Author Archives: Red from Texas

Unknown's avatar

About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 8

Leave a reply

“I’m 6-foot-7, a big black guy running down the middle of the field. … I wear white gloves so [quarterback Jay Cutler] can see the white gloves when I wave them like Mickey Mouse.” — Martellus Bennett

Red is a Daffy Duck man himself. Despicable.

Red Rates Himself – Last week 3-3. For the season 30-12. Red will never pick against the Patriots again – at least until he does.

Your Mickey Mouse Pick of the Week: Seahawks over Cowboys. “Hey Red, didn’t the Cowboys used to be somebody,” you ask. Well yes Jimmy, the Cowboys were once one of the NFL’s storied franchises. After a few struggling seasons beginning with the inaugural year in 1960 (sneak up behind an old Cowboys fan and shout “Eddie LeBaron” and watch him flinch), the Cowboys put up a record of almost unmatched excellence for about 30 years. Then Jerry Jones decided that he was the smartest man in football, ran off the best coach he would ever have, started to hire any felon that could hit somebody hard or go deep, and well, you know the rest of the story. More recently, the upstarts from the godforsaken wilds of the Northwest decided that, “Hey, we might be able to play football too” and started a fairly decent run with a 7-9 team that made the playoffs and actually won a game and then went on to win and lose a Superb Owl! But Timmy, things are not looking so good on the west coast either these days. Pete the Cheat hasn’t been able to brew up a good batch of his old-fashioned whip-ass tonic this season and the Seahawks are looking tired and old well before the expiration date. If the Seahawks don’t have enough left in the tank to finish off the hobbling Cowboys with Matt Cassel at the helm, then they may not even make the playoffs. Meanwhile Danny, the Cowboys are playing for time, hoping to not be in too big a hole when Romo and Dez return. And as bad as the NFC East is, the Cowboys will not be out of it with a 3-7 record. So Billy, while Red is typically an over guy, he kind of likes the under here at 41.  Seattle 17 Arlington 13.

Your Goofy Pick of the Week: Broncos/Packers Tie. It happens on average every 3 seasons. And by the way, this is your NFL game of the week. Which tells you it aint a very good week.  Broncos 35 Green Bay 35.

Your Donald Duck Pick of the Week: Patriots over Dolphins. Red could make a case for the Dolphins beating the Patriots, just like he tried to make a case for the Jets beating the Patriots last week. See how that worked out. So why bother? Take the Patriots giving up 8 at home on Thursday Night Football and flip a coin on the over/under at 51.5. It came up heads? Then the over it is. You’ll sweat this one out, but be glad you did. New England 35 Miami 25.

You’re Pluto Pick of the Week: Bengals over Stealers. Bengals are getting serious talk as possible Superb Owl contender. Beating the Stealers on the road will do nothing but ramp up that hype. Unfortunately, they do not play the Patriots so we lose our best chance at seeing a late-season matchup of undefeateds. If Bengals get over the Stealers hump, then it looks like they have the easiest road to a sure playoff spot with only the Cardinals, Broncos and the Stealers again at home as possible road bumps on the way to a division championship. Yes, Ben is back, but the Red Rifle and Gio take this one over for an easy win. Bengals cover any spread that you get.   Cincinnati 42 Pittsburgh 19.

Your Uncle Scrooge Pick of the Week: Titans over Texans. Actually, Bob McNair makes Uncle Scrooge look like a fricking genius. Bob has always followed the Clint Murchison/Cowboys model. The owner just hires folks and lets them do their job. Clint hired Tex Schramm and Tom Landry – both in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Bob has hired Bill-O the Clown and Rick Smith – both of whom may get to visit Canton if they don’t check ID’s at the door. Red is actually on the verge of giving up his official Texans’ fan status if things don’t improve soon. Things will not improve soon enough he fears. This one is a pick ‘em and Red will respectfully decline to do so. Red hopes he gets to see Mariota play in person for the first time since he destroyed the Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl in 2013.  Almost to close to call between these pathetic excuses for an NFL franchise, but here goes anyway. Texans find a new and imaginative way to lose.  Tennessee 21 Texans 20.

Your Pete is a Turd Pick of the Week: Ravens over Chargers. Red will go with the triple time zone with a Mediterranean to Mid-Atlantic climatological shift hex to pick the hapless Ravens to even things up with the almost as hapless Chargers. Red actually picked both of these teams to make the playoffs. Sorry about that. The coast to coast stench emanating from this awful anal Armageddon will spoil more than a few Sunday meals. Bet on this one only if you have a serious gambling addiction and need a cheap high. Baltimore 33 San Diego 24.

Today in Texas History – October 29

2 Replies

From the Annals of Garage Bands –  In 1966, ? and the Mysterians hit No. 1 on the US charts with “96 Tears.”   The members of the band were living in Saginaw, Michigan but were originally from Texas.  Their parents had been migrant workers who settled in Michigan after finding auto industry jobs.  ? – the former Rudy Martinez, who legally changed his name to a punctuation mark and claims to be a space alien, has understandably managed to maintain an air of mystery ever since making a splash with “96 Tears” which essentially came out of nowhere to reach the top of the Billboard pop chart.

Critics regard “96 Tears” as the first garage-rock masterpiece and a “proto-punk” classic.  The Mysterians formed in 1962 when four Mexican-American teenagers in Saginaw began playing instrumental music inspired by the surf bands such as the Ventures and legendary guitarist Link Wray. Taking their name from a Japanese science fiction movie, the Mysterians soon made the acquaintance of their own alleged alien—a young man in sunglasses who approached them after a gig at Michigan’s Mt. Holly Ski Lodge offering to manage the group. Identifying himself to the Mysterians only as “?,” he soon became the group’s lead singer and primary songwriter. It was a poem of his called “Too Many Teardrops” that became “96 Tears.”

Red’s Awards from Last Night’s GOP Debate

2 Replies

While much of the media is focused on who won or lost, Red believes that, much like U6 Soccer, everyone who shows up deserves a participation award.  So in no particular order, Red gives the following awards to the participants in last night’s GOP debate:

Jeb!!!!$$$$?  –  The Why am I Even Here and Not Already Been Proclaimed President Award

Ted Cruz –  The Angriest Man Alive Award

John Kasich – The Hopelessly Rational Human Stuck in a Lunatic Asylum Award

Donald Trump –  The “Fuck You” Money Award

Mike Huckabee – The Just Damn Glad to be Here and Insult Fat People Award

Ben Carson – The Smooth Jazz FM Radio Deejay Award

Chris Christie – The I Can’t Believe I’m Losing to These Guys Award

Carly Fiorina – The Sure I Was an Incompetent CEO but With Enough Lies People Will Forget Award

Marco Rubio – The Vote for Me Because I’m Not Yet Tired and Old Like Bush Award

Rand Paul – The Really, We Almost Forgot You Were There Award

GOP Debate Bingo Card from USA Today.

Jeb!!!!$$$$? Vents

1 Reply

Jeb!!!!$$$$? may have blown the last clear chance he had at winning the GOP nomination when he vented in public about his opponents and how he really has much better things to do than be President.  While campaigning in South Carolina last weekend, Jeb!!!!$$$$? revealed the following:

If this election is about how we’re going to fight to get nothing done, then I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want to be elected president to sit around and see gridlock just become so dominant that people literally are in decline in their lives. That is not my motivation. I’ve got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around, being miserable, listening to people demonize me and me feeling compelled to demonize them. That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.

So Red felt compelled to compile a list of ten “really cool things” that Jeb!!!!$$$$? could do other than be President.

  1. Hold an actual Tea Party – you know with crumpets and cucumber sandwiches and all.
  2. Teach a first grade bilingual education class.
  3. Take a job at the Land Office working for son George P. Bush with out the Bush fils first complying with the Texas requirement that all job openings be publicly posted.
  4. Write that spy novel he’s been kicking around for several years.
  5. Brush up on his Jai Alai game.
  6. Get a personality transplant.
  7. Rhumba with Columba.
  8. Create a line of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump and Ben Carson voodoo dolls.
  9. Challenge Mitt Romney to a boxing match – loser has to endorse Donald Trump.
  10. Go home and never be heard from again.

Cattle Rustlers Still Going Strong in Texas

Leave a reply

Cattle rustling.  Most folks think of and old Western movie and the posse riding after the rustlers to administer some frontier justice –  if they think about it at all.  But it continues to be a problem in Texas today.  And with beef prices soaring, the thieves are active again.  It seems like a hard and dangerous way to lead a life of crime, but some Texas rustlers are making a decent payday with their hauls of purloined meat on the hoof.  The Texas Tribune has more.

Cattle theft, a decades-old problem, continues costing Texas ranchers millions of dollars annually. Although the number of reported rustling cases has dropped in recent years, the value of stolen livestock has risen along with cattle prices driven higher by years of drought.

“It’s been a continuing problem since 1877 when our association was formed,” said Gray, executive director of law enforcement and theft prevention for the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association. With 30 officers commissioned by the Texas Department of Public Safety, the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation or both, the association tracks livestock and property theft in Texas and Oklahoma. Most of the work is in Texas, the nation’s largest cattle producer.

Today in Texas History- October 28

Leave a reply

From the Annals of the Collectors – In 2014, British rock-pop-prog star Phil Collins donated his expansive collection of Alamo and Texas Revolution-related artifacts to a new museum planned for the Alamo complex in San Antonio.   The “Phil Collins Alamo Collection” section of the museum will house a number of rare items – including a rifle owned by former Congressman Davy Crockett, a fringed leather pouch carried by Crockett and an original Bowie knife which Jim Bowie had in his possession during the 1836 siege.   Collins’ collection is believed to be the largest of its kind, with over 200 total items and is valued at as much as $100 million.  Collins’ fascination with the Alamo began as a child and has obviously continued.  The collection started more than 20 years ago when he received Alamo courier John W. Smith’s saddle receipt as a gift.  That launched Collins on a worldwide search for artifacts which he documented in his 2012 book, The Alamo and Beyond: A Collector’s Journey.

Only a Very Few Will Get This One

Leave a reply

KA Sushi

In 2015, at Washington near Lee,

There was a band of sushi chefs as bold as they could be,

They rolled with Li and Jack-san from the bayou to the bay,

They banded themselves together and they called themselves KA

 I’m a son of a san of a son of a san of son of an ol’ KA

A son of a san of a son of a san of Nippon Land, Hoorah!

 We have some cafes in Peru and plenty in Japan,

We’ll roll our rolls in Africa and any foreign land,

To them we give aji, mako and a Crazy Irishman.

We’ll take our stand in Old Japan and roll for ol’ KA.

Today in Texas History – October 27

Leave a reply

From the Annals of the Tall Ships – In 1877, The Elissa was launched. She is the official Tall Ship of Texas and was originally designed as an iron-hulled, three-masted barque and built at the Clyde River shipyard of Alexander Hall and Company of Aberdeen, Scotland, for Henry Fowler Watt of Liverpool, England.  After much renovation, she is a now a fully restored sailing ship that belongs to the Galveston Historical Foundation. Her overall length is 162 feet and draws 16 feet. Her gross capacity is 430 tons. She carries nineteen sails made of 12,000 square feet of a synthetic material that resembles canvas. The Elissa began her career as a British merchantman on December 19, 1877, when she carried a cargo of Welsh coal to Recife, Brazil, where she arrived on January 28, 1878. For the next ninety years, she was steadily employed as a tramp freight carrier traveling all over the world. The main United States ports she stopped at were New York, Boston, Savannah, and Pensacola. She also stopped at Galveston in 1883 and 1886.  Her career included stints in Scandinavian waters hauling lumber and being used for smuggling operations in the Adriatic.  Over the years she was converted to a motorized ship with most of her sailing rig removed.

In 1974 the Galveston Historical Foundation purchased her as a restoration project to complement the Strand Historic District.  Galveston would once again have her in port.  She was also one of the few surviving square-riggers in the world and the oldest listed in the Lloyd’s of London Registry of Shipping.

In December 1978 the ship began the voyage to Galveston when she was towed to Gibraltar. On June 25, 1979, she was towed out of Gibraltar and set sail for Texas.  She arrived off Galveston on July 20. A dockside celebration was held in Galveston on August 4 to honor the arrival.

In the next three years the Elissa underwent a complete restoration, under direction of David Brink, which included extensive hull repair and new masts, yards, rigging, and sails, as well as a new deck and new deck houses.  Restoration was largely complete by July 4, 1982, when she was formally opened as a tourist attraction. On Labor Day of that year, the Elissa also sailed again as a full-rigged ship on sea trials off Galveston in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Elissa by Don Scafidi available at http://www.elissa.org.

Ted Cruz for President – of the Republic of Texas

Leave a reply

Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) has clearly demonstrated that he is the Alpha Dog of Texas politics.  All other pretenders be warned.  As Cruz continues to rack up Texas endorsements and haul in huge bags of money from the swells, it is now evident that Ted Cruz and the Ted Cruz Experience will be guiding the ship of state in Texas for the foreseeable future.  If the Texas GOP’s dream of an independent Texas standing tall as a shining beacon of radical (and generally unpopular if you actually dig into the issues) Cruz-style conservatism is every realized, then the one man to lead us there is none other than your Junior Senator from Canada (errr Texas) Ted Cruz.

Stand aside John Cornyn – keep looking all distinguished and silvery – but stand aside and let a better man lead us into the abyss.

Be quiet Dan Patrick – okay, that’s an impossible request, but at least recognize that you are on the second string and aren’t playing until garbage time.

Move over Greg Abbott – but keep doing whatever it is that you are doing, which frankly appears to be nothing much at all.

Watch out George P. Bush – wherever you are.

Stay where you are Kevin Brady – no one knows who you are anyway.

Go home Jerry Patterson – a voice of moderation will have no place in the new glorious Republic.

Keep your head down Ken Paxton – even Cruz might want you in jail.

The Sinking Ship that is JEB!!!!$$$$?

Leave a reply

Red never likes to predict the demise of a particular political campaign, but a strong stench of failure is starting to emanate from the halls of the JEB!!!!$$$$? campaign.   First, JEB!!!!$$$$? announces that he is cutting back on staff, taking some campaign workers off of payroll, and cutting spending by almost half.  Then JEB!!!!$$$$? futilely lashes out again at an apparently Teflon-encrusted Trump making himself even more of punching bag for The Donald.  Then he dashes back to Texas to consult with Mom and Dad and big Bubba – the same Mom who said the country had had enough of the Bushes – or words to that effect, and the same big Bubba whose presidency set a new standard for failure that few could aspire to match.  Words of advice – always listen to Mom and ignore big Bubba.  And now the latest polls show that JEB!!!!$$$$? is in 4th place in Florida – his adopted home state where he was actually Governor for two terms – behind Trump, Carson and Rubio.  Apparently the good voters of the Sunshine State know a bad thing when they see one and the JEB!!!!$$$$? campaign cannot be characterized as anything other than incompetent and awful at this point.  But Red remembers 2008 when a battered and bruised John McCain limped into the New Year and then destroyed the competition – before the utter incompetency of the W. Bush administration ended any chance he had to win the general election.  Red doesn’t think JEB!!!!$$$$? has McCain’s fighting chops, but it’s too early to write anyone off that is still polling above a dead man or Rick Perry.