I was talking to a friend of mine who was in the military for a long time and pretty high up. I asked him why we still had so many troops in Europe. He told me, “The troops in Europe are not there to tamp down the Russians. They are there to tamp down the Germans.”
Overheard getting off the elevator.
Red was a mediocre 3-3 on the straight match-ups last week and is holding his own at 43-29 for the season. The money line was tough on ol’ Red as he went 2-4 with his bookie.
Answer to last week’s trivia: From 1923 to 2013, the Packers and Lions have played 22 games on Thanksgiving Day.
This week’s trivia: When was the last scoreless NFL game played and which teams managed to score zero points?
Your Nada Game of the Week: Vikings over Falcons. Case Keenum could have been a Texan! In fact he was a Texan – twice and managed to win two games coming in out of the cold to end the season in 2014. And the Texans did not even give him a second look in 2015. Okay he was bad with the Rams in 2016, but who wasn’t? Given a chance in Minnesota (because Sam Bradford is a particularly delicate flower – no knock on Sam but that’s the way it is), CK has flourished with 14 TDs, 5 INTs and a 96.7 QB rating. And meanwhile in Texas, Tom “the Turnover Machine” Savage is playing out the skein with the Texans. Oh, what could have been. This week is a big challenge for the Vikings but they look up to it. Given the firepower of these two offenses, Red likes the over at 47.5. Minnesota 30 Atlanta 27.
Your Zilch Game of the Week: Titans over Texans. Despite having been clobbered (and that is putting it mildly) by the Texans in Week 4, Red will take the “improved” Titans giving up 7 to the floundering Texans. Hopefully, Mrs. Red has something planned for Sunday so that Red doesn’t have to watch another whipping. Tennessee 24 Houston 9.
Your Zero Game of the Week: Eagles over Seahawks. Red thinks the Eagles walk over the depleted Seahawks and will gladly give up 5 points to any eager Seahawks fan. Eagles overcome the reverse triple time zone, hipster adjustment factor hex and continue their march to a No. 1 playoff seeding in the NFC. Another loss for Seattle and they still will not be in danger of falling out of playoff contention – mostly because the Panthers or Falcons must lose this week. Heck, even the Cowboys-OTNAs winner this week will be within striking distance in the NFC. The Eagles only problem may be clinching the NFC East too soon and relaxing a bit. Which – all-in-all is not a bad problem to have. Philadelphia 35 Seattle 21.
Your Zip Game of the Week: Patriots over Bills. Why not? Red has sort of avoided the Pats this season because it just isn’t much fun picking them to win and picking them to lose is – well, usually a losing proposition. But every team deserves a gander from Red during the season. Pats top rated offense looks unstoppable right now. Nothing short of divine intervention would keep them out of the AFC title game but for their pathetic defense. But this is the era of offense. Take the over at a hefty 49 – unless the weather looks iffy – then take the under. New England 31 Buffalo 20.
Your Skunked Game of the Week: Dolphins over Broncos. A well deserved spot in this week’s Shit Bowl for two failing franchises. Sometimes there is just no point in analyzing these things. So Red will simply give the usual warning to hide the Drano, Windex, Tidy-Bowl and Comet lest ye be tempted to mix up a deadly Tequila and house cleaner cocktail at halftime of this doleful dung duel. That said, Red likes the under even at a lowly 38.5. Beat that! Miami 14 Denver 9.
Your Big 0 Game of the Week: Ravens over Lions. There is a huuuge difference between 7-5 and 6-6 entering December. The team that wins this one has a real potential playoff path. The loser has to count on a lot going wrong for other teams. Nobody is scoring much on the Ravens right now, so Red likes the under at 40. Baltimore 17 Detroit 14.
From the Annals of the Methodists – In 1838, Rev. Jesse Hord entered Texas at Gaines Ferry on the Sabine River. Hord had volunteered for service in Texas and was assigned to the Texas Mission District by the Methodist Church in October of 1838. In October he traveled by horseback with his fellow missionary Isaac Strickland to Texas. The day after entering Texas he preached his first sermon at San Augustine. Hord had converted to Methodism at age 17. Four years later he was admitted on trial into the Tennessee Conference where he was ordained him a deacon in 1836 and an elder in 1837. He was charged with forming a circuit in the Houston area and he established the first Methodist congregations at Richmond, Matagorda, Brazoria, Bay Prairie, DeMoss, Texana, Velasco, East Columbia, and Houston. His 500-mile circuit included twenty congregations. He is considered the founder of Methodism in Texas.
From the Annals of the Borders – In 1941, the State of Louisiana lost its legal challenge to the eastern border of Texas. Louisiana claimed that its western boundary extended not to the middle of the Sabine River but to the western bank. The exact boundary has been the subject of much legal wrangling.
Price Daniel Sr. wrote an informative if somewhat dull history of the boundary dispute for the Southwestern Law Journal.
Red was 4-2 on the straight up picks. Red is now a very respectable 40-26 over 11 weeks of the season. On the money line – let’s just say it was a bad week. Red’s only winner was taking the Falcons and the points.
Answer to Last Weeks Trivia: On September 21, 1951, Norm Van Brocklin of the LA Rams threw for 554 yards against the New York Titans.
This Weeks Trivia Question: Which 2 teams have the longest Thanksgiving Day rivalry?
Your Oyster Stuffing Pick of the Week: Chargers over Cowboys. You can’t quite put a fork in the Cowboys – but you can prod them with your instant read thermometer (highly recommended when you are smoking a Turkey ala Red). Chargers would be in the thick of it having gone 4-2 over the last 6 games. But then there was that stretch where they lost games to Broncos, Dolphins and Eagles that were all but won. Their 54 point smack down of the fading Bills last week let everyone know that the Chargers’ offense is back. Speaking of fading – there is the Dallas defense which (w/o Sean Lee) seems incapable of stopping anything short of a high school team. The Eagles scored at will in the second half on Sunday in what must have been a richly deserved humiliation for J. Jones and crew. Chargers score at will until they get tired of winning. Take the over at 48 if you think the Cowboys can muster two field goals – Red isn’t so sure that they can. Los Angeles 48 Arlington 10.
Your Cranberry Relish Pick of the Week: Vikings over Lions. All over Houston, UH fans are saying “I told you so.” Nothing is more offensive to Red’s ears than happy UH fans. Nonetheless, Red must give CK his props. Will the magic continue this week? This could be your NFL GAME OF THE WEEK. Vikings are giving up 3. Take it. Minnesota 29 Detroit 24.
Your Pecan Pie Pick of the Week: Texans over Ravens – Texans showed signs of the Savage Life in last week’s win over the hapless and hospitalized Cards. Tom is not Terrific but neither is he Terrible. He is a mediocre back up QB on a mediocre team whose defense has been crippled by loss of Watt, Mercilus and Cushing. Ravens have skunked two bad offenses so far this season (Dolphins and Rodgersless Packers). Texans have to put points on board early. They have enough speed and Savage has enough arm to put up some big plays if only there would be time to throw deep. There won’t be. Texans are getting 7.5 and that looks tempting but Red is taking the Over at 38. Houston 21 Baltimore 20.
Your Candied Yams Pick of the Week: Chiefs over Bills. Two fading teams face off in a lackluster matchup. Red is almost too bored to pick this game. He is too bored to say anything more about it. Chiefs giving up 10 at home looks tempting against a completely lost Bills squad. KC 35 Orchard Park, NY 14.
Your Gravy Pick of the Week: Rams over Saints – Red happened to be in the Crescent City last Sunday and seriously thought about attending the game but he already had enough football watching Tulane push around UH on Saturday despite being slower smaller and more intelligent. On Sunday, Red estimates that more than half of New Orleans residents out on the street or in a bar watching the game were either wearing Saints gear or dressed in black and gold (e.g. black top and leggings and gold lame miniskirt). Saints’ fans are passionate about their team in a way that is probably unmatched outside of Wisconsin, Seattle and Pittsburgh. Saints were all but left for dead last Sunday (see below) and somehow managed to win. They are either the team of destiny in the NFC (the Eagles may have something to say about that) or they have peaked too early. It’s hard to say. On the other had, the Rams are coming off of their worst game of the season after getting smoked by C. Keenum and Co. in the frozen hinterlands. The Rams have bounced back from every loss this season – but this one requires a helluva bounce. Red is counting on the double reverse time zone inverse humidity index hex in this one. The Rams are getting 2.5 at home. That’s not enough for a betting man! And the O/U is a hefty 53. If Red were forced to bet he might take over. Rams 30 Saints 27.
Your Turkey Pick of the Week: Giants over OTNAs – OTNAS are reeling from last week’s OT loss to the Saints in a game that (with about 4 minutes left) they had a 99.6% statistical chance of winning. K. Cousins and crew had a look of utter disbelief that they had blown this game and a chance to get a leg up on NFC Wildcard rivals. Teams either bounce back from such ignominious defeats or the fold up like a pup tent. This week will show what the OTNAs are made of – and its cheap canvas. The Giants aren’t nearly as bad as their record shows – but they are bad enough to secure this game as the week’s Shit Bowl. But an entertaining Shit Bowl that might even rouse Red from his dopamine drowsiness on Thursday night just in time to watch the Giants rally and defeat the OTNAs in OT. Nonetheless, prudence requires Red to warn all to keep that turkey leg and carving knife locked up lest ye be tempted to carve the leg into a shiv and plunge it into your femoral artery sometime before half time of this doleful doo-doo doubling. Red (and he can’t believe he is saying this) likes the over at 44.5. New Jersey 26 Landover, MD 20.
Donald Trump can’t quite keep his reaction to the various sexual scandals straight, Red wonders what could possibly be the distinction?
According to Trump:
Al Franken(stein) – who has admitted the allegation of one women who was the recipient of an unwanted and forceful French kiss and on the butt-end of an improper prank photo taken while on a comedy tour for troops in Iraq – is a low-life degenerate, scum sucking women abuser who should be tarred, feathered and run out of the capital building on a rail.
Roy Moore – twice disgraced former Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court who has been the subject of seemingly credible allegations that he was a serial pedophile who illegally served alcohol to and molested teenage girls and was banned from the Gadsden Mall because he was out cruising for jail bait – Let the voters of Alabama decide.
Donald Trump – accused by more than a dozen women of sexual assault of various types and caught on tape admitting that he sexually assaulted women – Every one of those bitches are LIARS who will be SUED!
Fort Bend County Sheriff Troy E. Nehls doesn’t know much about the law if he thinks that he can lawfully arrest someone for posting a “FUCK TRUMP” sign on their truck. Nehls stated that he was looking for the owner of the truck after he received several complaints about the display from unhappy people.
The Republican Sheriff who is reported to fancy a run for higher office posted a picture of the truck with the message – “If you know who owns this truck or it is yours, I would like to discuss it with you. Our Prosecutor has informed us she would accept Disorderly Conduct charges regarding it, but I feel we could come to an agreement regarding a modification.”
The truck’s owner is having none of it and appears to be hiding in plain sight. Karen Fonseca, wife of the truck’s owner, told the Houston Chronicle that they would not be removing the sign and that “It’s just our freedom of speech and we’re exercising it.”
The U.S. Supreme Court would appear to have the Fonsecas back. In the case of Cohen v. California, the Supreme Court overturned a the conviction for disturbing-the-peace of Cohen after he’d gone to a courthouse in Los Angeles wearing a jacket that said “Fuck the Draft.”
From the Annals of the Treaties – In 1845, the Republic of Texas signed its final Indian treaty. The agreement came at the end of the Tehuacana Creek Councils, which had commenced in the spring of 1843. Pioneer Jesse Chisholm had worked to convince a number of Indian groups, including the Caddos, Tawakonis, Delawares, Lipan Apaches, and Tonkawas, to meet on the Tehuacana Creek near the Torrey Brothers trading post south of Waco.
The next council met at Fort Bird on the Trinity River in the fall of 1843. These councils resulted in a peace treaty between the Republic and the Wacos and Caddos. The failure to reach an accord with the Comanche caused President Sam Houston to call another council to meet at Tehuacana Creek in April 1844. The Comanche were yet again missing. In October 9, 1844, Houstonnegotiated a treaty with a part of the southern Comanche, Kichais, Waco, Caddos, Anadarkos, Hainais, Delawares, Shawnees, Cherokees, Lipan Apaches, and Tawakonis. At the November 1845 council the Wacos, Tawakonis, Kichais, and Wichitas agreed to the treaty of October 9, 1844. The Comanche continued fighting for another 30 years.
Hoo-hah. Red rolled a strike last week going 6-0 on the straight up picks. That brings your peerless prognosticator to 36-24 for the season. Against the money line it was more like Ho-hum as Red went 3-3
Vikings -3 – paid $
Texans +11 – bust
Titans/Bengals over – paid $
Niners/Giants under – bust
Stealers -10 – bust
Panthers/Dolphins over – paid $
Answer to last week’s trivia: Joe Gibbs won 17 playoff games in 16 seasons.
This week’s trivia: Which NFL quarterback holds the record for most passing yards in a single game?
Your Flying Dutchman Pick of the Week: Raiders over Patriots. This is Red relying purely on the triple reverse time zone, inverse longitudinal shift, head-trip whack job all-in hex. Everything else favors the Pats. But Red dances with the one who brung him. It’s a risky move and you are warned to not try this at home but Red is inclined to take the Raiders plus 7 playing at home against the Patriot Juggernaut. Oakland 28 New England 27.
Your LA Rams Pick of the Week: Vikings over Rams. The Rams could do no wrong last Sunday. Of course, they were playing the hapless, rudderless, hopeless Texans. And the Rams have been playing pretty heady ball with the Goff and Gurley Show (sounds like a crack British comedy team) putting up an eye-opening 33 points per game and a better than expected defense under the redoubtable Wade Phillips. The Vikings, as said before, are doing it with smoke, mirrors and Case Keenum – but they are doing it. Can we now admit that it was a mistake for the Texans to let CK go? Red really likes the over at 46 here. Minnesota 35 Los Angeles 30. .
Your Big Yards Pick of the Week: Eagles over Cowboys. You can’t quite stick a fork in the Cowboys just yet, but you can prod them with your instant-read thermometer a little bit. A win here solidifies the Eagles as the team to beat in the NFC. Meanwhile, the Cowboys December swoon has apparently started early this year. Without their designated girl-beater in tow, Red is again resurrecting the Red Rule – which as longtime readers know is — Drum Roll — SCORE 13 POINTS AND BEAT THE COWBOYS! Red likes the Eagles to cover the 48.5 O/U all by their lonesome. Philadelphia 50 Arlington 10.
Your Slinging Pick of the Week: Titans over Stealers. Red is sticking with his team of destiny in the AFC. Nuff said. Well not quite enough. Since getting rolled and smoked by Deshaun Watson, the Titans are 4-1 having beat a plethora of bad teams and losing to the Dolphins. This is the real playoff stretch drive test for the Titans. Beat the Stealers in Week 11 to go 7-3 and the playoffs are within your grasp with four patsies up next before ending the season at home with the Rams and a possible division deciding game against the Jaguars. Take the Titans and 7. Tennessee 23 Pittsburgh 17.
Your On a Wing and a Prayer Pick of the Week: Falcons over Seahawks. Losing Richard Sherman the week before playing the Falcons is very much like the proverbial taking of a knife to a gun fight. Falcons are riding high after demolishing the Cowboys on Sunday. The Seahawks will not be demolished but they may very well lose. Here is the telling stat for the Seahawks – Russell Wilson is their leading rusher with 290 yards. Red will go with the Falcons getting 3 on the road. Atlanta 21 Seattle 20.
Your Weird Throwing Motion Pick of the Week: Texans over Cards. Simply put, someone has to win this week’s Shit Bowl. The only good thing to come out of this season for Texans fans may be the overdue exit of Bill O’ the Clown as head coach. Not sure if anything good is going to happen as a result of the Cards sucking gas. Speaking of sucking gas, make sure all the gas outlets are secured, the valve at the meter is closed and all hand tools are safely out of reach, lest ye be tempted to stick your head in the oven after Tom Savage is sacked for the 7th time – in the first half if this turgid turd tussle. The over/under is 43.5. Are these guys paying the slightest bit of attention to the exact degree of suckitude that these two offenses are displaying right now? Take the under. Houston 13 Arizona 10.
Last week in a desperate attempt to restore his reputation as a constitution-bending results oriented judge who was booted from his judicial post twice, Alabama Senatorial candidate and Tea Party hero Roy Moore appeared on the Sean Hannity show to rebut charges by at least 4 women that Moore either sexually molested them or had inappropriate relations with them as teenagers about 40 years ago. The allegations are serious – especially in the case of Leigh Corfman who claims that Moore took her to his home undressed her to her underwear and molested her. Hannity tried hard to coach Moore through an unequivocal denial of this disgusting conduct, but could not quite get Moore through it unsullied.
Lucky for Red’s readers that he had found a transcript of the unaired portion of the interview.
H: While we are at it, many are expecting that some other allegations about your past will soon be made. My sources tell me that those lying weasels at the Washington Post are still digging around in Alabama. So let’s clear up some other vicious lies that are about to surface.
M: That would be great Sean.
H: Here is one about you participating in a lynching in 1963 when you were about 16 years old. First of all, how can you blame someone for something they did at age 16. Lord knows I wouldn’t want every kid I beat up in high school to come back at me now.
M: That’s for sure.
H: So did you participate in any lynchings as a teenager?
M: Let me say Sean that that would not be my ordinary practice to participate in a lynching. But I don’t remember any lynchings and if they did happen, I would always ask permission of someone before lynching them.
H: Well that makes perfect sense. Did you watch any lynchings? Maybe they are confused here. It’s one thing to watch a lynching – totally different than participating.
M: Well there were so many lynchings at that time in Alabama, it was hard to avoid them. So it is certainly possible that I saw a lynching, but I don’t remember any particular lynching. So it might be true, I just don’t recall.
H: Here is another one. Reportedly another old “friend” is claiming that you memorized Mein Kampf and liked to carve swastikas in oak trees near your house. I mean who hasn’t read Mein Kampf?
M: Well I may have read Mein Kampf as part of a school project but I don’t remember that. I’m not saying I didn’t love the Fuehrer, but I just can’t recall any specific feelings I may have had for the tenets of National Socialism. I have carved trees and it is possible that some initials may have resembled a swastika, but I always asked for the tree’s permission before doing any carving.
H: Now let’s get to your career as a Judge. We understand that there may be some allegations that you accepted bribes from parties. I know that sounds ridiculous, can you tell our wonderful Fox viewers that this is completely false.
M: It would certainly not be my normal practice to accept bribes from parties with cases before the court or to violate the code of judicial conduct. I don’t remember taking any bribes, that would be unusual. But if any money changed hands, then I certainly would have asked permission of the person giving me the bag of cash before I accepted it.
H: Well, I think that clears it up.
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