The Houston Chronicle has posted the following irresistible teaser: Feces Found in Texas Spa Castle, Customers Say. Not taking a mud bath there anytime soon.
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Red is Back
Just in case you were wondering, Red has been visiting our former imperial masters to the South now know as Los Estados Unidos Mexicanos or Mexico. He was down south for a week with Mrs. Red enjoying some mescal, sopa de tortilla and chiles in nogado. And although the trip was bigly fun, when Red gets back to Texas the first thing he wants is an ice-cold glass of good ol’ American water. After drinking cool to luke warm agua mineral (con gas) for a week, there’s nothing like the refreshing taste of your local water – unless you live in Odessa. In that case, go get an Ozarka or a cold Lone Star if you are so inclined (and you better be half inclined to guzzle down some Lone Star).
All the Mexico ignoramuses were amazed that Red came back with all body parts intact and that they didn’t receive any ransom demands last week. The average American’s view of Mexico is remarkably uninformed. Years ago when talking with one of Red’s friends about driving down to Zacatecas, Red’s buddy seemed amazed that you could actually drive in Mexico. “Do they have cars?”, he asked. “Only about 35,000,000 of ’em”, Red replied. And at one point on this trip, Red was convinced that every last one of them was out on the streets of Mexico City, DF.
Red will be blogging about the trip over the next few days, so stay tuned. Until then, Adios Amigos.
Quote for the Day
“When I go back to Texas, nobody asks about Russia. You know, I held town halls all over the state of Texas. You know how many questions I got on Russia? Zero.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas). Red wonders exactly what town hall meetings Cruz is talking about. Looking at his official website, there is a bizarre out-of-focus picture of the Loop 360 bridge over Lake Austin, but nary a mention of any town hall meetings since Trump took office and shows that none are scheduled. Red acknowledges Cruz held some kind of under the radar meeting to discuss Veterans’ issues in recent weeks, but Cruz has been notably unwilling to face the citizens he supposedly represents in recent months. So hold a real town hall Ted, and Red will be there to ask you plenty of questions about Russians and why you now support the “utterly amoral”, “pathological liar”, serial philanderer”, and “sniveling coward” of a President who slandered your wife and father.
Trump’s Presidency is a Biblical Miracle
According to the aptly named Luther Strange (which would make a great name for the evil nemesis of a lesser Super-Hero):
President Trump is the greatest thing that’s happened to this country. I consider it a biblical miracle that he’s there.”
A quote which puts Strange first in line for Red’s “Bootlick of the Year” award. Strange by the way is the sycophantic senatorial replacement for AG Jefferson Beauregard ceSession.
The Most Awesome Song Ever Heralds the Beginning of the Trump Personality Cult – Make America Great Again
Red was privileged to see the beginning of the Trump Personality Cult. It’s actually been longer coming than Red expected, but Trump is new to politics and you can’t expect him to have really starting heavy lifting on his political deification – what with all the winning and all. It’s one thing to Tweet to your followers and have giant pictures of yourself on the wall (thank you House of Saud). But to really get your followers whipped up into a Trumpian frenzy what do you need? Some protestors to beat up? Satisfying, but no. Some fake news to trash? Too easy, so no. Some main stream media types to beat up? Much better, but still no. Some glamorous but necessarily incompetent family members to fawn over? Well that’s helpful, but not quite enough, so no.
What you need is a SONG! And here it is – Make America Great Again. Soon every patriotic American will be waking up to this catchy tune on their iPhone. It will be the cell phone ring tone of choice. School children will be required to sing it after the Pledge of Allegiance. And Red will be leading the charge to make it our new National Anthem. Yes, Make America Great Again will live forever in the hearts and minds of our great white nation. Because that’s what the Trumpistas mean when they’re talking about greatness.
Most Mispronounced Texas City Names
The San Antonio Express News has compiled a list of the most mispronounced Texas cities. Test your knowledge here.
Red Goes to the Movies (on his couch)
Red was watching The Getaway – Sam Peckinpah’s 1972 crime caper set in Texas and starring ultra-cool Steve McQueen in one of his most violent roles. Well, it is a Peckinpah film after all. Family legend has it that Red’s father and stepmother are in the movie in one of the scenes shot in San Marcos. Red has never been able to spot them, but he always tries.
What strikes Red about the movie is just how terrible an actress Ali MacGraw is. She was new to the trade at the time, but still . . . And, unfortunately, she never got any better.
Ali at least had the sense to realize how bad she was in this movie.
“After we had completed The Getaway and I looked at what I had done in it, I hated my own performance. I liked the picture, but I despised my own work.”
Still the movie is worth watching for scenes of Texas (Huntsville, San Marcos, San Antonio and El Paso) in the early 70’s. Those were the days.
Trump’s Mika Brzezinski Rant (cont.)
Before the iPhone was yanked from his hands, Pres. Trump was in the middle of several more Tweets about Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Red has the exclusive on the other righteous invective Trump was getting ready to hurl:
And what about crazy Mika’s hair? Can you say “bottle blond”? No one gets to bleach their hair like that except Ivanka – who looks marvelous by the way. Kellyanne – not so much. #onlyherhairdresserknows
What kind of name is Brzezenski – it reeks of “Commie” to me. Have you paid your respects to Lenin – Comrade Mika? #leftwingcommiestooges
I almost feel sorry for Joe being engaged to that bee-yatch. But I hear he likes the “Pussy Whip” on his pie. Sad! #grabitbeforeitwhipsyou
Quote for the Day
“I can’t imagine a more transparent and open process than put it on the internet, invite people’s comments and discussion, and then have an open amendment process following debate, and then vote.”
Sen. John Cornyn (TP-Texas).
Senator – How about the process where you don’t negotiate a bill in secret closed-door meetings excluding opposition members and even most members of your party, and where you actually hold committee hearings, get input from experts and the public on both sides, have an open debate and not keep it under wraps until days before a supposed vote? How about that process – would that be more transparent and open?
Today in Texas History – June 28
From the Annals of Democracy – In 1919, the Texas Senate ratified the 19th Amendment which granted women the right to vote. The amendment had been sent to the states for ratification earlier in June. On June 23, the Texas House had ratified the amendment on June 23. Texas women had already achieved the right to vote in primaries in 1918 which was tantamount to voting in the general election in most parts of the state. Texas was the first Southern state to ratify the amendment and the ninth overall. Woman suffrage had been considered in Texas as early as the Constitutional Convention of 1868. After years of near dormancy, the Texas Equal Suffrage Association, a state chapter of the National American Woman Suffrage Association, led the fight for suffrage beginning in 1913.
Amazingly, Red knows several Neanderthals who still think women shouldn’t be voting. You can probably guess who they voted for in 2016.
Paradise in Hell 