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Red’s NFL Picks – Week 17

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NFL Picks 2016 – week 17

In Week 16, Red was 3-3 – which is a minor triumph this season. Red is 36-40-2 for the season.  Aaargh!

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Cardinals crumple Rams. The Cards have been dealt and both of these teams folded.  The Rams actually exceeded expectations and a 5-11 season would not be viewed as an enormous disappointment.  What is disappointing is having the 32nd ranked offense in the 32 team NFL.  Need more disappointment – How about Jared Goff’s 61.7 QB rating? – which makes Case Keenum’s 76.4 look positively marvelous.  Or Todd Gurley’s 3.2 yard per carry average?  Bright spots?  The fantasy freaks who went long on Kenny Britt have to be happy with his 1000 yards and 5 TDs. And the Rams defense doesn’t suck.  But that’s it.   Meanwhile in the desert, the Cards are a major disappointment (we’re using that word a lot here).  No one expected the Cardinals to have a losing record – nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition either.  Giving up 6 is a lot to ask, but the Cards will cover.  Red also likes the over at 40.5 – but just barely.  Arizona 25 Los Angeles 16.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Chargers challenge Chiefs. Red is putting this category to rest after this week.  And what better way to do that than with the team that has consistently underperformed all season.  The Chargers are a playoff team that can’t finish off a game.  The Chargers have lost 5 games in which they seemed to be cruising to victory until the bottom fell out.  That started with the first game of the season when the Chief rallied (a word Red really hates) from 17 points down in the 4th quarter to win 33-27.  That set the tone for the entire Chargers season as they continued to tank it.  Revenge is sweet this week and the Chargers send the Chiefs off to a 5th seed for Wildcard Weekend.  Red just loves that he is picking a team in the midst of a 4 game losing streak.  Arizona 17 Seattle 16.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Giants gouge OTNAs. To rehash from earlier this season – this rivalry rocks.  NFL Network ranks it as the No. 1 rivalry of all time, SI has it at No. 4.  The Giants lead the series 86-81-2 making it one of the most competitive rivalries in league history. The first game, however, was not – as the Giant crushed the Eagles 56-0 at the Polo Grounds in 1933.  Over the years, game have been played at the Polo Grounds, Baker Bowl, Philadelphia Municipal Stadium, Connie Mack Stadium, Yankee Stadium, Franklin Field, Veterans Stadium, Yale Bowl, Giants Stadium, and Lincoln Financial Field.  What is surprising is that the Giants played at Yankee Stadium until 1973 before getting a stadium of their own at the Meadowlands.  The teams have met 4 times in the post-season with the Giants winning in 1981 and after the 2000 season and the Eagles winning after the 2006 and 2008 seasons.  Red expects a shootout on Sunday.  This is your NFL game of the week. New Jersey 35 Philadelphia 31.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans tackle Titans.   This game could have been a contender.  But it’s a bum, especially with the soon-to-be-great Marcus Mariota out.  The Texans use this one as a warmup for their 4th playoff game in six years at NRG, which – despite what the bloviators on the radio say – doesn’t suck. Houston 22 Tennessee 20.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Packers pummel Lions.   This is a real prime time game with many marbles on the line.  All the marbles in fact.  This is winner take all time.  Since starting 4-6, the Pack has turned it on winning 5 in a row.  Meanwhile, the Lions have tanked in December.  This could have been a laugher for them, but it is now do or die.  They die.  Sadly, the weather for Green Bay seems downright pleasant with a game time temperature in the 30’s and no real chance of snow. Green Bay 35 Detroit 27.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week –Bills butt Jets. This week features the rare all-New York (sort of) Shit Bowl.  Here are two teams that deserve SB status in the final week of what has been a really exceptional SB year.  Almost every week (thanks largely to the Browns and the NFC North)  there have been truly awful games for Red to choose from.  This week is no exception with the fabulously mediocre 7-8 Bills on the road to meet the horrendously disappointing 4-11 Jets.  Those nursing hangovers will be well advised to avoid watching this beastly bowel battle, lest ye be tempted to pick up that stray empty soldier, break it over the coffee table and jab it into your femoral artery to ease the pain of truly awful football. Orchard Park 3 New Jersey 2.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 16

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Fifteen weeks in and Red is still sucking gas. What’s prognosticator to do?  Open a bottle of Chianti, put the pot roast on the stove and settle in for some more disappointment. Another 2-4 in Week 15 aint getting it done. Red is 35-41-2 for the season.  This week will be 6-0 for sure or perhaps 0-6.  Whatever, Merry Christmas!

Sure Bet Pick of the Week –Titans topple Jaguars. The Titans are playing as well as any highly mediocre team in the league with playoff pretensions right now.  And unlike most of the other pretenders, the Titans actually control their own destiny.  Two wins and they are in.  The scheduling geniuses may look like – well, geniuses – if the Titans win and the Colts lose this week, or if the Titans and Texans both win, or if the Titans, Texans and Colts all lose.  If any of those scenarios come to pass, then it will be winner take on New Year’s Day in Nashville.   For the first time that Red can remember, a game between the old Houston franchise (miss ya’ blue) and the new Houston franchise (see definition of mediocrity in your Webster’s Collegiate) might actually mean something – and Red has to root for that.  Meanwhile, the Jags are coming off tough loss to Texans and firing of Head Coach Gus Bradley (or something like that).  Sometimes hanging a coach in effigy is a cathartic experience for the team and they rally around the survivors.  Not this week.  Mariota torches the Jags and the starters get some rest.  Take the Titans giving up 4 and the over at 43.   Tennessee 33 Jacksonville 16.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Cardinals Crush Seahawks. Red is starting to wonder about the wisdom of this category.  Trying to pick an underdog every week has definitely hurt the bottom line.  But Red is never one to shrink from a challenge – run away screaming like a 8 year old boy perhaps, but not to shrink.  Cardinals are playing for pride at this point.  Seahawks are playing to secure 2d seed.  A loss could drop them to 4th seed if Falcons and Lions both win –possibly resulting in an undesirable wildcard game against the always dangerous in the playoffs Giants. So it’s not like the Seahawks can rest up down the stretch.  Cardinals were in the playoff hunt before losing 4 of the last 5 – mostly to decent teams.  There is no reason to pick them to win on the road, but here goes.  Arizona 17 Seattle 16.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Vikings vanquish Packers. Red picked the Vikings to win this division and Red is going down with the longboat.  As rivalries go, this one is not bad.  112 meetings with the Packers holding a 89-51-2 edge.  And the teams have split their two playoff games with the Vikings winning after the 2004 season and the Packers taking it home in 2012.  The proximity of our northern neighbors and the chance for a late season blizzard game adds to the promise here.  With any luck at all it’s a miserable Christmas Eve in northern Wisconsin.  As you know, Red likes nothing more than to sit by the fire and watch large, fast men play in the snow. Minnesota 13 Green Bay 10.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys clobber Lions.   Tony Who? Arlington 24 Detroit 20.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans take down Bengals.   Red was present at NRG on a cold Sunday afternoon for the beginning of the Tom Savage era.  Sometimes a strange thing happens when the struggling and seemingly incompetent starter is unceremoniously yanked.  Sometimes the offensive line starts blocking, and the wide receivers start getting open and the running backs pick it up a notch and the referee’s calls start going your way.  That’s exactly what happened on Sunday and TS took advantage leading the Texans to a rousing come from behind victory before the not-so-faithful on the South Loop.  But before we get too excited – remember that it was against the hapless Jaguars.  Episode 2 of “Tom Savage, Texans Quarterback” will be on NFL Network Christmas Eve.  Red will probably be eating his special holiday tenderloin with a stuffed baked potato and a delightful salad surrounded by kith and kin while the drama unfolds.  Let him know how it turns out. Houston 24 Cincinnati 13.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week –Rams ransack 49ers. This week features the rare all-California Shit Bowl.  Throw in the added plus of a team with a recently fired coach (Mr. Mediocrity himself – Jeff Fischer) and the prospect of a soon to be fired coach (Mr. Send Him Back to College – Chip Kelly) and you have the makings of a possibly entertaining Shit Bowl this week.  Oh, who is Red kidding?  He’s just excited that he doesn’t have to pick a Browns game this week.  So don’t climb up on the roof to fix your Christmas lights at halftime of this beastly bowel battle, you might decide to stay up there and baby, it’s cold outside.  Rams rally to pull one out – pun intended. Los Angeles 27 Santa Clara 24.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 12

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The week off did Red a world of good as he went 4-2 in Week 11 and has for the moment stopped digging. Red is now 28-30-2 for the season. Good enough for a win in the Electoral College.  As a special this week, Red will pick all 3 Thanksgiving Day games and squeeze them into the rubric one way or another.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Vikings vanquish Lions. All 10 Lions games so far this season have been decided by a touchdown or less.  While that sounds incredible, it is somewhat misleading because by Red’s inexact calculus at least 57.6% of NFL games in any given season are decided by 7 points or less.  Which means that the Lions are due for a blowout game one way or another.  Given the Lions tendency this season to fall behind and then mount a furious rally to win or make it close, Red should call this one as a close game.  But the Lions are too likely to be distraught over Calvin Johnson’s third place finish on Dancing With the Stars Tuesday night to have that incredible rally in them on Thursday. Take the Vikings and 3 points and the over at 42. Minnesota 35 Detroit 10.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Cardinals can Falcons. Red can’t help but think that the Cardinals don’t suck as much as they apparently – well – suck.  Falcons are there for the taking, but only if Carson Palmer can stay upright for more than 30 snaps.   Arizona 25 Atlanta 23.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Cowboys collapse OTNAs. This one is pretty good as NFL rivalries go.  Back in the day there was hardly a more heated divisional rivalry than this one.  Sports Illustrated called in the greatest NFL rivalry of all time.  Red doesn’t go that far but he does remembers some fairly classic games.  For example, Billy Kilmer taking down Roger Staubach in overtime at RFK on a brisk November afternoon in the first NFL game Red ever saw in person.  Or the Clint Longley “Mad Bomber” game on Thanksgiving in 1974 might have been the most interesting NFL game Red ever watched as the Boys rallied from a 16-3 deficit behind their unheralded third string quarterback. Or the 1979 season ending game where the winner went to the playoffs and the loser went home and the CBs scored twice in the last 5 minutes to send the OTNAs packing.  Or the SCAB game in 1987 where a team of replacements beat the scumbag Cowboy players including Danny White, Randy White, Tony Dorsett and Ed Jones during the strike.  And for the record, that was the game after which Red declared that he was no longer a Cowboys fan after 27 years of loyal service. The list goes on.  The Cowboys lead the all-time  series 67-42-2.  However, the Redskins have won the only two playoff games after the 1972 and 1982 seasons. The Boys are just playing too good to lose this one on Thanksgiving – although that would make for another incredible game in the long list of incredible games in this rivalry. Arlington 31 Landover, MD 30.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Chargers catcall Texans. Red has some experience in coming back from a trip to Mexico.  Red figures he has visited our sunny southern neighbor somewhere in the vicinity of 35 times and at least 1/3 of the time, didn’t feel quite up to snuff for at least a week afterwards.  And that’s only the times he didn’t have ceviche.  He has eradicated those episodes from the memory banks.  The Texans are coming off a tough loss to the Raiders at Estadio Azteca on Monday night.  So combine a short week with an overabundance of tacos, tortillas and tequila and you can fill in the rest.  Meanwhile the Chargers are coming to Texas after a week off.  The Chargers have found new and imaginative ways to lose games this season blowing a 17 point 4th quarter lead against the Chiefs and fumbling twice in the last 80 seconds against the Colts.  That and a missed field goal or two and the Chargers are fighting for the AFC West divisional title – and what a fight that is.  The Chargers may be the best 4-6 team in NFL history.  The Texans may be the worst 6-4 team in NFL history.  They certainly occupy those positions this season.  Red weeps as he calls it San Diego 28 Houston 24.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Stealers over Colts.   Will Andrew Luck play or will the nation get to witness the glory that is Scott Tolzien under center.  Red hopes that Luck plays, as that underrated QB on Thanksgiving night thing (see Mad Bomber above) sometimes works out in unexpected ways.  Red also hopes to be well into diabetic coma by the time this one comes on Thanksgiving night.  Let him know how it comes out. Pittsburgh 21 Indianapolis 3.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Eagles Edge Packers. Red can’t resist the chance to put the Packers in this week’s Shit Bowl because the Packers are in fact reallyshitty this season.  Of all the underperforming teams in the league, the Packers are the underperformiest. Yeah, that’s not a word.  And this isn’t a game that should be the only option for the true football junkie trying to hang on to the Thanksgiving weekend high of maximum football overdose.  Red thinks the Packers have packed it in, while the Eagles have to be thinking “We’ve got a chance.”  Keep thinking that all the way to the offseason guys.  Take one last injection of gravy and stuff that last piece of stale pecan pie in your mouth before tuning in to watch this execrable excrement exhibition. Philadelphia 6 Green Bay 3.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 9

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Hard to believe that the season is approximately half over and Red is not killing it. Last week, Red screwed the pooch again with a 2-3-1 record somehow managing to stumble into predicting another game that ended in a tie.  For the record, when that happens, Red awards himself a tie as well. So at midseason, Red is 21-25-2.  Not enough to win in the Electoral College, but close enough to make it interesting.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Vikings vanquish Lions. Sure bets are hard to come by this week (but see, Texas Franchise Pick of the Week).  The Lions come in as a 6 point dog on the road to a team that just lost its offensive coordinator because of relationship issues.  Which proves that the NFL is not just a “what have you done for me lately?” kind of enterprise.  Rather, the current vibe is “what have you done for me in the last quarter?”. The venerable NT had suffered through ugly losses in the last two weeks that largely were the result of massive devastation in the offensive line and gee, the loss of Adrian Peterson and then Jerick McKinnon might have had something to do with the nosedive.  So calling the Vikings a “sure bet” to do anything but implode after a remarkable 5-0 start is  . . . well, looking for the words here . . . yeah, REAL STUPID!. But when has that stopping Red.  To tell the truth, Red is probably influenced by having watched the Lions offensive ineptitude in person last week when the decent Texans defense bottled up the Lions rather effectively.  So if that C-Note is just burning a hole in your pants pocket, put it down on the Vikings to overcome adversity this week and eke out a one touchdown win.  Or take the under at 41 – if you are really smart. Minnesota 21 Detroit 14.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Jaguars jolt Chiefs. Yeah, Red picked the Jags to be playing in the AFC championship back when he still believed in Blake Bortles.  But BB and the Jags have regressed to form and will be spending the off-season working on their English accents, and looking for a new offensive coordinator after firing Greg Olson.  Compared to A. Smith, BB’s numbers don’t look all that bad.  Of course, compared to A. Smith’s numbers, Case Keenum looks like an actual professional quarterback.  But Red digresses.  Is there any reason to think that the Jags can win this week? Yes, and his name is Nick Foles.  Hard to believe that Foles was once thought of as perhaps, the next big thing. Jacksonville 25 Kansas City 23.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Giants gut Eagles. This one goes back to 1933 when the Eagles came into existence and got stomped 56-0 at the Polo Grounds. The Eagles and Giants have played in the same “division” ever since. The real glory days of this rivalry were in the 1940’s and 50’s when both teams fielded powerhouses.  Some claim this is the No.1 rivalry in the NFL.  It certainly is one of the most evenly balanced with the Giants hold an 85-81-2 edge including 4 playoff meetings. The most famous game probably occurred on November 19, 1978 when the Miracle at the Meadowlands occurred.  The Giants were leading the Eagles 17-12 with 20 seconds remaining. Offensive coordinator Bob Gibson called for a running play when all that was needed was for the Giants to take a knee. The handoff between quarterback Joe Pisarcik and Larry Csonka was fumbled and Eagles cornerback Herman Edwards grabbed the loose ball and returned it for the winning score. Nothing that exciting this week.  But it might just be the NFL Game of the Week. New Jersey 35 Philadephia 31.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys crush Browns.   Wouldn’t it be just great if the Browns broke their losing streak and the Cowboys winning streak in the same week?  Wouldn’t it also be great if Red got a winning quick pick Lotto ticket this week? Aint neither one gonna happen. Arlington 27 Cleveland 13.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Raiders ride roughshod over Broncos.  Lil’ brother Carr is making the rest of the league forget that “David Carr still sucks.”  Ah, it feels good to write that again.  He flirted with breaking Norm “the Dutchman” Van Brocklin’s all time single game passing record on Sunday when he accounted for 5 TDs and threw for 513 yards against the Buccaneers last week.  And yet the Raiders only won 30-24 in OT.  Meanwhile in the Rockies, Bronco fans are distraught that their heroes cannot play the Texans every week.  If Red could go to one game this week, Red would make the trip to the decrepit Oakland Coliseum to look for the emaciated ghost of Al Davis celebrating the biggest win Raider win since their last title.  Because a win against the Broncos will put the Raiders in first going into a bye week followed by a trip to La Ciudad de Mexico for a game against the entirely beatable Texans. Oakland 35 Denver 24.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Jets jangle Dolphins. Jets are already at the make or break point for a shot at the playoffs.  Can they run the table with no quarterback, no running game, a suspect defense and a coach with one foot in the grave and one on a spilled Gatorade.  Red has paid almost no attention to the Dolphins this season, which puts him in good standing with 97.5% of NFL fans.  The only time the Dogfins have made news is when their washed retread of a running back announced his retirement.  Sorry, Arian – Red calls ‘em like he sees ‘em.  Red is trying to think of a single reason for a rational football fan to watch this game.  Fortunately for the NFL, rational football fans are few and far between.  Duct tape the remote control to your wrist before tuning in to this one as ye might be tempted to launch it through the front window well before half time of this turgid turd tussle. New Jersey 17 Miami 3.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 8

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Red tried for perfect mediocrity last week – and failed going 3-2-1 – thanks to the Seahawks/Cardinals field goal fest that ended in a tie on Sunday night.  So old Uncle Red is 19-22-1 nearing the half pole.  It’s enough to make a man vote for a Libertarian. Well, almost enough.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Bengals bonk OTNAs. Red thinks that the London games should be reserved for exciting teams like the Jaguars, Titans and Browns.  The majority of the English fans don’t know any better – in fact,  most of them have become Jaguars fans by virtue of simple familiarity and lack of taste.  Real games between teams that might just have a chance at making the playoffs should be played in a hard cold driving rain in the heartland with only the hard-core faithful hanging in there until the two-minute warning and missing work on Monday with a nasty head cold.  But the NFL in its wisdom, has chosen to put a game of some actual importance in the English capital this week.  (Does England even have a capital?) Red thinks the Bengals are a steal giving up 2.5 and would still take them at -3.  The over/under at 47 to 48 is more problematic.  Both of these teams need a win here.  The OTNAs can keep pace in the NFC East with a win and an Eagles victory over the hated Cowboys (see below).  The Bengals keep playoff hopes alive with a win as the Stealers and Ravens are taking on water. Cincinnati 24 Landover, Md. 23.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Bills beat up Patriots. Long-time reader Timmy asks, Red, how can you pick against the Pats?  Doesn’t that violate the laws of physics and risk ripping apart the space-time continuum as we know it?  Well Billy, Red is what is known in these parts as a self-proclaimed, part-time, semi-professional prognosticator and ordinary mortals like yourself, Danny shouldn’t question those of us who are bold enough to make foolish predictions for all to see on a weekly basis. You got that, Larry?  In other words, shut your pie hole, Willy.  Let Red do his thing and at the end of the season when you have lost all your lunch money for the spring, then you can come crying to Red. Seems like Red is forgetting something.  Oh yeah.   Orchard Park 30 New England 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Vikings victimize Bears. Despite the end of perfection at the hands of the Eagles last week, the Purple Power still are at the top of the NFL heap after 7 weeks.  They will slide down the pile a bit as the season progresses, but not this week.  That’s because they face the Bears who are bemoaning the loss of Brian Hoyer.  The sign reads “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here” when you are down to mourning the loss of Brian Hoyer.  These teams have faced each other every year since 1961 when the Vikings stunned the Bears 37-13 in the first game in franchise history at Bloomington.  The Vikings lead the series 57-51-2 and the teams have met but once in the playoffs – a 35-18 Bears victory in 1995. Minnesota 31 Chicago 3.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans take out Lions.   Last week Red wrote, “The Texans don’t need to win this game [against Broncos], but they do need to look like an actual NFL team – something that has eluded them in road games this season.”  Three field goals and less than 200 yards passing does not resemble a “an actual NFL team.”  So why pick the Texans now?  Well, for one, Red will be in attendance at NRG on Sunday and he hates to pick against the Texans when it might just ruin an otherwise pleasant Sunday afternoon watching modern-day gladiation in person. For two, the Texans will have to beat a real professional football team at some point this season (Red’s so-called “Quality Win”) – almost every team does that.  Well, they beat the Chiefs you say.  Fair point.  Maybe the Texans have already had their Quality Win for the season if the Chiefs don’t fall apart down the stretch.  And it all begs the question of just how good the Lions really are?  Red thinks not that good.  Matt Stafford is having an MVP runner up kind of season so far.  But that usually means disaster is about to strike in Motown.   While all the focus is on the failure of Ock Brosweiler and the huge gamble the front office took on him, Red thinks that the key this week is to take pressure off the pathetic offense with an aggressive defensive scheme that gets after MS –  a tough but doable proposition even without JJ in the lineup.  Whitney Mercilus needs to take over and make this “his defense” and make MS his personal bitch this week. Houston 24 Detroit 1.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Eagles edge Cowboys.  A true Cowboy hater can dream, can’t he?  Red needs something to make this nightmare of a successful Cowboys campaign come to a halt.  Amazingly, the Eagles can take the lead in the NFC East with a win on Sunday night.  This is what the experts call a “pivotal game.”  This is what Red calls a “stupid pick” as witnessed by the fact that Red has so much faith in this pick, he is playing Blake “the Bumbler” Bortles over Carson “Is a Rookie, Plays Like Rookie” Wentz in his big money fantasy league this week. Philadelphia 23 Arlington 20.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Jets jump all over Browns. Among the many teams that have made Red’s list this season, the Jets are near the top.  Red really can stand anything about the entire Jets organization, and yet he called for them to make the playoffs this season.  And how have the Jets paid old Cousin Red back?  By stinking up northern Jersey – and Red can tell you from personal experience that something has to really reek before it you can get a whiff of it over the ambient level of stench in that part of our fair country.  It seems just a matter of time before Bryce Petty is pulled off the end of the bench to finish off this worst of all possible seasons for the Jets.  Meanwhile back in the heartland, that the Browns are living down to expectations is hardly news.  It seems just a matter of time before the Browns are calling up Johnny F. Football and saying, “Please come back, all is forgiven. We still love you.”  Loyal readers know that nothing please Papa Rad more than to have a true Shit Bowl to complain about.  Well, Uncle Red is happy this week.  Please make sure your seat belts are fastened and your tray tables are in their full upright position lest ye attempt to leap from a moving plane while attempting to watch this colossal crap contest. New Jersey 33 Cleveland 15.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 7

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NFL Picks 201 6 – week 7

 

Well The Donald may have had a better week that Red last week. 1-5 for the third time this season. 16-20 after six weeks.  Red doesn’t shank his tee shot that often.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Bengals over Browns. In the battle for Ohio, anything can happen and usually does.  Like the Republicans, the Bengals never win a division title unless they win the battle of Ohio.  The Bengals are perhaps the most perplexing team this season (wait, that title belongs to the Panthers).  But the Browns are usually the cure for whatever ails you.  Bengals get to drink the magic Brown elixir this week. Still 10 points is a lot to give up.  Take the under at 45.5.  Cincinnati 20 Cleveland 1.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Titans Whip Colts. Titans are trending in the right direction.  Mariota is playing  like an actual mid-tier NFL quarterback and DeMarco Murray still has some gas in the tank despite being abused by the Cowboys.  The Colts are stinging from an unexpetcted loss to the Texans (unexpected by all but Red – thank you).  The Colts defense is truly awful and managed to hide that last week for 3 quarters against the equally awful Texans offense.  The Titans offense is starting to click.  The Colts – not so much.   Tennessee 24 Indianapolis 21.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Patriots Destroy Stealers. Without Big Ben the Stealers are just another band from LA.  Without Tom Brady, the Patriots still win all their games.  Go figure.  This looked like a preview of the AFC Championship game until the Stealers began to look for their wheels.  It now is just another butt whipping for the Steal crew. New England 45 Pittsburgh 7.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Broncos best Texans.    Texans don’t need to win this game, but they do need to look like an actual NFL team – something that has eluded them in road games this season.  The Broncos are there for the taking this week having lost two in a row, but the Texans are givers.  They give up a lead late in the game to lose a squeaker here, but show some mettle. And remember Texans fans, Red warned you not to get carried away with a win over the Colts. Denver 27 Houston 24.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Cardinals crater Seahawks.  Cardinals are still looking for that break out game this season.  This is a big chance to make a statement in the NFC west.  They can’t expect 3 TDs from DJ every week, but they can expect excellence.  All tired old Carson Palmer has to do is manage the game and let his surrounding talent take over.  Then there is Russell Wilson – who has just plain sucked so far this seaon.  Expect another rough outing over a steadily improving Cardinals defense.   Arizona 31 Seattle 13.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Jets over Ravens. You can smell the stink in Jersey from the Morristown exit.  The stench of defeat is clinging to the Jets like mold to a week old bagel.  But “on any given Sunday” and this is a given Sunday for the Jets as the Ravens play down to their level.  This messy merd match will be nigh on to unwatchable.  But when has that stopped Red. New Jersey 23 Baltimore 15.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 6

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Red brings you his weekly six-pack of NFL Picks for the bargain basement price of clicking onto this site.  What a deal!

Unlike Donald Trump, Red is trending in the right direction. Last week he racked up a second consecutive 5-1 record with the big upset prediction of the Falcons beating the red hot Broncos. Not in the plus column yet at 15-15 after five weeks, but this week for sure, maybe.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Eagles over OTNAs. An unusual pick headlines the weekly six-pack.  The line is all over the place on this one.  Some bookies have the Eagles getting 1.5 and others having them giving up from 2.5 to 3.  If you can get someone foolish enough to give you the Eagles and 1.5 take it and run.  Just don’t run too far because you might owe the Man some money.  Sure Bet?  Well, it’s a bet anyway.  Red likes the under at 45 and curiously likes the over at 44.  Aw, Uncle Red’s just messing with your math-challenged little head.  Take the over at 44 and pray for OT.  Philadelphia 26 Landover, MD 20.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Bengals at Patriots. Red picked this format and has to live with it.  So every dang week Red has to choose an underdog. And every doggone week it seems to get harder and harder.  And every dadgum week, it seems like he has no real reason to believe that a team like, say the Bengals (who got ass-whomped by the Cowboys last week) could stroll out of Foxboro with a victory over a team like the Pats (who merely beat the Browns and please note for the record, that under the technical definition of “ass whomp” it is impossible to “ass whomp” the Browns – you just can’t do it). But this galldurned week Red is going with it.   Cincinnati 24 New England 22.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Raiders over Chiefs. This week we get a real rivalry –  a real bitter rivalry in fact.  The Chiefs lead the series 60-52-2 having played the Raiders every season since the first meeting at Kezar Stadium in 1960.  Of course, they have racked up a number of wins since the Raiders have been sucking for an extended period of time. The Raiders have only won once in the last 3 seasons (Thanksgiving in 2014), but this is not your father’s Raiders team.  They are your grandfather’s Raiders team.  The emaciated ghost of Al Davis rides astride pale horse on the Raiders’s sideline this week. Chiefs fans beware. Oakland 33 Kansas City 30.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Packers over Cowboys.  The Cowboys spanked the Bengals last week leading 28-0 before coasting to a 28-14 win.  Dak P. continues to impress and Red’s Aunt Ida could probably run for 50 yards a game behind that offensive line.  Clearly the Cowboys offense is putting the longstanding Red Rule (score 13 points and beat the Cowboys) in jeopardy.  Packers are coming off a workmanlike win over Los Gigantes, but are still plagued by the inability to get any production out of the TE position.  Packers defense will have to win this one with at least 3 sacks and 2 turnovers.  If the Cowboys win this one, Red will eat his hat. Fortunately for Red, he typically sports a chapeau constructed from an assortment of Belgian waffles, cheese Danish and croissants. Green Bay 24 Arlington 17.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans over Colts.  Texans clearly suck as do the Colts, but somebody has to win this pathetic excuse for a professional football division and the winner of this one will have a leg up on a first round exit from the playoffs. Why pick the Texans?  They are typically only embarrassed and outclassed by real football teams – and usually that happens on the road.  Sunday night in Houston, they face a pretender at home.  Fortunately for Bill-O the Clown, this is a pretender his team can probably handle. Ock Brosweiler desperately needs a decent game or the feckless faithful on Fannin Street will be calling for his head by halftime. BO manages to save his job for now, but don’t get carried away Texans fans – this Colts team is a mere shadow of its former self. Houston 21 Indianapolis 13.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Panthers over Saints. Every once in a very long while, the Shit Bowl features teams that aren’t frankly all that shitty.  In other words, you could actually watch this game without having to first put away your guns, knives and sharp objects. The Panthers, for example, are one hard luck team this season who could easily be a respectable 3-2 (having lost two games by a total of 4 points) and fighting for the division lead.  Even the Saints aren’t terrible having lost two games by a total of 4 points. Are you sensing a trend here? But nonetheless, these two not-so-venerable franchises come into this week’s Shit Bowl with a combined 2-7 record.  But either of these teams could rip off 4 wins in a row and get back into the mix in the NFC South as the Falcons are destined to cool off a bit.  Which makes this one a must win game for both teams and a total crapshoot for someone like Red.  Next week, he goes back to the Browns who probably take up permanent residence in the weekly execrable excrement exhibition for the remainder of the season. Carolina 45 New Orleans 27.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 5

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Don’t miss out on this week’s six-pack of NFL picks.

A big rally for Red last week going 5-1 and only missing out by picking the Jets over the seemingly faltering Seahawks. The ship is still listing but not taking on water quite as fast.  On the season Red is now 10-14.  Maybe Cousin Red needs a tough line up of games every week.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Patriots over Browns. Needs no explanation.  The line is hovering around 10 to 10.5 with an under/over of 46.5 to 47.  Red doesn’t like going that long, but this is the week.  Give up the points and take the under. New England 26 Cleveland 10.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Falcons over Broncos. Broncos are playing lights out, but so are the Falcons since Week 1 averaging 42 points over the last 3 games. Last week Matt Ryan entered the rarified air of 500 yards passing with over 300 of it to Julio Jones.  Mr. Ryan briefly flirted with breaking the longest standing individual game record around.  What’s that you ask?  Norm “the Dutchman” Van Brocklin’s single game record of 554 yards passing has stood since September 28, 1961 when he completed 27 of 41 passes and also threw for 5 touchdowns.  Maybe the years of promise are finally being realized in Georgia.  The Broncos defense hasn’t seen an act like this one yet.    Atlanta 41 Denver 35.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Raiders over Chargers. Not much to choose from in the rivalry column this week.  These two old AFL foes have played each other at least twice every year since 1960, but have only met once in the playoffs with the Chargers winning a shoot out after the 1980 season.  Red has been on the Raiders bandwagon for a while now and it seems to be paying off.  The Chargers have had the better of this series for almost 15 years, but the times they are a changing in California. Oakland 33 San Diego 17 .

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Bengals over Cowboys.  Der Bengals need this one.  They need a win on the road against a hot team and to avoid falling into a 2-3 hole in what is looking to be tough division (excluding the lowly Browns of course).  Meanwhile, Los Cowboys have exceeded all expectations so far.  But don’t get too excited Cowboy Nation.  The wins have come against the weak sisters OTNAs, Bears and 49ers – who will be lucky to finish the season with 18 wins between them.  And but for a play or two, the Boys could easily be 1-3. And their rookies are playing out of their shoes –  Ezekiel Elliot leads the league in rushing and Dak Prescott has yet to throw a pick.  But it’s not December, so the carriage hasn’t turned back into a pumpkin, yet – and that makes this a nervous pick for old Uncle Red.  The difference here is the  Bengals getting back Tyler Eifert this week.  The combination of AJ Green, Eifert and LaFell is pretty daunting for any secondary especially when coupled with the versatile duo of Hill and Gio in the backfield.  Plus the Bengals defense gets back an element of thuggishness with the return of Vontaze Burfict.  If he doesn’t cost them the game with stupid penalties, he might be the difference maker this week.      Cincinnati 27 Dallas 21.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Packers over Giants.  Red’s pick of the Giants is starting to look suspect.  The loss in Week 3 to the OTNAs before two tough road games against the NFC North was likely the start of a 3 game losing streak.  Packers are lucky to be 2-1 having failed to dominate anyone yet mostly because of erratic second half play.  A Rodg has thrown 7 TDs with no interceptions in the first half of games and 0 TDs with 1 INT after halftime so far.  This one will be tight and could go either way. Green Bay 24 New Jersey 23.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Colts over Bears. This awful anal assault features two teams coming in at a deserved 1-3.  The Bears have the advantage of a 1 game winning streak.  The Colts have the advantage of facing Brian Hoyer – who had his one good game for the season last week.  Sorry Brian, that’s all you get.  Sorry fans, they still televise every game including the Shit Bowl. Red might watch this one out of morbid curiosity at how bad the Colts really might be this season.  But he will be careful to lock up the liquor cabinet lest he drink himself into a stupor by quarter four. Indianapolis 29 Chicago 21.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 4

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Last week Red was 1-5, dragging season totals down to 5-13. Help me Jesus, it’s going to be a long season for old Uncle Red as he appears to be violating the first rule of holes – all the more complicated by the very tough line up of games this week.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Broncos over Buccaneers. The less said about last week the better.  And the less said about this week – even better.  It is hard to see a real sure fire bet this week, but Red created this monster and has to ride it until the end of the season.  Broncos will have to overcome double time zone, inverse altitudinal and humidity index hexes to win this one.  They seem up to the challenge so far.  Meanwhile, things on the west coast of the Sunshine State are not going as well as expected.  Jameis, the would be felon, is racking up the stats but mostly in garbage time.  The defense seems incapable of stopping anyone.  In the Mile High City, Coach K seems to have his quarterback mojo back and is doing amazing things with TS. Take Denver giving up 3 if you are incorrigible, but if you really must put some green down on this one, go with the over at 44. Denver 33 Tampa Bay 20.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Jets over Seahawks. Red goes with the full triple time zone, inverse hipster hex here. And the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick usually follows a god-awful performance with a competent one. It’s a tough challenge this week going against the supposed top-ranked Seahawk defense, but RF has a decent running game to fall back on.  Meanwhile the Seahawk offense has been overly reliant on Christine Michael – that is a branch that is going to snap at some point.  Red thinks it happens this week as Jets defense stifles the running game and forces Wilson to heave it up.  New Jersey 24 Seattle 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Cowboys over 49ers. Well this used to be a rivalry anyway.  Now it may be just another game.  Cowboys look to be on a roll but wait until December.  The Niners are not as bad as they look – they are actually far worse.  Two low mediocre defenses will at least keep this one exciting on some level. Arlington 32 Santa Clara 30.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans over Titans.  Speaking of last week might just get your ass kicked in the Texans locker room right now.  Texans were humiliated in Foxboro, but have had 10 days to regroup for their first division outing.  All well and good until the JJ Watt news broke yesterday.   With the glamour seeking superstar probably out for the season, the Texans may actually have better focus and realize that they can’t just wait around for Watt to make a game-winning play.  The big problem is where it has been for several seasons.  They have a second string quarterback playing behind a makeshift offensive line.  Nothing will fix that, but it should be good enough to win over the weak sisters of the league like the Titans. Houston 24 Tennessee 11.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Vikings over Giants.  Red’s pick of the Vikings is starting to look brilliant.  At least something is going right.  Red’s pick of the Giants is okay so far, but they likely lose division lead to the Cowboys this week.  That’s okay because the Cowboys always suck in December. Minnesota 26 New Jersey 23.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – OTNAs over Browns. The Browns have to win at least one game this season.  This one won’t be it. Do something you’ve been putting off – like having open heart surgery – rather than waste 3 hours of your precious Sunday afternoon watching this beastly bowel battle.  Landover, Md 17 Cleveland 0.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 2

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Last week Red was 2-4  and most embarrassingly missing out on the Sure Bet of the Week in picking the Panthers to cover the spread and going with the over. That Timmy – is why you should not try this at home.  Leave it to the professionals who can afford to lose their lunch money – like old Uncle Red.  Face it, Red had a bad week but still was oh so ever close to “drinking coffee and smoking fine cigars” ala Johnny Cash.  The Panthers, Jaguars, Lions and Cardinals lost games by a collective 11 points and sank Papa Red’s first week.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Seahawks over Rams. After last week, Red is only going out on a really strong limb that is supported by a steel column driven firmly into the bedrock.  The Hawk are only giving up 6.5 on some books – which seems like a steal.  But Red is getting “NL” from a few sources – meaning blow out coming.  Red is indifferent about a 38.5 over under.  Take the Seahawks and give up to 9.5 points – but no more.  Seattle 28 Los Angeles 9.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers over Cardinals. Four touchdown drives of over 75 yards have Red believing. Four touchdown passes to four different targets has Red believing. The Doug Martin-Charles Sims tandem has Red believing.  Then Red remembers it was a win over the Falcons.  Fortunately, Red is pretty good at that whole “willing suspension of disbelief” thing.   History says that this will be a close game.  History lies.  Tampa Bay 31 Arizona 17.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Bengals over Stealers [sic].  When they last met the “Stealers” lived up (or down as the case may be) to their name when they stole a playoff win from the Bengals.  In reality, the Bengals’ loss was self-inflicted with incredibly stupid penalties by Vontaze Burfict and Adam (formerly PacMan) Jones allowing the Stealers a chance at a last second field goal to win.  SI had the headline right – “Bengals lose all control as all hell breaks loose in loss to Stealers.”  Red salutes SI as it is hard to use lose, loose and loss in one headline and actually get it right.  Bengals are back at full strength with Red Rifle at the helm. Stupidity is kept in check on Sunday in Steeltown.  Cincinnati 28 Pittsburgh 17.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Texans over Chiefs.  Speaking of recent playoff humiliation – Red can’t really recall one worse than the 30-0 ass-whomping the Chiefs put on the Texans in January.  It looked like a Division 6A team playing a six-man squad.  There is no real reason to think that the Texans can compete with the Chiefs – even though Red has the Chiefs as the most overrated team in the league.  But a man can dream can’t he?  Houston 25 Chiefs 23.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Vikings over Packers. This could be Red’s NFL Game of the Week.  Packers came out sharp in the first half of the Week 1 win over the Jaguars. The furious second half field goal fest (2 for each team for a total of 12 second-half points) showed that the Pack has some work left to do.  Meanwhile, the Vikings walked over the doormat Titans. No such scheduling luck this week.  Shaun Hill showed enough to hold on to the starter’s job for at least another week.  He surprises everyone this week by taking Player of the Week honors in a big win over the Pack.  Minnesota 27 Green Bay 24 .

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – OTNA’s over Cowboys. The OTNA’s put a merciful bullet in the head of the Cowboy’s season when these two old rivals last met in January. Of course, the OTNA’s had something to play for.  They were 5-7 with four games to play after a humiliating loss to the Cowboys in Week 13.  But they rallied to win four in a row and the NFC East while averaging an incredible 33 points a game.  Much has changed since then, but the Cowboys still look like the dogs of the East.  Landover MD 35 Arlington 20.