Author Archives: Red from Texas

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About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Little Known Facts about Trumpy Bear

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The latest craze (in the literal sense of the word) to hit the stuffed animal market is Trumpy Bear – an orange haired, red tie wearing, sort of scowling stuffed “grizzly bear” that unzips in the back to reveal an American flag.  TB is not a spoof.  It’s merely a joke of real product that fairly well mirrors the “Reality TV Show Joke of Presidency” that is the Trumph administration.  TB is sold by a real Dallas-based company, Exceptional Products Inc.  Exceptional Products is a “direct response” company.  Such companies typically employ glib hucksters on extended TV commercials that urge gullible TV viewers to call now and get some miracle product that will enhance their lives in every possible way.   One of the company’s signature products is Plaque Attack — a dental spray to remove plaque and cure bad breath of dogs and cats – a major scourge for our nation.

Fortunately for his readers, Red has the inside track on some of the lesser known features of Trumpy Bear.

Optional Russian flag to represent Trumpy Bear’s true allegiance.

Secret toy knife for backstabbing disloyal loyalists.

Pre-programmed to grab genitals of any woman with 8+ rating.

Not suitable for playing in the rain – might get hair mussed.

Big Mac secret sauce stains on tie.

Also available –  Very hot Trumpy Bear Wife No. 4.

Self-pardoning.

Made in China so as to Make America Great Again.

Free to Fox News employees.

Golf ball storage compartment in butthole.  When your ball is lost and you don’t want to drop a stroke, TB secretly shits you a new one.

 

 

 

 

 

Quote for the Day

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“We’re here to let you know that the Texas speaker’s race is over. The House is ready to go.”

Rep. Dennis Bonnen (R-Angleton)

Bonnen appears primed to become the next Texas Speaker of the House.  Bonnen was something of a dark horse having repeatedly denied that he was interested in the job.  But support rather quickly coalesced around the feisty conservative and he claimed he had over 100 votes for Speaker – well above the 76 needed.  Bonnen has been a member of the house since 1997 and is a predictable “red meat” conservative vote on restricting abortion rights, promoting guns in the public arena, imposing onerous requirements on welfare recipients, and reducing public school funding.  He was also one of outgoing Speaker Joe Strauss’ lieutenants serving as Speaker Pro Tempore. Bonnen, however, does look to be something of a thorn in the side of Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick as he has clashed with the bombastic blowhard before.   The House will look different as Democrats picked up 12 seats and now may able to form coalitions with the few remaining moderate Republicans to advance some issues or block some of the more rabidly right-wing measures Bonnen has supported in the past.  Maybe Bonnen is smart enough to realize that there is a new game in Austin.  Or maybe not.

Red Watches Ultimate

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Red watched some American Ultimate Disc League (AUDL) games on ESPN earlier this year and found the sport to be surprisingly well-adapted for TV, fast moving and reasonably entertaining.  This semi-pro league is organized along sensible and sustainable lines with the players receiving a share of the gate and an interest in the team.  The current champion Madison Radicals have been in the league since 2013 and defeated the Dallas Roughnecks in August to claim the title.   The other Texas based team is the Austin Sol.

The rules are fairly simple as two teams face each other with the goal of scoring goals by passing a disc down the field.  Of course it’s a bit more complicated than that, but there is one rule that Red particularly likes.  After a goal is scored the teams switch sides – or in the words used on the playgrounds of Red’s youth – LOSERS WALK!

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 11

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Well Red was 3-3 for the week and running in place at 24-27 for the week.  Red will not bet against the Saints again.  He did call the Titans upset over the Patriots – so take that.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Chiefs over Rams.  Well sometimes it just speaks for itself.  This one needs no hype.  Two 9-1 teams (with both losses having come against stiff competition) roll into Estadio Azteca on del noche del proximo Lunes for this mid-season AFC/NFC marquee showdown.  The winner gets bragging rights and an inside track to a top playoff seed (the Rams need some help in that regard).  Red isn’t sure when there last was an AFC/NFC matchup of this caliber this late in the season.  These are the two top scoring offenses in the league and unless the turf in Mexico City is just awful, the Mexican faithful can expect a fireworks show extraordinaire.  Yes, Red knows that sometimes this turns into a tight defensive struggle, but he just can’t see it here with all the weapons that Mahomes and Goff have at their disposal guiding by two coaches who do not believe in holding their fire.  This could last a while so load up on the guacamole and nachos and enjoy the fiesta.  Red sticks with his Superb Owl favorite in this one.  Kansas City 48 Los Angeles 40.  Update:  Game moved to LA – Red sticks with his original call.

Your National TV Game of the Week –  Bears over Vikings.  Sunday night is overshadowed by the explosive Monday night game between the Chiefs and Rams.  Still this is a good matchup between two teams fighting for the NFC North lead going into the home stretch.  Although Red doesn’t see either of these teams factoring two much into the playoffs, this is still a big game that could decide this division.  Definitely worth watching and please God – let there be snow on Sunday night in the Windy City.  Red is ready for an old fashioned blizzard game.  Alas, there is a chance for light snow on Saturday.  Chicago 17 Minnesota 14.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Packers over Seahawks.  The 4-5 Seahawks seem to be appearing in a lot of Your DGOTW’s this season – and rightfully so.  The only question Red has is – why no one seems to talk about a “hot seat” for Pete the Cheat.  Maybe if he loses this one, the old rocking chair will be at least tepid.  Meanwhile, the Packers at 4-4-1 are the very picture of disappointment.  Ennui reigns this week as the winner keeps slim playoff hopes alive while the loser looks into the abyss of six more meaningless weeks of pain.  Green Bay 24 Seattle 17.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Texans over OTNAs.  Even if Red believed in Alex Smith, Adrian Peterson and the rest of the OTNA crew, he could never pick them to win this game or almost any game that wasn’t against the Cowboys.  Yes the OTNAs are one of the biggest surprises of the year coming into this game at 6-3 leading the NFC East.  But keep in mind that the OTNAs have scored exactly 176 points this season (that’s less than half of what the Chiefs have totaled) and given up 175.  Talk about your smoke and mirrors!   And what is truly amazing is that the OTNAs have scored fewer points than any team in the pathetic excuse for a professional football division (“PEFPFD”) that is the NFC East.  Yes the Giants have scored more points (well one more point) than the OTNA’s.  On the other hand, the Texans have to be the biggest in-season resurrection surprise so far.  From 0-3 to 6-3 is no easy feat even against mediocre competition.  Red thinks the Texans resurgent defense keeps this one close enough for the Texans to eke out a win on the road.  Braves take the wrong warpath and end up in Delaware.  Houston 24 Landover, MD 19.

Your Time Zone Hex Game of the Week – on Hiatus – Your Kick Ass Game of the Week – Falcons over Cowboys.  This is the game most likely to turn into the dreaded field goal fest of yore.  Atlanta 18 Arlington 9.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – Cardinals over Raiders.  Well folks, it doesn’t get any smellier than this one.  In fact, the fumes from this one are already driving Red to distraction and away from the old keyboard.  Red thinks you will be entirely justified in unloading two shells from your Browning Superposed 20 gauge into the old 54 incher before halftime of this beastly BM battle.  Even the emaciated and staggering ghost of Dead Al Davis can no longer complain at this point.  The Gruden Raiders are a joke.  Just make sure the wife and kids are off at the movies.  Arizona 10 Oakland 0.

Quote for the Day

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“There has to be a complete overhaul of the organization.”

Troy Aikman on the Dallas Cowboys (and a not so discreet smack down of Jerry Jones) a team that has won exactly two playoff games in the last 20 years, but equally applicable to the current state of the party formerly known as the GOP.

As Red has mentioned, he is perfectly okay with the Cowboys winning one playoff game every decade and they already have their win for the Teens when they eked out a come from behind win over the Lions in 2014.

How Trumph – the Insult Comic President™ – Makes Appointment Decisions

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Red is now privy to a top-secret White House memorandum which outlines the fascinating process by which the Trumph administration vets and selects candidates to fill the most sensitive and important positions in the executive branch.  As a marker of his efficiency, Trumph has streamlined the process which under previous presidents was unduly onerous and time consuming.  It is now a straightforward four step inquiry.

  1. Does this person have a well-established track record as a conservative partisan political hack (bonus points for appearances on Fox News praising me – extra bonus points for being a Fox News employee)?
  2. Has this person engaged in unethical, fraudulent or questionable business practices involving the fleecing of average Americans?
  3. When push comes to shove, will this person set aside any moral convictions they might have, any allegiance to the rule of law or the U.S. Constitution, any consideration of past precedent or institutional norms and cover my fat ass at all costs without consideration of damage to their personal or political reputations?
  4. If yes, yes and yes – hire them!

 

Texas Elects a Lot of Democratic Judges

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One important election result that likely passed under the nose of most observers was the drastic transformation of the Texas Courts of Appeals on Tuesday.   There are fourteen Courts of Appeals in Texas varying in size from 3 to 9 judges (technically called justices) with a total of 80 appellate justices statewide.  Before Tuesday night these courts were dominated by Republicans with only a handful of Democratic judges on the El Paso and Corpus Christi courts.  The Democrats swept through the Dallas (5th) , Austin (3rd) , San Antonio (4th) and both Houston (1st and 14th) courts on Tuesday.   Those five courts and the El Paso and Corpus Christi courts will now have Democratic majorities.  The only court of appeals based in a major urban county that remains in Republican control is the Fort Worth (2d) court.  Even that may change in another couple of years.  The remaining courts under Republican control (Amarillo, Beaumont, Eastland, Texarkana, Tyler and Waco) cover the more rural areas of the state and typically do not get as many high profile cases.  This is a major shift as the now Democratic controlled courts of appeals are the end of the line for a large number of the most hotly contested cases in Texas.  Very few cases reach the still Republican dominated Texas Supreme Court.

Six More Years of Lyin’ Ted

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Red can hardly wait to see all the great things that Rafael “Lyin’ Ted” Cruz (TP- Tex.) is going to do for our fair state over the next six years.  When Red considers all of LT’s fantastic legislative achievements he is reminded of – well, Red’s not really sure what he is reminded of – maybe a freshly erased chalkboard, a losing lottery ticket, a fallow field, an empty pistol, erectile disfunction, the Rice Owls football team . . .

Anyhow, Beto O’Rourke gave it a good shot and maybe Texas just isn’t ready for someone who actually wants to represent Texas interests in Congress.  Texans apparently want someone who is there for the greater glorification of their own ego and naked ambition.  Someone who is willing to sell their soul to the devil on the cheap.  Someone who kowtows to the man who insulted their wife and father.  Someone proven to be a spineless weasel when his political life was on the line. Someone who only spoke the truth once when he called Trump a “pathological liar” and “utterly amoral.”  Someone who is so disliked in the Senate that he cannot form a coalition to get anything passed.  Well friends, that is exactly what you got in Lyin’ Ted.  At least it seems that the servile Canadian immigrant will not challenge the Alpha Dog Trump in 2020.  He cannot bite the hand that feeds.  So LT will set his sights on 2024 but by then will anyone be paying attention?

The Sad Current State of Political Discourse

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Red has learned a lot from listening to the near overwhelming spate of political ads coming from both sides of the political spectrum.  But what has really been surprised to learn is all the things that he is for because he is not voting for more than about 3 Republicans who are all probably RINOs anyway.

Red now knows that he supports:

Wide open borders, the destruction of freedom, the end of “security” (whatever that means to Lyin’ Ted), bringing hordes criminals (especially MS-13) into the U.S., ending job creation, destroying health care, mobs, abortion on demand, rounding up all the guns and roving bands of non-Anglo youths running amok in the streets.

Red is likewise against:

Mom, apple pie, the flag, our troops, secure borders, job creation, religion in any form, fiscal responsibility and general prosperity.

Thanks to Red’s friends in the truth telling GOP for setting him straight.

Red’s NFL Picks 2018 – Week 10

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The Red train may have finally left the station in Week 9.  Uncle Red was 5-1 for the week bringing the season tally to an almost respectable 21-23 – “almost” being the operative word there.  But for foolishly believing that the Raiders might win another game, Red would have been 6-0.

Your Game of the Week Game of the Week – Bengals over Saints.  Red called the Saints big win over the Rams last week.  There is absolutely no reason to believe that the Bengals can beat the Saints.  Red is playing the coming off the bye week team vs. the team with incredibly exciting emotional victory card this week.  Bengals have the offense firepower to hang with the Saints (on a good day).  The real question is can the Bengals hold the Saints to less than 30 points.  Red is stretching here – but you gotta call a few upsets to have any fun at this game.  Cincinnati 29 New Orleans 28.

Your Texas Game of the Week – Eagles over Cowboys.  When the Cowboys score 20 or more points they win.  Unfortunately for the Cowboy faithful, that just doesn’t happen very much and not against decent teams (the Jaguars were thought to be decent at the time but shit happens).   If the Eagles cannot score at least 28 points they do not deserve to win, but scoring 20 probably wins this one anyway.  The arrival of Amari Cooper cannot possibly hurt and the Dakster must be relieved to have an actual wide receiver on the team.  But even the talented Cooper cannot invigorate the anemic an inept passing scheme of soon to be Ex-Head Coach Jason Garrett (you heard it first here – and everywhere else anyone comments about the NFL).   A loss this week, may force JJ to act now before the season slips further away.  Adios Jason.  Philadelphia 42 Arlington 17.

Your National TV Game of the Week –   Stealers over Panthers.  Wow! A Thursday night game that doesn’t suck – will wonders never cease.   This is a matchup between two teams with legitimate playoff aspirations who are both 4-1 over the last five games.  How did that happen? The scheduling geniuses at NFL headquarters can’t always get it right. So after spending a late night on Tuesday wondering if the wave is going to be red, blue or purple – prepare for another late night of actual entertaining professional football.  Stealers have to shut down Panthers’ powerhouse running game to win this one and exploit a mediocre pass defense to win this one.  They do just enough of that on Thursday to eke out win.  Pittsburgh 27 Carolina 25.

Your Disappointing Game of the Week – Rams over Seahawks.  Red admits that it’s a bit hard to call this one disappointing – unless you are a Seahawks’ fan and then your disappointment cup runneth over.  Last season the Rams were up and coming and in the second game of the division rivals the Seahawks still had a chance at the playoffs but were effectively eliminated with a 42-7 ass-whomping that still hurts.  This season the first matchup was a close Rams victory signaling that the Rams have arrived to take their place among the league’s elite  – while the Seahawks are stuck in neutral and looking for a Wildcard shot at best to eke into the playoffs.  So what once looked like a decent rivalry has quickly changed into Rams dominance in a division that the Seahawks more or less owned for the best part of the Teens.  The Rams do need to shake off the tough loss in New Orleans on Sunday and get back to business of winning a first round bye.  Los Angeles 37 Seattle 17.

This Week’s Shit Bowl – 49ers over Giants.  This game pulls double duty as an especially stinky Shit Bowl and this week’s Time Zone Hex Game of the Week.  Giants travel three time zones west to drop a giant turd on the West Coast.  Other than the now seemingly inexplicable win over the Texans, the Giants have found a way to lose blow outs and close games with aplomb and seem likely headed for 1-15 record unless they can beat the Cowboys in the season finale.  Red predicts that if the Cowboys need that game to make the playoffs (which seems unlikely at best right now), the Giants will find a way to win.  Meanwhile, the Niners ship seems to have at least stopped taking on water and may have found a credible replacement QB in Nick Mullins after C.J. Beathard got beat hard.  Yes, there are the two unseemly losses to the Cardinals, but have lost to the Chiefs, Chargers, Packers and Rams is not completely embarrassing.  The Niners may be the turnaround team of the second half (like the Chargers last season).  So you may not need to secure all of the various weapons in the house before sitting down to this excruciating excrement exhibition because the Niners may be worth watching for the next 8 weeks.  Santa Clara 35 New Jersey 10.

Your Bonus – Upset Game of the Week – Titans over Patriots.  A guy can dream can’t he?  Actually, every season one team with absolutely no business winning a game somehow manages to more or less stomp their betters into the ground.  Now this almost never happens to the Pats, but look at it this way – they are overdue.  The Titans completely pathetic offensive attack catches the Pats by surprise this week. Red can already feel the wave of shame and regret that comes with this pick.   Tennessee 34 New England 21.