Author Archives: Red from Texas

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About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Vote!

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Early voting turnout in the most populous Texas counties has been remarkable.  Apparently both sides are motivated to turn out the voting.  In the 30 counties that comprise about 78% of Texas voters, early turnout has already surpassed the total votes cast in the 2014 midterm elections.  Early turnout in these counties has been about 4.8 million votes case as compared to just over 2 million early votes in 2014.

The rule has always been that bigger turnout favors Democratic candidates.  But Red suspects that the surprisingly exciting Senate race pitting Beto v. Lyin’ Ted has a lot to do with this surge in turnout.   Red will be a winner either way in this race.  If the charismatic Beto wins then Texas will be represented by someone who actually cares about the state – rather than the current occupant whose agenda basically consists of the greater glorification of all things Ted Cruz coupled with the most naked ambition witnessed in several decades of watching Texas politics (LBJ can hardly hold a candle to Lyin’ Ted).  But if LT wins, then Red still has someone to kick around for another 6 years – and kicking Ted is like shooting alligators in swimming pool.

Texas voters are likely also casting their ballots in a referendum on the first two years of the Reality TV Show Joke of a Presidency aka the Trump Administration.  Those who really like reality TV and disfavor actual reality (or “fake news” in Trumph parlance) are coming out to support Trumph.  On the other side, those who have been horrified by the continual onslaught of daily falsehoods, fabrications and duplicity, and the racist fear-mongering, hatred, maniacal egotism and rampant nepotism and profiteering that are the hallmarks of the current White House occupant are also out in force to be heard – even in deep red Texas.

So regardless of your particular stripe, Red urges you to go and vote if you have not exercised the franchise already.  The people get the government they deserve and in Texas we have been getting a lot of it for a long time.  All Red knows is that Tuesday will either be exciting and down to the wire or same old story of one-party dominance in his beloved Texas.  So go out and vote – or cease complaining.

The Passing of a Legend – Willie McCovey

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“McCovey is off the table!”

That’s how Red felt about Willie McCovey as a young man.  McCovey passed away this week at the age of 80.

At age 21, McCovey made his Major League Baseball debut with the San Francisco Giants by going 4 for 4 with two RBIs on July 30, 1959 and went on to win the Rookie of the Year award despite playing only one half of the season.  McCovey finished his Hall of Fame career (inducted on the first ballot in 1986) with 2211 hits, 521 homeruns, 1555 RBIs and a career .270 batting average.  McCovey is honored by the Giants franchise with the unofficially named McCovey Cove behind the right field wall of AT&T Park.  78 Giants and 47 players from other MLB clubs have hit home runs out of the park into McCovey’s cove – one of the few places in MLB parks that a player can hit one out of the stadium.  His 18 career grand slams are a MLB record.

McCovey’s best season was in 1969 when he had a career high in hits (157), Homeruns (45),  RBI’s(126), OBS (.453), SLG (.656), and OPS (1.108) and was the NL MVP. McCovey appeared in six all-star games (winning the AS MVP award in 1969).  McCovey played for 22 years until 1980 and stayed with the Giants organization for another 18 seasons.

Red was lucky enough to see McCovey play once at the Astrodome in Houston in the first MLB game he ever attended.  Red also doesn’t recall anyone ever saying a bad word about this man.

 

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 9

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Red was unavoidably called to other duty and had to skip Week 8.  Normally Red only allows himself one ‘bye’ week, but sometimes life gets in the way.

So for Week 7, Red actually picked 8 games with a bonus 3 game Shit Bowl selection. Red managed to eke out a 4-4 record after having foolishly bet against the Patriots and non so foolishly the Texans and the Colts.  That makes Red 16-22 for the season.  Don’t head to Vegas just yet.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chargers over Seahawks.  Two teams enter.  One team leaves.  Well, both teams leave.  But only one team leaves feeling good about its prospects going into the second half of the season.  In a common theme this week, the Chargers only losses are to the Rams and Chiefs which puts them in good company.  Other than that they have beaten the weaklings (Browns, Raiders, Niners, Bills) and not very convincingly (with the exception of the beat down on the Browns).  So is this a good team, or one looking for a place to fall?  The Seahawks are more of a mixed bag with a fairly lame offense and the standard loss to the Rams.  So this is your typical mid-season battle between two wannabe teams that need a win to stay competitive in their respective divisions which are headed by the two first-half powerhouses of the league.  That’s what makes this one the GOTW.  Enjoy the fireworks.  Los Angeles 34 Seattle 28.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over Broncos.  The additions of Demaryius Thomas helps assuage the loss of Will Fuller V for the season but we all knew that was going to happen at some point.  Unfortunately, the very talented Mr. Fuller cannot avoid the annual season-ending injury.  On another note, just call Red gob-smacked that the Texans have managed to win five in a row after starting 0-3 with losses to the sad sack Giants and Titans.  Meanwhile in the Mile High State, the Broncos have played a relatively tough schedule reasonably well.  The losses to the Chiefs, Rams and Chiefs again are totally understandable.  But other than the season opener against the Seahawks they have yet to beat a good team – and calling the Seahawks a good team is a bet of stretch right now.  Calling the Texans a good team is likewise premature, but a win on the road and a 6-3 record speaks for itself.  If that happens.  Red won’t be surprised at the outcome either way, but slightly favors the Texans coming off a long rest week.  Houston 24 Denver 20.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Patriots over Packers.  Red has bet against the Patriots one too many times this season.  He sees no reason to think that the Packers can stroll into Foxboro and beat a team that has a certain game plan, never panics and doesn’t make many mistakes.  In fact, it is hard to fathom exactly how the Pats have lost two games – to the Jaguars and Lions no less.  Meanwhile a 3-3-1 record is not going over well with the Packers patrons.  And 3-4-1 will be even less palatable at the half-way point of what appears to be another lost season.  Well at least you might not have Scott Walker to kick around anymore.  New England 31 Green Bay 20.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Stealers over Ravens.  There was a point in time when this was a game to look forward to.  Alas, no more.  Mediocrity reigns in the AFC Central and both teams exemplify mediocrity at the half pole.  Watch if you must, but don’t say Red didn’t warn you.  Pittsburgh 28 Baltimore 17.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week  – Saints over Rams.  This really should be the GOTW GOTW but it was the only game this week featuring a team (Rams) to play at least two time zones away.  Anyway, few teams make it through the season unscathed.   The Rams sit at 8-0 by virtue of blowing out the weak sisters (Raiders, Niners, Cardinals) and scoring just enough to beat the better teams by no more than one score (Packers, Broncos, Seahawks, Vikings).  The 3 wins against the lamest of the lame were by a total of 83 points.  In contrast the 4 wins over real competition were by a total of 14 points.   The only anomaly is their 12 point win over what appears to be a damn good Chargers team.  That’s what really good teams do – roll and smoke the smokeable and win the close ones.  The Saints have played a tougher schedule to date with only the NY Football Patsies as a weak link and sit at 6-1 having reeled off six wins after the wild 48-40 opening loss to the Buccaneers.  The slight time zone inverse humidity hex combined with the friendly confines of the Superdome may make the difference here as the Saints faithful will be whipped into a frenzy by the prospect of knocking off the clear NFC favorite so far.  This one goes down to the wire. New Orleans 43 Los Angeles 38. 

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Raiders over 49ers.  A real no-brainer this week as the Battle of the Bay is more like the Battle of the Bowl (Toilet Bowl that is).  The Raiders and Niners have combined to lose 13 games, a starting quarterback, the best defensive player in the league, a stand-out wide receiver, their last shreds of dignity, respect and the interest of fans.   So what a Thursday night treat!  Actually this game is what Thursday night football is all about – putting up a game on National TV that hard core football junkies will watch no matter how shitty the on-field product actually is.  So hats off to the NFL front office for pulling this one over on a gullible population.  Remember to turn off the car engine if you happen to be listening to this beastly bowel battle on the old AM Radio when pulling into your three car garage, lest ye be tempted to sit there and put an end to your football watching misery.  Oakland 3 Santa Clara 2.

Trump’s Favorite Dictators

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In honor of Trump’s visit to Houston today, Red will take the time to sort through the list of the President’s favorite strongmen – in other words, those guys he really looks up to for inspiration – along with comments from the Pres.

10. Tayyip Erdogan – Turkey.  He’s an authoritarian who dispatches opponents with ease.  Also an Islamist, but no one’s perfect.

9. Rodrigo Duterte – Philippines.    This guy has had thousands of scumbags killed and actually offed a few himself.  What’s not to like?

8. Benjamin Netanyahu – Israel.  Only a half-dictator really (to the Palestinians).  Step up your game Bibi. Does get extra points for overt corruption.

7. Saparmurat Niyazov—Turkmenistan.  Oh what I wouldn’t give for a personality cult like this dude has created.  Right now I’m at about 40% of the way there.  Damn Democrats.  Sad.  Still can’t pronounce his name.

6. Aleksandr Lukashenko—Belarus.  Europe’s last remaining strong guy.  President for 26 years now.  Hang in there Alek.  You’re a shining example for the rest of us.

5. Nicolas Maduro – Venezuela.  Wait!  How did he get in here?

4. Vladimir Putin – Russia.  You thought he would rank higher, right? Vlad’s slipping a little bit but I still believe every word he says.

3. Mohammed bin Salah – Saudi Arabia.  Really getting into this guy right now.  He actually kills journalists who talk trash about him. How cool is that?

2. Kim Jung Un – North Korea. What can I say.  We fell in love.

1. Donald J. Trump.  Oh yeah, like it was going to be someone else.

Quote for the Day

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” . . . . .”

Sen. Rafael “Lyin’ Ted” Cruz (TP-Texas).

And that is the sound of the six seconds of awkward silence from Cruz when he was asked at his second debate with Congressman Beto O’Rourke, “Tell us something you’ve done in the last year that has nothing to do with politics that would give Texans insight to who you are as a person.”

Cruz had no real answer after the prolonged silence because there is no possible insight into who Lyin’ Ted is as a normal human being.   He is entirely a political creature consumed by narcissism and completely dedicated to the greater advancement of all things Ted Cruz.  Nothing else matters to him but his quest to become President.

Quote for the Day

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“I will be doing a major rally for Senator Ted Cruz in October. I’m picking the biggest stadium in Texas.”

Donald Trump (aka Trumph – the Insult Comic President™).

It turns out, the rally on October 22, will be at NRG Arena an aging tiny dump of a venue that seats about 8000 and has exactly four events on its schedule between now and the end of March other than hosting exciting events like mule pulling during the Houston Rodeo and Livestock Show.   Trump aides claim that they could not get NRG Stadium (75,000+) or Toyota Center (19,000) for the event scheduled for the first day of early voting.  But what was so special about that date?  And in fact, there are at least a half dozen larger venues in the state (ATT Stadium in Arlington, Anerican Airlines Center in Dallas, Minute Maid Park in Houston, the Alamodome and AT&T Center in San Antonio,  Fort Worth Convention Center).

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 7

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As they round the far turn, Red was 2-4 for the week, 10 lengths off the pace, and now in a 12-18 hole for the season.  This week 6-0 for sure!  Red never says “die”  – an expression which has never made much sense to him anyway.

Notes from last week: 

At the end of the Chiefs-Patriots game, the Chiefs players were walking off the field looking like – “Yep, we can play with these guys!” The Pats were looking like “Thank god we survived that onslaught!”   Red originally predicted a Stealer/Chiefs AFC Championship game – but it is looking more and more like the Pats will be there.

The Cowboys offense just had their one good game of the season.  Meanwhile, the Jaguars have to be wondering what happened to their defense after getting smoked two weeks in a row.

The Texans were lucky to survive yet again and would be leading the AFC South but for an inexplicable loss to the sad sack Giants.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bears over Patriots.  Given the massive turnover in rosters within 2-3 years for your average NFL team, Red puts no stock in ancient football history.  But even so the Bears have not beaten the Patriots in forever.  Actually, the Bears did win in 2000 in the pre-Brady era (it seems so long ago now) but since whipping the Pats in Superb Owl XX, the Bears are 1-7 against the Pats.  And despite misgivings, Red simply thinks the Bears are due.  They certainly are smarting after getting beat by the Dolphins and much-maligned QB Brock Osweiler.  The venom on Houston Sports Talk Radio regarding said BO two seasons later is still somewhat disconcerting – after all the guy did steer the team to one of your glorious franchise’s three ever playoff wins.  But Red digresses.  Despite last week, the Bears have a good defense and look for Khalil Mack and gang to be putting serious pressure on the timeless wonder.  The Bears score just enough points to win a close one.  Chicago 20 New England 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week – Chiefs over Bengals.  This could be the GOTWGOTW but Red is a little tired of hyping the Andy Reid Hour starring Patrick Mahomes and featuring Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce.  It’s the hit series of the Fall so far.  And the Chiefs get another Sunday night slot to show the NFL exactly how explosive this offense really is.  Bengals are still the big surprise of the season so far – notwithstanding the inexplicable breakdown against the Stealers last week.  No breakdowns needed this week.  Mahomes is back on again because if he isn’t throwing four TDs a game it’s an off week.  Red Rifle and crew make a valiant effort to keep up against a Chiefs defense that has yet to learn the valuable art of tackling.  Kansas City 45 Cincinnati 39.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Jaguars over Texans.  Texans have done yeomanlike work in getting back to 3-3 after a pathetic start.  But yeomanlike probably doesn’t get it against a Jaguars defense that is either confused and lost or angry and looking to get even.  Red is betting on the latter this week and woe be to Deshaun Watson if Red is right.  He will not last the season at the rate Bill O’ Clown is using up his nine lives.  If Red were running the show, he would write this one off and sacrifice Brandon Weeden to the lions (or their close cousins) this week.  The Texans have seven winnable games on the schedule after this one before closing with tough matchups against the Eagles and Jags again.  That could put you at 9-7 which might win the division or 10-6 which almost certainly will.  Think about it Billy.  The Texans might even be able to win with Weeden if Blake Bortles is not having one of his five weeks of the season where he actually resembles a real NFL quarterback.  Red just hopes that Watson makes it through in one piece.  Jacksonville 24 Houston 16.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Ravens over Saints.  The irresistible force meets the unmovable object here.  That’s a problem Red could never solve and does not make for exciting football.  Ravens defense wins the day. It’s close but not exciting.  Baltimore 17 New Orleans 16.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – Chargers over Titans.  Some think that the Chargers have the nads to compete with the Chiefs and win the AFC West.  Some still believe in Santa Claus.  Don’t get Red wrong, the Chargers are good – especially for a team with no home field advantage and 37 fans on a good Sunday.  It’s just kind of sad that great careers like those of Phillip Rivers and LaDanian Tomlinson went to the Chargers to die.  But this week the possibility of glory is still alive because just right now the Titans are pathetic.  Marcus M. was sacked 11 times last week – Yep, 11 times!  All this while completing a mere 10 passes.  So while the Chargers really don’t need a triple time zone reverse hillbilly factor hex this week over a sadly inept Titans’ offense, it sure won’t hurt.  This will be a good old fashioned butt-whipping.  Los Angeles 42 Tennessee 10.

This Week’s Shit Bowl –    There is a plethora of choices this week’s excruciating excrement exhibition.  Just to let you in on a little of the Inside Baseball that goes on here at ParadiseinHell.net, the Shit Bowl is typically awarded to the teams with the most combined losses – unless of course there is a team of historic ineptitude (typically in past years the Browns) playing a team with a decent record.  So if the 0-15 Browns are playing a 10-5 Ravens team, the 20 losses might not qualify the game for the Shit Bowl if there are two “going-nowhere in a hurry” 6-9 teams butting heads.  This early in the season that is not usually a problem.  But this week we have three matchups between teams with a combined 9 losses.  Bills/Colts, Broncos/Cardinals and Giants/Falcons.  A veritable brown feast of ineptitude.  So just for you Red is calling all three.  Bills should have won last week and do so this week against a horrible Colts outfit.  Broncos are bad but good enough to beat a team so bad that even Sam Bradford can’t hold down a job.  And while the Falcons seemed to have joined the Flat Earth Society and fallen off the edge, they should be able to beat a Giants franchise clinging to its last shreds of dignity.  But please, please put away all the painkillers before you sit down to watch this parade of football futility lest ye be tempted to put an end to it all before halftime.  Bills 24 Colts 19. Broncos 9 Cardinals 6 and Falcons 42 Giants 21. 

The Amarillo Sod Poodles?

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Little dogs on the prairie - Defenders of Wildlife Blog

This year it was announced that the long-time San Antonio Missions (currently a AA affiliate of the San Diego Padres) would be packing up and heading north to Amarillo.  As the existing team mascot seemed inappropriate for a city with no Missions, the club set out on a mission to find a new mascot.  There were five finalists – the Bronc Busters (boring), the Boot Scooters (lame), the Long Haulers (better but with possible porn overtones),  the Jerky (who names a team after a food item and this one probably has more porn overtones than the Long Haulers) and the Sod Poodles (???).

Well, what pray tell is a Sod Poodle?  Red was a bit embarrassed to learn that it as old name for the five species of stout, short-legged, short-tailed terrestrial squirrels commonly known as prairie dogs and represented in Texas by Cynomys ludovicianus.  The name prairie dog derives from the barks or yipping calls of the  diurnal rodents who congregate in large underground colonies across the short grass plains of North America.

Well, you might be able to guess which name Red gets behind.  While Red has no love lost for squirrels in general, prairie dogs have somehow never gotten on his bad side and they are fun to watch.  And the Sod Poodles would be in line with such other imaginative minor league mascots as the Lug Nuts, Sand Gnats, River Bandits, Iron Pigs, Mud Hens, Chihuahuas,  Flying Squirrels, Yard Goats, Jumbo Shrimp, Muck Dogs and Hose Jockeys (Okay, Red made that last one up).

And Root, Root, Root for the Sod Poodles would actually kind of make sense.

File it under “It’s About Time” – Catholic Church to disclose names of all clergy accused of child abuse

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In 2019, the 15 Catholic dioceses in Texas have promised that they will release the names of priests who have been “credibly accused” of sexual abuse of a minor from 1950 on. The move was announced by Bishop Edward Burns of the Catholic Diocese of Dallas.   The Church indicated that the bishops from the 15 Texas dioceses decided on September 30 to release the lists of names by January 31, 2019 as part of their effort “to protect children from sexual abuse.”  One might argue that the priestly cows already left the barn while the Church was holding open the barn doors and even directing them to the next pasture where they could graze on unsuspecting Catholic youth.   Still, Red encourages any move in a positive direction towards further exposure of this horrific scandal that has eaten away at the very soul of the Church.  Priests need to know that there is now nowhere to hide and that as Dostoyevsky put it “the path to redemption leads through confession.”  But this confession needs to be in the public square not hidden in the confessional.   It will not heal the wounded, but it needs to be done.