Author Archives: Red from Texas

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About Red from Texas

I'm proud to be Red. I have lived most of my life in Texas and I love this place. Here are a few things you should know about me. 1. I am happily married and intend to stay so. 2. I live in a house that is older than you, unless you are really old. 3. I own 2 rifles and a shotgun. I think handguns are just trouble. 4. I have never killed a man, but have taken out some deer and hogs. 5. I was a good student, but never close to being valedictorian. 6. In no particular order I like the Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Astros, FC Barcelona, Tottenham Hotspur, Texas Longhorns and Houston Dynamo. 7. I hate Dallas but always have a good time when I go there. 8. I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for 26 years but declared that I was no longer a fan during the 1987 strike. 9. I don't own any pets. I like cats, and a good dog and I have met at least 3 of them in my lifetime. 10. I think the best part of Texas is west of I-35. 11. I own two pairs of cowboy boots, but don't wear them very often. 12. I don't have a pronounced Texas accent, but can affect one when needed. 13. My last meal would be fried shrimp with tartar sauce, a baked potato with all the fixins', a dinner salad with 1000 Island dressing, yeast rolls and chocolate fudge pie for dessert. 14. I'm an old Dad, but my children are none of your business. 15. I have two degrees from UT-Austin and somehow managed to fall in love with and marry an Aggie. 16. Most of my family are right-wing nut jobs but I love them anyway. 17. When I get to play golf on a regular basis, I shoot in the low 80's. 18. I don't get to play golf on a regular basis. 19. I think Fort Worth is the best town in Texas by a long shot. 20. I have a mean herb garden. Regards, Red P.S. Remember it's not a color, it's a state of mind.

Red’s Texas College Football Game of the Week

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This week look no further than College Station for Red’s TCFGOTW as the University of Texas San Antonio Roadrunners head to Kyle Field to face the quickly fading Texas Aggies.  Just a couple of weeks ago, the Aggies were in the running to make the final four having lost only to unbeatable Alabama (and even looking pretty good for about a half).  But they followed that with losses to mediocre squads.  Meanwhile, the RR’s are enjoying a decent season by their standards coming in at 6-4 and possibly getting minor bowl consideration with a win over a ranked team.  The Aggies are a mere 98.2% favorite in this one, but never underestimate the spirit of a team that has been broken, stomped on, charred a bit and heaved in the dumpster behind the Golden Corral on Hwy 6.  The Aggies should cruise to a win, but that is why they play them.  Texas A&M 42 UTSA 17.

Today in Texas History – November 17

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From the Annals of Girl Power –  In 1981, Kathy Whitmire was elected as the first female mayor of Houston.  She defeated Sheriff Jack Heard  with 62% of the vote- who was never heard from again (Red just couldn’t resist that one). The unexpected rise of Whitmire put a temporary end to the good ‘ol boy network that had run Houston since – well forever.  Whitmire served five terms finally losing to Bob Lanier in 1991.  She has never run for office again.

Red’s NFL Picks – Week 11

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Well old Uncle Red was just so dang exhausted from the election that he took last week off. Probably just as well given the recent trend. And the uproar from readers was – shall Red say – less than deafening.  So in Week 9, Red was a stale 3-3 and at least none of the predicted games ended in a tie. So Red is now 24-28-2.  About as good as Hillary.

Sure Bet Pick of the Week – Patriots punish 49ers. This is the only sure sure bet this week as a lot of competitive (albeit boring) games dot the schedule.  You know every season, one pathetic excuse for a professional football franchise rises up and proves up that old “On any given Sunday” rule; but this aint the week.  If the Patriots lose to the 49ers – even considering the triple reverse time zone, obverse hipster factor, deaclimatized shift hexes working in favor of the 49ers – Red will eat his hat.  This week Red’s sombrero is made entirely from raw cookie dough (Snickerdoodle and Moco Choco Chip in case you are interested). Red aint no fool when it comes to hat eating.  This game features something that you see about once every SuperMoon – a two touchdown home dog.  That’s right the Pats are giving up 14 points on the road.  If that gives you pause, Red will have LeGarrette Blount come to your house and punch you in the nose.  Probably better to go with the under at 51.5 but only because Red doesn’t think the Pats can score 52. New England 41 Santa Clara 10.

Underdog Pick of the Week – Buccaneers Beat Chiefs. Red can’t help but think that Buccaneers will get back on pace to finish 8-8 because they are – well, an 8-8 team.  Red keeps waiting for the Chiefs to fold like slice of New York pizza – wouldn’t that be delicious?  It hasn’t happened yet and in Red’s opinion are worst possible 7-2 team imaginable.  This team lost to the Texans and got stomped by the Stealers and have beaten one team with a winning record (Raiders).  We will see what happens to Andy’s crew when they have to face the Broncos twice, the Falcons and the Raiders again. Tampa Bay 25 Kansas City 23.

Rivalry Game Pick of the Week – Titans top Colts. The rivalry cupboard is pretty empty this week.  This one hardly qualifies as a rivalry – it’s just a run of the mill sad sack mid-season game for anyone but the fans involved and even then – Really?  There is some mild interest as the Titans appear to be rising out of years abject suckitude towards the once seeminly unattainable goal of mediocrity.  Well guess what Titan fans, mediocrity can win you a division championship in the AFC South.  Pray for mediocrity and you just might get it.  God, loves a humble sinner.  The real reason to watch this one is that with a loss and a Texans win, the Colts are all but done this season and perhaps done with the Chuck Pagano era – if you can call it that.  And there is nothing like a rivalry game between two franchises that used to be something or somewhere else.  The Titans at least had the decency to change their name when they left Houston in shame.  The Colts took the name with them when the exited Baltimore under cover of darkness.  This not-so-called rivalry dates all the way back to the Nixon era when the Baltimore Colts beat the Houston Oilers 24-20 in the Astrodome.  That’s some history.  The Colts lead the all time series  30-14 and the Titans have not won since October 30 of 2011 and have only won twice since midway through the 2008 season.  The teams have met once in the playoffs after the 1999 season before the realignment put them in the same division and created the least rivalrous rivalry in all of the NFL.  The Titans won a 19-16 snoozefest at the RCA Dome.  Okay, enough already. Tennessee 13 Indianapolis 10.

Texas Franchise Pick of the Week – Cowboys crater Ravens.   In the new Trump era – where all things are possible – not only is America great again – America’s Team is great again.  Aint that just great? Excuse Red while he goes out in the backyard and chokes down some rat poison. Arlington 24 Baltimore 21.

Prime Time Pick of the Week – Texans test Raiders.   The Texans are due for at least two quality wins this season.  They got one against the Chiefs in week 2 and maybe one against the Lions in week 9 (the book is still out on the Lions).  This week could make 3. A while back, Red was actually thinking about going to Mexico City for unrelated reasons this weekend and could not figure out why the prices were so high and then he bothered to look the NFL schedule and lo and behold – there were the Texans following the route of Old Fuss and Feathers Winfield Scott to make an appearance in El Distrito Federal against the hated Raiders.  The Texans will win this one as payback for losing to the emotionally charged Raiders playing for love of dead Al Davis back in 2011.  Yeah, they have played twice since then splitting games in 2013 and 2014, but Red has never really gotten over watching the Raiders win one for Old Dead Al.  This week the emaciated ghost of Al Davis grabs his saber and hooks up with spirits of the dead Conquistadors as they experience another Noche Triste in old Tenochtitlan. Houston 23 Oakland 17.

Shit Bowl Pick of the Week – Stealers Stomp Browns. Red is really tired of the Browns.  So tired that he might just give the Shit Bowl a rest for the remainder of the season and replace it with the Bowl of Abject Mediocrity – except for the fact that 10 games would qualify every week.  Sorry, Stealers but there has to be a Shit Bowl and someone has to beat the Browns. Red will be sitting in a hunting blind far from any technology that might pick up a trace of this coaly crap contest. Pittsburgh 43 Cleveland 9.

Today in Texas History – November 15

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Image result for George Fisher and José mexia

From the Annals of Revolution –  In 1835, an expedition led by George Fisher and José Antonio Mexía unsuccessfully assaulted the Mexican garrison at Tampico. The Tampico Expedition was launched in response to Antonio López de Santa Anna’s repudiation of the Constitution of 1824. The expedition sailed from New Orleans on the schooner Mary Jane on November 6. The Mary Jane ran aground off Tampico on November 14. Mexía attacked the city on November 15 and was soundly defeated. The remaining rebels retreated aboard the American schooner Halcyon , which arrived back in Texas on December 3. Thirty-one prisoners were left at Tampico. All either died from wounds or were executed.

Photo of George Fisher from Texas A&M.

Legalize It?

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The Texas Tribune reports that Texas Legislators have filed several bills aimed at decriminalization of Marijuana.

Less than a week after several other states approved measures weakening marijuana restrictions, some Texas lawmakers are looking to do the same. 

On Monday, the first day of bill filing for the 2017 legislative session, Lone Star State legislators submitted several proposals to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. Among the bills are those that would create a specialty court for certain first-time marijuana possession offenders, reduce criminal penalties for possession of up to an ounce of marijuana and re-classify convictions for possession of small amounts of marijuana. 

Among the Texas proposals that have been filed thus far:

House Bill 58 by state Rep. James White, R-Woodville, would create a specialty court for certain first-time marijuana possession offenders based on the principle that first-time defendants are often self-correcting. The measure is intended to conserve law enforcement and corrections resources, White said in a news release.

State Rep. Joseph “Joe” Moody, D-El Paso, filed House Bill 81, which aims to replace criminal penalties for possession of up to an ounce of marijuana with a civil fine of up to $250. The bill also allows Texans to avoid arrest and possible jail time for possessing a small amount of marijuana. Moody authored a similar bill during the previous legislative session; it did not pass.

State Rep. Harold Dutton Jr., D-Houston, filed House Bill 82, which aims to classify a conviction for possession of one ounce or less of marijuana as a Class C misdemeanor instead of Class B. However, if a person is convicted three times, it would revert back to a Class B misdemeanor. Dutton co-authored a similar bill last session with Moody.

State Sen. José Rodríguez filed Senate Joint Resolution 17, which would allow voters to decide whether marijuana should be legalized in Texas, following the pattern of a number of states.

Senate Joint Resolution 18, also authored by Rodríguez, would allow voters to decide whether to legalize marijuana for medical use if recommended by a health care provider. “It is long past time we allow the people to decide,” Rodríguez said in a statement.

Rodríguez also filed Senate Bill 170, which would change possession of one ounce or less of marijuana from a criminal offense to a civil one.

Trump Backs Off Deportation Stance

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Not even 5 days into our new Trump era and Red is already having his first WTF moment. DT promised Red that the 12-15 million ILLEGAL ALIENS in the US would be shown the door, escorted out, given the boot, kicked out, frog marched to the border and otherwise told don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Now, Red is being told that only 2-3 million of the worst of the worst are going to be on that greased skid back to the land of tortillas and tacos. That is not what Red was promised and he is mighty PO’d already.

Red don’t care if you were brought here the day after you born, don’t speak a lick of Mexican, are the All District quarterback, valedictorian and were voted most likely to own your own taco truck. Red don’t care if you couldn’t spell Gwadellahara, Guadellahoorah, Guadelihurra, Guadalajara (there we go) if your life depended on it. You need to get the hell out! And that’s what Red was promised. You’re taking our jobs, you’re filling up the airwaves with that Mexican yak and songs about tu Corazon, and you’re ruining Tex-Mex food. All the Mexicans need to go. That includes the Guatemalan Mexicans, the Salvadoran Mexicans, the Honduran Mexicans and any other type of Mexicans. Hell, Red even met some Peruvian Mexicans the other day – they was real nice people, but they need to go too. So President-Elect Trump, you need to stop appeasing the people that didn’t vote for you. They aint never going to like you anyway. Red don’t care what old weak-kneed Paul Ryan says about no “Deportation Force” – there needs to be some deporting and lots of it.

A Salute to Our Veterans

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Red salutes our brave men and women who have served this country in times of peace and war.  But mostly war.  Because that is what we voted for on Tuesday and Red supports the will of the American people.  As Donald Trump said,  “I’m really good at war, I love war, in a certain way.”     We voted for war, so bring it  on, baby.   Let’s get to warring.

Red thinks Iran is good first step.  We need to bomb the ever-loving shit out of those bastards.  As DT said about his love of war  “—including with nukes. Yes, including with nukes.”   What are we sitting on all these dang nuclear bombs for if we aint gonna use them?  Probably only need a dozen or so to turn most of Iran into glass, rubble and vaporized body parts.  Red can smell the burning flesh from here and its only just a little bit sickly sweet.  But that’s just a good start.

Next step ISIS and Mosul.  Red says put about 50,000 troops on the ground,  kick their asses back to the Stone Age, take the oil and their Korans and let someone else worry about the rest of the mess.

So let’s make some more veterans and give them a chance to fight in a Donald Trump war – it will be a beautiful war with lots of winning.  In fact, you’ll get sick of winning and lose a battle or two just to break up the monotony of victory.

Red Wants it All from a Trump Presidency and Republican Congress

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Since the people have spoken and want the GOP in charge of everything, Red is jumping on the bandwagon and he wants it all.  Red wants the entire Trump/Republican agenda.  And he will be damn pissed off if it doesn’t come to pass.  Here’s what Red wants:

  1. The 12-15 million illegal aliens need to be rounded up and sent home. Every last one of those free-loading bastards.
  2. The beautiful wall on the southern border needs to be built and it better be a real wall.
  3. Mexico needs to pay for it.
  4. No more Chinese made crap in our stores.
  5. NAFTA needs to go.
  6. NATO allies – screw them. Whatever Putin wants is cool.
  7. Minimum wage – you’ll take what we give you and like it.
  8. Get rid of the EPA and environmental regulation – business knows best. Dirty air and water are a small price to pay.
  9. Discrimination laws gone – again business knows best.
  10. Hillary must be put in prison – Lock Her Up!
  11. Overturn Roe v. Wade.
  12. Women who get illegal abortions need to go to prison where they can hang out with Hillary.
  13. Better yet, the death penalty for an abortion because murder is murder.
  14. Massive tax cuts for the wealthiest.  They have been so put upon.
  15. More taxes for the poorest, it’s entirely their fault they are poor. They need to pay.
  16. End federal funding of education.  Dumber folks will continue to vote Republican.
  17. Recriminalize sodomy.  Those homos who are screwing each other need to go to jail
  18. End same sex marriage.  You decided to be queer – get over it.
  19. English only everywhere. Comprende, Pedro?
  20. Bring back the gold standard – get rid of the Federal Reserve.
  21. Take over fight for Mosul. Defeat ISIS and take the oil.
  22. No Muslims coming to the US.  Sorry Abdul, go back to camel racing.
  23. Bomb the ever-loving shit out of Iran. Then bomb them some more.
  24. Make it as hard as humanly possible to cast a vote – unless White of course.
  25. Stop and frisk every person of color whenever possible – they are probably criminals and just don’t know it yet.
  26. In fact, just let the police do whatever they think is best – as long as the Republicans are in control anyway.
  27. Enforce the Second Amendment.  You want a personal nuclear warhead, that’s cool because you have the right to bear arms and a nuke is an “arm.”  If you’re black and carrying a weapon, however, you are just asking for it.
  28. Endangered species – to stupid to live – not our problem.
  29. Global warming beats the hell out of global cooling.  Carbon is life.  We need more carbon.
  30. Coal mines.  Dig deeper.
  31. Steel mills – reopened.
  32. Wall Street needs to be set free to create more opportunities for the wealthy to get wealthier.  A rising tide . . . and all.
  33. Withdraw from the UN – bunch of commies.
  34. Repeal Obamacare.  Replace it with something that increases the bottom line for insurance companies.  They know best too.
  35. Social security and Medicare need to be privatized too.  People will make wise decisions – like investing in a Trump property or taking a class at Trump U.
  36. Balance the budget – recession be damned.
  37. Increase military spending – double what the rest of world combined spends just aint getting it done.

Red is sure there is more, but this is a good start.  He’ll get back to you.

Congratulations to Donald Trump

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Red is nothing if not magnanimous in defeat.  Trump has called for the nation to come together and heal its wounds.  Red cannot wait to see how the nation comes together around and drinks the healing potion peddled by a sociopathic, egomaniacal con man.   Red is looking forward to seeing 12 million men, women and children escorted out of our country, to the construction of a beautiful 2000 mile wall (paid for by Mexico), to the insurance companies being back in sole control of our health care system, to Hillary Clinton wearing prison stripes, to a beautiful partnership with the Russian dictator Putin, to the miraculous  resurgence of African-American neighborhoods, to the rebuilding of the middle class through tax increases on them and massive tax cuts for the upper class, to the criminalization of abortion, to the end of same-sex marriage, to stop and frisk on every street, to the invasion of Syria and Iran, to the end of dangerous well-vetted refugees invading our country, to the Trump name being prominently displayed on the White House, to judges who will turn back the clock to the 18th Century, and to God only knows what else.  Maybe Red aint so magnanimous after all.

 

Election Day 2016

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The end is near, but the contention continues.  The braying is almost over, but the pundits are not silenced. The people will have spoken, but few will have listened. The candidates will rest, but they will not go away.  The votes will be counted, but the result will not change minds.  The nation will endure, but the bonds are frayed.

And despite all of that, Red urges everyone to vote.  Despite the fact that Texas almost always makes bad choices (see, e.g., Our Poor Idiot Governor Greg Abbott, Agriculture Commissioner Sid “Jesus Shot” Miller, Sen. Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Rep. Louie “What’s he smoking?” Gohmert, and Rep. Sheila “I’m a Queen, I deserve to be treated like a Queen” Jackson Lee for just a few), Red urges everyone to vote.  Despite the fact that Red disagrees with most of his family and has had to unfriend a relative or two, Red urges everyone to vote.

VOTE!