefully not a big propensity for throwing up a duck farm. Red admits he liked Hoyer and clearly the loss to the Chiefs was not all on him last week – but when a team only has to go 20 yards because of turnovers, well something was going to change. Panthers still have a steady leader in Newton, but the defensive front has never lived up to the hype. Fight off the urge to give yourself a swirly during the 2 minute warning if you dare to watch this malignant merd match. Houston 18 Carolina 13.