Category Archives: Presidential Campaign 2016

Cruz Wins! Sort of . . .

Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) won the GOP primary in the White People’s Republic of Idaho last night.  Everywhere else?  Not so much.  Trump’s impressive victories in Michigan and Mississippi show that he has support in highly diverse states.  Meanwhile, Cruz is demonstrating what a win in Iowa can do for a candidate.  Look what it did for Rick Santorum in 2012.  Without that initial victory, Cruz is likely long gone from the race.   Trump now has a clear path to victory.  Wins in Ohio and Florida will likely seal the deal for the billionaire bloviator.   The only question coming out of last night is will whiny Marco Rubio will hang on until he loses his home state and hurt his chances for the future, or pull out now to save face.

Why is Hilary Inevitable?

The latest polling continues to show Sanders as the better general election candidate.   Of course, November is a long ways off and the Republicans have not started to throw dirt at Bernie yet.  But the numbers are troubling for Hilary.  If she loses to Cruz, the new blog will be Paradise in the Frozen North – because Red is moving to Canada.

General Election: Trump vs. Clinton CNN/ORC Clinton 52, Trump 44 Clinton +8
General Election: Trump vs. Sanders CNN/ORC Sanders 55, Trump 43 Sanders +12
General Election: Cruz vs. Clinton CNN/ORC Cruz 49, Clinton 48 Cruz +1
General Election: Cruz vs. Sanders CNN/ORC Sanders 57, Cruz 40 Sanders +17
General Election: Rubio vs. Clinton CNN/ORC Rubio 50, Clinton 47 Rubio +3
General Election: Rubio vs. Sanders CNN/ORC Sanders 53, Rubio 45 Sanders +8

The Republicans are Master-debaters

Red is pretty damn sure that last night’s GOP debate is the first time that penis size has ever come up in a presidential debate.  The spirited repartee over the size of Donald Trump’s penis has generated some interesting and heretofore unprecedented headlines on the important topic of just how big our President’s dick should be.

From CNN – Donald Trump Defends Size of His Penis

From the International Business Times – Donald Trump Discusses Penis Size During Fox News Republican Debate

From HuffPo – Donald Trump Nearly Turns GOP Debate into Literal Dick-Measuring Contest

From patch.com – Who Won Thursday’s Republican Debate: Yoga, “Little Marco”, Penis Size

From Hollywood Life – Donald Trump Fires Back at Marco Rubio: “There is No Problem” with my Penis

Red thinks  the headline writers were challenged by this unusual development and failed to respond with their usual expertise.  Red also notes that Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) stayed out of the dick-swinging fray last night.  Does Ted have something to hide?

 

Mitt Speaks! No One Listens.

Failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney spoke out against Donald Trump today.  Red translates for you.

If we Republicans (that means you Whitey) choose Donald Trump as our nominee (instead of a proven loser like me- for instance), the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished (who am I kidding? We’re all going to Hell in a hand basket unless they come to their senses and pick me again). 

Isn’t he a huge business success (I’m piker by comparison, really) and doesn’t he know what he’s talking about?  (insert dramatic pause here) No, he isn’t (I have it on good information from the Angel Moroni himself), and no he doesn’t (he never raped a company and its employees like I did).

He inherited his business (or a small fraction thereof). He didn’t create it (except most of it). And what ever happened to Trump Airlines  (of course, I only fly private – rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi in first class – how disgusting)? How about Trump University? And then there’s Trump Magazine (belly up in a dying industry) and Trump Vodka (not very good I hear- I swear on Brigham Young’s grave that I never tasted the stuff) and Trump Steaks (well those were good) and Trump Mortgage? A business genius he is not (but damn, I wish I had 1/10th of his net worth).

I know that some people (I’m talking about you Hillary) want the race to be over (but not me -surely the party will eventually wise up and realize that Joseph Smith’s  dream of Mormon hegemony can only be put in place when you nominate me again). They look at history (I made a C in American History only because I sat next to an ugly girl and copied her answers) and say a trend (that is, actual voters actually voting) like Mr. Trump’s isn’t going to be stopped. Perhaps (damn it all). But the rules of political history (white guys like me win) have pretty much all been shredded (like I was in 2012) during this campaign.

Donald Trump tells us that he is very, very smart (but not smart enough to buy companies, pillage them and fire everyone like I did – that fool actually creates jobs).  I’m afraid that when it comes to foreign policy he is very, very not smart. (I made a D in Freshman English – no available fat girls).

Think of Donald Trump’s personal qualities, the bullying (believe me I know about the bullying), the greed (that too), the showing off (wanna see my holy underwear?), the misogyny (we in the LDS know something about that one too), the absurd third grade theatrics (my theatrics were at least middle school level).  We have long referred to him as ‘The Donald.’ He is the only person in America to whom we have added an article before his name (okay  I know this is total bullshit -Ivana gave him that moniker, but it really sounds good – hmmm, “The High Priest Willard” has a certain ring to it). It wasn’t because he had attributes we admired (except when I got down on my knees and begged for his endorsement in 2012). 

 

 

 

Dietary Advice from Chris Christie?

Chris Christie has come down on the side of the fifth graders on the critical issue of school lunches.  At a recent event, Jacob Royal, an Omaha fifth-grader and aspiring politician asked the New Jersey Governor, “What are you going to do about the lunches? They were fine when Mrs. Bush was the first lady, but now that Mrs. Obama is the first lady, they have gone down.”

Christie’s reply, “I don’t care what you’re eating for lunch every day. I really don’t.  If I’m president, back to whatever you want to eat.”

Bring on the hot dogs, French fries and soda – and throw in a couple of donuts for good measure.

Somewhere Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller is smiling.

 

 

Does Ted Cruz Lack Coattails?

GOP leaders are growing increasingly alarmed at the prospect of a Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) dcandidacy.  Many wonder whether the Texas firebrand’s extreme positions and rhetoric (not to mention his abrasive personality) will turn off independents.  If he is the nominee, concern is growing  that his lack of down ballot pull will endanger the GOP majority in the House.  Meanwhile, Democrats are enthused by the prospect. The Texas Tribune has more.

Some Democrats in Washington, D.C., are floating the idea that Ted Cruz could be as injurious to the GOP’s hopes of holding its majority in the U.S. House as the bombastic Donald Trump.

And, as the Tribune’s Abby Livingston reports, some Republicans give some credence to the argument. Former Virginia Republican Congressman Tom Davis said Cruz, as his party’s nominee, could harm candidates in the Northeast and Midwest while potentially helping candidates in the western states.

“I think it has to play out, but there is nervousness with Cruz, who is clearly not part of the establishment, that you don’t find with [Marco] Rubio or [Jeb] Bush or [John] Kasich in some of those districts,” Davis told the Tribune.

“Campaign operatives from both parties point to the 26 GOP-held seats that are in districts where Obama won a majority of the 2012 popular vote,” Livingston writes. “The Republican fear — and Democratic hope — is that Cruz falls short of 2012 GOP nominee Mitt Romney‘s performance and throws those seats into contention.”

For its part, the Cruz camp discounts such talk. “The way Cruz wins the election is by energizing Republicans and then making the argument to independents and even Democrats for how his conservative principles are what will provide real opportunity and improve their lives,” Cruz spokeswoman Catherine Frazier said in an email to the Tribune.

Red files that last comment from the Cruz camp in the “Wet Dreams” folder.  But he is also wary of the Dems thinking that a Cruz nomination will benefit them.  Never underestimate the power of a complete and total ideologue in a polarized voting public.

 

GOP Debate – Round ?

Last night’s GOP debate in Las Vegas focused largely on issues of national security – not a surprise with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer at the helm.

Red’s favorite topic was when WB asked the estimable candidates about enforcing a No-Fly Zone in Syria and whether they would order a Russian plane shot down.  As always, Red translates the responses for you.

Chris Christie –  Hell yes, I would shoot down a Russian plane. I call Putin and tell him, “No flying, fuckhead.” And then when he ignores that we shoot.  And unlike the other weenies on this stage, I would insist on shooting down the planes myself – you know because I was a tough ass New Jersey prosecutor.  How does that work?   Every time a Russian jet entered the NFZ, I would be on the line immediately, targeting that sucker, remotely pushing the button to launch the missile and then celebrating afterwards with a double-meat bacon cheeseburger.  Fuck Yeah!

Rand Paul – If you want World War III, here’s your candidate. [Pointing to Christie]  If you are not absolutely bat shit crazy – like most of the respected candidates on this stage – and would prefer a big wussy in the White House, look no further.  I am the biggest wussy on this stage and proud of it.

Jeb!!!!????$ –  I have called for the NFZ and I would shoot down a plane with my sainted mother in it if it was violating the NFZ. Sorry, Dad.

Donald Trump – I too would shoot down a plane with  Jeb!!!!$$$$?’s mother in it.   But I like Putin bombing the shit out of Syria.  I back it 100%.  I would back it 1000% if that were possible, and believe me percentages well in excess of 100 will be the norm when I am elected president.  100% will be old hat.  No one will be talking about 100% when I am President.  500% will be the absolute minimum.

Ben Carson –  We shoot down Russian planes absolutely.  Then afterwards, I deal with the possibility of nuclear conflagration in my thoughtful, deliberate and respectful way as we descend into chaos and world war.

John Kasich – Why are you asking this question?  Why am I even still here? Is Red spelling my name correctly?

Ted Cruz – After I finish carpet bombing Syria and explaining in excruciating detail why that is not a war crime, there will be no real need for a NFZ.  In fact tourist groups will want to fly over Syria to see the glowing sand.

Carly Fiorina –  I would insist on a NFZ and shoot down anything that flies.  But I would not call Putin first – who by the way I talked with earlier today.  Others on this stage talk about making America great again.  But what is their plan?  I have a plan.  You know what would make this country great again – World War III.  I promise you that we will have WWIII if I am elected president.

Marco Rubio – Thank god we are not talking about immigration.

 

 

Highlights from the GOP Debate, Cont.

Ted Cruz:  The sky is falling. The sky is falling.  Why? Because Obama is not a leader.  I know how to lead, I was a patrol leader in my Canadian boy scout troop.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?:  I know how to lead too, I was the corresponding secretary for my fraternity at UT.  Oh yeah, and governor of some state.  I forget which.

Marco Rubio:  The problem is that Obama is weak, really weak, disgustingly weak.  Pero, yo soy muy fuerte.

Chris Christie:  I’ve seen weak leaders before, but he’s weakest weak-kneed, weakling that was ever weak.

Carly Fiorina:  Yeah, killing Osama bin Laden and all those Al Qaida leaders and not having a terror attack in the U.S. on his watch just shows how weak he is.  Very weak.  Weaker than Rand Paul.

Rand Paul:  Weakness in the defense of liberty is no vice!

Ben Carson:  It’s past my bedtime.

Scott Walker:  I am not weak, I just look that way on TV.

John Kasich:  I’m still over here.

Mike Huckabee:  I was for calling Obama a weakling, before weakness was cool.

Donald Trump.  The weak love me too. Have you seen how I’m polling with the weak?

Highlights of the GOP Debate, Cont.

From the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?:  Donald you tried to get casino gambling in Florida and I stopped it.  You wanted to bring your Mafioso friends in and pay off politicians, but the forces of righteousness stopped you.

Donald Trump:  If I had wanted to get gambling in Florida, I would have done it. I guarantee that because I am a winner.  Look at the polls.  If the people of Florida didn’t want gambling, screw them – I would have gotten it done because all that really matters is what I want.  Again the polls.  And the people would have loved me for it.

Outtakes from the GOP Debate

From the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.  Who knew they could fit a 707 into a presidential library?

Jay:  Thanks to Donald Trump for being here tonight and I see there are some other guys on the stage, I’m not really sure who you are – please introduce yourselves.

Rand Paul:  It’s time we had a curly-headed president again.  Look how well Andrew Jackson did.

Marco Rubio:  I could have sworn I shaved before this debate.

Chris Christie:  Does this tie make me look fat?

Carly Fiorina:  How did Nixon’s makeup man sneak into my dressing room?

Ted Cruz:  I am shutting down this debate unless we defund CNN right now!

John Kasich:  I’m over here.

Ben Carson:  It takes real balls to wear a pin stripe suit this ugly to a Presidential debate.

Jeb!!!!$$$$?: See I told you I was taller than everyone else.

Mike Huckabee:  Chris Christie’s tie does make him look fat.  Really fat. I should know.

Scott Walker:  ZZZZZZZZ

Donald Trump:  Have you seen my poll numbers?  Next question.