Author Archives: Red from Texas

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About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Today in Texas History – September 22

From the Annals of Maritime Engineering –  In 1922, President Warren G. Harding authorized the creation of a harbor in Corpus Christi Bay.  The need for a deep-water port for Corpus Christi was recognized after the Hurricane of September 14, 1919. Local business leaders realized that a deep-water port was a necessary to grow the local economy and sought federal approval. On September 14, 1926, seven years to the day after the devastating hurricane the new port was opened after completion of dredged channel through Corpus Christi Bay.  Today the Port of Corpus Christi is the fourth largest port in the U.S. in terms of total tonnage.

Vintage postcard.  17 U.S.C.A. 170

Today in Texas History – September 21

From the Annals of Higher Education – In 1925, University Junior College (now San Antonio College) opened in San Antonio  with an enrollment of 200 students. SAC is the oldest public junior college in Texas still in operation.  The first classes met in the Main High School building.  The school was initially under the administration of the University of Texas, but the state attorney general ruled in December 1925 that operation of a junior college by the University of Texas violated the state constitution.  The college was renamed San Antonio Junior College and control was given over to the San Antonio board of education for the second year of operation.  The school was given its current name in 1948, and relocated to a thirty-seven-acre campus on San Pedro Avenue in the Tobin Hill district. SAC is now operated by the  Alamo Community College District.  The college has an average semester enrollment of 22,028 credit students and an average annual enrollment of 16,000 other-than-credit students. San Antonio College is the largest single-campus community college in Texas.

Image of the Gnome Ranger – official mascot of SAC.

Ann’s Last Ride – A story from Red

David picked me up at 6 a.m, Saturday morning. I packed extra shoes, socks and blue jeans, a compass, water, a flask of Oban, binoculars, a space blanket and my Nikon.  David brought sausage kolaches and donuts and ashes in a box marked “Mimi” on the back seat.  We were in the van he bought from his dad Fred – his mother Ann’s ex-husband. I wasn’t sure how Ann would feel about taking her last ride in a van once driven by Fred Calhoun, but that was David’s call.   I noted there was room for at least four sets of clubs in back. Fred was a dedicated golfer in his California retirement.

We took 225, the scenic route through the refineries of Pasadena and on across the Fred Hartman bridge through Baytown to I 10 East.   David seemed to recall that Fred Hartman was in on one of his many cases with Abraham involving defense of some director and officer malfeasance.  I didn’t know who the guy was and really didn’t care at 6:30 in the morning. I stayed off the kolaches until we could stop for some OJ at a McDonald’s on I-10. We headed straight east with the winter sun rising in the southeast, an orange glow over the upper reaches of Galveston Bay.

Day broke somewhere past Wallisville with David and I talking about families and work, nothing too important.  I was glad he had included me on the mission.  I think he was glad for me to be along.  A large part of his filial duties had fallen on me with his relocation to D.C.  Don’t get me wrong, I was glad to do anything for Ann. She had basically been my surrogate mother for the past 10 years and I had been the one to visit her in Beaumont the day before she died.  And she had died from the exact same cause that killed my own mother.

David’s cousin John was pulling up ferns from his front yard when we pulled up about 7:45. I needed a pit stop so we quietly passed through his crowded house.  His girls Irma and Kathy had a friend sleeping over in bags on the living room floor.  They were starting to rouse as we came through the house.  His wife, Susan was also up in a few minutes and wished us well on our way out.

We decided to take John’s pickup since the roads past Village Mills were likely to be rough and wet. It was a good decision.  I road up front with John and David sat on the crew seat.  The truck had the Cromwell Cleaners name and information on the doors.  There was a long history of cleaning in the David’s family. I thought that at least Ann’s last ride would not be in Fred’s old van.  I always thought Ann never exactly got over her divorce with Fred.

John is the son of the man that David probably admired most in the world, his late Uncle Huey. David always describes Huey as the most fun and festive person he ever met.  I think Huey must have been a natural charmer.  He married Eleanor who I only recently met and she is still a fine looking woman.  You can tell she was quite beautiful in her day.  David says his friends were simply in awe of her beauty and were always ready to go if Eleanor was in on the deal.

Forrest Woodvine was our point of reference for the point of dispersal, for lack of a better term. I guess you usually hear it referred to as the scattering of ashes.  I don’t know if there is a better term. He had indicated the general location of the old family fishing camp on Village Creek where Ann had requested her ashes be scattered.  It’s now in the Big Thicket National Preserve. I remarked that since we were violating the law by disposing of human remains in a public waterway we might as well double down and enhance the offense by doing it in a National Preserve.

Before we had gone 3 blocks, John remembered to call Forrest. David had remarked on Forrest’s appearance. Kind of East Texas’ answer to ZZ Top – long hair and white beard. We met Forrest at a convenience store a few blocks from John’s house. He had on a broken brimmed straw hat and wire rim glasses. He looked every part the aged hippie that David swore he used to rail against.  Forrest further pinpointed the site of the fishing camp and provided some additional maps.  He said he would have gone with us but he had some business to take care of.  I took a picture of John, David and Forrest holding the box marked “Mimi.”

“You always had to bring Forrest along to the fishing camp because he could get your car unstuck.” David remarked as we headed north on US 69. John kept up a continual running commentary on the latest happenings in Beaumont.  Of special note was the funeral of the wife of one of their junior high teachers.  The highlight had been where her husband got up and sang her a song while resting his hands on the coffin.  Apparently there wasn’t much to say after that.

We passed through an endless stream of new subdivisions with alluring names. Like Pine Lake Forest Woods and the Willow Creek Farm Estates. All of them dumping onto a small two- lane US highway under major construction to widen it to what appeared would be two and a half lanes.

As we passed through Lumberton and Kountze, I was pretty sure that I had never been up that highway before.  Right before Village Mills we crossed over Village Creek.  It had rained more or less continuously for the past couple of weeks and the creek was about a quarter mile wide at the bridge which didn’t bode well for our mission. We turned off on the appropriately named Oil Field Road and John decided which road heading south to take.  It was more dirt than gravel, but the oil company had seen fit to fill in the bottom of the biggest holes with gravel so we traveled along fairly easily.  I thought we were matching a particular road on the map, but then the expected right turn never came. We continued on anyway until the track became too narrow and rutted to continue.

We packed up Mimi in my North Face day pack and I put everything else in my wife’s Lowe pack and we headed down what remained of the fishing camp road – David carrying Mimi. The track followed the west bank of Hickory Creek.  It was remarkably easy going for about 45 minutes.  We had to dodge the occasional wallow and cut through the woods at various points but overall it was relatively dry and smooth.  David thought it looked somewhat familiar, but you could have been down this road 5 years ago and not be able to now distinguish it from a dozen others in the area.

We finally hit a large slough that expanded from the creek to parts unknown.  We first tried jumping the fence to the west and wandered around on the adjacent property for about 30 minutes looking for a way around. We found several blinds and feeders and the remains of a bridge across the low part but that was all.  We tried following a path along the creek which looked promising but hit a 40 yard expanse of dark water within a few hundred yards.  Our only option was to back track a half mile and try one of the paths to our west that we had passed.  We took the first promising one and followed it for half a mile over a couple of small drainages and finally hit a good road at a red metal gate marked Carl Sikes Lease 2004-2005.

My compass was coming in handy now that we were off the main track.  This road headed due south in the right direction. We finally came to another gate and a very nice open pasture with signs of cattle in the not too distant past.  Eastern bluebirds were flocking around.  We crossed the open area to another road that headed east/west.  We chose east and soon hit another gate sporting a Stop sign.  Not taking this as an omen, we continued on until we hit a sendero heading due south to another deer blind.  After about 15 minutes we finally hit what appeared to be the outer flood zone of Village Creek. The water was running east in the right direction, but we didn’t have a clue if we were near the old family fishing camp.

At this point I was a little uncertain exactly how we would find our way back.  If we headed north we would eventually hit something.  And we were on a mission.

We decided to head back east.  We finally wandered past the boundary marker for the Big Thicket preserve and we knew that we were near the old fishing camp.  We meandered around sloughs and thickets, but eventually found ourselves back at the gate with the Stop sign.  After 30 pointless minutes of cutting through the woods we decided it was best to get back on a road.

We headed east on what passed for a road then turned south again and crossed back into the preserve.  We could now see that we were on the other side of the impassible slough that had side tracked us about an hour ago.  We wandered on through felled trees, upheaved concrete slabs and abandoned oil pipeline equipment.

We finally came to the confluence of Hickory and Village Creeks or at least what appeared to be that confluence.  David found a nice spot. It was probably on Hickory Creek, but we all agreed that we had given it our best.

As David and John scattered Ann’s ashes the sun came out on cue and I took pictures. I scattered some of her ashes, said a silent goodbye and washed my hands in the milk chocolate water.  We all said something about Ann and had a sip of the Oban. I poured the rest into the creek.  I was thinking that Ann was somewhere complaining that we had screwed up our final job for her and scattered her ashes in the wrong place.  In a way, that probably made her happy.

On the way back, David and Kevin discussed local politics. I was a little annoyed and then decided that Ann would probably have liked the talk.  She would have relished the coming unseating of the county commissioners for their prior foolish acts and appreciated that her boys were keeping up with local affairs.

Our feet were wet, our pants muddy and our spirits a little low as we headed back to John’s truck. It took the better part of an hour and we were happy to see the truck.  The buffet lunch at Mama Jack’s in Kountze helped revive us a bit even though that third slice of meatloaf was probably a mistake.

Back in Beaumont, David and I said goodbye to John and Susan. We stopped for a brief visit with Eleanor, me in my pruny bare feet.  I brought the extra shoes and socks but failed to put them in John’s truck.

We took US 90 back to Houston through Liberty and some other miserable towns. We didn’t talk much.

Ann had been an author of some repute, a dedicated educator and my good friend.  Mostly, she was a Texas character who knew almost everyone worth knowing. I only knew that I would always miss Ann and would always remember that she thought I had been a good friend – and that was important to me.

Before she passed she told me “You know I would do anything for you and Lisa and that little boy of yours. I am only sorry that I am not going to be here to help you with him.”  That was true Ann, she just knew we would need her help with our son.  She was right as usual.  Goodbye Ann, we will do the best we can without you.

Red Translates – Trump’s UN Speech

Welcome to New York – my hometown.  A place where we used to pack a bunch of stinky foreigners like you into ghettos.  Those were the days.

Since my election, everything in the U.S. is just going great guns.  All those statistics that I used to mock like the unemployment rate and the stock market boom – well, those are all true and accurate since I became President and we have the lowest unemployment rate ever.   And speaking of guns – we are busting the budget to pump up our military.  So if any of you little pipsqueaks are thinking about starting some trouble – you got another think coming Mister.

We live in a great time what with science and all that stuff that I don’t believe in when it contradicts what I want to think about the world.  I mean, who are you going to trust a bunch of losers who have dedicated their lives to the advancement of science or a slick con man like me who has dedicated his life to making money by skinning everyone I deal with.  Really!  Science can do a lot – if I agree with it.  But I’m the man to see.

Okay let’s move on to the important stuff. America First.  You got that losers.  We don’t impose our way of life on anyone We just storm into your country when you piss us off break a lot of stuff and kill  a bunch of people. Ask any Iraqi.  Our country is a shining example of freedom.  Ignore the fact that we have the highest poverty rate, highest crime rate, highest murder rate, highest infant mortality rate, lowest number of insured people, highest number of lawsuits, worst public educational system and stupidest President of developed country in the world.  Those are mere details.  I mean look at our Constitution (I might actually read it someday, but don’t hold your breath).  It’s been around 230 years.  That’s like longer than some of the golf courses I own.

We did some great work in the World War II.  Yeah, it’s kind of been downhill since then, but we didn’t fight that war to take over new lands – we had already done that to Mexico and Spain.

Let’s get to the meat of it.  Those “rogue regimes.”  Talk about a bunch of losers.  I mean most of you guys are losers compared to me – but Rocket Man and his pals – total losers.  Just a warning –  I eat losers for lunch and then have a real lunch after that.  I will bomb those bastards back into the stone age if needed and then have some more lunch

Okay I need to insult some other countries.

Iran – you guys are fags – terrorist supporting fags.  You’re on the list.

Venezuela – you guys wish you were fags.  You’re on the list too.

Hillary – not a country but still crooked.

Don’t get me wrong, we want peace and if you aren’t willing to go along with that, I will bomb the everliving shit out of your country before lunch.  Don’t think I won’t do it.

Now go home and tell your kids, that you just got to hear a speech by the greatest American president of all time.  That would be me, losers.

Today in Texas History – September 19

From the Annals of the Pioneer Women – In 1821, Jane Long said goodbye to her husband James Long at Fort Las Casas on the Bolivar Peninsula.  James was travelling to La Bahía as part of his mission to overthrow of the Mexican government.  He never reached La Bahia and was captured at San Antonio de Bexar and taken to Mexico City.  He never returned to Texas and died in prison in Mexico.  Jane sought a pension from Governor José Félix Trespalacios, a friend of her husband.  Denied any compensation, Long opened a boarding house in Brazoria which she operated for several years before moving to her land grant in the Austin colony. In Richmond, she opened another boarding house and built a plantation both of which were successful.  The Civil War, however, reversed her fortunes and after the war she was dependent on her children and grandchildren.  Often referred to as the “Mother of Texas”, Long claimed to be the first English-speaking woman to bear a child in Texas.  The title stuck even though her claim was inaccurate.  Numerous Texas landmarks bear her name today.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 3

Red was 5-1 on straight up picks in Week 2.  That puts Red at a respectable 8-4 for the season.  Red also made some decent calls on the betting line.

Eagles/Chiefs over – paid $

Seahawks/Niners under – paid $

Broncos +3 – paid $

Falcons/Packers over – paid $

Broncos/Cowboys under – bust

Chargers/Dolphins over – bust

Ka-ching!

Answer to last week’s trivia question:  Warren Moon was inducted into the Canadian Football Hall of Fame in 2001 and the NFL Hall of Fame in 2006.  At the time of his retirement, Moon held combined CFl/NFL records for most pass attempts, pass completions, passing yards, and touchdowns, all of which have since been broken.

This week’s trivia question:

Which player had the longest scoring run from scrimmage in NFL history?

Your Longest Yard Pick of the Week – Raiders over OTNAs.  Red hasn’t finalized his season ending picks yet – which is kind of cheating – okay really cheating, but the Raiders in their current form and playing in a dilapidated POS of a stadium  are looking more and more like a team that could possibly, if they stay healthy, on a good weather day and with all the breaks going in their favor, actually beat the hated evil empire of the defending NFL Champion Patriots.  How’s that for a Conradesque sentence?  The Raiders offense (con El Beast) is trending towards unstoppable at times.  Meanwhile the OTNAs are living down to doormat of the NFC East status.  Take the Raiders giving up somewhere between 7 and 34.   Oakland 45 Landover, MD 10

Your Pennsylvania Pick of the Week – Eagles over Giants.  The Eagles loss to the peaking to soon Chiefs may be a good thing in the long run.  They lost no ground on the Cowboys and actually were in this game until Carson Wentz gave away 7 points.  You can’t give the Chiefs anything right now.  Meanwhile the Giants are muddled mess searching for an offense and wondering what happened to their vaunted D.  Take the Eagles giving up 3.5.  Take it to the bank.  Philadelphia 21 New Jersey 13

Your Texas Pick of the Week – Patriots over Texans.  Does Red really have to explain this pick?  Pats lead all-time series 8-1 (including playoff buttwhippings in 2012 and 2016 seasons).  Texans have never been close in a game played at Foxboro.  The closest they have come to winning a meaningful game against the Pats was in 2003 when they took them to OT in a sloppy game on a Sunday night in November.  The only victory in the series was the season-ender in 2009 when they eked out a win over a Pats team that had nothing to play for and Texans were fighting for their first winning season ever.  Tom Brady v. DeShaun Watson, Bellicheat v. Bill O’ the Clown.  Dynasty v. Definition of Mediocrity.  Maybe the Texans will surprise by keeping it close – a moral victory this early in the season.  Red likes the under at 43.5.  Texans are getting 13.5 which might look nice, but don’t be a sucker. New England  24 Houston 10.

Your Running Out of Bounds Pick of the Week – Browns over Colts.  The first Shit Bowl of the year.  And a particularly huge stinking turd of a game this will be – except for the fact that Browns fans will get to celebrate the first of a few hard fought wins this week.  If your are unfortunate enough to live in an area that will be broadcasting this game, please fasten your seat belts and put your tray tables in an upright position before settling in to watch this Boring Bowel Battle.  Cleveland (+2.5) is a favorite on the road for the first time in 3 years.  Which tells you two things: (1) if that somehow interests you and you are even thinking you might be somehow inclined to bet on this game, you my friend have a serious problem; and (2) the Colts have hit bottom and are still digging.  Cleveland 17 Indianapolis 9.

Your Heisman Trophy Pick of the Week –  Titans over Seahawks.   Mr. M. Mariota seemed to find the formula last week against a pretty good Jaguars defense.  Seahawks defense is probably better – but not that much better and Seahawks offense looks particularly inept right now – which is something of an insult to the inept.  Titans have a nice rushing duo with Henry and Murray and an efficient passing game.  They will win a lot of games the old-fashioned way –  with ball control and defense.    The under looks pretty tempting at 43, but Red says so with some trepidation as he can resist anything but temptation.   Tennessee 20 Seattle 10.

Your Rookie of the Year Pick of the Week –  Jaguars over Ravens.  The Jaguars travel to their home away from home at Wembley in London (future home of the London Lords in 2025 Red predicts) for the Sunday breakfast taco game at La Casa Rojo this week.   The Jags are actually 2-2 in England since the NFL began forcing them to play one home game a year “across the pond.”  And they have won the last two such “matches.”  They have a reasonably favorable draw in a beat-up Ravens team that can’t protect Flacco Joe and that will have to rely on Javorious Allen and some other guys for offensive punch. Meanwhile, potential ROY Leonard Fournette has one of his better games.  Red likes the Jags getting 4.5 right now.  Jacksonville 24 Baltimore 17.

 

Today in Texas History – September 15

From the Annals of the Abolitionists –  In 1829, Mexican President Vicente R. Guerrero issued the Guerrero Decree which abolished slavery throughout the Republic of Mexico except the Isthmus of Tehuantepec.  This was a major spark for the Texas Revolution as many Anglo settlers had brought slaves with them and were opposed to abolition.  The role of the preservation of slavery as a cause of the revolution has been understated in Texas history for as long as Red can remember. It was far from the only cause, but there were approximately 5000 enslaved persons out of a total of about 38,000 people (not including Native Americans) living in Texas at the time of the revolution.  After winning independence, the Constitution of the Republic of Texas of 1836 provided:

All persons of color who were slaves for life previous to their emigration to Texas, and who are now held in bondage, shall remain in the like state of servitude…  Congress shall pass no laws to prohibit emigrants from bringing their slaves into the republic with them, and holding them by the same tenure by which such slaves were held in the United States; nor shall congress have the power to emancipate slaves; nor shall any slave holder be allowed to emancipate his or her slave without the consent of congress, unless he or she shall send his or her slave or slaves without the limits of the republic.

Your Daily Dose of either Fascination or Disgust

And no Red, isn’t talking about the Trump Administration.  He is looking at photos of a mysterious sea creature that washed up on the Texas coast near Texas City  in the wake of Hurricane Harvey. Preeti Desai of the National Audubon Society spotted the creature while assessing damage from the storm with other conservationists.  She posted pictures on Twitter asking biologists to clear up the mystery.

The most likely identification appears to be that the animal was a fangtooth snake-eel, also known as the tusky eel, which is native to the Gulf of Mexico. The Daily Mail has the full story.

Today in Texas History – September 14

From the Annals of the Authors –  In 1964, J. Frank Dobie received the Medal of Freedom from President Lyndon B. Johnson.  Dobie is most famous for his retelling of Texas folklore and vignettes of Texas history.  Born in Live Oak County on a ranch, Dobie went to school in Alice and later studied at Southwestern University in Georgetown and Columbia in New York.  He worked as a reporter, school teacher, professor and ranch manager.  While at the University of Texas, he joined the Texas Folklore Society which became a lifelong calling.  In 1929, JFD published his first book A Vaquero of the Brush Country – based on his work on his uncle’s ranch in South Texas.   The book established him as a spokesman for Texas folklore and culture of the no-longer open range.  His other books focused on similar Texas and Native American themes and included On the Open Range (1931), Tales of the Mustang (1936), The Flavor of Texas (1936), Apache Gold and Yaqui Silver (1939), and Tongues of the Monte (1947).  He is remembered mostly today for the Dobie Paisano Ranch on Barton Creek near Austin (owned by UT) which provides authors with a fellowship and a place to write.  Dobie died 4 days after receiving the award. Sadly, his books are read by almost no one anymore.