GOP Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump spoke to a crowd of approximately 15,000 in Dallas last night. Here are some excerpts from the speech.
Wow! Thank you for coming out tonight to see me – but who wouldn’t want to see me? Really? Everyone loves me. The women love me. The Mexicans love me. The Jews love me. The Red Necks love me. Jesus loves me. After all, I am the most amazing human who has ever walked the face of this planet. Not that I walk that much. I usually ride in a golf cart. And by the way, that walking on water thing – I taught Jesus that one. Jesus, nice guy – son of man and all – but he was no one until he came to see me.
I have so much energy. I never run out of energy. It’s ridiculous how much energy I have. You could run the entire state of Texas solely on the energy generated from my farts. Which by the way, don’t even stink. How amazing is that? And Jeb!, nice guy – but low energy guy – you can’t even run your refrigerator with his flatulence.
And that other Texas guy, Ted Cruz. Nice guy. Nice Canadian guy. By the way, the Canadians love me too. More energy than Jeb! You might be able to run a decent sized subdivision on Ted’s ass gas. But really, that’s nothing like the kind of energy that I can generate. Ted, hmmm. Too bad I am going to have to squash him like a bug.
And Hillary, by the way, never farts. Never. How can you trust someone who never farts? I fart all the time. I wake up farting. My farts will make this country great again.
Here in Texas you know about the illegal immigration. There are probably some illegal aliens in this arena tonight. And you know what, they love me too! But I am going to fix this. I am going to build a wall – a real wall. It will be very wall-like. Extremely wall-like. You know the Chinese built that Great Wall and it’s 13,000 miles long. This wall won’t be that long – but it will be even greater. And much taller. A tall wall. Taller than my hair. I’m thinking two or three thousand feet tall. Go try and buy a ladder at Home Depot that will scale that wall! Yeah, Where can I find the two thousand foot extension ladders? Sorry, out of stock! This wall will be beautiful – everything I build is beautiful. I am beautiful and people love me for my beauty. And there will be a beautiful door in the wall to let the good people through. Because the good people love me too!
I am a deal maker. I make deals. I know the toughest negotiators in the world. Most of them are awful, despicable, disgusting humans. Really. Many of them should actually be in prison. You have never heard of most of them. So I am going to turn over the country to a bunch of guys you never heard of – but who are incredible bad-ass negotiators. These guys would sell their mother to the Devil if they could get a sweet deal out of it. How great will that be? We can negotiate with tough guys like Putin. You know, I eat guys like him for lunch. Vlad, you want Crimea? Okay, give us St. Petersburg and throw in Kamchatka to make it worth my while – I hear it’s very nice there in the summer. We’ll build a golf course and let you play anytime for the twilight rate. Deal done. It’s that easy.
We are going to have so many victories. We are going to have so many victories! Why? Because I am a winner. I always win. Even when I lose I win. How great is that? We are going to have so many victories, that you will get tired of winning. Really! You will grow to hate winning. You will be begging for a humiliating defeat. Victory will be a dirty word. By the time I am through with this country, everyone will utterly despise winning.
Thank you Dallas for coming out tonight. I know I made your lives that much better just by mere presence. Really, you should be thanking me. Me and my hair. Which is real by the way. And beautiful. You know the hair dressers love me too. Even the gay ones.