Tag Archives: Football

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 13

Leave a reply

Red just can’t quite get out of the hole he dug for himself in September. Red maintained by going 3-3 in Week 12 which puts Red at 31-33-2 for the season. He may demand a recount.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week –OTNAs overtake Cardinals. At the beginning of the season, the Cards talked about “stacking wins” presumably meaning having a couple of nice 4 to 6 game winning streaks.  Right now the Cards have been reduced to talking about “stacking first downs.” Meanwhile in Maryland, the OTNAs are putting together an offensive powerhouse with Kirk Cousins at the helm (words Red never thought he would write).  KC has 20 touchdowns and an outside shot at a 4500 yard season.  The Kelley-Jones tandem at RB is mediocre but will suffice when you have 3 receivers who might catch 80 and surpass 900 yards on the season – especially when that group does not include DeSean Jackson (who doesn’t lag too far behind in yards and TDs).  The Cards have the remarkable David Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald and squat after that. Yet somehow the Cards are favored by 2.5.  The consensus O/U is a hefty 50.5 but that doesn’t scare Red too bigly.  Take the OTNAs and the points and the over if you must.   Landover, Md. 33 Arizona 24.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers belt Chargers. The Bucs still are in the thick of a playoff race with the Falcons in their division and other Wild Card contenders.  The Chargers are going nowhere in the incredible AFC West and have no realistic change of a Wild Card berth.  Yet the professional prognosticators are fairly unanimous in calling this one for the Chargers.  Go figure.  It might be that others are catching on to Red’s long time fixation on the triple-reverse time zone, inverse coast hex and think that the Bucs can’t win bigly on the West Coast.  Red factors that in, but he also factors in having something to play for in December and gives the edge ever so slightly to the Bucs in a match-up of equals.  But he is predicting a shoot-out that could go to OT. Tampa Bay 36 San Diego 33.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Jets jettison Colts. Not much in the old rivalry closet this week. These teams have played each other a respectable 72 including 4 post-season games.  The Colts lead 41-31 but with the Jets having won the biggest one of them all in Superb Owl III.  The Jets have had the Colts number winning 4 of the last 5 dating back to 2009 (another era in NFL terms) and won the 17-16 playoff “thriller” on the road after 2010 season.  Red predicts that Luck is the next Ryan Fitzpatrick – that is a smart QB from an academically challenging school that has early success and morphs into a caretaker QB as his career winds down.  The old caretaker wins this one but not too bigly. New Jersey 24 Indianapolis 14.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Packers pick on Texans.  For just a moment last week, Red thought the Chargers were going to find a way to blow an 11-point lead with 41 seconds to go in the game.  But alas, these were the Texans and while Red has seen offenses suck before, the Texans offense is (with apologies to Homer Simpson) “the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”  Sorry, Red is under a court order to use that phrase at least once every season.  The Pack is back, way back, but on the way back, unless it packs its bags and heads back backwards.  And that’s just the Dom Capers-led defense.  But remember, the Chargers were supposed to have a subpar defense that was borderline godawful at stopping the run. And the Texans scored how many points last week?  Game time temps are expected to be in the low 30s with sleet and snow.  Maybe A-Rodg’s pee will freeze before it hits the bucket in his sideline tent. But Red digresses.  Please God, let this be a blizzard game so that the Texans will have one last excuse for a pitiful offensive performance.  Sadly, even at 6-6, the Texans are a good bet to win the AFC South, get a home playoff game (Ka-Ching) and get stomped bigly by the Dolphins or Chiefs or Broncos or Stealers or Ravens or . . . ??? in front of the not-so-faithful. Green Back 21 Houston 11.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Panthers punch Seahawks.  And speaking of division leaders with crappy offenses – one cannot ignore the stench emanating from the Seahawks sideline.  The current leading rusher for the Hawks is (drum roll please) C.J. Prosise with 172 yards and 1 touchdown.  With a running game like that you end up scoring 5 points.  With the falloff of the defensive unit formerly known as the “Legion”, the Hawks are going to have trouble down the stretch.  If not for playing in the god-awful NFC West, the Hawks would be lucky to be .500 and scrambling for another playoff berth with a 7-9 record.  Everyone but everyone is picking the Hawks to win this one.  Red will look like a genius when the Panthers win bigly.  Pete the Cheat still makes the playoffs for one last season, but only by default and only for one game. Carolina 35 Seattle 14.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – 49ers foul Bears. Red has pretty much avoided Chip Kelly’s disaster on the West Coast this season because he kind of likes the Chipster while thinking that he should return to being the great college football coach that he is.  Lord knows he won’t take much of a pay cut when Nebraska or the like come calling.  In the meantime, Red is really proud to present one of the shittiest of the Shit Bowls in recent memory.  Really, who hasn’t been waiting all season for the Brian Hoyer – Colin Kaepernick show down of sub-prime, fan-hated NFL quarterbacks.  It will be an exciting race to see which of these two giants of the gridiron will move past 1500 yards passing for the season first.  Throw in a little Jordan Howard and Carlos Hyde at running back and you have the makings of a good afternoon nap on the couch in Red’s man cave (also known as the broom closet). Even Alshon Jeffery has managed to delight his fantasy football backers with all of 1 – count ‘em 1 – touchdown this season.  Red will be hanging the Christmas lights instead of watching this beastly bowel battle lest he string up a noose with those lights and bigly hang himself from the eaves instead. Santa Clara 10 Chicago 9.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 11

Leave a reply

Well old Uncle Red was just so dang exhausted from the election that he took last week off. Probably just as well given the recent trend. And the uproar from readers was – shall Red say – less than deafening.  So in Week 9, Red was a stale 3-3 and at least none of the predicted games ended in a tie. So Red is now 24-28-2.  About as good as Hillary.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Patriots punish 49ers. This is the only sure sure bet this week as a lot of competitive (albeit boring) games dot the schedule.  You know every season, one pathetic excuse for a professional football franchise rises up and proves up that old “On any given Sunday” rule; but this aint the week.  If the Patriots lose to the 49ers – even considering the triple reverse time zone, obverse hipster factor, deaclimatized shift hexes working in favor of the 49ers – Red will eat his hat.  This week Red’s sombrero is made entirely from raw cookie dough (Snickerdoodle and Moco Choco Chip in case you are interested). Red aint no fool when it comes to hat eating.  This game features something that you see about once every SuperMoon – a two touchdown home dog.  That’s right the Pats are giving up 14 points on the road.  If that gives you pause, Red will have LeGarrette Blount come to your house and punch you in the nose.  Probably better to go with the under at 51.5 but only because Red doesn’t think the Pats can score 52. New England 41 Santa Clara 10.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers Beat Chiefs. Red can’t help but think that Buccaneers will get back on pace to finish 8-8 because they are – well, an 8-8 team.  Red keeps waiting for the Chiefs to fold like slice of New York pizza – wouldn’t that be delicious?  It hasn’t happened yet and in Red’s opinion are worst possible 7-2 team imaginable.  This team lost to the Texans and got stomped by the Stealers and have beaten one team with a winning record (Raiders).  We will see what happens to Andy’s crew when they have to face the Broncos twice, the Falcons and the Raiders again. Tampa Bay 25 Kansas City 23.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Titans top Colts. The rivalry cupboard is pretty empty this week.  This one hardly qualifies as a rivalry – it’s just a run of the mill sad sack mid-season game for anyone but the fans involved and even then – Really?  There is some mild interest as the Titans appear to be rising out of years abject suckitude towards the once seeminly unattainable goal of mediocrity.  Well guess what Titan fans, mediocrity can win you a division championship in the AFC South.  Pray for mediocrity and you just might get it.  God, loves a humble sinner.  The real reason to watch this one is that with a loss and a Texans win, the Colts are all but done this season and perhaps done with the Chuck Pagano era – if you can call it that.  And there is nothing like a rivalry game between two franchises that used to be something or somewhere else.  The Titans at least had the decency to change their name when they left Houston in shame.  The Colts took the name with them when the exited Baltimore under cover of darkness.  This not-so-called rivalry dates all the way back to the Nixon era when the Baltimore Colts beat the Houston Oilers 24-20 in the Astrodome.  That’s some history.  The Colts lead the all time series  30-14 and the Titans have not won since October 30 of 2011 and have only won twice since midway through the 2008 season.  The teams have met once in the playoffs after the 1999 season before the realignment put them in the same division and created the least rivalrous rivalry in all of the NFL.  The Titans won a 19-16 snoozefest at the RCA Dome.  Okay, enough already. Tennessee 13 Indianapolis 10.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys crater Ravens.   In the new Trump era – where all things are possible – not only is America great again – America’s Team is great again.  Aint that just great? Excuse Red while he goes out in the backyard and chokes down some rat poison. Arlington 24 Baltimore 21.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans test Raiders.   The Texans are due for at least two quality wins this season.  They got one against the Chiefs in week 2 and maybe one against the Lions in week 9 (the book is still out on the Lions).  This week could make 3. A while back, Red was actually thinking about going to Mexico City for unrelated reasons this weekend and could not figure out why the prices were so high and then he bothered to look the NFL schedule and lo and behold – there were the Texans following the route of Old Fuss and Feathers Winfield Scott to make an appearance in El Distrito Federal against the hated Raiders.  The Texans will win this one as payback for losing to the emotionally charged Raiders playing for love of dead Al Davis back in 2011.  Yeah, they have played twice since then splitting games in 2013 and 2014, but Red has never really gotten over watching the Raiders win one for Old Dead Al.  This week the emaciated ghost of Al Davis grabs his saber and hooks up with spirits of the dead Conquistadors as they experience another Noche Triste in old Tenochtitlan. Houston 23 Oakland 17.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Stealers Stomp Browns. Red is really tired of the Browns.  So tired that he might just give the Shit Bowl a rest for the remainder of the season and replace it with the Bowl of Abject Mediocrity – except for the fact that 10 games would qualify every week.  Sorry, Stealers but there has to be a Shit Bowl and someone has to beat the Browns. Red will be sitting in a hunting blind far from any technology that might pick up a trace of this coaly crap contest. Pittsburgh 43 Cleveland 9.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 9

Leave a reply

Hard to believe that the season is approximately half over and Red is not killing it. Last week, Red screwed the pooch again with a 2-3-1 record somehow managing to stumble into predicting another game that ended in a tie.  For the record, when that happens, Red awards himself a tie as well. So at midseason, Red is 21-25-2.  Not enough to win in the Electoral College, but close enough to make it interesting.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Vikings vanquish Lions. Sure bets are hard to come by this week (but see, Texas Franchise Pick of the Week).  The Lions come in as a 6 point dog on the road to a team that just lost its offensive coordinator because of relationship issues.  Which proves that the NFL is not just a “what have you done for me lately?” kind of enterprise.  Rather, the current vibe is “what have you done for me in the last quarter?”. The venerable NT had suffered through ugly losses in the last two weeks that largely were the result of massive devastation in the offensive line and gee, the loss of Adrian Peterson and then Jerick McKinnon might have had something to do with the nosedive.  So calling the Vikings a “sure bet” to do anything but implode after a remarkable 5-0 start is  . . . well, looking for the words here . . . yeah, REAL STUPID!. But when has that stopping Red.  To tell the truth, Red is probably influenced by having watched the Lions offensive ineptitude in person last week when the decent Texans defense bottled up the Lions rather effectively.  So if that C-Note is just burning a hole in your pants pocket, put it down on the Vikings to overcome adversity this week and eke out a one touchdown win.  Or take the under at 41 – if you are really smart. Minnesota 21 Detroit 14.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Jaguars jolt Chiefs. Yeah, Red picked the Jags to be playing in the AFC championship back when he still believed in Blake Bortles.  But BB and the Jags have regressed to form and will be spending the off-season working on their English accents, and looking for a new offensive coordinator after firing Greg Olson.  Compared to A. Smith, BB’s numbers don’t look all that bad.  Of course, compared to A. Smith’s numbers, Case Keenum looks like an actual professional quarterback.  But Red digresses.  Is there any reason to think that the Jags can win this week? Yes, and his name is Nick Foles.  Hard to believe that Foles was once thought of as perhaps, the next big thing. Jacksonville 25 Kansas City 23.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Giants gut Eagles. This one goes back to 1933 when the Eagles came into existence and got stomped 56-0 at the Polo Grounds. The Eagles and Giants have played in the same “division” ever since. The real glory days of this rivalry were in the 1940’s and 50’s when both teams fielded powerhouses.  Some claim this is the No.1 rivalry in the NFL.  It certainly is one of the most evenly balanced with the Giants hold an 85-81-2 edge including 4 playoff meetings. The most famous game probably occurred on November 19, 1978 when the Miracle at the Meadowlands occurred.  The Giants were leading the Eagles 17-12 with 20 seconds remaining. Offensive coordinator Bob Gibson called for a running play when all that was needed was for the Giants to take a knee. The handoff between quarterback Joe Pisarcik and Larry Csonka was fumbled and Eagles cornerback Herman Edwards grabbed the loose ball and returned it for the winning score. Nothing that exciting this week.  But it might just be the NFL Game of the Week. New Jersey 35 Philadephia 31.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys crush Browns.   Wouldn’t it be just great if the Browns broke their losing streak and the Cowboys winning streak in the same week?  Wouldn’t it also be great if Red got a winning quick pick Lotto ticket this week? Aint neither one gonna happen. Arlington 27 Cleveland 13.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Raiders ride roughshod over Broncos.  Lil’ brother Carr is making the rest of the league forget that “David Carr still sucks.”  Ah, it feels good to write that again.  He flirted with breaking Norm “the Dutchman” Van Brocklin’s all time single game passing record on Sunday when he accounted for 5 TDs and threw for 513 yards against the Buccaneers last week.  And yet the Raiders only won 30-24 in OT.  Meanwhile in the Rockies, Bronco fans are distraught that their heroes cannot play the Texans every week.  If Red could go to one game this week, Red would make the trip to the decrepit Oakland Coliseum to look for the emaciated ghost of Al Davis celebrating the biggest win Raider win since their last title.  Because a win against the Broncos will put the Raiders in first going into a bye week followed by a trip to La Ciudad de Mexico for a game against the entirely beatable Texans. Oakland 35 Denver 24.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Jets jangle Dolphins. Jets are already at the make or break point for a shot at the playoffs.  Can they run the table with no quarterback, no running game, a suspect defense and a coach with one foot in the grave and one on a spilled Gatorade.  Red has paid almost no attention to the Dolphins this season, which puts him in good standing with 97.5% of NFL fans.  The only time the Dogfins have made news is when their washed retread of a running back announced his retirement.  Sorry, Arian – Red calls ‘em like he sees ‘em.  Red is trying to think of a single reason for a rational football fan to watch this game.  Fortunately for the NFL, rational football fans are few and far between.  Duct tape the remote control to your wrist before tuning in to this one as ye might be tempted to launch it through the front window well before half time of this turgid turd tussle. New Jersey 17 Miami 3.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 8

Leave a reply

Red tried for perfect mediocrity last week – and failed going 3-2-1 – thanks to the Seahawks/Cardinals field goal fest that ended in a tie on Sunday night.  So old Uncle Red is 19-22-1 nearing the half pole.  It’s enough to make a man vote for a Libertarian. Well, almost enough.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Bengals bonk OTNAs. Red thinks that the London games should be reserved for exciting teams like the Jaguars, Titans and Browns.  The majority of the English fans don’t know any better – in fact,  most of them have become Jaguars fans by virtue of simple familiarity and lack of taste.  Real games between teams that might just have a chance at making the playoffs should be played in a hard cold driving rain in the heartland with only the hard-core faithful hanging in there until the two-minute warning and missing work on Monday with a nasty head cold.  But the NFL in its wisdom, has chosen to put a game of some actual importance in the English capital this week.  (Does England even have a capital?) Red thinks the Bengals are a steal giving up 2.5 and would still take them at -3.  The over/under at 47 to 48 is more problematic.  Both of these teams need a win here.  The OTNAs can keep pace in the NFC East with a win and an Eagles victory over the hated Cowboys (see below).  The Bengals keep playoff hopes alive with a win as the Stealers and Ravens are taking on water. Cincinnati 24 Landover, Md. 23.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Bills beat up Patriots. Long-time reader Timmy asks, Red, how can you pick against the Pats?  Doesn’t that violate the laws of physics and risk ripping apart the space-time continuum as we know it?  Well Billy, Red is what is known in these parts as a self-proclaimed, part-time, semi-professional prognosticator and ordinary mortals like yourself, Danny shouldn’t question those of us who are bold enough to make foolish predictions for all to see on a weekly basis. You got that, Larry?  In other words, shut your pie hole, Willy.  Let Red do his thing and at the end of the season when you have lost all your lunch money for the spring, then you can come crying to Red. Seems like Red is forgetting something.  Oh yeah.   Orchard Park 30 New England 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Vikings victimize Bears. Despite the end of perfection at the hands of the Eagles last week, the Purple Power still are at the top of the NFL heap after 7 weeks.  They will slide down the pile a bit as the season progresses, but not this week.  That’s because they face the Bears who are bemoaning the loss of Brian Hoyer.  The sign reads “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here” when you are down to mourning the loss of Brian Hoyer.  These teams have faced each other every year since 1961 when the Vikings stunned the Bears 37-13 in the first game in franchise history at Bloomington.  The Vikings lead the series 57-51-2 and the teams have met but once in the playoffs – a 35-18 Bears victory in 1995. Minnesota 31 Chicago 3.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans take out Lions.   Last week Red wrote, “The Texans don’t need to win this game [against Broncos], but they do need to look like an actual NFL team – something that has eluded them in road games this season.”  Three field goals and less than 200 yards passing does not resemble a “an actual NFL team.”  So why pick the Texans now?  Well, for one, Red will be in attendance at NRG on Sunday and he hates to pick against the Texans when it might just ruin an otherwise pleasant Sunday afternoon watching modern-day gladiation in person. For two, the Texans will have to beat a real professional football team at some point this season (Red’s so-called “Quality Win”) – almost every team does that.  Well, they beat the Chiefs you say.  Fair point.  Maybe the Texans have already had their Quality Win for the season if the Chiefs don’t fall apart down the stretch.  And it all begs the question of just how good the Lions really are?  Red thinks not that good.  Matt Stafford is having an MVP runner up kind of season so far.  But that usually means disaster is about to strike in Motown.   While all the focus is on the failure of Ock Brosweiler and the huge gamble the front office took on him, Red thinks that the key this week is to take pressure off the pathetic offense with an aggressive defensive scheme that gets after MS –  a tough but doable proposition even without JJ in the lineup.  Whitney Mercilus needs to take over and make this “his defense” and make MS his personal bitch this week. Houston 24 Detroit 1.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Eagles edge Cowboys.  A true Cowboy hater can dream, can’t he?  Red needs something to make this nightmare of a successful Cowboys campaign come to a halt.  Amazingly, the Eagles can take the lead in the NFC East with a win on Sunday night.  This is what the experts call a “pivotal game.”  This is what Red calls a “stupid pick” as witnessed by the fact that Red has so much faith in this pick, he is playing Blake “the Bumbler” Bortles over Carson “Is a Rookie, Plays Like Rookie” Wentz in his big money fantasy league this week. Philadelphia 23 Arlington 20.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Jets jump all over Browns. Among the many teams that have made Red’s list this season, the Jets are near the top.  Red really can stand anything about the entire Jets organization, and yet he called for them to make the playoffs this season.  And how have the Jets paid old Cousin Red back?  By stinking up northern Jersey – and Red can tell you from personal experience that something has to really reek before it you can get a whiff of it over the ambient level of stench in that part of our fair country.  It seems just a matter of time before Bryce Petty is pulled off the end of the bench to finish off this worst of all possible seasons for the Jets.  Meanwhile back in the heartland, that the Browns are living down to expectations is hardly news.  It seems just a matter of time before the Browns are calling up Johnny F. Football and saying, “Please come back, all is forgiven. We still love you.”  Loyal readers know that nothing please Papa Rad more than to have a true Shit Bowl to complain about.  Well, Uncle Red is happy this week.  Please make sure your seat belts are fastened and your tray tables are in their full upright position lest ye attempt to leap from a moving plane while attempting to watch this colossal crap contest. New Jersey 33 Cleveland 15.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 7

Leave a reply

NFL Picks 201 6 – week 7

 

Well The Donald may have had a better week that Red last week. 1-5 for the third time this season. 16-20 after six weeks.  Red doesn’t shank his tee shot that often.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Bengals over Browns. In the battle for Ohio, anything can happen and usually does.  Like the Republicans, the Bengals never win a division title unless they win the battle of Ohio.  The Bengals are perhaps the most perplexing team this season (wait, that title belongs to the Panthers).  But the Browns are usually the cure for whatever ails you.  Bengals get to drink the magic Brown elixir this week. Still 10 points is a lot to give up.  Take the under at 45.5.  Cincinnati 20 Cleveland 1.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Titans Whip Colts. Titans are trending in the right direction.  Mariota is playing  like an actual mid-tier NFL quarterback and DeMarco Murray still has some gas in the tank despite being abused by the Cowboys.  The Colts are stinging from an unexpetcted loss to the Texans (unexpected by all but Red – thank you).  The Colts defense is truly awful and managed to hide that last week for 3 quarters against the equally awful Texans offense.  The Titans offense is starting to click.  The Colts – not so much.   Tennessee 24 Indianapolis 21.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Patriots Destroy Stealers. Without Big Ben the Stealers are just another band from LA.  Without Tom Brady, the Patriots still win all their games.  Go figure.  This looked like a preview of the AFC Championship game until the Stealers began to look for their wheels.  It now is just another butt whipping for the Steal crew. New England 45 Pittsburgh 7.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Broncos best Texans.    Texans don’t need to win this game, but they do need to look like an actual NFL team – something that has eluded them in road games this season.  The Broncos are there for the taking this week having lost two in a row, but the Texans are givers.  They give up a lead late in the game to lose a squeaker here, but show some mettle. And remember Texans fans, Red warned you not to get carried away with a win over the Colts. Denver 27 Houston 24.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Cardinals crater Seahawks.  Cardinals are still looking for that break out game this season.  This is a big chance to make a statement in the NFC west.  They can’t expect 3 TDs from DJ every week, but they can expect excellence.  All tired old Carson Palmer has to do is manage the game and let his surrounding talent take over.  Then there is Russell Wilson – who has just plain sucked so far this seaon.  Expect another rough outing over a steadily improving Cardinals defense.   Arizona 31 Seattle 13.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Jets over Ravens. You can smell the stink in Jersey from the Morristown exit.  The stench of defeat is clinging to the Jets like mold to a week old bagel.  But “on any given Sunday” and this is a given Sunday for the Jets as the Ravens play down to their level.  This messy merd match will be nigh on to unwatchable.  But when has that stopped Red. New Jersey 23 Baltimore 15.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

Leave a reply

Don’t miss out on this week’s six-pack of NFL picks.

A big rally for Red last week going 5-1 and only missing out by picking the Jets over the seemingly faltering Seahawks. The ship is still listing but not taking on water quite as fast.  On the season Red is now 10-14.  Maybe Cousin Red needs a tough line up of games every week.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Patriots over Browns. Needs no explanation.  The line is hovering around 10 to 10.5 with an under/over of 46.5 to 47.  Red doesn’t like going that long, but this is the week.  Give up the points and take the under. New England 26 Cleveland 10.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Falcons over Broncos. Broncos are playing lights out, but so are the Falcons since Week 1 averaging 42 points over the last 3 games. Last week Matt Ryan entered the rarified air of 500 yards passing with over 300 of it to Julio Jones.  Mr. Ryan briefly flirted with breaking the longest standing individual game record around.  What’s that you ask?  Norm “the Dutchman” Van Brocklin’s single game record of 554 yards passing has stood since September 28, 1961 when he completed 27 of 41 passes and also threw for 5 touchdowns.  Maybe the years of promise are finally being realized in Georgia.  The Broncos defense hasn’t seen an act like this one yet.    Atlanta 41 Denver 35.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Raiders over Chargers. Not much to choose from in the rivalry column this week.  These two old AFL foes have played each other at least twice every year since 1960, but have only met once in the playoffs with the Chargers winning a shoot out after the 1980 season.  Red has been on the Raiders bandwagon for a while now and it seems to be paying off.  The Chargers have had the better of this series for almost 15 years, but the times they are a changing in California. Oakland 33 San Diego 17 .

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Bengals over Cowboys.  Der Bengals need this one.  They need a win on the road against a hot team and to avoid falling into a 2-3 hole in what is looking to be tough division (excluding the lowly Browns of course).  Meanwhile, Los Cowboys have exceeded all expectations so far.  But don’t get too excited Cowboy Nation.  The wins have come against the weak sisters OTNAs, Bears and 49ers – who will be lucky to finish the season with 18 wins between them.  And but for a play or two, the Boys could easily be 1-3. And their rookies are playing out of their shoes –  Ezekiel Elliot leads the league in rushing and Dak Prescott has yet to throw a pick.  But it’s not December, so the carriage hasn’t turned back into a pumpkin, yet – and that makes this a nervous pick for old Uncle Red.  The difference here is the  Bengals getting back Tyler Eifert this week.  The combination of AJ Green, Eifert and LaFell is pretty daunting for any secondary especially when coupled with the versatile duo of Hill and Gio in the backfield.  Plus the Bengals defense gets back an element of thuggishness with the return of Vontaze Burfict.  If he doesn’t cost them the game with stupid penalties, he might be the difference maker this week.      Cincinnati 27 Dallas 21.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Packers over Giants.  Red’s pick of the Giants is starting to look suspect.  The loss in Week 3 to the OTNAs before two tough road games against the NFC North was likely the start of a 3 game losing streak.  Packers are lucky to be 2-1 having failed to dominate anyone yet mostly because of erratic second half play.  A Rodg has thrown 7 TDs with no interceptions in the first half of games and 0 TDs with 1 INT after halftime so far.  This one will be tight and could go either way. Green Bay 24 New Jersey 23.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Colts over Bears. This awful anal assault features two teams coming in at a deserved 1-3.  The Bears have the advantage of a 1 game winning streak.  The Colts have the advantage of facing Brian Hoyer – who had his one good game for the season last week.  Sorry Brian, that’s all you get.  Sorry fans, they still televise every game including the Shit Bowl. Red might watch this one out of morbid curiosity at how bad the Colts really might be this season.  But he will be careful to lock up the liquor cabinet lest he drink himself into a stupor by quarter four. Indianapolis 29 Chicago 21.

Red’s Texas College Football Game of the Week

Leave a reply

Red travels to the friendly confines of Shelton Stadium in Abilene as the Hardin-Simmons Cowboys take on the Lobos of Sul Ross State in their American Southwest Conference opener. This one of HSU’s longest if not particularly competitive rivalries. The Cowboys lead the all-time series 33-3 and won 41-13 last year in Alpine. The Lobos come into the game 1-2 on the year and HSU is 3-0 having pretty much smoked the lesser competition they have faced.  The Cowboys have earned their No. 10 ranking so far.

The Cowboys are coming off a 61-24 ass-whomping of Southwest Assemblies of God last week featuring 714 yards of total offense that could have been more if not for untimely penalties bringing back two long touchdown throws.  The rout helped HSU sweep the American Southwest Conference player of the week awards with Reese Childress winning the offensive award, Alex Bell the special teams and Cory Ward the defensive award.  The Lobos just don’t have the firepower to keep up with a team this good.  HSU 65 SRSU 21.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 4

Leave a reply

Last week Red was 1-5, dragging season totals down to 5-13. Help me Jesus, it’s going to be a long season for old Uncle Red as he appears to be violating the first rule of holes – all the more complicated by the very tough line up of games this week.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Broncos over Buccaneers. The less said about last week the better.  And the less said about this week – even better.  It is hard to see a real sure fire bet this week, but Red created this monster and has to ride it until the end of the season.  Broncos will have to overcome double time zone, inverse altitudinal and humidity index hexes to win this one.  They seem up to the challenge so far.  Meanwhile, things on the west coast of the Sunshine State are not going as well as expected.  Jameis, the would be felon, is racking up the stats but mostly in garbage time.  The defense seems incapable of stopping anyone.  In the Mile High City, Coach K seems to have his quarterback mojo back and is doing amazing things with TS. Take Denver giving up 3 if you are incorrigible, but if you really must put some green down on this one, go with the over at 44. Denver 33 Tampa Bay 20.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Jets over Seahawks. Red goes with the full triple time zone, inverse hipster hex here. And the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick usually follows a god-awful performance with a competent one. It’s a tough challenge this week going against the supposed top-ranked Seahawk defense, but RF has a decent running game to fall back on.  Meanwhile the Seahawk offense has been overly reliant on Christine Michael – that is a branch that is going to snap at some point.  Red thinks it happens this week as Jets defense stifles the running game and forces Wilson to heave it up.  New Jersey 24 Seattle 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Cowboys over 49ers. Well this used to be a rivalry anyway.  Now it may be just another game.  Cowboys look to be on a roll but wait until December.  The Niners are not as bad as they look – they are actually far worse.  Two low mediocre defenses will at least keep this one exciting on some level. Arlington 32 Santa Clara 30.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans over Titans.  Speaking of last week might just get your ass kicked in the Texans locker room right now.  Texans were humiliated in Foxboro, but have had 10 days to regroup for their first division outing.  All well and good until the JJ Watt news broke yesterday.   With the glamour seeking superstar probably out for the season, the Texans may actually have better focus and realize that they can’t just wait around for Watt to make a game-winning play.  The big problem is where it has been for several seasons.  They have a second string quarterback playing behind a makeshift offensive line.  Nothing will fix that, but it should be good enough to win over the weak sisters of the league like the Titans. Houston 24 Tennessee 11.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Vikings over Giants.  Red’s pick of the Vikings is starting to look brilliant.  At least something is going right.  Red’s pick of the Giants is okay so far, but they likely lose division lead to the Cowboys this week.  That’s okay because the Cowboys always suck in December. Minnesota 26 New Jersey 23.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – OTNAs over Browns. The Browns have to win at least one game this season.  This one won’t be it. Do something you’ve been putting off – like having open heart surgery – rather than waste 3 hours of your precious Sunday afternoon watching this beastly bowel battle.  Landover, Md 17 Cleveland 0.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 3

Leave a reply

Well crap! Last week Red was 2-4 again, dragging season totals down to 4-8 which, let Red tell ya’, is a hole that is mighty hard to dig yourself out of. And those hanging on to Red’s Sure Bet Pick of the Week, sure lost their shorts and possibly their socks too.  So with trepidation in his heart, Red forges on undaunted by lack of success.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Cardinals over Bills. Red is going against the double forward time zone, obverse latitudinal, differential seasonal onset hex on this one.  But the Bills look truly lost and the Cardinals are coming off an absolute shellacking of what Red thinks is a pretty decent Buccaneers team.  Moreover, the Cards have weapons, while the Bills have wounds. After last week’s SBPOW, which had “Seahawks Blowout” written all over it – albeit in disappearing ink, Red is reluctant to call anything sure.  The line looks to be about -4 for the Cardinals right now.  If it drops to -3, jump on it.  Red also likes the under at 47.5.  Arizona 24 Orchard Park 14.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Lions over Packers. The foul odor of defeat is permeating the western shores of Lake Michigan. Something has happened to previously considered god-like A. Rodgers.  His all to mortal feet have been stuck in the permafrost for almost a full season now.  Since last November, the great one has varied between mediocre and terrible.  Rodgers has not posted a QB rating of over 100 in his last 14 games and his 3 fumble, 1 interception game against the Vikings last week made Texans fans start thinking – Hey, Brian Hoyer wasn’t so bad after all.  Don’t get Red wrong, the Lions suck and beating the Packers will not be easy. But that is why they are the UPOW.  Detroit City 31 Green Bay 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Giants over OTNAs.  For those who thought Kirk Cousins was the answer in old DC (or environs), Red asks – What was the question?  What will it take for our team to regress from mediocrity back to true suckitude?  What overrated QB can Dumbass Dan over pay this season?  How can we extend almost 25 years of playoff misery?  Where’s my head?  Answers to all these questions and more, next week.  New Jersey 29 Landover, MD 3.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Bears over Cowboys.  For the record, Red is perfectly fine with Dak Prescott being the “new” Tony Romo.  That being the Tony Romo that will end his career having won all of two meaningless first round playoff games and having repeatedly choked his team out of the playoffs in December.  Chicago 13 Arlington 11.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Saints over Falcons. Only because under this new self-imposed format Red has to pick one of the prime time games and he waited too late to blow it on the Texans-Patriots game. New Orleans 21 Atlanta 10.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Dophins over Browns. Of all the games likely to offend Red’s olfactory senses this season, this one could be the most fetid of all.  Lock up all sharp objects and have some duck tape oven mitts on your hands if you dare to watch this terrible turd tilt, lest ye be tempting sever you carotid artery well before the two minute warning of this one.  Miami 3 Cleveland 2.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 2

Leave a reply

Last week Red was 2-4  and most embarrassingly missing out on the Sure Bet of the Week in picking the Panthers to cover the spread and going with the over. That Timmy – is why you should not try this at home.  Leave it to the professionals who can afford to lose their lunch money – like old Uncle Red.  Face it, Red had a bad week but still was oh so ever close to “drinking coffee and smoking fine cigars” ala Johnny Cash.  The Panthers, Jaguars, Lions and Cardinals lost games by a collective 11 points and sank Papa Red’s first week.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Seahawks over Rams. After last week, Red is only going out on a really strong limb that is supported by a steel column driven firmly into the bedrock.  The Hawk are only giving up 6.5 on some books – which seems like a steal.  But Red is getting “NL” from a few sources – meaning blow out coming.  Red is indifferent about a 38.5 over under.  Take the Seahawks and give up to 9.5 points – but no more.  Seattle 28 Los Angeles 9.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers over Cardinals. Four touchdown drives of over 75 yards have Red believing. Four touchdown passes to four different targets has Red believing. The Doug Martin-Charles Sims tandem has Red believing.  Then Red remembers it was a win over the Falcons.  Fortunately, Red is pretty good at that whole “willing suspension of disbelief” thing.   History says that this will be a close game.  History lies.  Tampa Bay 31 Arizona 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Bengals over Stealers [sic].  When they last met the “Stealers” lived up (or down as the case may be) to their name when they stole a playoff win from the Bengals.  In reality, the Bengals’ loss was self-inflicted with incredibly stupid penalties by Vontaze Burfict and Adam (formerly PacMan) Jones allowing the Stealers a chance at a last second field goal to win.  SI had the headline right – “Bengals lose all control as all hell breaks loose in loss to Stealers.”  Red salutes SI as it is hard to use lose, loose and loss in one headline and actually get it right.  Bengals are back at full strength with Red Rifle at the helm. Stupidity is kept in check on Sunday in Steeltown.  Cincinnati 28 Pittsburgh 17.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans over Chiefs.  Speaking of recent playoff humiliation – Red can’t really recall one worse than the 30-0 ass-whomping the Chiefs put on the Texans in January.  It looked like a Division 6A team playing a six-man squad.  There is no real reason to think that the Texans can compete with the Chiefs – even though Red has the Chiefs as the most overrated team in the league.  But a man can dream can’t he?  Houston 25 Chiefs 23.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Vikings over Packers. This could be Red’s NFL Game of the Week.  Packers came out sharp in the first half of the Week 1 win over the Jaguars. The furious second half field goal fest (2 for each team for a total of 12 second-half points) showed that the Pack has some work left to do.  Meanwhile, the Vikings walked over the doormat Titans. No such scheduling luck this week.  Shaun Hill showed enough to hold on to the starter’s job for at least another week.  He surprises everyone this week by taking Player of the Week honors in a big win over the Pack.  Minnesota 27 Green Bay 24 .

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – OTNA’s over Cowboys. The OTNA’s put a merciful bullet in the head of the Cowboy’s season when these two old rivals last met in January. Of course, the OTNA’s had something to play for.  They were 5-7 with four games to play after a humiliating loss to the Cowboys in Week 13.  But they rallied to win four in a row and the NFC East while averaging an incredible 33 points a game.  Much has changed since then, but the Cowboys still look like the dogs of the East.  Landover MD 35 Arlington 20.