Tag Archives: 2016 Presidential Campaign

Anticipating Tonight’s GOP Debate

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With all the hubbub, hoo-hah, and general commotion surrounding Dr. Ben Carson’s claim to have stabbed someone as a youth, Red anticipates that the other presidential hopefuls on the GOP side may feel compelled to come up with their anecdotes showing how they have risen from their troubled past and become the better person for it.

Rand Paul –  Once refused to tip his hairdresser when she cut his hair too short.

Ted Cruz – Never killed anyone himself, but his Dad Rafael, was part of team of assassins who were dispatched to kill deposed Cuban dictator Fulgencio Bautista but were thwarted when FB had the impertinence to die of a heart attack just days before the planned assassination.  Ted himself did once unleash a brutal tongue lashing that reduced a first grade classmate to quivering jelly after cutting in front of Ted in the boy’s restroom.  Ted really had to pee very badly.

Jeb!!!!$$$$? – Whacked a fraternity brother up side of the head with a pledge paddle when he refused to give Jeb!!!!$$$$? a copy of an old Econ 101 final.  Jeb!!!!$$$$? made a C.

Marco Rubio –  Tried to attack a convenience store clerk with a switchblade.  Luckily, it was only Marco’s switchblade comb.

Carly Fiorina – Too many school yard cat fights to pick out one in particular.

Donald Trump –  Paid local toughs to beat up kid who made fun of his hair.  This happened more than once.

John Kasich –  Food fight in the men’s locker room at his country club.  Couldn’t get a decent tee time for several months.

Chris Christie – Sat on little brother until he forked over allowance.

Mike Huckabee – Body slammed gay man in the mosh pit.

Bobby Jindal –  Peed in neighbor’s back yard.

The Short List of the Accomplishments of Ted Cruz

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Red has put together a short list of the accomplishments of Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) since entering elective office:

  1. Chosen by Senate colleagues as “Most-Hated” in a landslide.
  2. Set new standard for shameless self-promotion.
  3. Shut-down government for a short time and tanked his party’s polling numbers.
  4. Didn’t waste valuable time attempting to pass actual legislation.
  5. Took grandstanding to a new level.
  6. Made record number of speeches to an empty Senate chamber.
  7. Became more convinced that he is World’s Smartest Man.
  8. Put the Tea back in Tea Party.
  9. Boosted sales of ugly black cowboy boots.
  10. Became pen-pals with Justin Trudeau.

Meanwhile, the Jeb!!!!$$$$? “Campaign” plans to highlight the complete lack of accomplishments.  The Texas Tribune has the skinny on Jeb!!!!$$$$?’s latest attempt to take down Ted.

“We feel really good about Texas,” said Jeb Bush campaign manager Danny Diaz, suggesting in an interview late Wednesday that Cruz has little to show Texans after three years in the Senate. “Where’s the accomplishments?” 

“The reality is, we look forward to communicating our record of accomplishment, the most conservative record of accomplishment in the field, versus others, and that includes Sen. Cruz,” Diaz told The Texas Tribune following the third Republican presidential debate here at the University of Colorado Boulder. “Sen. Cruz has not distinguished himself” either by repealing Obamacare or keeping the nation’s debt from exploding. 

“So the reality is, once again, good floor speeches, great PowerPoint, but when it comes time to get things done, where’s the accomplishments?” Diaz asked. “So as we discuss these differences with Texans and others, we’re going to highlight the most accomplished conservative record in the field versus folks in the field that don’t have any really discernible accomplishments.”

Red’s Awards from Last Night’s GOP Debate

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While much of the media is focused on who won or lost, Red believes that, much like U6 Soccer, everyone who shows up deserves a participation award.  So in no particular order, Red gives the following awards to the participants in last night’s GOP debate:

Jeb!!!!$$$$?  –  The Why am I Even Here and Not Already Been Proclaimed President Award

Ted Cruz –  The Angriest Man Alive Award

John Kasich – The Hopelessly Rational Human Stuck in a Lunatic Asylum Award

Donald Trump –  The “Fuck You” Money Award

Mike Huckabee – The Just Damn Glad to be Here and Insult Fat People Award

Ben Carson – The Smooth Jazz FM Radio Deejay Award

Chris Christie – The I Can’t Believe I’m Losing to These Guys Award

Carly Fiorina – The Sure I Was an Incompetent CEO but With Enough Lies People Will Forget Award

Marco Rubio – The Vote for Me Because I’m Not Yet Tired and Old Like Bush Award

Rand Paul – The Really, We Almost Forgot You Were There Award

GOP Debate Bingo Card from USA Today.

Jeb!!!!$$$$? Vents

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Jeb!!!!$$$$? may have blown the last clear chance he had at winning the GOP nomination when he vented in public about his opponents and how he really has much better things to do than be President.  While campaigning in South Carolina last weekend, Jeb!!!!$$$$? revealed the following:

If this election is about how we’re going to fight to get nothing done, then I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want to be elected president to sit around and see gridlock just become so dominant that people literally are in decline in their lives. That is not my motivation. I’ve got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around, being miserable, listening to people demonize me and me feeling compelled to demonize them. That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.

So Red felt compelled to compile a list of ten “really cool things” that Jeb!!!!$$$$? could do other than be President.

  1. Hold an actual Tea Party – you know with crumpets and cucumber sandwiches and all.
  2. Teach a first grade bilingual education class.
  3. Take a job at the Land Office working for son George P. Bush with out the Bush fils first complying with the Texas requirement that all job openings be publicly posted.
  4. Write that spy novel he’s been kicking around for several years.
  5. Brush up on his Jai Alai game.
  6. Get a personality transplant.
  7. Rhumba with Columba.
  8. Create a line of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump and Ben Carson voodoo dolls.
  9. Challenge Mitt Romney to a boxing match – loser has to endorse Donald Trump.
  10. Go home and never be heard from again.

The Sinking Ship that is JEB!!!!$$$$?

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Red never likes to predict the demise of a particular political campaign, but a strong stench of failure is starting to emanate from the halls of the JEB!!!!$$$$? campaign.   First, JEB!!!!$$$$? announces that he is cutting back on staff, taking some campaign workers off of payroll, and cutting spending by almost half.  Then JEB!!!!$$$$? futilely lashes out again at an apparently Teflon-encrusted Trump making himself even more of punching bag for The Donald.  Then he dashes back to Texas to consult with Mom and Dad and big Bubba – the same Mom who said the country had had enough of the Bushes – or words to that effect, and the same big Bubba whose presidency set a new standard for failure that few could aspire to match.  Words of advice – always listen to Mom and ignore big Bubba.  And now the latest polls show that JEB!!!!$$$$? is in 4th place in Florida – his adopted home state where he was actually Governor for two terms – behind Trump, Carson and Rubio.  Apparently the good voters of the Sunshine State know a bad thing when they see one and the JEB!!!!$$$$? campaign cannot be characterized as anything other than incompetent and awful at this point.  But Red remembers 2008 when a battered and bruised John McCain limped into the New Year and then destroyed the competition – before the utter incompetency of the W. Bush administration ended any chance he had to win the general election.  Red doesn’t think JEB!!!!$$$$? has McCain’s fighting chops, but it’s too early to write anyone off that is still polling above a dead man or Rick Perry.

As They Say – Will Rogers Never Met Ted Cruz

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The Texas Tribune reports that former President George W. Bush has little use for Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) and has no reluctance to let that be known.   At a fundraiser JEB!!!!$$$$?, Bush did not hold back about his feelings for the Tea Party firebrand and GOP presidential hopeful.  Bush joins a growing class of GOP stalwarts whose animosity for Cruz is thinly veiled at best.

“I just don’t like the guy,” Bush said at the Denver fundraiser, as reported by Politico. One unnamed donor told the news organization, “I was like, ‘Holy sh-t, did he just say that?’ I remember looking around and seeing that other people were also looking around surprised.”

Another donor told Politico, “He sort of looks at this like Cruz is doing it all for his own personal gain, and that’s juxtaposed against a family that’s been all about public service and doing it for the right reasons. He’s frustrated to have watched Cruz basically hijack the Republican Party of Texas and the Republican Party in Washington.”

Cruz has criticized Bush’s record as president but his stint on Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign figures prominently in the candidate’s political biography.

Cruz gave a statement to Politico that simultaneously called on those happier associations while pushing back against Bush’s assertions. “I have great respect for George W. Bush, and was proud to work on his 2000 campaign and in his administration,” Cruz told Politico. “It’s no surprise that President Bush is supporting his brother and attacking the candidates he believes pose a threat to his campaign. I have no intention of reciprocating. I met my wife Heidi working on his campaign, and so I will always be grateful to him.”

Well, Red and W had to agree on something someday.

Red Reviews the Dems

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Red watched as much of the Democratic Presidential Debate as he could stand last night.  If it weren’t for the awful performance of the GOP candidates in their debate, Red would have to be even harsher in his criticism of these five.  Here goes:

Hillary Clinton –  Is there anything that does not make Hillary want to break into her bland Midwestern smile?  Terrorism – smile.  Our dead diplomats in Benghazi  – smile.  Email scandal – smile.  Police shootings – smile.  It is somewhat unnerving to have a candidate who apparently finds everything at least somewhat amusing.  Red will say this – Hillary’s makeup people are incredible.  She looked 40 years old last night; which is also a little unnerving.  What does come through is that while Hillary is polished and professional, she really believes in nothing other than Hillary and will do or say whatever she thinks will get her elected.  Not exactly what Red is looking for in a candidate.

Bernie Sanders – We have no doubt about what Bernie stands for and that he will go down with that ship.  There is no doubt about his passion for working to improve things for ordinary Americans and attacking the oligarchs of Wall Street.  But will that ever sell with enough of the American electorate?  It seems doubtful, and one can only imagine the right-wing attack dogs that would come out of every hole and corner were Bernie to actually get the Democratic nod.  But at least someone is talking about the issues that the others are dodging.  Still, Bernie comes across as the crotchety old economics professor who knows better than everyone else and by gum is going to tell you about it.

Martin O’Malley – Martin might be getting some serious traction if all the air in the room were not being sucked up by Hillary and Bernie.  Looks Presidential – never a bad thing – but hardly enough to want to vote for him.  Martin made no real mistakes, but neither did he score much.  He was impressive on the Iraq war fiasco and explaining where Hillary and others went wrong.  He has a better track record of executive decision-making experience than the other four candidates combined, but that apparently is not impressing anyone right now.

Jim Webb – Desperately trying to get noticed and complaining about your lack of screen time will not help your cause in a big time debate.  Red will say this – when the shit hits the fan, Webb is the only one of this group that seems like he would know exactly what to do.  But what a stiff performance he gave last night.  You want someone as your President who you actually might like, not someone who looks ready to apply a choke-hold at any moment.

Lincoln Chaffee – Don’t remind us that you only became a U.S. Senator because your father passed away.

Overall, Red was unimpressed.  The debate was at least civil – no Ted Cruz throwing bombs at everyone but Trump.  But it lacked a pulse for much of the evening.

Cruz Lines up Texas Tea Party Support – Big Whoop!

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The Houston Chronicle reports that Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) has lined up the support of numerous Tea Party denizens of the Texas Legislature.  Red is not sure how that is going to help him in Iowa where a decent showing is surely critical.  Cruz is currently staggering around in sixth place in most national polls, but ranges anywhere from third to sixth in Iowa.  Still, Red has to admit that even sixth place is an impressive feat for a politician that has NOT ACCOMPLISHED A SINGLE THING in his not quite TWO YEARS in actual elective office.  The Canadian-born Cruz talks a good game to his rabid base of right wing loonies, but he has yet to show much broader appeal.  Maybe that day will come now that Cruz has lined up the craziest of the inmates of the Texas Legislative Asylum.  With Tea Party favorites like Konni Burton, Matt Krause and Doug Miller backing him, Cruz is sure to rocket to the top.

But Cruz can’t match the endorsement chops of Ben Carson.  Carson, who looks more and more clueless with each passing minute, has snagged the coveted endorsements of Kid Rock, Roger McGuinn, Richard Petty and Mickey Rourke.  If that isn’t a lineup sure to sway the national consensus in Ben’s direction, Red doesn’t know what is.

John Cornyn Must Really Hate this Guy

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Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) continued his assault on Republican leadership yesterday before a nearly empty Senate chamber.  Cruz seemed desperate to vent on the GOP powers that be as part of his flagging “outsider” campaign for President.  The focus yesterday was the GOP’s failure to defund Planned Parenthood and block the Iran treaty. Cruz was practically frothing and at times, it was very hard to tell who Cruz hates more – Pres. Obama or the GOP leadership.  But that is so often the case with the professional Haters such as Cruz.  In contrast, Red thinks that it is becoming perfectly clear that Sen. John Cornyn and other stalwarts of the GOP in Congress likely hate Cruz with a white hot passion that far exceeds their loathing of Obama.  The Texas Tribune has the full story on Cruz’s latest diatribe.

In an hour-long speech on a nearly empty Senate floor that ended when he could not gain permission to continue, the state’s junior senator and presidential hopeful expanded his usual criticisms of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., to include outgoing House Speaker John Boehner. Cruz also lambasted fellow Texas U.S. Sen. John Cornyn, spoke of the recent lunar eclipse and boasted of a puzzling personal role in law enforcement.

“Speaker Boehner faced a conundrum,” Cruz said of Boehner’s abrupt decision to step down. “If he does what he and McConnell promised, which is funding all of Barack Obama’s priorities, he would have lost his job.” 

“And so what did he do?” Cruz asked. “He announced he’s resigning as speaker and resigning as a member of Congress.” 

He also took aim at his colleague from Texas, Majority Whip Cornyn. Dozens of times, he questioned the integrity of “Republican leadership,” a reference that includes Cornyn in his capacity as the second-ranking Senate Republican. 

He specifically called out Cornyn, along with a handful of other senior Republican senators, for voting down a Cruz amendment targeting funding for Planned Parenthood and the Iran nuclear weapons deal via voice vote. 

In contrast, Cruz cast himself and conservative senators and House members who frequently vote with him as the only elected members performing their jobs with the will of the American public in mind.  

The speech lasted until his colleagues refused to extend his allotted time. Along the way, Cruz made several pop culture references — the Sunday night lunar eclipse, the movie “The Terminator” and the novel “Brave New World” — not an altogether unimaginable departure from his marathon 2013 speech two years ago which included a reading of “Green Eggs and Ham.” 

He also claimed the mantle of the badge: 

“I’m an alumnus of the U.S.  Department of Justice,” he said. “I was an associate deputy attorney general. I spent much of my adult life working in law enforcement.” 

Cruz served in that position for six months, according to his online LinkedIn.

Red will sleep more soundly at night now that he knows Chief Assistant Deputy Constable Trainee, Part-time Dog Catcher and Self-Proclaimed Piece Officer Ted Cruz is on the job.  Canada’s loss is our gain. And Red knows how to spell Peace, just in case you were wondering.