Tag Archives: Football

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 11

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Well Red was 3-3 for the week and running in place at 24-27 for the week.  Red will not bet against the Saints again.  He did call the Titans upset over the Patriots – so take that.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chiefs over Rams.  Well sometimes it just speaks for itself.  This one needs no hype.  Two 9-1 teams (with both losses having come against stiff competition) roll into Estadio Azteca on del noche del proximo Lunes for this mid-season AFC/NFC marquee showdown.  The winner gets bragging rights and an inside track to a top playoff seed (the Rams need some help in that regard).  Red isn’t sure when there last was an AFC/NFC matchup of this caliber this late in the season.  These are the two top scoring offenses in the league and unless the turf in Mexico City is just awful, the Mexican faithful can expect a fireworks show extraordinaire.  Yes, Red knows that sometimes this turns into a tight defensive struggle, but he just can’t see it here with all the weapons that Mahomes and Goff have at their disposal guiding by two coaches who do not believe in holding their fire.  This could last a while so load up on the guacamole and nachos and enjoy the fiesta.  Red sticks with his Superb Owl favorite in this one.  Kansas City 48 Los Angeles 40.  Update:  Game moved to LA – Red sticks with his original call.

Your National TV Game of the Week –  Bears over Vikings.  Sunday night is overshadowed by the explosive Monday night game between the Chiefs and Rams.  Still this is a good matchup between two teams fighting for the NFC North lead going into the home stretch.  Although Red doesn’t see either of these teams factoring two much into the playoffs, this is still a big game that could decide this division.  Definitely worth watching and please God – let there be snow on Sunday night in the Windy City.  Red is ready for an old fashioned blizzard game.  Alas, there is a chance for light snow on Saturday.  Chicago 17 Minnesota 14.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Packers over Seahawks.  The 4-5 Seahawks seem to be appearing in a lot of Your DGOTW’s this season – and rightfully so.  The only question Red has is – why no one seems to talk about a “hot seat” for Pete the Cheat.  Maybe if he loses this one, the old rocking chair will be at least tepid.  Meanwhile, the Packers at 4-4-1 are the very picture of disappointment.  Ennui reigns this week as the winner keeps slim playoff hopes alive while the loser looks into the abyss of six more meaningless weeks of pain.  Green Bay 24 Seattle 17.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over OTNAs.  Even if Red believed in Alex Smith, Adrian Peterson and the rest of the OTNA crew, he could never pick them to win this game or almost any game that wasn’t against the Cowboys.  Yes the OTNAs are one of the biggest surprises of the year coming into this game at 6-3 leading the NFC East.  But keep in mind that the OTNAs have scored exactly 176 points this season (that’s less than half of what the Chiefs have totaled) and given up 175.  Talk about your smoke and mirrors!   And what is truly amazing is that the OTNAs have scored fewer points than any team in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (“PEFPFD”) that is the NFC East.  Yes the Giants have scored more points (well one more point) than the OTNA’s.  On the other hand, the Texans have to be the biggest in-season resurrection surprise so far.  From 0-3 to 6-3 is no easy feat even against mediocre competition.  Red thinks the Texans resurgent defense keeps this one close enough for the Texans to eke out a win on the road.  Braves take the wrong warpath and end up in Delaware.  Houston 24 Landover, MD 19.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – on Hiatus – Your Kick Ass Game of the Week – Falcons over Cowboys.  This is the game most likely to turn into the dreaded field goal fest of yore.  Atlanta 18 Arlington 9.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Cardinals over Raiders.  Well folks, it doesn’t get any smellier than this one.  In fact, the fumes from this one are already driving Red to distraction and away from the old keyboard.  Red thinks you will be entirely justified in unloading two shells from your Browning Superposed 20 gauge into the old 54 incher before halftime of this beastly BM battle.  Even the emaciated and staggering ghost of Dead Al Davis can no longer complain at this point.  The Gruden Raiders are a joke.  Just make sure the wife and kids are off at the movies.  Arizona 10 Oakland 0.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 9

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Red was unavoidably called to other duty and had to skip Week 8.  Normally Red only allows himself one ‘bye’ week, but sometimes life gets in the way.

So for Week 7, Red actually picked 8 games with a bonus 3 game Shit Bowl selection. Red managed to eke out a 4-4 record after having foolishly bet against the Patriots and non so foolishly the Texans and the Colts.  That makes Red 16-22 for the season.  Don’t head to Vegas just yet.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chargers over Seahawks.  Two teams enter.  One team leaves.  Well, both teams leave.  But only one team leaves feeling good about its prospects going into the second half of the season.  In a common theme this week, the Chargers only losses are to the Rams and Chiefs which puts them in good company.  Other than that they have beaten the weaklings (Browns, Raiders, Niners, Bills) and not very convincingly (with the exception of the beat down on the Browns).  So is this a good team, or one looking for a place to fall?  The Seahawks are more of a mixed bag with a fairly lame offense and the standard loss to the Rams.  So this is your typical mid-season battle between two wannabe teams that need a win to stay competitive in their respective divisions which are headed by the two first-half powerhouses of the league.  That’s what makes this one the GOTW.  Enjoy the fireworks.  Los Angeles 34 Seattle 28.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Broncos.  The additions of Demaryius Thomas helps assuage the loss of Will Fuller V for the season but we all knew that was going to happen at some point.  Unfortunately, the very talented Mr. Fuller cannot avoid the annual season-ending injury.  On another note, just call Red gob-smacked that the Texans have managed to win five in a row after starting 0-3 with losses to the sad sack Giants and Titans.  Meanwhile in the Mile High State, the Broncos have played a relatively tough schedule reasonably well.  The losses to the Chiefs, Rams and Chiefs again are totally understandable.  But other than the season opener against the Seahawks they have yet to beat a good team – and calling the Seahawks a good team is a bet of stretch right now.  Calling the Texans a good team is likewise premature, but a win on the road and a 6-3 record speaks for itself.  If that happens.  Red won’t be surprised at the outcome either way, but slightly favors the Texans coming off a long rest week.  Houston 24 Denver 20.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Patriots over Packers.  Red has bet against the Patriots one too many times this season.  He sees no reason to think that the Packers can stroll into Foxboro and beat a team that has a certain game plan, never panics and doesn’t make many mistakes.  In fact, it is hard to fathom exactly how the Pats have lost two games – to the Jaguars and Lions no less.  Meanwhile a 3-3-1 record is not going over well with the Packers patrons.  And 3-4-1 will be even less palatable at the half-way point of what appears to be another lost season.  Well at least you might not have Scott Walker to kick around anymore.  New England 31 Green Bay 20.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Stealers over Ravens.  There was a point in time when this was a game to look forward to.  Alas, no more.  Mediocrity reigns in the AFC Central and both teams exemplify mediocrity at the half pole.  Watch if you must, but don’t say Red didn’t warn you.  Pittsburgh 28 Baltimore 17.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Saints over Rams.  This really should be the GOTW GOTW but it was the only game this week featuring a team (Rams) to play at least two time zones away.  Anyway, few teams make it through the season unscathed.   The Rams sit at 8-0 by virtue of blowing out the weak sisters (Raiders, Niners, Cardinals) and scoring just enough to beat the better teams by no more than one score (Packers, Broncos, Seahawks, Vikings).  The 3 wins against the lamest of the lame were by a total of 83 points.  In contrast the 4 wins over real competition were by a total of 14 points.   The only anomaly is their 12 point win over what appears to be a damn good Chargers team.  That’s what really good teams do – roll and smoke the smokeable and win the close ones.  The Saints have played a tougher schedule to date with only the NY Football Patsies as a weak link and sit at 6-1 having reeled off six wins after the wild 48-40 opening loss to the Buccaneers.  The slight time zone inverse humidity hex combined with the friendly confines of the Superdome may make the difference here as the Saints faithful will be whipped into a frenzy by the prospect of knocking off the clear NFC favorite so far.  This one goes down to the wire. New Orleans 43 Los Angeles 38. 

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Raiders over 49ers.  A real no-brainer this week as the Battle of the Bay is more like the Battle of the Bowl (Toilet Bowl that is).  The Raiders and Niners have combined to lose 13 games, a starting quarterback, the best defensive player in the league, a stand-out wide receiver, their last shreds of dignity, respect and the interest of fans.   So what a Thursday night treat!  Actually this game is what Thursday night football is all about – putting up a game on National TV that hard core football junkies will watch no matter how shitty the on-field product actually is.  So hats off to the NFL front office for pulling this one over on a gullible population.  Remember to turn off the car engine if you happen to be listening to this beastly bowel battle on the old AM Radio when pulling into your three car garage, lest ye be tempted to sit there and put an end to your football watching misery.  Oakland 3 Santa Clara 2.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 7

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As they round the far turn, Red was 2-4 for the week, 10 lengths off the pace, and now in a 12-18 hole for the season.  This week 6-0 for sure!  Red never says “die”  – an expression which has never made much sense to him anyway.

Notes from last week: 

At the end of the Chiefs-Patriots game, the Chiefs players were walking off the field looking like – “Yep, we can play with these guys!” The Pats were looking like “Thank god we survived that onslaught!”   Red originally predicted a Stealer/Chiefs AFC Championship game – but it is looking more and more like the Pats will be there.

The Cowboys offense just had their one good game of the season.  Meanwhile, the Jaguars have to be wondering what happened to their defense after getting smoked two weeks in a row.

The Texans were lucky to survive yet again and would be leading the AFC South but for an inexplicable loss to the sad sack Giants.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bears over Patriots.  Given the massive turnover in rosters within 2-3 years for your average NFL team, Red puts no stock in ancient football history.  But even so the Bears have not beaten the Patriots in forever.  Actually, the Bears did win in 2000 in the pre-Brady era (it seems so long ago now) but since whipping the Pats in Superb Owl XX, the Bears are 1-7 against the Pats.  And despite misgivings, Red simply thinks the Bears are due.  They certainly are smarting after getting beat by the Dolphins and much-maligned QB Brock Osweiler.  The venom on Houston Sports Talk Radio regarding said BO two seasons later is still somewhat disconcerting – after all the guy did steer the team to one of your glorious franchise’s three ever playoff wins.  But Red digresses.  Despite last week, the Bears have a good defense and look for Khalil Mack and gang to be putting serious pressure on the timeless wonder.  The Bears score just enough points to win a close one.  Chicago 20 New England 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Bengals.  This could be the GOTWGOTW but Red is a little tired of hyping the Andy Reid Hour starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce.  It’s the hit series of the Fall so far.  And the Chiefs get another Sunday night slot to show the NFL exactly how explosive this offense really is.  Bengals are still the big surprise of the season so far – notwithstanding the inexplicable breakdown against the Stealers last week.  No breakdowns needed this week.  Mahomes is back on again because if he isn’t throwing four TDs a game it’s an off week.  Red Rifle and crew make a valiant effort to keep up against a Chiefs defense that has yet to learn the valuable art of tackling.  Kansas City 45 Cincinnati 39.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Jaguars over Texans.  Texans have done yeomanlike work in getting back to 3-3 after a pathetic start.  But yeomanlike probably doesn’t get it against a Jaguars defense that is either confused and lost or angry and looking to get even.  Red is betting on the latter this week and woe be to Deshaun Watson if Red is right.  He will not last the season at the rate Bill O’ Clown is using up his nine lives.  If Red were running the show, he would write this one off and sacrifice Brandon Weeden to the lions (or their close cousins) this week.  The Texans have seven winnable games on the schedule after this one before closing with tough matchups against the Eagles and Jags again.  That could put you at 9-7 which might win the division or 10-6 which almost certainly will.  Think about it Billy.  The Texans might even be able to win with Weeden if Blake Bortles is not having one of his five weeks of the season where he actually resembles a real NFL quarterback.  Red just hopes that Watson makes it through in one piece.  Jacksonville 24 Houston 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Ravens over Saints.  The irresistible force meets the unmovable object here.  That’s a problem Red could never solve and does not make for exciting football.  Ravens defense wins the day. It’s close but not exciting.  Baltimore 17 New Orleans 16.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Titans.  Some think that the Chargers have the nads to compete with the Chiefs and win the AFC West.  Some still believe in Santa Claus.  Don’t get Red wrong, the Chargers are good – especially for a team with no home field advantage and 37 fans on a good Sunday.  It’s just kind of sad that great careers like those of Phillip Rivers and LaDanian Tomlinson went to the Chargers to die.  But this week the possibility of glory is still alive because just right now the Titans are pathetic.  Marcus M. was sacked 11 times last week – Yep, 11 times!  All this while completing a mere 10 passes.  So while the Chargers really don’t need a triple time zone reverse hillbilly factor hex this week over a sadly inept Titans’ offense, it sure won’t hurt.  This will be a good old fashioned butt-whipping.  Los Angeles 42 Tennessee 10.

This Week’s Shit Bowl –    There is a plethora of choices this week’s excruciating excrement exhibition.  Just to let you in on a little of the Inside Baseball that goes on here at ParadiseinHell.net, the Shit Bowl is typically awarded to the teams with the most combined losses – unless of course there is a team of historic ineptitude (typically in past years the Browns) playing a team with a decent record.  So if the 0-15 Browns are playing a 10-5 Ravens team, the 20 losses might not qualify the game for the Shit Bowl if there are two “going-nowhere in a hurry” 6-9 teams butting heads.  This early in the season that is not usually a problem.  But this week we have three matchups between teams with a combined 9 losses.  Bills/Colts, Broncos/Cardinals and Giants/Falcons.  A veritable brown feast of ineptitude.  So just for you Red is calling all three.  Bills should have won last week and do so this week against a horrible Colts outfit.  Broncos are bad but good enough to beat a team so bad that even Sam Bradford can’t hold down a job.  And while the Falcons seemed to have joined the Flat Earth Society and fallen off the edge, they should be able to beat a Giants franchise clinging to its last shreds of dignity.  But please, please put away all the painkillers before you sit down to watch this parade of football futility lest ye be tempted to put an end to it all before halftime.  Bills 24 Colts 19. Broncos 9 Cardinals 6 and Falcons 42 Giants 21. 

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 5

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Well, Week 4 was purtnear a total disaster for old Cousin Red.  He went 1-5 with only his undying faith in the Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes being rewarded.  Colts’ offensive coordinator Frank Reich handing the game to the Texans in OT didn’t help either.  Nor did the Cowboys offense actually coming to life – sort of.  Or the Patriots remembering that they were the Patriots.  Excuses, excuses.  Anyhow, that brings Red down to 6-12 for the season – “Stop digging boys!”

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chiefs over Jaguars.  If the Andy Reid show (starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce and the Sad Sack Defense) can put up 35 points against the vaunted Jaguars defense, then as Keith Jackson used to say – “Katy bar the door!”  The Chiefs may be unstoppable.  They certainly are resilient as they looked all but dead until a crushing fourth quarter rally left the Broncos wondering “What just happened here?”  Chiefs don’t need such heroics this week.  Jags chase PM to no avail and cannot score enough points to keep up despite the Chiefs defensive inepitutude.  Chiefs 35 Jacksonville 25.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Cowboys.  Red doesn’t really have much choice this week here.  Does he pick the underperforming Texans or the hated Cowboys?  Texans also rallied against the sad sack Colts to eke out a gifted victory in OT on the road.  That cannot hurt, but it may not help much either.  Bill O’ the Clown is doing his best Jeff Fischer impersonation this season in taking what should be a relatively talented team and turning them into a loosing snoozefest.  Meanwhile the Cowboys broke out of a scoring slump – aided by the Lions’ ineptitude (something that can never be overrated).  Still the Boys are averaging a near league worst 16.8 points per game.  But given the Texans complete inability to stop the run or the pass (unless there is a sack and please dear God, let there be sacks), Red expects the Cowboys to score a bit more than average this week.  Will it be good enough?  Red would ramble on a bit more, but it’s time to piss on the proverbial fire and call this one. Houston 21 Arlington 19. 

Your National TV Game of the Week – Eagles over Vikings.  Eagles are a major disappointment so far but with Ajayi back in the fold and Carson Wentz getting warmed up, the Eagles offense should be following the lead of Guitar Steve Miller (that would be “Fly Like an Eagle” for those of you born after 1980 – and if you are bored go to one of those websites where people tell you how they misunderstood lyrics and put in Fly Like and Eagle – then sit back and guffaw – “Shoot the children with no shoes on their feet.”)  Okay, this is supposed to be about football.   Vikings defense is moving to the top of the heap and Red swears the Vikings have a quarterback – he just can’t remember who or why he should care.  Philadelphia 28 Minnesota 27.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Bengals over Dolphins.  When two 3-1 teams matchup at this point of the season you would expect to be watching the cream of the crop or at least some decent milkfat.  Red isn’t a believer in either of these teams.  He believed briefly in the Dolphins last week and see what that got him!  But if you were inclined to believe in one of these squads, it would probably have to be the Bengals led by the resurgent Red Rifle and a possibly recharged (at least no longer limping) Joe Mixon.  Cincinnati 19 Miami 5.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Jets over Broncos.  Broncos are hexed this week.  Other than that, Red really doesn’t care and neither should you.  New Jersey 24 Denver 21.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – 49ers over Cardinals. Speaking of not caring, this week’s Shit Bowl is particularly odiferous featuring two teams that have managed to eke out one win between them.  It’s a bit harder to fault the Niners having bet wildly and come up snake eyes so far on J. Garapolo.  Now they will be led by C.J. Beathard – a name which Red could have a lot of fun with if it weren’t time to get back to work.  The Cardinals made an even worse bet on Sam Bradford and have now turned to Josh Rosen.  Even still the Cards are putting up a league worst 9.2 points per game which almost impossible to fathom in the modern NFL.  What is really impossible to fathom is that anyone other than diehard fans or gambling addicts will be watching this game.  If you fall into one of those categories, please remember to glue the remote to the armrest of the LaZ-boy lest ye be tempted to gag yourself with it during the third quarter of this turgid turd tussle.   Santa Clara 28 Arizona 10.

Red’s NFL Predictions 2018 – Week 4

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Well, Uncle Red improved slightly this week to 3-3.  Red is now 5-7 for the season having sat out the first week due to injury.  Red’s biggest bust so far is having predicted the Texans to go 10-6 and win the AFC South – a pick that looks sadly laughable now.  The biggest surprise is the Dolphins leading the AFC East with a 3-0 record.  So let’s start there.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Dolphins over Patriots.  This is the GOTW simply because it could herald the end of (or at least a hiatus from) the Patriots era of excellence in the NFL.  If the Pats go 1-3 with the lone win coming against the lowly and loathsome Texans, they will be 3 full games behind the 4-0 Dolphins and looking at possible losses to the Chiefs, Bears, Packers, Stealers and maybe the Dolphins again.  8-8 is not out of the question if the Pats collapse again on Sunday.  However, Red never discounts the ability of Bellicheat to resurrect his team and win 11-12 games year in/year out.  As for the Dolphins, Red doesn’t think anyone imagined that the Ryan Tannehill/Danny Amendola connection would be much of a factor or that tired old Frank Gore would still be productive.  Dolphins need to take advantage and kick the Pats in the Nads before they get up again.  Miami 28 New England 24.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Broncos.  It’s kind of slim pickings on the National TV front this week – but the Chiefs appear to be always worth watching and the Broncos don’t suck yet (stay tuned for updates on that one).  The only question for the Chiefs may be – Will they score less than 35 points in any game this season?  Red guesses that might happen maybe twice and possibly only after the Chiefs have secured a first round bye and home field advantage.  Patrick Mahomes looks unstoppable and has a full array of pretty cool weapons at his disposal.  Okay, Red will stop counting chickens now.   Broncos are doing it with productive tandem of Lindsay and Freeman in the backfield and the dynamic duo of Thomas and Sanders at wideout.  That’s enough talent around Case Keenum to win some games.  Just not this week.  Kansas City 42 Denver 30. 

Your Texas Game of the Week – Lions over Cowboys.  Red thinks the Lions can meet the exacting standards of  the “Red Rule” this week –  which is – score 15 points and beat the Cowboys.   The Boys’ utter offensive ineptitude is really quite spectacular at this point.  If the Cowboys hit 1-5, Red thinks that Jerry Jones will jettison Jason and jump to Jimmy Johnson (just joking).  Matt Stafford has a happy homecoming.  Detroit 24 Arlington 14.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Eagles over Titans.  Red blew this one last week as the Saints/Falcons game was a total barnburner.  If that happens with the Eagles and Titans this week, Red will eat his mouse.  Even so, it’s hard to call a game disappointing when it features two teams who have yet to put up more than 21 points in a game all season.  Both teams are coming off real snoozers with the Eagles having to rally to beat the crumbling Colts and the Titans being totally pumped up from the 9-6 field goal fest whipping of the Jaguars (who were obviously hungover after stomping the Pats).  Look for a low scoring boring struggle in the middle of the field.  That is unless Carson Wentz is really back.  Philadelphia 13 Tennessee 9.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Browns over Raiders.  So far this season, the time zone hex is working in reverse.  This week the Browns overcome the triple reverse time zone hex to win back to back games for the first time since the Reagan administration.  Actually in 2014, the Browns won three in a row  over the Raiders, Buccaneers and Bengals in Weeks 7, 8 and 9 and were 6-3 and eyeing the post-season before collapsing on their way to a 7-9 record.  Is Baker Mayfield the one to break the Browns curse of first round quarterbacks wasted?  Maybe.  Meanwhile on the west coast, Jolly Jon Gruden continues to tear apart the Raiders to remake them in his own image.  Too bad he is using a photo from the 80’s.  Cleveland 24 Oakland 17.  

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Colts over Texans.  If another pathetic and lost season is what it takes to get rid of Bill O’ the Clown, then so be it.  And it will be a cold day on S. Main before Red picks the Texans to win again.  On two occasions, once against the Stealers in the home opener of the 2005 season and again against the Jets in the opener of the 2009 season, Red endured the misery of a completely incompetent first half and at half time remarked to his friend the “Big Dog” (who was also in attendance) that if Red were Bob McNair he would have left the owner’s box at halftime, gone down to the locker room and summarily fired the head coach (Dom Capers and later Gary Kubiak).  He might have made the same remark if he had been in attendance on Sunday.  The only good thing Red has to say about the Colts is that they are not the Texans.  Have your significant other strap you to the LazyBoy if you dare watch this cruddy crap contest because otherwise ye might be tempted to run screaming to the nearest alligator infested body of water and dive in feet first.  Indianapolis 13 Houston 9.

Red’s 2018 NFL Picks – Week 2

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Red missed the opening week of the season due to unavoidable commitments and trouble with his Ipad.  Be advised, however, that he would not have picked the Texans to win on the road in New England, but would have taken the Saints over the Buccaneers, the Chiefs over the Chargers, the Bears over the Packers, the Panthers over Cowboys, Jaguars over Giants.  That would be a hypothetical 4-2, but it doesn’t count unless you tell someone about it.   Red also doesn’t give any betting advice this week because it is too early in the season for accurate throwing away of hard-earned cash.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Giants over Cowboys.  The Red Rule is back – and for you new readers out there, the rule is very simple –  SCORE 13 POINTS AND BEAT THE COWBOYS.  It only took 9 last week, but Red won’t quibble.  The Cowboys’ offense looks truly terrible even with E. Elliott at full speed.  Red has a funny feeling that Zeke may make him forget all about Steve Slayton (who as long-time readers will remember – Licks the sweat off a dead man’s balls!).  It’s way too early to make that call, but here’s hoping.  Other than Zeke and Cole Beasley, the Boys are devoid of weapons and unless Sean Lee is playing lights out – the defense aint much to write home about either.  On the other hand, there are the Giants – led by tired old Eli Manning and relying on probable Rookie of the Year Saquon Barkley.  The future ROY gets it done this week.  New Jersey 14 Arlington 6.

Your Texas Game of the Week  –  Texans over Titans.  Red likes Marcus M. but the dude cannot stay on the field and that may be a good thing this week as he would be relying on the shambles of an offensive line the Titans will trot out at home on Sunday.  The Titans may be missing both starting tackles and all-world TE Delanie Walker is gone for the season – a real shame for lovers of excellent TE play like Red.  If Mercilus, Watt and Clowney cannot tee off on this bunch – the vaunted Texans defense probably isn’t all that.  Texans need a competent offensive performance – something that even Bill O’ the Clown should be able to whip up after getting gob-smacked in week one.  This is probably a snoozefest for most of the game with a flurry of activity at the end.   Houston 28 Tennessee 17. 

Your Must Watch Game of the Week – Chiefs at Stealers.  The Patrick Mahomes Show featuring Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt debuted last week to rave reviews.  Episode 2 can be disappointing for a new series.  However, with head writer Andy Reid in charge, Red expects new and exciting scripts with lots of drama for most of the season.  This week’s episode has an interesting subplot with Travis Kelce playing a big role in solving the mystery of the Steel Curtain.  This one has hit series written all over it.  Stay tuned for more.  Kansas City 44 Pittsburgh 28. 

Your Overrated Game of the Week – Patriots over Jaguars.   Normally, you might think that a matchup between the defending AFC Champs and a team that reversed about a decade of franchise futility last season would be an interesting watch.  Not so this week.  While the Patriots have the mirrors finely polished and the smoke machines pumping out thick dense dark smoke, it just doesn’t make for very exciting games right now.  That they have two master magicians on the team doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t matter this week.  Jags are overmatched and get another lesson in how it is done this week.   New England 27 Jacksonville 17.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  Chargers over Bills.  As you know, Red is big believer in the time zone hex and the reverse triple time zone, longitudinal inverse hex is very powerful.  However, no hex can stand up to the mighty negative power of the Bills.   Chargers are lucky to get one hex out of the way early while Bills are still floundering for a solution to the eternal problem – Why are we still living and playing games in Buffalo?  Los Angeles 45 Bills 13.

And – This Week’s Shit Bowl – OTNAs over Colts.  The Colts have to win a few games this year based on having A. Luck at quarterback alone.  Don’t get Red wrong, he would not want the Luckster on his team, but he is a competent quarterback capable of beating the lesser teams. And while the OTNAs are a lesser team, they bitch-slapped the Cardinals last week on the road.  So while it is a bit unfair to put them in this week’s Shit Bowl, Red is pretty sure that it will hold up by the end of the season.   With apologies to Alex Smith, Red has them winning this turgid turd tussle.  Landover, Md. 24 Indianapolis 17.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – Playoffs

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Red has picked all the divisions (see below) and now it is time to chart out the playoffs.

Red has it as follows:

NFC Division Champs:  Eagles, Falcons, Vikings and Rams.

NFC Wildcards:  Bears and Saints

AFC Division Champs:  Patriots, Stealers, Texans and Chiefs

AFC Wildcards:  Chargers and Browns

Red likes the Stealers and Chiefs in the AFC title game at Arrowhead with the Chiefs barely pulling it out.

Red sees the Eagles and Falcons in the NFC title match in Philly with the Falcons nabbing the banner.

Red goes all in for the Chiefs as the NFL Champions for the first time since 1969. 

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – AFC West

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If you are reading these predictions, please note that each division has been picked separately over the course of several days.  Red used to do this in one giant post, but people don’t read big giant posts anymore – except for devoted followers of Alex Jones and those folks probably aren’t among Red’s loyal fan base.

Kansas City Chiefs – Red has bet heavily on the Patrick Mahomes to Tyreek Hill 60 yard touchdown pass combo in his big money fantasy football team.  Add to that mix, Kareem Hunt, Travis Kelce and Sammy Watkins and there is no question that the Chiefs could have the most explosive offense in the NFL this year – if Mahomes is all he appears cracked up to be.   That’s a lot to put on a second year player, but Red thinks Mahomes is the real deal and not the latest retread of previously failed Texas Tech wunderkinds (tell Red you don’t remember the glorious pro careers of Kliff Kingsbury and Sonny Cumbee?).   In the immortal words of HC Andy Reid “I’m fired up!”  Which is the only way Red can ever use the first person in these musings.  Kansas City dominates at 14-2.

San Diego (er – Los Angeles) Chargers –  Red would like to attend a Chargers game this season – mostly because he likes peace and quiet and prefers being alone.   Here are some keys you can blank on for a successful Chargers season.  Rivers needs to empty the backfield on third down and throw clear down the unfilled.   And a hearty hollow, to undrafted rookie speedster J.J. Jones who may help on those bombs – he deserted his place on this roster.  His speed may open up devoid in the middle. When they get in the dead zone, Rivers can rely more on Melvin Gordon to bare down opposing defenses.   The offense is good, but vacant do it alone.  The defense must desert itself and get uninhabit of making some third down plays.  It may come down to the Week 15 matchup with the Chiefs, a tough game to win desolate in the season. Some help getting the missing faithful involved wouldn’t hurt – for example abandon the sidelines could pump up the fan.  Barren in the hunt for the playoffs all the way this season.  Red thinks they make it barely at 10-6.

Oakland Raiders –  The emaciated ghost of Al Davis still stalks the cavernous corridors of the Coliseum (or whatever they call they rusting decrepit heap they play in) waiting for another Raiders championship.  Dead Al continues his nightly rambles all season in vain.  The Raiders’ gamble on bringing back the perfidious Jon Gruden doesn’t pay off this season.  Walk Dead Al! Walk! Walk across the desert to the shining oasis in the sun – for there your spectral dreams will still go unfulfilled.  Oakland 8-8.

Denver Broncos – Red also likes Case Keenum but he may just have squeezed all the juice out of that lime last season in Minnesota.  This franchise seems lost in the woods right now and John Elway’s job is probably on the line if something doesn’t turn around soon.  Let Red be the first to say, “Adios Juan!”  Denver is 6-10.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – AFC East

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New England Patriots  –  This is where every year Red writes that it is spineless and weak to continue to pick the Patriots but that he will continue to do so until proven wrong.  Red has yet to be proven wrong.  Pats are a bit down but still finish atop a weak division even with a relatively weak schedule.  Red is looking forward to week 15 matchup with Stealers.  New England sits at 11-5

Buffalo Bills  – Red kind of likes Josh Allen who seems to have a bit of Carson Wentz – QB out of nowhere feel to him and will not be surprised if he moves in to the lineup at some point.  Sorry all you AJ McCarron fans out there – both of you.  It’s just too bad there is so little else to like about this team.   There is a good secondary on defense, but lack of offensive weapons is very troublesome.  Buffalo (Orchard Park) is 8-8 material

Miami Dolphins –  Red swears there are rumor that there is still an NFL team in the greater Miami region.  Beyond that Red is clueless.  Miami at 6-10.

New York Jets –  Meet the Jets, Greet the Jets, Step right up and beat the Jets.  Red still remembers an older fraternity brother singing that one at breakfast one bright shining morning.  Funny what you remember.  Funny what is still true.    Led by tired old Josh McCown (Sam Houston State for the Texas reference), the Jets are likely to be featured in at least half a dozen Shit Bowls this year.  Jets are 3-13.

Red’s 2018 NFL Predictions – NFC South

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Today we move on to the NFC South – division which has produced two NFL Champions and a few runners-up.  This is the division of the nouveau teams as there is not a single member that predates the 1960’s.   But last year it was the “NFL Division of Excellence” with three teams advancing to the playoffs.

Atlanta Falcons –  This team was still smarting from the 28-3 letdown against the Patriots in 2016.  Still they had a 10 win season and made it to the divisional round losing in a low-scoring slug fest to the Eagles.  Pretty good for a team that finished in third place in their division.   There are no real surprises for this season.  There will be some changes on the defensive line and some help coming for the secondary.  On offense, new guard Brian Fusco shores up an already very solid line.  Freeman and Coleman are as solid a running back duo as there is in the league.  Jones and Sanu are about the same at wide-out.  Then there is Matty Ice.  Perhaps more than any other team, the Falcons fate rests in the hands of the ball handler. If Ryan returns to 2016 form (or even a close facsimile thereof), the Falcons will be flying high.  The schedule is reasonable favorable with the possible pathetic AFC North and the mediocre NFC East coming up. Atlanta wins this division with an 11-5 record.

New Orleans Saints – First a tip of the gold and black hat to long-time Saints owner and all round bon vivant Tom Benson who died in March at the age of 90.  He tried to buck the image of the No Fun League with his antics – but likely also bears some responsibility for the targeting and injury payola scandal that cost his coach a full season.  Benson also managed to create one of the most loyal fan bases in the entire league.  Red and family were in New Orleans for the OTNA’s home game last season and just about everyone in the city was wearing black and gold in some form or fashion. And just between him and you, Red has no problems with a gold lame miniskirt on the right person.   Red was watching at a local pizza parlor and when the OTNAs went ahead by 15 with just over 3 minutes left, it seemed to be an ugly Sunday night in NO.  But Brees led an incredible comeback to tie the game and the Saints won on a 51 yard FG with about a minute left in OT.  So Red is hesitant to say this is the last hurrah for 39 year-old Drew Brees as he keeps performing at a high level.  And with Ingram and Kamara in the backfield, Brees doesn’t have to do as much.  At this point, only Brady is better at reading defenses and getting his team in the right set.  And then there is this fact which may have slipped your notice  – Michael Thomas’ 196 receptions are the most by anyone in the first two years of an NFL career. Ever.  The Saints’ defense has been retooled over the past two seasons and this season will show whether the pieces are finally fitting together.  As for the schedule, it poses some interesting possibilities. The Saints start with a two consecutive home games against the weaker sisters (Bucs and Browns) and finish with two home games (Stealers and Panthers). That means they are on the road for 8 of 12 weeks in the middle of the season.  The three game road stretch beginning on Nov. 29 may determine the Saints’ playoff fate.  Red thinks the Saints are is still a Wildcard team at 10-6.

Carolina Panthers – Red once believed, but no more.  The 2017 season was tumultuous at best with owner Jerry Richardson firing GM Dave Gettleman weeks before the start of the regular season, followed by his decision to sell the team after facing multiple workplace allegations, including sexual harassment and racial allegations.   The team seemed remarkably unfazed and had a chance to win the division before falling to the Falcons in Week 17.  Still they made the playoffs but cratered lost a high-scoring battle with the Saints and went home.  The offense is probably there, but Red just doesn’t see this defense keeping the Panthers in enough games to keep pace with the Saints or Falcons in 2018.  It comes down to the last three games against the Saints, Falcons and Saints.   Carolina can’t close the deal and goes 9-7 and goes home.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Does Red really have to comment on this team.  Jameis Winston did nothing to show that he is the mythical “franchise quarterback” every team looks for.  So maybe it is a good thing he is suspended for the first three games of the season.   Note to JW:  Hell hath no fury like a female Uber driver groped.  The Bucs pathetic excuse for a defense (last in the NFL in total defense, sacks and third-down percentage) can only be better with the addition of former Eagles tackle Beau Allen and end Vinny Curry.  Whether tired old Jason Pierre-Paul had anything left in the tank is another story.  Running back is a question mark and only Mike Evans is the only true offensive superstar on this squad.  They will improve from last year’s sad 5-11 mark – but not enough.  Tampa Bay is 7-9 material at best.